Here? I'm not sure what we're gonna put here. It'll mostly be random, either our thoughts or those of someone else. Hopefully, most of it will be somewhat intelligent and some of it will be rambling. Whatever they are, I'm sure something will have a significance to some people out there.
January 2nd, 2001
I'm not going to wish for world peace because at the rate we're headed, we're never gonna get it. I'm not gonna wish for the end of starvation because most people out there are too greedy to give up what they can for those who need it. I AM gonn wish for something that everyone deserves. No matter how nasty someone may act, how cold hearted they may seem, how selfish they may be, I wish them a good New Years. Just imagine if everyone was happy on New Years Eve. if EVERY SINGLE PERSON in this world was happy on just that one day, imagine how different that day would seem in your eyes. How would you see the world if everything was good? And how would you view the day after? Just think about that.
Happy New Years to ya'll!
Alexandria and Rachel
(This is an e-mail I got from a friend. I kinda think it's true ::grins::)
January 6th, 2001
WOMEN:
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to
use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and
themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than Just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and fixing shit.
January 15th, 2001
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?
BOY : What time was it?
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon?
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?
GIRL1 : Have you ever had a hot passionate,burning kiss?
GIRL2 : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
March 4th, 2001
Solve the puzzles by saying them outloud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating teh phrase, until you "hear" the answer:
SHOCK CUSSED TOE (~a person~)
SAND TACKLE LAWS (~a fictional character~)
MY GULCH HOARD UN (~a person~)
MOW BEAD HICK (~a book~)
TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (~a person~)
CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (~a product~)
THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (~a thing~)
AISLE OH VIEW (~a phrase~)
TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (~an old television show~)
CARESS TROUGHER CUMP US (~a person~)
DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (~a person~)
THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (~a place~)
AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (~a fictional character~)
THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (~a movie~)
BUCK SPUN HE (~a fictional character~)
March 4th, 2001
PICTUREPICTUREPICTURE
Though this seems a far bit late, we would like to leave a word for MIchael Ciccione, the amazing actor and singer who played Jason QT McKnight of 2gether. Of course we had not konws him personally, but he was 16 and had yet lived only a small portion of his life. He, as well as everyone else, deserved to live a full, fulfilled life. His was unfortunately claimed by Hodgkin's Disease. Condolensces of many go out to his family. He was loved and he is missed. Whoever is taking care of him now is sure to be lucky.
March 19th, 2001
Mental anxiety
Mental breakdowns
Menstrual cramps
Menopause
Did you ever notice how all women's problems begin with MEN?!?!?!
May 2nd, 2001
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
(this has got to be the best I've seen yet)
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@cae.caElvis-the-King@cae.ca
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it IN.
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8)Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with: That's what you think.
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are and laugh hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does.(This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call the psychic hot line and don't say anything.
24) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
26) When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
27) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me,it's the voices in your head that do."
28) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
29) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
30). Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
May 18th, 2001
TO ALL MY FRIENDS - A POEM
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, ...I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend!
June 22nd, 2001
TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR
>>>~ Pass My Shotgun
>>>~ Psychotic Mood Shift
>>>~ Perpetual Munching Spree
>>>~ Puffy Mid-Section
>>>~ People Make Me Sick
>>>~ Provide Me with Sweets
>>>~ Pardon My Sobbing
>>>~ Pimples May Surface
>>>~ Pass My Sweatpants
>>>~ Pissy Mood Syndrome
>>>~ Plainly; Men Suck
>>>~ Pack My Stuff
>>>~ Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
> > > > > > > >>>
Q: How many women with PMS does it
> > > > take to change a light bulb?
> > > > > > > >>>
> > > > > > > >>>A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know > > > > WHY? Because no one e lse in this
> > > > > house
> > > > > > > >>>knows HOW to change a light bulb!
> > > > They don't even know that the
> > > > bulb
> > > > > is
> > > > > > > >>>BURNED OUT! They would sit in the
> > > > dark for THREE DAYS before they
> > > > > figured
> > > > > > > >>>it out. And, once they figured it
> > > > out, they wouldn't be able to
> > > > find
> > > > > > > >>>the light bulbs despite the fact
> > > > that they've been in the SAME
> > > > > CUPBOARD
> > > > > > > >>>for the past 17 YEARS! But if they
> > > > did, by some miracle, actually
> > > > > find
> > > > dragged to stand on to change the
> > > > > > > STUPID
> > > > > > > >>>light bulb would STILL BE IN THE
> > > > SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT
> > > > WOULDP>
> > > > > BE
> > > > > > > >>>THE WRAPPER THE STUPID ~!#$% LIGHT
> > > > BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE
> > > > NO-ONE
> > > > > > > EVER
> > > > > > > >>>CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A
> > > > WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
> > > > > FROM
> > > > > > > THE
> > > > > > > >>>PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP
> > > > THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE
> > > > > > > >>>HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO
> > > > CLEAN THIS !*+^#$%!! HOUSE!
> > > > > > > >>>
> > > > > > > >>>I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
July 22nd, 2001
GEORGE CARLIN SPECIAL...
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
July 22nd, 2001
FAIRYTAKE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21ST CENTURY
> ~~~~~~~~
> Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat,
> ~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and setup housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever
~~~~~~~~
feel grateful and happy doing so.
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't fucking think so.
July 22nd, 2001
WHAT A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
*
A WOMEN SHOULD HAVE
*
*
*
...one old love she can imagine
going back to... and one who reminds
her how far she has come...
*
*
...enough money within her
control to move out and rent a place
of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...
*
*
*
...something perfect to wear if
the employer or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...
*
*
*
...a youth she's content to
leave behind...
...a past juicy enough that
she's looking forward to retelling it
in her old age...
*
*
*
...a set of screwdrivers, a
cordless drill, and a black lace
bra...
*
*
*
One friend who always makes
her laugh... and one who lets her
cry...
*
*
*
...a good piece of furniture
not previously owned by anyone else
in her family...
*
*
*
...eight matching plates, wine
glasses with stems, and a recipe
for a meal that will make her
guests feel honored..
*
*
*
...a feeling of control over
her destiny...
*
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
*
*
*
...how to fall in love without
losing herself...
...how to quit a job, break up
with a lover, and confront a friend
without ruining the friendship...
*
*
*
...when to try harder... and
when to walk away...
*
*
*
...that she can't change the
length of her calves, the width of
her hips, or the nature of her
parents...
*
*
*
...that her childhood may not
have been perfect... but its over...
*
*
*
...what she would and wouldn't
do for love or more...
*
*
*
...how to live alone... even if
she doesn't like it...
*
*
*
...whom she can trust, whom she
can't, and why she shouldn't take
it personally...
*
*
*
..where to go... be it to her
best friend's kitchen table... or a
charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
*
*
*
...what she can and can't
accomplish in a day... a month...and
a year...