The Journal Diary of a teen suicide

***Editors' note The Journal first appeared in print in 2044, consisting soley of the diary of Allen Bronte during the years 2004-2007 under the title "Dairy of a Teen Suicide". Over the next several decades Allen made numerous additions in response to reader requests which tends to make it confusing for some, it is necessary to pay close attention to the time frame, and to make matters worse, I have added a few bits of my own as part of our series "Great Men of the 21st Century", not only to honor a great man, but also as a personal tribute to my great-grandfather, who is still missed by many. The New York Times Magazine On Line -Editor James Stanislaw Martel-Bronte June 2100 In these pages I offer to you the diary I kept during the worst three years of my life. Only after four decades of slow painful healing, and with much help from Shane, am I able to share it with you. It is presented unedited; the atrocious spelling my bother you, but it is part of my story so please bear with me. Where I found it necessary to add current remarks, they are interspersed in italics... Though you may find this as painful as I, it is hoped that it will help you. Now I can summarize my story like this: In the darkest midnight, there is a star, look up. Sincerely yours, Allen M. Bronte

Please excuse me if I indulge my nostalgia by using the same journal format as I did so long ago... the pink margin guides, the blue rule, somehow comfort me with a sense of simpler, happier times, though belied by later events. August 2004. As the journal starts I had just turned 16; in some places that would have made me a man, but I was still very much a boy, having yet to plumb the unsuspected heights and depths possible to the human psyche. A very quick and painful way to reach maturity that was; being forced to confront the demons both within and without; suffering devastating defeat and joyous victory. We grew up in a small, isolated town in the midwest of America; there were no gay bars, no porn shops, no gay organizations that I was aware of in those years. Any information about homosexuality was simply not available but for the homophobic ranting occasionally seen on tv, and what kid watches that sort of thing? During the previous four years, I was increasingly experiencing a sense of self-doubt. When I noticed a particularily good looking boy, I told myself it was only natural to be jealous of those better than I: I was definitely in denial. More frequently as time went by, however, the other boys would concentrate their talk on girls; their physical attributes and fantasized encounters with them, and I found those feelings in me were directed to boys, so in spite of all attempts at denial I constantly wondered... The issue was quickly resolved in this first term as a midclassman. A computer on my birthday

Although this story is technically fiction, the events depicted are drawn from true life happenings, mine and others. The hate continues still. It must stop.