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 Winter In the Soul

   The Bible speaks of seasons. Jesus lived through seasons here on earth - not only those of nature, but those of emotions, exhaustion, loneliness, grief and pain.

   Winter is nature's most silent season, and thus, easily illustrates the troubled and cold times of the human mind. I am certain that in nearly every person, there are such seasons, as the years pass, and trials besiege us.

   I have known overwhelming sorrow so deep and so numb, that I could barely function. I had nothing left to give anyone during that time. I was frozen inside like this for four years after I lost my precious, joyful, loving six year old twin daughters. I could not smile, except when I forced it for my remaining children. I was afraid to love anyone. I could feel almost nothing but the deepest pain. Every day, I was disappointed to be still alive. Many times simply breathing seemed too great an effort.

   My pain was so deep that I had no strength to even pray. I cried for months, but finally, I could not even cry. Part of me had folded up, and virtually disappeared within the agony.

   Many people know what I am speaking of. Countless people have lost children, through death, or being kidnapped, and the parents have been disintegrated by grief.

   Looking back, I see that if I had never experienced this complete emotional collapse, I would not be able to truly relate and understand, when others describe their own breakdowns to me. Because God did permit me to suffer this anguish, He is able to reach others through speaking words through me. I pray that somehow, He will be able to comfort and uphold others, through words that He gives me.

   But many times in my life, when sadness or deep disappointments have weighed me down too heavily, I have felt chilled and hopeless to the depths of my soul. When I emotionally fell in this way, no one could help me except my Saviour. The enemy would have liked nothing more than to press me further down, and keep me there, as he wishes to prevent me from achieving anything that would please my Heavenly Father. There have been times when I stayed down for a long time. But always, always, God drew close to me, and stretched out His hand to pull me up from the quicksand in my spirit, and give me strength to continue.

   I have known the feeling of wishing to die. But I would not have, because it would have hurt those I loved. Also, I knew that God would have been so very disappointed in me, for throwing away the one precious life He gave me.

   There is only one of each of us. For all the eggs God gave each of our mothers, and all the sperms He gave each of our fathers, only the specific union of the one egg and one sperm could have produced you, or me. If the next sperm had won the race, or if it had been next month's egg, there would have been someone else created. There would never have been any you, or any me.

   Each of our lives is unique and irreplacable. We need to keep remembering how much our lives mean to God, even when we have sunk to the depths of despair. As "Pilgrim's Progress" so aptly describes it - the slough of despond. As the Bible so vividly describes it - the miry pit.

   We are only human, and have such limited understanding, and feeble vision. When emotions overwhelm us, we can get sucked under, and swept into hopelessness; as the ocean's undertow would pull our feet out from beneath us. At times like that, it can appear that our life is worthless, and we will never experience any happiness again as long as we live. But that is the enemy speaking. We must look toward our Saviour, and tell Him we see no hope, but we wish we could see it again, and we know He could cause this to be. Even when we do such a tiny thing as to tell Christ how we feel, we are displaying that faith the size of a mustard seed. That faith that God responds to with such love.

   If we ask Him to show us just a ray of light, like the sun through the smallest break in the clouds, He will. And when we see that tiny ray of hope, we will understand that there is more light ahead. We will know that our doubt had no basis, and our lack of faith in the future had no foundation. God is absolutely dependable, and loves us with a love more powerful than we can possibly imagine.

    * And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? Matt. 14:31

   It is now over twelve years since the loss of my precious little girls. God has given me not only renewed joy, but oh, such a deeper walk with Him, through those years. I had not believed that life could hold anything good ever again, but I was wrong. God's hand had been holding mine the whole time, and He never would let go. Why did I doubt? My weak human spirit had failed me. God never failed me. His plans are perfect. I don't have to understand, or even try to. All I need to do is believe. And I do. The only thing that failed me, was myself.

   Imagine if your beloved child was so ill, she was delirious and hallucinating, and not even aware that you were sitting beside her, holding her hand. Even if you knew she had been given medicine, and would recover, you would stay at her side, in your intense love. Even more so does our Heavenly Father attend us, and hold our hand, when we are so wounded and shattered that we don't even see Him. We are infinitely precious to Him, and though He must be very sorrowful to witness our pain, He knows the whole story. We do not. He knows where His loving hand will lead us later. We do not. We must never forget that He will always stay beside us, His wisdom is perfect, and He will always love us.

   That winter of my spirit is over now. Spring has come once again, though I will always miss my daughters, until we meet again in Heaven. And I praise God for never losing faith in me. For never taking His compassionate eyes from me. For never withdrawing His loving, omnipotent hand from mine, through those broken years when I was blinded and lost.

    * For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; the flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds has come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land. Song Of Solomon 2:11-13

   No matter what God ever allows in the lives of His precious children, we can always know that He is all powerful. That He has a reason for everything, and we can trust Him completely, even when we have not one miniscule shred of comprehension. And we can know that even though it may make no sense at all to us, everything He permits to happen to His beloved ones, is borne of His infinite love.

    * The Lord Thy God in the midst of thee is mighty, He will save, He will rejoice over thee with joy; He will rest in His love, He will joy over thee with singing. Zephaniah 3:17


My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine;
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign.
My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.

I love Thee because Thou has first loved me,
And purchased my pardon on Calvary's tree.
I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.

I'll love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death,
And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath;
And say when the death dew lies cold on my brow,
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.

In mansions of glory and endless delight,
I'll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright;
I'll sing with the glittering crown on my brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.

William R. Featherston 1864



2005 Rosemary Gwaltney