Changing For My Husband

   Sharing eight years of life with my husband is not long, for the massive changes I have gone through. I want to be a good wife. What I am responsible for is my side of this relationship. A great deal of effort is going into it.

   It is much harder than I expected it to be. I forgot that when you are married, an entirely unique relationship is created. An absolutely new bunch of behaviors is required, to ensure peace.

   I failed marriage in my youth. The only human relationship that I have much knowledge about, is that of a mother and child. Being a single mother for twenty-three years of my adulthood, and not being acquainted with any men except my father, I did not learn marriage skills.

   Where does a person begin? One cannot mother one's husband. Nor should one act like a child to him. Certainly friendship is a part of marriage, but one needs to be prepared for irritation and anger that would have no part in a plain friendship. When you are married, and begin to become annoyed with the other partner, you can't go home. You are home. When you become annoying to your partner by something you're saying, you are forced to choose between continuing, and creating an argument, or closing your mouth and quitting on your own. It is simply not in our human nature to stop on our own. That takes grace from God.

   I believe every high schooler should have to take a course in getting along with a mate. They should be made aware, that anger, irritation and annoyance will certainly rear their ugly heads, and try to ruin a marriage. Teenagers should be given lists of problems, lists of possible solutions, and hope that even though there will definitely be problems, solutions can often be found. It would give them a glimpse of the future, and a guide to help them succeed in marriage.

   Being a wife is an entirely different relationship, and one I was not ready for or equal to the challenge of. In truth, nothing in life could have prepared me.

   When one is a single mother, one makes all the decisions alone. There is no choice, and it becomes a normal part of life. A person lives life the best they can, in the way they prefer, if possible. A person who gives respect to one's children, receives respect in return. I assumed I would be shown respect by my husband, as well. I expected to be able to make many of the same decisions as before. Small things, like moving furniture around, or cooking what I knew how to cook. Small, but surprisingly important things, like serving meals at the same time you have for thirty years, or organizing your closets the way you like them.

   Life is made up of an amazing variety of habits. My husband wanted me to dress differently and wear my hair differently, and I did these things happily, thinking he would like me for it. I found that he expected me to silently endure when he made changes to what I did, without complaint. This was another story. I did NOT want my life changed so radically. I did NOT want to find I had no voice in decisions any more.

   I had no idea that my habits made up so much of myself. I knew that I was a good organizer of life events, but wasn't aware that I wanted things to stay the way I was accustomed to. I was in no way prepared to give up my way of life. I thought life would go pretty much the same, only enriched by this wonderful new addition - my husband. Little did I comprehend that he expected life to go exactly the way he was accustomed to, and he wasn't about to change that. We were in our middle to late forties. I was about to learn what the phrase "set in their ways" truly means!

   It is good that I know how to run a household and a budget. Who would I be without knowing how to do things? Who would I be, if I could not use the habits I had learned? Like I recently read, in a book by an immigrant from Afghanistan to the U.S., going from one culture to a completely different one, a person has to change everything they do, and learn as they go along. That is what I feel like, in this marriage. A person dropped straight into a foreign land; a strange culture of home that I have never known before. A place I don't know the rules and behaviors for, much less customs of. A new life with no guide. No guide, that is, except the Bible, and it is the best one.

   It does not seem to me that my marriage is equal and fair. But then, is anyone's? I do not know, but I seriously doubt it. All I do know, in terms of keeping peace between adults, is how to be respectful. I do not tell my independent adult children what to do. I am not accustomed to, nor do I feel nice about another adult human being telling me what to do. I do not feel like giving my way of doing things, over to someone else's. Being human, I will always have needs and wants of my own, but I do submit most of the time. However, I have discovered to my disappointment, that I am not as sweet inside as I look. Not even as sweet as I thought I was! Imagine! I actually thought I was a fairly sweet person, before I married. Oh what a let-down.

   I am able to ACT sweet much of the time. But my conscience does not let me stop there.

   The main problem for me, is not whether I am patient when I should be, silent when it is wise to be, and thoughtful concerning my husband's wishes. The much more difficult thing is that, inside me, I want my husband to recognize my effort. I want him to praise me, and tell me I am a good wife. That is the plain truth. (It is a tremendous thrill when he does tell me!)

   Yet I do comprehend that if I put effort into being considerate of him, I should not let him know. If I say "did you notice how nice I was?" won't I have ruined it? If I point out that I was kind, that makes me sound self-righteous. If I am self-righteous, I cannot be truly compassionate.

   I certainly have a tendency to snap back when snapped at. To feel very angrily charcoal gray in spirit when criticized or scorned. To complain about things that irritate me. I continually fight against my human nature. My life goal now, is to behave more and more like Jesus taught. Still, the older I get, the more I see that I have too far to go. Maybe if I lived about three hundred years ...

   It is a difficult thing at times, being completely honest with myself. But it does help me figure out things, from all sides.

   The first years of marriage for me were bright with love, alive with emotion, and glowing with hopeful expectations. The next years were bitter with disappointment, and burning with resentment. Then I grew very, very sad. It took seven years to reach that sadness. If I weren't saved, I would have divorced my husband long ago. But I am a born-again Christian, and things are not that easy. I must stop and evaluate what God would want. How can I always know? I don't. The best I can do is try.

   During the past year, a great spiritual revival has gone on in my spirit. My husband has ceased being the focus of my days. My Heavenly Father is the focus. It is He whom I truly desire to please. After all, if I am working to please God, that helps me along the road of being what I think of as a good wife. And in putting God first, a new love has been developing to add to the old, so that I love my husband more than I did before. It is a Godly love, instead of a selfish one, and therefore a much better quality!

   It is important to stop, when irritated, and remember the things about him that make me happy. We watch the snow fall together. We both love the Lord. The things that bring joy should not be forgotten, when all seems gloom. They help bring the proper perspective back. I would be terribly lonely at night as I was before, without the comfort of his snoring beside me.

   Peace is very important to me. I cannot live with discontentment. I cannot bear to be around anger for very long. Nor can I stay angry for long. It is absolutely necessary to me, to keep the peace.

   To treat one's better half with good will and kindness, is to create a peaceful home. If I were to speak out every time I am unhappy or disappointed, we would have an unhappy marriage indeed. It would be filled with complaint. My husband does not fill the air with complaining about me. In fact, he complains very little about me. I wonder often, if he is thinking complaints, that he does not say, like I do. If not, then he is doing better than I. Oh, me.

    * Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: (good will, kindness) and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 1 Cor 7:3