dis is mah diary...(continued)
EY I KNO WUT UR THINKIN' 'BOUT D SONG...BUT KEEP LISTENING...IT'S A TYT ASS SLO JAM MIX...
*073003.4:02pm*
i'm juz remembering sumthin'...and i'm sure y'all can feel me on dis...shiet it hurt lyk heyll...imagine dis...
so ur tlkn on d fon, 2 sum1 u luv, but he doesn't exactly kno it...or does he?ur thinkin ya ayt he must hav sum sort of idea but u vowed it would nevr come outta ur mouth...of course not...bcuz UR 2 PROUD. and u both r tryin' 2 keep d relationship as platonic as it can b...well, @ least d@z UR objectiv... so he's talkn'...'bout sum girl...iono...it cud b sum1 frm his past, sum1 he's currently involved wit, or sum1 he's only tryin' 2 get wit...u decide...
and u listen...offer sum advice...u "awww"...eithr bcuz u can hear d smyl in his voice as reveries of HER come tumblin' out his mouth,or mayb d slight tremble as d recitation of memories bring tears 2 his eyez...
nonetheless,u "awww"...tell him it's ayt...encourage him 2 call HER...make sum sort of move...
ur voice...haha...sympathetic, enthusiastic...shiet, almost disgustingly cheerful...but u kno...it ain't real ryt?u kno ur as$ is lyin'...cuz wit evry word he utters...
a part of u dies, and a tear rolls down ur cheek...
but u frantically wyp them away...struggling 2 sustain d@ sick-fuk sweetness in ur voice...but it kills ryt? tears u up inside...
and ur fists are clenched, fingernails diggin' in2 ur palms...not carin' how deep. shiet WHY??? y her and not u...
and as u "uh-huh", "okae", "rilly?", and "awww...", d@ same thought plays over and over in ur head...
he says that he's sleepy, "thanx 4 listenin'", and "i'll c/call u 2moro"...
"sweet dreams" is ur reply...u w8...listen 4 him 2 click off d fon, d@ click is loud as heyll ain't it?startles u bak in2 reality...overwhelmed, u slam d@ fon down...angry, upset, feelin' neglected, unloved, unwanted...wtf?juz str8 up HURT.
then ur mind explores the thought...mayb u can't rilly blame him...aftr all...u haven't told him how u feel...and u think sum more..."y?" u whispr in2 d dark...and u kno, and u hav 2 accept...cuz ur as$ juz 2 damn PROUD.
ouch ryt?
*080102.2:39am*
o shit...it's august already...tym fliez don't it???ya well mah sleepn schedule is out of whack...ddn't go 2 bed til lyk 12pm yestrday...ddn't wake mah ass up til lyk 9pm...haha...damn ryt?but wutevr...told y'all ASWANG AKO.*lol*
hmmm...laz nyt, or rathr, dis morning, when i wuz tryn 2 crash...i wuz juz thinkin' how sumtymz when ur wit sumbody,u don' kno wut 2 say...and it's only aftr d opportunity 2 tell dem is gone d@ u realyz evrythng u SHOULD'VE said...damn...and then it becomes a regret...ever notice d@ d only REAL regrets u have in lyf r d things u ddn't do or say? so y'all...LEARN FROM THOSE XPERIENZES AYT? i kno is korny and all but 4 real...u gotz 2 cease d MOMENT...don't evn think as far as d day...worry 'bout each second, each minute, each moment...CUZ IT AIN'T EVR GON' COME BAK.
and when d@ person is gone...ur gon' find urself wishin' 4 d@ second, d@ minute, d@ MOMENT u let pass u by...
"luv, o mah luv, i wondr sumtymz were u juz a dream i sit in d dark wonderin' if our paths will evr cross again o Lord i need 2 kno i sit and wondr...where r u now...d@ i'm ready 2 i'm ready 2 luv u d way u luvd me then where r u now do u still think of me or does ur heart belong 2 sum1 else's...in mah dreamz d@z wut i feel could it b d@ i'll nevr c u again...still i sit here w8ng all alone by d fon 4 u..."
*080102.2:31pm
ey y'all i'm bak 4 d 2nd tym 2day...dis onlyn diary shit is kinda fun...i mean...1st of all, i don't even care if ne1 readz dis ish...its juz a way 4 me 2 console mahself...but i'm findin' d@ people actually do read dis...and giv me feedback...which is not only supportive but thoughtful...thanx guys!but hmmm...i wuz lookn around as usual...is wut i do when i'm bored...and found yet another lil thing d@ touchd mah heart...
"i always knu lookin bak on d tears would make me laugh.but i nevr knu lookin bak on d laughs would make me cry."
OUCH!HUHUHUHU...
*080202.7:37am*
nope...mah ass ain't asleep yet...ya nehoez...nuthn much 2day...went 2 a bday party...it wuz kaiote...fancied a chat wit sum peepz onlyn...who else m i 2 tlk 2?shiet i'm in bufu...took a webcam pic...made it mah aim buddy icon...look down...changed d song on dis journal page...kinda feelin it...k d@ 'bout it...
"sa 'king pag-iisa ala-ala ka bakit hanggang ngaun ay ikaw pa rin sinta at sa hating gabi sa pag-2log mo hanap mo ba ako hanggang sa pag-gcng mo kailanman ika'y inibig ng tunay 'wag mong limutin pag-ibig sa'kin na iyong pinadama...sa isang kahapon sana'y mag-balik ng ma-bawi ang pag-luha ba't hanggang ngaun ay ikaw pa rin ang mahal d makapaniwala sa na-gawa mong pag-lisan o kay bilis naman nawala ka sa akin at ang larawan mo kahit sandali aking minamasdan para bang kapiling ka..."
*080302.12:53am*
ya did sum shoppn 2day...ooh...luvd it...*teehee*...guess wut?i think i'ma go get mah tattoo 2moro...and get mah belly button pierced...yehayy!finally!iono...kinda scared tho...but we'll c how thingz work out 2moro...not evn sure if i got d appt. yet...m xcited tho!i'm feeln ayt...i'm currently groovin' 2 mobb deep's quiet storm instrumental...daymn...bounce!hehe...but i kno is gettn kinda old...evn if i'm happy...i'm feelyn' ayt...sumthn's missin yo!ya wutevrz...can't do shit bout d@ tho can i?
"dis myt sound 2 u a bit odd but u own d place where all mah thoughts go hidin ryt undr ur clothes is where i'll find dem...cuz of u i 4got d smart ways 2 lie bcuz of u i'm runnin' out of reasons 2 cry when d friends r gone when d party's ovr we will still belong 2 eachothr underneath ur clothes...there's a man i chose there's mah territory and all d things i deserve 4 bein' such a good girl hunny..."
*080402.11:51pm*
so ya...it all workd out wit mah tattoo and belly piercing...damn it hurt lyk hell...not so much d piercing but d tat...d piercing only hurts now when i clean it...d tat's juz sore ryt now...well neway...iono...i'm kinda h8in' on mah momz ryt now...is juz hard when othrs can accept u 4 who and wut u r but ur own mothr can't...i don't even wanna get all up in2 dtail but iono...it hurts d@ she's ashamed of me...*sigh*...but i juz need 2 ACCEPT IT i mean i think 2 mahself...y ain't i used 2 dis ish by now???damn...i guess i need 2 juz b happy 4 d fact d@ i'm away frm her hatin' ass ryt now...so y'all...DON' H8...if i wntd d@ shit...i'd go home...lol...hmmm...wut else?well ya i had a bizzy ass weekend...always up l8 and gettn up 2 go out...i'ma take a rest 4 now...so i'm bout 2 bizounce...til next tym...
"when u wer juz a stranger and i wuz @ ur feet didn't feel danger now i feel d heat the look in ur eyes is telln me no so u think d@ u luv me kno d@ u need me i wrote the song i kno it's wrong juz let me go teachr there r thingz d@ i don't want 2 learn ooh d last 1 i had made me cry so i don't wanna learn 2 hold u touch u think d@ ur myn cuz it ain't no world 4 an uptown girl who's teachr has told her goodbye...juz one more try 2 eaz mah mind i feel so cold insyd..."
*080802.1:31am*
ey wut up y'all i feel lyk i haven't written in a whylz...hasn't been that long tho...well dis is how it is...i'm leavn holland soon...yehayy i'm comin' home!but then again i kno mah ass gon' miss it here when i get bak...i have it easy here...granted that i'm bored, but still...i shouldn't take 4 granted the fact that i hav it easy as hell...and i'm grateful for the experience...anothr thing...hey people...if y'all are gon' i.m. me get in touch wit me, wutevr...i don' need d baggage or d drama ayt?come on!grow up...it's d net...don't fuk around...get mah drift?hmm...wut else?i'm jaded and all d@ but...damn boo i miss u!hehe...shit i'm cheezy as hell...wutevr tho...lemme get dis shiet out...i kno there ain't shit i can do 'bout wuz goin' on...and i'm learnin' 2 accept it...but i ain't gon' front lyk it's all over...it's frustr8n as hell tho...here's a thought...
"if u luv sum1 u say it...u say it ryt then, out loud...or the moment juz...passes u by..."
*080902.5:35am*
wut's up???shiet...not much @ all...tlkd 2 sum peepz bak home 2day...whoa shit done changed...okae well maybe not that drastic but u kno...d basics...shit juz b happenin'...is all good tho...no regrets ryt?i mean...lyk i said in a previous entry...d only real regrets one can hav in lyf r of d things he/she ddn't do or say...and i'm doin' evrythn i want...uhh...4 d most part...but lez not get in2 that...hehehe...(thas ryt...laugh it off)but nah lyk i wuz tellin a friend earlier 2day...in a way i'm rilly glad d@ i'm here...and i feel blessed...cuz in mah lyf i've had the opportunities 2 bond wit juz bout evry member of mah family...& i think i've become a bettr person 4 it...i've laughed mah ass off, i've cried mah fuckn eyes dry, and most importantly...i've LEARNED& i'm gr8ful 4 evry moment...d bitter & d sweet...hmmm ya...thas wut i b feelin' 2day...& dis 2...myt come across as a puzzle 2 y'all but...do u realyz d@ in lyf it's d soft emotional stuff d@ eventually makes u strong?
"dati akala ko pg nasakin na ung taong mahal ko masaya na ko...pero bkt nung naskn na sya, di parin ako masaya?...d lang pla yng tao ang kailangan ko, kundi pati pagmamahal nya."
*translation: i used to think d@ if i had d person i loved i'd be happy...but y is it that when i got them i still wasn't happy?...but it isn't juz the person u need, but their love as well."
*081002.2:29am*
2day wuz ayt...mah cuz michael (check mah pic pg 4 his pic) & his gf came ovr & chilld wit us...it wuz strizz...dey juz laughin' cuz i can pretty much speak and undrstnd dutch now...hehe...mah piercing's all swollen cuz i banged it up...it sux...wut else?well i'm bored but mah vac8ns winding down & i'm leavin soon!damn...tym goes by pretty fast...it's weird...so much can happen in a second, in a minute, but then again it can pass u by juz lyk that...d concept of tym has nevr ceased 2 amaze & perplex me...but i've learnd not 2 take it 4 granted...
"standn by mah windo listenin 4 ur call seems i rilly miss u aftr all tym won't let me keep these sad thoughts 2 mahself i'd juz lyk 2 let u kno i wish i'd never let u go & i'll always luv u deep insyd dis heart of myn i do luv u & i'll always need u & if u evr change ur mind i'll still i will luv u wish u'd nevr left me luv's a myster u can break a heart so easily d days & nyts reveal how much i feel 4 u tym has come 4 me 2 say how much ur luv has meant 2 me..."
*081202.11:17pm*
had a pretty interesting weekend...it wuz fun...clubbing, den clubbing again...yupz...d lyf...d music kinda suckd somewut tho...o well @ least...damn wit everyday d@ passes...i'm realyzin...damn i'm bout 2 go home soon!huhuhuhuhu...altho i wuz kinda bored @ 1st...i'm lykin' it...but sumthn i need 2 do still...i need 2 lose sum daymn weight!lol...wut else?ehh...i'm kinda trippn bout sumthn d@ i don' evn wanna put up here in mah diary...ugh...pissin me off tho...*sigh*...& here's anothr one...iono y but i can't seem 2 shake dis biatch impression i hav on people...i mean, i rilly ain't bad...i swear!y does evrybody think i'm so bad?i mean sumtymz it ain't all bad cuz people ain't so quick 2 treat u lyk shiet...but sumtymz...it juz gets 2 b a pain...oh well wutevr...i juz gotta deal i guess...ayt...i'm out...
"promiz u won`t 4get me.bcuz if i thought u would,i`d nevr leave."
*081602.4:35pm*
ey wut up y'all?me i'm doin' gr8...hehe...i hardly evr say dat shit but i guess ryt now it's appropriate...went clubbin again laz nyt...damn!!!hell ya!it wuz bumpin!i'm tired as fuck tho...got me 2 hours of sleep in 48 hours...*sigh*...gonna hit the clubs again 2nyt...gotta make d most of it u kno...i'ma b leavin here soon...awwww...well d@ 'bout it 4 me...i'm bout 2 bizounce...l8!
"...& ur d last thing on mah mind b4 i go 2 sleep @ nyt"
*082802.1:58am*
juz got bak from spain earlier 2day...ooh i loved it...it wuz tyt...got 2 hablar sum espanol...& there wuz dis tyt ass hip-hop & r&b club there called "londoner" & it wuz ryt across d street from our hotel...u bettr bliev i hit that shit EVERY NYT D@ I WUZ THERE...hehe...but daymn...i'm leavin soon...2morro, technically...d 29th...& mah ass'll b bak in chi-town in no tym...so juz hit me up on friday if u wanna reach me ayt?but daymn i'm missin' so much class iono if i'ma b able 2 hang or wut...guess i gotz no choice...wish me luck y'all...wut else?hmm...did sum major emotin' in spain while i laid out on d beach and chilld 2 mah slo jams...ugh!!!how frickn' cliche and korny is that huh???hehe...iono...is juz that 2 different scenarios or wutevr hav been runnin' thru mah brain l8ly...& it ain't xactly a dilemma...they're juz 2 completely different matters of d heart 4 which i can find no comfortable solution...but ya...i'm retarded...*lol*k i'ma go...need 2 get me sum sleep...take much carez y'all...& as always...i'ma leav ya wit a lil sumthin-sumthin'...it's a song by freestyle...i feel it..it touches me...i guess d bottom lyn is d@ it applied 2 me @ one point or anothr...
"i can still remembr yestrday we were so in luv in a special way & knowin' d@ u luvd me made me feel o so ryt but now i feel lost dunno wut 2 do each & evry day i think of u holdin' bak d tears i'm tryin' wit all my might bcuz u've gone & left me standin' all alone & i kno i've got 2 face 2morro on my own but baby b4 i let u go i want 2 say i luv u i hope d@ ur listenin cuz it's tru baby u'll b 4evr in my heart & i kno d@ no1 else will do so b4 i let u go i want 2 say i luv u i wish d@ it could b juz lyk b4 i kno i could've given u so much more even tho u kno i've given u all my luv i miss ur smyl i miss ur kiss each & evry day i reminisce cuz baby it's u d@ i'm always dreamin' of...slammin d door is nevr easy but i luv u so d@z y i set u free & i kno sumday sumhow i'll find a way 2 leav it all bhind me guess it wasn't meant 2 b..."
*091102.8:14pm*
omg....is been a long ass tym since i wrote in herre huh?hehe...well ya i'm bak in chicago in case anybody wants 2 kno...and i'm never online so juz hit me up on d cell ayt?ya wuz been up is 2 much sippin' and 2 much krayzie shiet...is gotta stop i kno...so spare me d lectures...lol...k well gotz 2 go...peayce y'all...
i try 2 move on but ur not gone cuz in mah heart u still live on so now i kno i will nevr luv anothr 4 d rest of mah lyf...
*091702.7:50pm*
ya well is been kinda krayzie & hectic l8ly...yo all i can say is d@ i'm tired as fuk...ugh...tlkd 2 sum1 i hadn't in a whylz earlier dis mornin'...iono it juz felt good u kno?2 pour mah heart out 2 sum1 who knows me bettr than i probly kno mahself...shiet it brings tears 2 mah eyez juz 2 think 'bout it...but ya...iono...thingz r juz fukd up...not been rilly goin' mah way in any aspect of mah lyf...evr get those weird spells?i mean...where it juz feels lyk shiet ain't ryt?*sigh*i don' wanna stress no more tho...cuz i kno tym'll fix wut needs 2 b fixd...& d rest...is juz shit...& d@z sumthin i rilly need 2 accept...so ya...4 now...i'm out...
"come a little bit closer let me hold u baby i will b good 2 u & we can try 2 4get 2moro make it last 4evr 2nyt..."
*100302.1:52am*
man...wut can i say?i'm...GONE...so ya...i'm stressin'...'bout school, bout alphi phi gamma, bout guys, bout EVERY MUTHA FUCKIN THING...does d@ make sense?so ya...lyf sux???*lol* i'm rilly confused about a lotta things, i kno i need 2 get mah priorities fuckin' str8...need i say more???y'all feel me ryt???hehe...but 4 now i gotta go get me sum sleep...i'm tired as fuk...& 2 those i luv...u kno who all of u r...i luv u...juz had 2 say d@ shiet...dunno y...
"i was a game he would play he brought d cloudz 2 mah day then lyk a ray of lyt u came mah way 1 nyt juz one look and i knew u would make evrythng clear make all d clouds disappear...put all ur fears 2 rest who do i luv d best?don't u kno...u got it all ovr him u got me over him hunny it's tru there's juz u...& ur all d@ he's not juz look wut i've got..."
*101402.5:09pm*
i'm confused as a muthafucka man...and i'm soooooooo tired...on d real yo...hella tired...did crop walk yesterday wit alpha phi gamma...then went 2 jo's kryb and went krayzie on d cleanin'...shiet i lookd lyk i wuz on shabs...hehe...ddn't crash til lyk 3am at which point i passd out...got mad exams dis week...plus its homecoming week and i'm forced 2 dress lyk an idiot...*sigh*...can't come home 4 3 weeks...i'm lonely and i'm sad...hehe...ayt...i'ma end up here...
"my friends they ask me what is it i see in you if i had an answer tell me why am i still so confused what i'm feelin' i can't explain somehow i know it's tru i'm here for you and if u want me 2 i'll take a chance wit u in luv ur all i need the air i breathe u mean the world 2 me...
dis is mah diary...(continued)
