The Subject Of Blame

It happened again! I stepped into the shower, tipped the shampoo bottle over my head ... and got drenched with cold water. Immediately the question sprang to mind - "who did it?" Then I stood there, thinking. Does it really matter, who did it? The shampoo was nearly gone. Can I really blame my adult children who are mentally retarded for putting water in the bottle? Well, certainly I could! They all know better. But then ... is it worth fussing over? No, it is not.

I have changed a lot since my early mothering days.

I painfully remember once lining up four of my young children for some disobedient action, and making them stay there until one of them told me who did it. They were there a long time, that hot afternoon. I don't remember any more what the offense was, but I remember feeling frustrated, and faulty, and helpless too. I did not think this was the solution, but I could not figure out a better way to find out the answer.

In retrospect, there was no answer. I found out, some twenty years later, that three had convinced the fourth - a more vulnerable child - to confess, though she had not done it. There was no punishment, because I had told them there would not be, if the truth were told. So who did it? I'll never know. Is it possible that none of them remembered? Yes, I now believe that is possible. But I did not believe it at the time.

I worked very hard to be fair. But I could not always be.

* Man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward. Job 5:7

Of course, when my children were small, the situation was much different from today. But my priorities have changed enormously. I no longer think I really need to know who did what, on every little detail. Blaming is such a negative thing. If I had come out of the shower today, and hollered to my family "WHO put water in my shampoo?" would any of them have felt sorry? Absolutely not. Blame infuses a heart with anger, just as a cappuccino machine infuses coffee with steamed milk. Instant, and foaming!

It is necessary and right, to teach a child to obey and respect his parents. In turn, they should respect the child, and keep in mind that child's personality, and individual needs. Always be as certain as you can be, that the child is at fault, before correcting; and make the punishment fit the crime. I believe in having as few rules as possible. It is so important to be consistent, and the more rules we make, the harder we have to work, to see that every one is obeyed. Also, the fewer rules there are, the more willingly the child will follow them.

We do have to judge our children, and teach them to walk in the paths of righteousness. It is important to remember that God is also judging us. One of our God-given responsibilities is to teach and guide our children to the best of our ability.

Perhaps the small, irritating things are the most difficult to be fair about. The things that can raise a person's hackles in a moment. Things like finding a stash of dirty clothes beneath a child's bed, or an entirely melted bar of soap in the tub AGAIN.

The Bible repeatedly reminds us to be careful when we judge.

* ... judge your neighbor fairly. Leviticus 19:15b

* ... judge the people fairly. Deuteronomy 16:18b

* Judge carefully. 2 Chronicles 19:7

* I will judge you, each one according to his ways Ezekiel 18:30

Then, also, the Bible cautions us NOT to judge.

* Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7:1,2

* Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. ... for with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Luke 6:36,38

Judging is such an important thing for parents, I believe we are given warnings, in order to remember to be extra careful. Nothing provokes a person to wrath quite like being blamed when you are innocent. Provoking a child to wrath is not godly. Though the Bible directs commands toward fathers about this, I am certain the same goes for mothers too.

* Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. Colossians 3:21

* And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

Being fair takes a lot of work for a parent. But fair and consistent correcting produces obedient children. Blaming, and anger produces angry children. Thoughtful caution nurtures fairness. And when fairness is exercised, patience and wisdom grow.

Stepping stones to wisdom. I'll be learning all of my life, Lord willing.