Developing Patience In Marriage

   Getting married opened up an entire new world to me. I had adopted children as a single mother for so many years, that I had grown accustomed to running my own world. Now I had another adult intimately sharing my world, who had his own way of looking at things. At times that was a very different way than mine. I had to learn that it was no longer my world, it was OUR world. What a change! This required patience with a new set of things; quite different in many ways, from the set needed to raise children. Still, the exercise of acting patient helps cope with each new challenge. It is much like a muscle. The more I use it, the more powerful it becomes. Yes, patience is a power.

   The way I act influences how I feel inside. When I have raised my voice to others, it did not help. It gave my anger strength. When I have kept my silence, and acted patient, it reinforced my true patience. It helped develop a deeper and truer patience.

   In the early years of our marriage, my husband tended to be bossy. He too, was accustomed to running his own world.

   My hackles rise instantly when I am bossed. My immediate instinct is to fight back. Although I have learned not to do that, I still have the desire to refuse anything unless I am asked nicely. When I write here, the true contents of my heart, I am saddened. I am a rebellious, stubborn woman inside. Not many know this, as I have a quiet manner, and a ready smile. But God knows the inner workings of my heart. Perhaps He allowed these new challenges, to help me develop more fully, the heart He wants me to have.

    * ... let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us. Hbr 12:1b

   I resent being criticized. It hurts my pride to be accused of doing something wrong, even when I AM wrong. I am very deeply aware of all my faults, and am my own worst critic. I know I am not a good housekeeper, can't remember where anything is, if it's out of place, and other things. I don't like being reminded that I woke him up snoring. I can't help that, and it makes me feel embarassed, helpless, and irritated. It's all about pride, and that is such a useless emotion. If I wasn't proud, it wouldn't hurt me. As I was growing up, my mother used to quote me the verse "Pride goeth before a fall."

   I don't like being reminded of things I did wrong in the past. However, I am guilty of having done the same thing.

   True patience requires that I not hold on to sharp things, but let my inner mind become smooth like a summer lake. It is painful and destructive to hang onto sharp things. God made it very clear that He wants us to be patient. He models this behavior by His amazing patience with us, His beloved children.

    * Now the God of patience and consolation grant you to be likeminded one toward another according to Christ Jesus. Rom 15:5

   I don't like being yelled at. My instinct is to yell back, but I have achieved enough maturity to stop myself, and just listen quietly. When a person is yelling, their emotions are strong, and they won't hear anything beyond their own inner hurricane. It truly does take two to make a fight.

    * A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Pro 15:1

   Patience is very important, in our characters. It is the sugar in the cookie. It is the yeast in the bread. Without it, we are not complete, and cannot develop for Christ as we should.

   What is it that causes us to need patience? We need patience when we have trials; when things don't go our way; when other people cross us. We need patience when we marry and must integrate a new set of ways into our own. The more set we are, in believing that our own ways are the best, the more trouble we're likely to have. It takes real effort, to open our minds to accepting someone else's way of living.

    * But in all things approving ourselves as the ministers of God, in much patience, in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses, 2 Cor 6:4

   I get irritated at small things: when he gets food in the margarine, when he rearranges kitchen cupboards, etc. It has only been through surviving major trials in life, that I have learned to say to myself "don't sweat the small stuff." But oh, it goes far beyond a trite little cliche. It goes to the depth of my heart, in loving and wanting to please my Saviour. I also deeply love my husband, and desire to please him too. As the years pass, my eyes are opened to the fact that my husband is becoming more patient, more gentle, more accepting. Patience begets patience. Mine helps his to grow, and his helps mine. We are learning together.

   Patience is required, to be gracious and kind, to be loving and accepting. Marriage takes up a great amount of time in learning all these new kinds of patience. I am grateful to God, for continuing to show me what I need to learn; and helping me develop in a way that pleases Him. When I am irritated, I purposely remind myself that these little things are lessons in God's school, and I want to be a good student. The more I keep quiet, and determine to become patient with God's help, the less I am bothered by little things.

    * ... we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience. Rom 5:3b

    * Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness. Col 1:11

   Joyfulness? Did that verse say longsuffering with joyfulness? It certainly did. Why is that? Well, life has taught me that longsuffering is something we can't always avoid. I know now that God is stating a most vividly important truth here. If we endure what we must, with patience, He will give us joy. If I am peaceful in my mind, I open up like a daffodil, eager to soak up the sunshine of happiness, and reflect it to others. A sour, unhappy mind is like a blighted bud which cannot open, soak up the sun, or reflect brightness to others.

   I want to be the daffodil that opens in the sun. I strive to be a patient person inside, so I can experience peace. I want to reflect God's goodness from that peace, and give out joy. A person who gives out joy and peace, will likely receive the same from others. Patience is the root of joy. It is a gift from God, and like a seed, it grows best when we remember to tend it.