Since my very first memories, I have been introspective. Perhaps partly because I spent my most formative years as an only child with two very quiet, introspective parents.
This part of my personality has both positive and negative aspects. In one way I think I spend too much time in touch with my own feelings. In another way, it is that constant awareness that also enables my own mistakes and successes to stay in touch with God's love and commandments. That awareness keeps me jerking back to shocking grief when I have failed in His eyes, and also keeps me bathing in flowing joy when I have pleased Him.
One inner battle I am always fighting, is the fight against self-pity. Many people have endured the losses and heartbreaks that I have. What makes me think I should have escaped? But I far too easily become sad, because of my losses.
How do other people bear terrible loneliness, divorce, losing a child or other loved one, the feeling of being unloved, or the loss of a wonderful life plan? I know of no way other than to turn to Jesus.
I sometimes feel as though my very spirit is pock-marked with gaping sores where my lost loved ones used to be. Then I'm feeling sorry for myself again. I despise this part of myself, because it swamps me, and takes away from my power to do something positive for the Lord, but yet, it still remains.
I am weak, but Thou art strong;
Jesus, keep me from all wrong;
I’ll be satisfied as long
As I walk, let me walk close to Thee.
Unknown Author
Several years ago, I began to ask God to help me understand how to deal with this mass of grief within me. First, I needed God to help me get rid of the self-pity intertwined through it, that, like a rock around my neck, keeps dragging me down. Little by little, He has guided me toward a path. A narrow, bramble-filled path full of rocks, that winds through a thick, dark forest. It is difficult to find this path, and even harder to stay on it. But it is the way to healing.
The time when you feel most absolutely alone or desolate, is the time to find someone to embrace, or show care for. If there is no one you can touch, you can give a smile to a stranger who looks sad. They are everywhere, and even a single smile could make an enormous difference in someone’s life. I know. I’ve been there myself. A time of emptiness is the time to turn those feelings inside out, and dare to reach out to someone else with your vulnerability, and helplessness. That is when healing will begin. Each gift of affection or care that you give, will return to you, even if simply in the form of God’s pleasure in your actions. God’s love and approval is the best thing in life.
Love lifted me! Love lifted me!
When nothing else could help
Love lifted me!
James Rowe 1912
When a wound is exposed to air and sun, it will heal much better than if it is bound up tightly. If your pain, your helplessness, your loneliness is held tightly in a knot decade after decade, it cannot heal. Worse, it can become calcified, mummified. It can only become bitter, stony, and impenetrable. Eventually, there may be no healing possible. I have known folks who were so hopelessly stuck in misery, that they did not want out. It had become their way of life.
But if you think of your pain as a soft, pliable object - a bag, perhaps - that you can open, and turn inside out, that is when the wound is exposed to air, and sun. The air and sun of giving to others who are in pain. For giving a smile, a hug, a word of encouragement to others, is a healing salve for you, no matter what your wounds are.
Then also, is when you can feel your Savior smiling down on you. For in comforting someone else, you have pleased Him, and He will put His healing salve - the balm of Gilead - on your broken heart, and the healing will continue.
There is a balm in Gilead
To make the wounded whole;
There is a balm in Gilead
To heal the sin sick soul.
African-American Spiritual
* Babylon is suddenly fallen and destroyed: howl for her; take balm for her pain, if so be she may be healed. Jer 51:8
* Go up to Gilead and take balm. Jeremiah 46:11
I have often felt worthless, a failure; such a disappointment to myself. At last I know that this is the time to pray: “It seems, Father, that I must be so to You too. I'm such a perfectionist in many ways, and I can never achieve what I think I should. But I want to please You. Oh, I want to please You so very much! Please help me. I lay myself before You.”
Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
Frances R. Havergal February 1874
“I surrender my self-pity, Father. I believe that self-pity is a sin for me, because it hinders me from focusing on You. I don't want to waste a bit more of this precious life You have given me, feeling this way. I want to live a life that pleases You. I want to give, and help others in Your name. I know I'll have to surrender it again and again, but I will, with Your help. Thank You, Father. Thank You.”
All to Jesus, I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.
Judson W. Van DeVenter 1896
