Forgiving Infidelity

   This is such a tender, agonizing subject, that it has taken me many years to think how to approach it. It is almost impossible to find a devotional about it.

   I experienced it myself, decades ago, which is the only reason I dare to write of it at all.

   To have one's beloved husband turn to another for additional sexual fulfillment, is a wound beyond all description. Not only pain, but humiliation, betrayal, rage, bewilderment, and great suffering. Every day after that, each time he passes or enters the room, the vision returns. It is difficult to even see him, or hear his voice.

   It is a feeling of being cornered, surrounded by roaring lions, and with no way to escape. In many cases, there is no one to turn to. No one to help you find a path to take, from here. All at once, it is as though you have been dropped without warning or preparation from another planet, to an unknown desert. I don't have any idea how people who are not saved, survive this. But Christians in this position turn to God with all their overflowing emotions, and needing comfort so badly. "WHY?" Is probably the first question. The first in a series of thoughts, that may take years, while healing slowly takes place. But "why" is one of the most self-defeating questions of all. For there is probably no human answer which one will ever understand.

   "ENCOUNTER WITH GOD

THE DESERT is a place of struggle, even of suffering. But it is also a place of encounter with God. Jesus wrestled with the temptations to which we are all subject, the temptations to choose power, privilege, and possessions in place of God. He chooses instead powerlessness, humility, and poverty. His choice is God.

What desert place have we been brought to that asks us to choose? In our desert we will struggle, but it is there that we will encounter God.

   parts used, written by Wendy M. Wright from WEAVINGS JOURNAL"

   Life had changed in a twinkling of an eye, to a nightmare. Like a sudden death, except there would be no closure. My heart was broken wide open, the pain was excruciating. The man I thought I had known, and loved so dearly, now appeared to me, to be someone I had never seen before. Someone who was not even sorry.

   The following concerns a broken heart opening the heart to God, like never before. A broken heart is a gift? WHAT? But as I pondered, I saw that indeed, God could plant His word deeply in a broken heart, like a seed in a harrowed field. However, that seed could not take root if it fell upon unplowed soil. And my heart had dried up instantly, hard as summer-parched earth.

   "THE GIFT OF TEARS

I once heard a wise priest say, in a meditation on gratitude, that we should be especially grateful for whatever breaks our hearts. Reflecting on God's promise to write "upon" our hearts rather than "within" them, he suggested that our own hearts are so hard that all God can do is write upon the surface (Jer. 31:33). It is only when our hearts break, that they break open: then the word of God can enter deeply, like a seed in a harrowed field.

Perhaps this heartbroken availability is the "gift of tears" the desert fathers prized so highly, and urged each other to seek so urgently. ... But in a special mercy, not only the specifically prayed-for tears of the ascetics will avail us this vision and this ministry: the ordinary sorrows of an ordinary life will suffice.

   by Deborah Smith Douglas from WEAVINGS JOURNAL"

   The next few years were the hardest years I had ever known. I was wandering in a desert with no path out. However, I was aware that God could cause, from this barren time, something new and good to grow for His glory. I prayed that He would, and I prayed for a way out. A way to forgive AND forget, which seemed impossible. I trusted Him to do just that. But I'm ashamed to admit how slowly I learned, that all I was doing was poisoning myself.

   "SACRAMENTAL SEASONS

WILDERNESS wanderings can be sacramental seasons when we become aware that God will not forsake us, that God will provide a way where there seems to be no way. ... If we trust in God, our desert times can richly bless us.

   by Dwight W. Vogel, Linda J. Vogel from SYNCOPATED GRACE"

   My pain and bitterness would return because I would have a dream about it, or some other circumstance would bring it back. Then it seemed I would have to start all over, forgiving him, long after our marriage had dissolved, and he was gone.

   BUT at last God disclosed to my heart, that I was in the wrong, for allowing Satan to torment me with those ancient wounds and memories. I was to cast my cares upon the Lord, and live in peace. It was giving Satan glory, to allow him to drag me back into the miry pit again and again! What a terrible thought!

   All through that young marriage, God had loved both of us equally. I was no better than my ex-husband. We were both born sinners. Though our sins had been different, they were sins all the same. I had felt unloved by him, certainly. But I knew I was loved by God, and so was he.

   "SELF-REVELATION BEFORE GOD

IN THE MOMENT that we sense in prayer the sweep of God's love, a light is cast upon our own condition revealing us to ourselves as no amount of introspection can do. No amount of considering what we think of ourselves, what our friends think of us, or what our enemies say of us is even faintly comparable to this self-revelation that comes from prayer.

If we dare to stay in this chamber -- aware of our shortcomings in the Light of God's loving presence -- both the revelation of what must be put right and the strength to put it right must be given to us.

   by Douglas V. Steere from DIMENSIONS OF PRAYER"

   Decades later, still burdened with my recurring hurt, God gave me the awareness that it was neither right, nor necessary. Then the Holy Spirit disclosed to me that I should pray a new prayer. "Dear Father, I need Your help. I pray that You will make my heart immune to this pain. That when it comes around again, my mind will skip over it, as though it were but a vapor in the air, and then gone. I want so much to please You, not just outside, but deep within my soul. Help me to be pure in heart, and not harbor bitterness. I praise You, thank You, and love You, dear Heavenly Father."

   I taped it up, to remind myself to pray it every day, with complete trust that God would bring it to pass.

   "PRAYER FOR RENEWAL

COME, SPIRIT, breath of God,
breathe new life into me.
Blow away the cobwebs in my mind:
clear away the debris in my soul.
Bring healing to my wounds and comfort to my grief.
Refresh my spirit, set my feet to dancing,
and set my heart ablaze.
Wind of God, touch my life
and open me to your direction.
Amen.

by Larry J. Peacock from OPENINGS"

   And I must never forget Jesus' words, and how He taught us to pray. I used to be puzzled at the plea that He lead us not into temptation, for why, I thought, would He ever do that? But in this instance, I understood completely.

Jesus taught us to pray:

    * "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth, as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors... lead us not into temptation (bitterness) but deliver us from evil (my ex-husband's cutting words) for Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory for ever, Amen. For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6: 9-14"

   It was clear that I must learn to fully forgive him at last. What happens when I think of it again, I asked myself. Well, that would be the time for me to pray FOR him, and to pray the prayer for my own ability to forgive, and experience peace.

   I never thought this would be possible. But with God's mercy and grace, comfort and my slowly growing comprehension, I at last became able to, one step at a time.

   In Matthew 5, I find Jesus' own words: blessed are:

they that mourn (for they shall be comforted)
blessed are the merciful, (for they shall obtain mercy)
they that hunger after righteousness (for they shall be filled)
the poor in spirit - what does this mean? humble? (for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven)
the pure in heart (for they shall see God)
the peacemakers (for they shall be called the children of God)

   And it became clear to me that this was not an issue of my ex-husband, or his heart, or what he did, at all. This was an issue for my own heart, and my own conscience. This was an issue of my own submission to God's decision to allow me to stumble through this desert. I believed with all my heart that He had a good reason. And while I didn't pretend to know what it was, I was willing to obey Him, and to nourish those new seeds that He had planted, so they might flourish and grow. Above all, I desired so much to become a person who pleased God. I longed to become a woman after His own heart. I wanted so much for Him to say to me some day, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

   And that will be my goal all the days of my life.

   I want to make one thing clear, concerning this particular writing. It spans twenty-nine years. The writing is true, but taken from different parts of my life. I was not able to forgive this hideous emotional injury when I was young. I stayed single for the next twenty-three years. It has only been during the past few years, that the Holy Spirit has brought me to my knees, and given me true and humble forgiveness for that long-ago wound. What a relief it is, to have it healed at last. And how grateful I am, that I was finally able to learn what God was waiting to teach me all those years.

2005 Rosemary Gwaltney