The very reason for this is for people to know I am real. I want people to realize that I am human just like everyone else, I have feelings just like everyone else, and I like people to know how I feel, though I have trouble expressing myself.
1/14/01
For a very valid reason, I'm basically being asked to write in this tonight. Valid reasons, though, sometimes turn out not to be so valid. The reaons I am on so late tonight seems stupid even to me. Yes, I am talking to two of my close friends, but they all know that's not the main reason. In my heart, deep down, I know they all know the reason I'm here. I hate it just as much as the next person, but it's the truth. I'm waiting for someone. This guy that I really like. Does he like me? So it seems, he does, but with guys, ya never know.
Girls will know what I'm talking about when I say that no matter how much guys complain, that they don't understand women, we don't have much of an easier time, do we? I try to understand guys that I date more than I do myself. I have no idea what I, myself, am about, and frankly I'm a little scared to find out. I'm more worried about the opposite sex and what they think of me. It's sad when you get down to the point, but then again...it's life.
1/15/01
As the world turns...never actually watched that show, but I kind of understand the title. I've had a day. Good and even, i guess. Not a bad day in the LEAST, just kinda somber until the end. I was online late last night, as you may know, and I was pining away for myself. Basically offering self-pity lessons to anyone who would listen. My two friends, let's call them Adam and Eric, shall we?, chatted with me until dusk, lifting my spirits immensly, I was as grateful for them as I am of music (and music happens to be the main point in my life at this moment and most likely always will be). They not only kept me talking, and not only made sense and helped me through some things, but they made me laugh. Both of them.
As some people know, laughter coming from me is very rare and when it comes, it comes from the heart. I hope I reach out for two of these two the way they have for me. Along with other things, they have lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders. Thank you to both "Adam" and "Eric." You know who you are.
1/26/01
And again, life takes a daring twist in the WRONG direction. I had midterms all this week, which I didn't think were terribly hard...that's until I got the damned things back. My grades were...well, lets just say they were less than I expected. I know if I had said too many times that "they were easy," it would come back and bite me in the ass, which it did. So, here I am, sitting in school, in music class, waiting to go to my next fate: Chemistry. One of my worse subjects, but I thought the test was pretty easy. Then, someone tells me that my grade is worse than I expected. I'm not a happy camper right now... Someone had BETTER have chocolate when I get home.
2/5/01
Songs have a great meaning behind them. Whether one takes the time to sit and really think about them or not, they have an impact on every detail of your life. Movie directors have the right idea when they put the soft background to a scene. They have to analyze the scene and put in just the right scales of music. It's really truly amazing how accurate they can be if you really think about it.
That, however, is only part of my point. Music - whether it is the lyrics, melody, harmony, acoustics, anything - has an effect on your life. Sometimes when I am in a situation, I sit there and think about what kind of music I would like to put it to. Music plays through my head every second of the day, whether it is a child's playsong or a song by Creed. Sometimes, I even make up my own tunes. The point is that music is music. You can't ever get away from it. I have come to realize that the type of music you listen to determines the kind of person you are ON THE INSIDE. I listen to too many love songs in my own opinion. I've become soft-hearted and have gotten hurt countless times because of it.
No matter how many times I try and tell myself to be more careful with my friendships and relationships, it never happened. Even my friends have tried to help, but nothing has worked. ::sighs:: Hopefully, someday, I'll find what I want..or at least what I need...
2/8/01
What to do with my night, I mean. I've been growing jealous of a lot of things tonight. It's started with something simple, but I've blown it out of proportion as usual and my emotions came crashing down on me like a tidalwave, sending me in twenty different directions at the same time. And, as usual, it has to do with a guy.
This is why I hate the male sex. I have been in love once and that was when I finally knew what it was. I could never explain it to anyone who asked, but I was sure I knew what it was at that very moment. Two years later and I now have no idea again. It took two short years for my perception of love to be ruined. Everytime I began to trust someone, to care about them, they turned around and hurt me. I'm not just talking about guys now. This summer, someone hurt me so much that I couldn't stand it. Someone I loved and cared about very deeply, and whom I thought cared about me, too. It turns out she never did.
And so, my morality of love has been destroyed. I am slowly learning a new way to appreciate things and a new way of trusting. I hope it will work out for the better, though i have very little hope of it.
2/19/01
I can no longer live by the theory I had created so long ago (that theory being that "all guys suck"...just not in the literal sense). My theory has been changed. Maybe for the worse, but maybe for the better. It's actually very impartial.
Throughout my past relationships, I had been trying to convince myself that it has always been the guy who is wrong, and always him who has been the "bad" one. Now, as I look ont the relationship I am in, everything is becoming clear on that matter. It's been me. I have always been the one to screw it up, I have always been the one to hurt the other, and I have always been the one to fail. I have a great guy - he treats me with respect, he's loving, he's compassionate, and he is the perfect boyfriend for any lucky girl out there - yet I'm going to screw it up. I'm not sure whether I'm scared or not ready or maybe I don't deserve perfect, but I'm going to screw it up.
Throughout it all, however, I hope he never forgets that I still care.
2/26/01
It's amazing how one phone call can make people, isn't it? ::laughs:: Okay, Lemme explain what I mean. Everyone has those days where they're in this irreconcilable. you don't want anyone to go near you, you don't want anyone to touch you, and you basically want to void all human contact as much as possible. Face it, it happens. Though that wasn't really my mood the other day, I wasn't on top of the world or anything. I was somber, very placid. Y'konw why? Because my life is completely, entirely, 100% BORING. not everyday, but WAY too many of them for my liking.
So, it being my everyday ritual (and I do follow it without fail, which is kind of pathetic), I got online. On Sundays, it's my only contact with the outside world (my friends and I are just NOT phone people). i was actually talking to my best friend when this happened...actually, it was my sister...and my brother...or one of them anyways (by the way, I have a twin, a sister, a three brothers - only one of which who is actually related to me -, a best friend, and a "friend 'til the end"). So, basically, my life is revolved my siblings...thought they're not really siblings...never mind.
Back to what I was saying, when I was talking to two of my siblings online, I got a phone call. I knew it was coming, for he had told me beforehand, but still, i jumped when the damned thing rang. So, I picked it up and fed him one of my usual sarcastic lines. before I know it, we're talking away. I've nver been much of a person to talk to someone on the phone, especially a guy for that matter, but it happened and I couldn't have been happier. TWO HOURS LATER when we got off the phone (hehe), I called my sister and she started laughing at how happy and completely scatterbrained (found that word using the thesaurus - go me!!) I sounded. Then the call waiting sounds.
I pick it up and give the caller an extremely excited, over overjoyed "Hello!??!" Nonetheless, it scared my best friend shitless. He thought he had called the wrong house, which made me double over with laughter. Needless to say, both of them got a good laugh at me, yet I was laughing with them. The two said that they'd never seen/heard me so happy before. Something had to be up. they both knew about the phone call from "him," but it was only a phone call. No phone call had ever made me that happy.
And with that, I had to agree. no phone call HAD ever made me that happy. i konw I have my hopes up and they're probably oging to get dashed, but for now, i'd like to live in this little reveree I call life. Maybe someday it will be reality, but for now, i can only dream...
3/4/01
Life takes it's odd twists and turns. Spells cast themselves into the wind, light shines form the brightest star, and emotions take flight on their own. Throughout it all, there is not one thing that will change as long as I have the right person by my side. He hasn't moved since the day i met him and I have a feeling he'll be there until far pst the end. He walked into my life, he joined my life, and he's practically become my life. If I didn't have control, he grabbed on and took it himself and, with the help of one other, put it back together perfectly. I have to not only thank him, but love him for what he's done for me, to me...he knows who he is and he is truly my guardian angel.
4/25/01
The title kinda sums it up. It was only two days ago when someone told me that I'd lost almost half my diary. And, checking my website, the rumor turns true. Not only did I lose some invital pieces of work, but I lost a dedication to my cousin, whom died not even a month ao at age 15, and a dedication to my family, the Abington Guardos, for the competition that we lost. So, right now, I'm gonna summarize it my words to the guard because my words for my cousin in no way can be summed up.
Guardos, we are a family. This weekend, we learned that we need to be able to communicate and be togther in order to accomplish what we want to and CAN. Each of us has the talent to win chapters and Wildwood Championships and I bet you we can do it. We have to learn to work together because, whether it was in the back of your head or on the tip of your tongue, everyone had the feeling of "we're gonna win" this weekend and guess what We didn't. I'm not trying to accuse anyone of anything, but we have to learn to keep our heads high, but not too high. Out ont he floor, we have to have fun. don't just perform for the judges, but do it for yourself as well.
And then comes Amanda. She will always be a member of the guard and definately always be my sister. She is one of the best and, because of some difficult circumstances, she was forced to quit the color guard with only two competitions left in her senior year. Whatever happens, in chapters, in Wildwood, in my next two years, not only am I doing guard for myself, and not only am i doing it for the team, but I am doing it for Amanda. I love you!!
PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!!
6/6/01
I always knew I sucked at art and honestly, no matter how horrible I am at every other kind of art, letting go is the worst. I'm lost without my friends, and when I have four of the few most important people in my life leaving. The thing is, they're not going that far.
I don't have to let go. I'm not going to lose the guy I love, I'm not going to lose my "mother," I'm not losing my sister-in-law, and I'm certainly not losing the one girl whom I've inevitably been able to call a woman with no trouble. I'm just so afraid of change. So, I know what i'm afraid of at least. Change.
Dave, my love. I'm so proud of you for everything you've achieved, and still being able to take the incessant commands of the indoor guardos. I love you with all my heart and that, I am sure, will never change. Whatever happens in life, whatever twists it throws, I am here for you. Always.
Stace...damnit, what do I say about you? You ARE my mother. You've taught me many things in life, and have now even passed your title of Flag Lieutenant into my hands, but not the heart. Of that, I have my own. Together, I will use your strength and mine to make you proud of me.
Amanda, my sister-in-law...what can I say? It's been a trip, having to deal with so many guy problems together. I'm surprised we haven't blown a few fuses at this point, but no, we've stuck it out and we've almost come out as champions. You've helped me do that, and now I'm determined to help you. You will always be my sister-in-law and I'm sure one day, you'll actually be that by marriage.
Angel, my dear, what to say, what to say? You've done so much this year ::cough cough:: that you've spun me in circles. You are like my sister and, of course, you are at heart, just like Charity is my niece. I love you and I wish you the best, in whatever you choose to endure. You've taught me so many things, and have shaped me into the person that I am (whether that be a good or bad thing, we're not sure yet).
The four of you have been impecable this past year and I love all of you. Just remember that no matter whan happens in life or even in the afterworld, if must be, I am here for you and always will be. I refuse to lose contact and everything we've been through is already, and always will be, cherished. I love you.
7/4/01
Can you even BELIEVE that that's the title of a song?!? well, it is, and that's what I am...Bored, I mean. This is only my 3rd real day at Penn State University for the 3 1/2 week summer study program, and already I want to go HOME!! I hate it here. NO, I'm not homesick; NO, I don't have some sort of problem coping with a new environment. The problem is that this place is full of all, and only, complete JAPs and they do nothing but sit around a smoke with their Prada bags and Tiffany jewelry. Two words: THIS SUCKS.
My brother came here and ahd a wonderful time. DOING WHAT??? The only thing to do around here is go to town, but y'know what? THERE IS NO TOWN!! Just one street of stores/restaurant/Penn State pep clubber stores. And past that, there's FARM!!!!!!!! For 10 goddamned miles there is farmland!!!!!!! Will someone PLEASE put me out of my misery???
And it's not like I don't have a friend here. Allison's here. I did, however, come to a conclusion. If Dave, Dan, Josh, MB, and Christine were here (as a group) I'd be okay. Or, any of them alone would be cool, too. Or Lindsay. Or Danny. Or Rachel. Hell, even MY BROTHER would be a better substitute for this. I AM BORED. There is no campus life. If people aren't smoking, they're sitting in their rooms talking about who's fucked who and who's goten eaten out and who's given blow jobs. Last night, Allison told me her floor was taking polls on who's done what and she was the only one who hasn't done anything!!! Everyone else has at least claimed they've done everything.
I told my dad I wanted to come home early. I've been here for 3 goddamned days, meaning I have 3 WEEK left. Each day goes too slow. Not only does class (which I now look forward to b/c it gives me something to do) end at 2:50 (which I normally wouldn't complain about, but considering the circumstances...), but that gives me no time to get to the dance workshops which I really wanted to try, so therefore, I'm bored AGAIN.
If someone can get me out of this misery, please do.