When I was married in my youth, I used to stick up stubbornly for my side in issues; and when I was wronged, it was very hard to forgive. Oh, how much I have tried to change that part of me! In time, I learned to stop arguing, and close my mouth. However, that was not enough. In my heart, though I was silent, the issue sometimes remained, growing more bitter as time passed.

   Thus, I learned that holding it in, and simply not talking about it was a very destructive thing. If the other person is not willing to talk it out with me, or perhaps not sorry at all, I must give it to God, and let it go, so bitterness will not grow, and the memory can fade away. So HOW can I let it go? That has been the overwhelming problem. For years now, God has been teaching me through convicting me and gently guiding me. I could not do it without Him. But where could I start? How could I deal with my own heart?

   There is one central fact to be faced first. It was very hard for me to accept when God first showed me. This is that the one who wronged me might NEVER be moved to see where he was wrong. The other person is up to God.

   If I waited for the person who wronged me to see that he was wrong, before I could let an issue go in my own heart, my wrong feelings might never be resolved. My own forgiving is between God and me, and has nothing at all to do with what the one who wronged me did or may do.

   It is not in our human nature to forgive and let something go, particularly when the one who wronged us does not care. Or when we perceive that they don't care, which may or may not be correct.

   The ability to forgive is a holy and divine gift that only Christ can give us. To forgive someone who wronged us, is a great blessing, because of the lightness and joy we experience when the weight and bitterness of our own anger is lifted from us!

   If someone swung a machete, and cut us, could he do anything to help that gaping wound heal? No. No matter how sorry he was, he could not help heal that wound. Isn't an emotional wound the same? I think so. The one who physically cut us, could put on a bandage, but it is only God who can heal the wound. The one who emotionally cut us, could say how sorry they were, but no matter what the person said, only God can move in our hearts, and heal the anger.

   The key to opening my heart's door to God's work, is to tell Him that I realize that the other person's heart is not my business, and I want to let go of it, but I need His help to do that.

   I tell my Heavenly Father that I am willing to put the other person's heart in His hands. I tell Him I want to concentrate on what is wrong in my own heart. I must figure out what my own sins are... resentment ... bitterness ... the unwillingness to forgive. Then I tell God that there are these wrong things in me, that I need Him to help me get rid of. When I ask for His help, He helps me. Of course I know that God knows these things already. Telling Him serves two purposes. It makes my own priorities and goals clear in my mind. Also, when we are honest with the Lord, we clear the way for ourselves to hear Him better. If we fool ourselves into "keeping something" from Him, it is a big boulder in the path between God and ourselves.

   It is possible, at a later time, that the Holy Spirit might move in the heart of the one who wronged me. But the work in my heart can't wait for that, if I want to obey my Heavenly Father, and rid myself of the negative feelings that keep simmering inside from injured feelings. If I wish to heal, it is only between God and me.

   Countless times in my life, I have brought up old hurts later, when the fresh anger was over. Rarely has this done any good. Looking back, I realize now that the reason for the failure was my own reason for bringing it up again. I had thought I was trying to facilitate communication, at the time. It is important to communicate, of course. But when the conversation went badly, I came to realize that I had brought it up, to try to prove that I was right. I gave much thought to the reason why I wanted to prove that I was right, when I was sure that I was. Quite honestly, it was pride. It has been a source of deep disappointment to me, finding this out about myself. I had truly thought I was humble. I'm a quiet, passive person in general, who smiles often. To come to the realization that I was cursed with pride was a terrible shock. But unfortunately, it was true. Did it really matter that I was right? Usually, the answer is "no". Surely pride is one of the sharpest tools there are, to destroy a relationship. No wonder the enemy tries to use it so often to hurt us.

    * Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. Prov. 16:18

   To master a profession, one must attend college, or a teaching school, to learn all the skills of the trade. This life is our teaching ground for eternity. If we are to grow in grace here, we must endure trials without a "poor me" attitude. Trials are the tools God uses to shape and mold our characters. They are the textbooks to teach us where we are wrong, and help us develop a desire to do what pleases God.

   I have a deep desire to live in peace. An amazing peace comes, when I deliberately turn my heart away from my hurts, and toward my Heavenly Father.

   I used to worry a lot about whether I had forgiven something or not, when it kept coming back in life, through new experiences, or just memories. The book "Choosing Forgiveness" has given me much relief in this area. Nancy DeMoss says you can't depend on your own feelings, to see if you have forgiven. She says to tell God that you are forgiving this particular person for the wound, and it is done, because your heart is in the right place. God knows that you know you need Him to achieve forgiveness. Then, when, in excitement, I read my husband this part of the book, he added something very important. He said: "and then you should thank Him that you have forgiven." Yes, I think this is very important, because it is a verification for you, that forgiveness has truly occurred! So I tell Jesus that I have forgiven, thank Him for helping me to forgive, and then trust Him that I have forgiven at last. I don't have to worry about it any more.

   I spent much time with the Lord through Nancy's book, searching my heart, and praying. Now I believe I have forgiven everyone who ever hurt me in my life. A new feeling has been born! A feeling of lightness, and yes, freedom has filled my soul. I'm 55 years old, and have suffered with personal hurts all of my life. I have tried to forgive, but worried that I might not have, because the hurts kept coming back. Now I know to watch out for the enemy, who might try to cause a new resentment to grow in the future. I won't have it! I'm aware now, and watching out. With God's help, I refuse to nurture any more negative feelings about old wounds. However, I am confident that I have truly forgiven at last. It has taken me half a century to learn this. How I wish I had learned faster, and been able to teach my children forgiveness better than I did. Perhaps God will still allow me in some way, to minister to them as the years pass, through my own mistakes and learning.

   One added thing is my determination to continue forgiving, with God's help, everyone who hurts me in the future, and not worry about whether the person is sorry or not. Yes, I will let the person know they have hurt me, if it seems that communication could be helped by that. After that, just forgive. My heart will remain right with God, and that is the thing that matters the most by far.

   I am now trying tremendously hard NOT to try to change other adults. Instead, my goal is to change myself, to open myself to God's healing for my own weaknesses. To open my heart to God's holiness - only He can help me cleanse my own mind of negative and wrong feelings. I praise God that He is working with me, teaching me, and most of all, that He loves me through the whole thing.

2005 - 2006 Rosemary Gwaltney