So, without further ado...here's
a handy table of contents. It's rather self-explanatory. Ah
crap, here we go. Do you see where the text is blue? And for
those of you who happen to be color blind, or are just plain stupid, we
went through the extra work of underlining them as well. Also, when
you move the cursor over them, it turns into a little hand. At this
time, not later or earlier, apply pressure to the left mouse button until
you hear a clicking sound, that is called "clicking." You should
apply this "clicking" technique every time you want to follow a link, you
clod.
News
Bill,
Welcome to the Senate Subcommittee
India,
Welcome to the Nuclear Club
Terrorists,
Welcome to Ireland
Consumers,
Welcome to the Future of Animal Testing
Swiss
Air, Welcome to the Ground
Features
You
Don't Know Jack
Kitrana's
Horoscopes
Ask
Doktor Pinko
Doktor
Pinko's Predictions
Reverse
Peristalsis
How
to reach the editors and authors of The Yummylishous Innard
Bill,
Welcome to the Senate Subcommittee
by Damion Justyx
Events have finally caught up with the Yummylishous Innard. The truth about Clinton has emerged, and what a truth. I think we can all agree that he is a player, and even more of a player than we ever suspected. He's pretty clever too.
But the simple truth is this. Bill Clinton has been a pretty pragmatic president. So pragmatic in fact, that the only pragmatic thing to do is forgive all his sins and crimes. My reasoning is quite simple really.
Bill Clinton is basically the best president ever. Better in fact than FDR, Reagan, Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln, and Adams. . . combined. He's so good in fact, that we should revoke any and all obstacles to his remaining in office. After all, can we really afford to allow anyone else to be elected?
Quite simply, no, we cannot. Furthermore, we, as the press should adopt a more lenient attitude toward Bill, and in a move of good will, not discuss, or allow to be discussed, anything bad about him. He's just doing too good a job to be allowed to leave for any reason whatsoever.
The second part of the truth that we have learned is that he functions better, and helps us all much more, when he is given unquestioned authority. Just look at how he has put down dangerous cults like the Branch Davidians, and kept us safe from those Godless Yugoslavians . . . way to use presidential orders. How do you think he got us to the great situation we're currently in? By issuing hundreds of executive orders of course.
The third part of what Kenn Starr has shown us, is that Bill functions
better when provided with an ample supply of women to satisfy his every
desire. Therefore I propose nationalizing women. Yes, nationalizing
them. If they were all at Bill's command, his job performance would
skyrocket. And then, when he tires of them, they can be discarded
like the toys they are. And isn't that what this is all about?
As long as Bill is doing his job well, everyone is happy . . . so why not
please him and the public, at the same time? Isn't it time we acted
like our communal, hippy forefathers and put aside our petty individual
desires, and did the moral thing for society? Personally, I'm sick
of your selfishness, and so is Bill. That means that, transitively,
the people are sick of it. And who are you to argue with the people?
Back
to Table of Contents
India,
Welcome to the Nuclear Clubby Damion
Justyx
As I am sure you are all well aware, India just finished its first
successful test of a nuclear weapon. Politicians throughout the western
world are terrified by this latest development, especially if Pakistan
decides to follow suit. I say, "It's about time!" I was getting
worried that those lousy Pakistani's would overwhelm my Indian lackeys.
I mean seriously, I've got over $100 invested in that stupid country, well,
in a bet with Samuel Shrike that is. He thinks that the Pakistanis
can win their measly little border dispute. So let me be the first
to welcome India into the Nuclear Club.
You probably haven't heard of this club, but that is because
most politicians deny knowledge of it's very existence. They are
just jealous because they are not members, unlike myself who became a member
by purchasing a small supply of warheads from the Ukranians upon the Soviet
Union's collapse.
So let me tell you a little bit about this club. Boy is
it great! They let you put your feet up on the furniture and you
don't need to lower your voice when talking to someone right next to you.
The best part, however, is the service.
All members are given a Phillipino upon arrival. What you
do with your little brown brother really is up to you, but using them as
your own personal man-child is usually frowned upon. Common usage
involves the fetching of drinks or even as a food taster. You shouldn't
worry about poison though, because if someone wanted you dead, they'd use
nukes for crying out loud! What do you think this is, the poison
club? No you dolt, it's the Nuclear Club! The poison club is
down the street.
I feel that it is my duty to warn you of the proper etiquette
of tipping at the Nuclear Club, not tipping is highly frowned upon.
Commonly accepted tips include, but are not limited to: "Boy, this
drink is really tasty, keep up the good work," or "I think that parting
your hair on the right side better compliments your brownish hue."
But at no costs are you to offer tips as to the better development of nuclear
technology. How stupid would you have to be to even consider doing
this?! Helping the savages to develop nukes? How do you think
that we can keep our little brown brothers as our little brown servants
if they are members of the club? Just remember, or keep telling yourself
this if you have a conscience, it really is for their own good, because
they just aren't ready for this technology.
Once you have ensured your little brown brother's loyalty, feel
free to relax, kick back, and join your fellow members in such gentlemanly
games as pin the tail on the little brown brother or smear the little brown
brother. But beware, Superman plays a pretty mean game of pin the
tail on the little brown brother. Some people think that it is due
to his acute sense of hearing, while others suggest that his x-ray vision
enables him to see through the blindfold, an accusation that Superman met
by melting the poor sucker with his laser vision.
If you ever find yourself caught in a game of smear the little
brown brother with the Incredible Hulk, I suggest offering compliments
and words of reassurance, since he loses all of his super powers when calmed
down. But should you do this and win, I wouldn't gloat or try to
rub it in his face, because when enraged, his powers come back in full,
namely the power to kick your ass or change the game to smear the little
brown you.
On second thought, the best part about the Nuclear Club is the
comraderie. Everyone is there for different reasons, some because
they possess a large nuclear arsenal, and others because they are a large
nuclear arsenal. The club, however, allows all of its card carrying
members to get together and best maintain the state of global peace...at
least that's what we are told to say because, honestly, do you think
that the United Nations would keep funding this great club if they found
out that we put all of the money towards nachos and hookers?
Back
to Table of Contents
Terrorists,
Welcome to Ireland by Samuel
Shrike
In Ireland recently, a militant faction blew up a
church. To us, the thought of that is horrid, especially when examined
with all of the black church burnings in the south. But to them,
it is another story altogether. Patrick O'Malley, whom sources confirm
is an Irishman, said, "Tis nae a problem, twas only one church."
Alleged Irishman Robert MacNamarah is reported to have said, "Wut the fook
are you talkin bout, I dinnae hear of any church bombing. You said
one church, right? Then get outta mah face you friggin lonnie, before
I give you a real news story." As you can see, one church being blown
up just does not matter to the Irish. I don't even see why I'm wasting
my time writing.
Back
to Table of Contents
Consumers,
Welcome to the Future of Animal Testing
by Samuel Shrike
Over the past twenty years, we here at the Yummylishous Innard
have heard a lot of criticisms pertaining to the use of animals as test
subjects. Quite frankly, if you are not outraged by this abuse of
innocent animals then maybe the Maybelline has gotten to your brain.
I mean we are talking about a serious injustice here. Not some low
level injustice like insulting a dead soldier. We are talking about
the level of jumping up and down on his grave, holding your phallus in
your hand while urinating on his headstone and expressing your desire for
carnal knowledge with his mother. You are one sick bastard.
Or maybe that's just me. We are talking about stealing gruel from
a poor starving orphan from one of those third world nations that UNICEF
doesn't even recognize. I would be a hypocrite for chastising you
for this action, because don't get me wrong, that is some pretty tasty
gruel.
Now don't mistake me for an animal rights activist here.
I'm not opposed to animal testing because it's cruel. In fact, I'm
all for cruelty. Just the other day, I injected my dog with morphine
and punted him around for a few hours. Wait, come to think of it,
I injected myself with morphine and the dog with heroin before punting
it around for a few hours. I feed the baby seals at the zoo, not
because they are hungry, but because it brings them within clubbing range.
And I force feed the starving guy on my street, not because he is hungry,
but because he is on a hunger strike.
I am opposed to animal testing for one simple reason, and that
reason alone...because it is cruel to me as a carnivore. I want my
meat supply to be plentiful and pure. None of that eye-liner shit
on my rabbit. If cosmetics made food taste better, don't you think
that people would season their food with lip stick and hair spray?
Well, I occasionally do, but that's because I use only the highest quality
cosmetics, none of that generic wholesale crap.
I mean seriously, do you have any idea how many parts from how many
different animals go into hot dogs? It's hard enough for me to eat
the hooves, genitals, brain, and sirloin that Oscar Meyer deems worthy
of my palate. I don't need those genitals to be crispified from the
electrodes that Johnson and Johnson get their jollies out of.
Why do you think that cattle farmers don't provide a high regiment
of exercise to their produce? Because I don't want meat that has
gone through any stress or strain what-so-ever. And what do you think
a little baby pork does when it is strapped down with an eyedropper flooding
its eyes with acetic acid? It writhes in pain and agony, but the
part that really chafes my ass is that it struggles so hard to break its
bonds that it strengthens its muscles, giving them a horrid stringy texture.
And the problem is more wide spread than you think...the little beefs and
baby muttons do that as well.
Hey, I'm not trying to tell you how to like your meat, well, actually
I am...try it with a nice marinade. I love my meat bathed in butter,
not some sick flavor of the week cooked up by the good ol' R&D over
at Dow Chemicals. I mean come on, they made Napalm for god's sake.
Back
to Table of Contents
Swiss
Air, Welcome to the Ground by Cyrus
Midian
As I'm sure you are all aware, a SwissAir airplane
flight recently crashed, and a lot of people died. I'm sure the first thing
that entered your mind was, "Doesn't this sound a lot like Pan Am 103,
which was bombed by those A-rabs a couple years back?" Or was it,
"Thank God for the Dred Scott decision."
The answer is, "yes." A lot of people did
die in Pan Am 103, which was bombed by those A-rabs a couple years back.
You might be asking, "What is your point?" or, "What
possible relevance do these two remarkably similar events have?"
Or, "Thank God for the Dred Scott decision."
Many people construe these acts as Libyan or Iranian
aggression towards the United States. Contrary to these beliefs,
though, neither Libya nor Iran has ever fostered hostile intentions towards
the U.S. In fact, Muhamar Quadhafi has been seen frequenting Hooters,
where the Ayatollah is known to work nights.
The evidence shows that these A-rabs actually hate
those damned Europeans and their Godless Muslim ways. Obviously,
A-rab terrorists are passing themselves off as German engineers with the
intent of building shoddy airplanes that explode in a somewhat bomb-like
fashion upon even the most minor collision with missile-like turbulence.
And what will we, the United States of America,
do to combat this anti-Europe conspiracy? Absolutely nothing, that's what.
Everyone knows that Europe has caused all of the Western World's major
problems for the past two millennia.
It's time they learned their lesson. In fact, we should continue to
bomb more planes headed for Europe, or better yet, just bomb Europe.
"Thank God for the Dred Scott decision."
Back
to Table of Contents
You
Don't Know Jack By Jack Shite
The Writer Inside Me
In the back of my dilapidated mind exists my evil twin. It is
a hideous monster, who is bent on ruling the world. In fact, it is so totally
evil, that it once killed a man in Las Vegas just to watch him die. I swear
to god, he's evil. Then again, can you blame such a noble soul as my goodly-challenged
twin? My Evil Twin, while evil, has never steered me wrong. Unfortunately,
I also have a writer inside of me, who tells me to do even worse stuff,
as you will soon see.
Now this "writer", stutters: so I have to write, in order for
me to understand what he is saying, and to keep my sanity. You try having
a voice repeat the same thing over and over in you head, just because you
don't understand him. He continuously talks day and night, which forces
me to write at god-awful hours like noon. He always tells me to do strange
things, like kiss my parents on the cheeks or say nice things to people
I don't even know. One day he told me to go and buy a puppy. Instead of
shaving it, or making it stay outside during winter, he told me to love,
cuddle, and be nice to it. I couldn't believe it! As you can see, my Writer
is far worse than my Evil Twin is.
One terrible day, I decided to let my writer out. This turned
out to be the worst possible event since the creation of the bubonic plague.
My Writer had the gall to write a terrible script called: "love me, love
yourself". It was a story about a man who fell in love with a woman, and
instead of dumping her, they lived happily ever after. How could my Writer
subject me to such pusillanimous dribble? People just don't fall in love
with each other; in fact, love doesn't exist. My evil twin told me so,
and he would never lie to me. He told me that he never lies.
Now it is an internal battle between my evil twin (who is nice
in actuality), and my writer. Luckily, for me, my evil twin kicks my writer's
ass, and everyone is happy. The rest of the world isn't quite so lucky,
though. Unfortunately for them, they still have evil writers who try to
spread messages of peace, love and friendship. This is especially perpetuated
with those overly evil, cutesy bands, like Hanson: who sing about having
fun at the beach, being faithful to your mate, and nice things. I once
said that Bill Gates was truly the most evil man in the world, but that
opinion has changed drastically. Today, I found out that Mr. Gates has
actually made a deal with Satan himself, so he must not be totally bad.
Once in a while, my writer manages to gain dominion over my evil
twin. These are the darkest days that I can think of. Imagine a force
of pure malevolence, that can create such whimsical tales about good people
triumphing over evil, being let loose to wreak havoc on an unsuspecting
populace. Think of the natural disaster that would occur. People would
stop thinking of themselves, and how they can one up their competition,
and start thinking about how they can be nicer to other people. They would
turn their attentions towards helping their fellow man instead of ignoring
him. We would all be much closer, nicer, and better people overall.
I for one am not having it!
From this day on, I will no longer be letting out my writer to
"enlighten" anybody else in this world. I will instead bring war, pestilence,
and animosity to a world bent on bettering itself. My evil twin, who I
shall now name Stillwell, will have total rule over my psyche. There will
no longer be a nice side to me, nor to humanity. I herald a new era, where
the evil will rule, and the good with die. So, in the immortal words of
Richard III, "And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover / To entertain
these fair well spoken days, / I am determined to play the villain / And
hate the idle pleasures of these days" (1.1.28-31). Except for the part
where Richard isn't made for playing sports, or being a lover, I will follow
this quote until the day I die.
Back
to Table of Contents
Kitrana's
Horoscopes by Kitrana
Aries March 21 - April 20
Act without thought and all your dreams will
come true. If you think before you act some of your dreams may come
to be, but you will also marry someone who will grow old and fat.
I suggest you marry for money.
Taurus April 21 - May 20
You feel an uncomfortable urgency. Try
the first door to your right. Be quick about everything you do. Taking
your time makes people impatient. Don't listen to your family members;
they are out to get you. If you were born at the end of the month
keep your head covered at night.... the poltergeist won't get you then.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Things may happen too fast for you to catch
without some assistance. A well organized team of some of your unsuspecting
or desperate friends to do your homework should solve things nicely.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Do not be patient in the face of obnoxiousness.
People who are obnoxious are a bane to everyone's existence. Try
to find some way to get rid of them for the general public good.
This goes double if they are someone's younger brother or sister.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Experiments are less daunting and more successful
in a comfortable
environment. In other words, wait until his/her parents are gone
and lock the door. Toys are fun, especially ones that make loud noises.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This may be the time to swing your ax and
let the chips fall where they may. But keep in mind if you get caught
this time the whole scandal might come out. So hide the bodies well,
and wear something you can burn afterwards.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Stay attached to keep a better grip on things.
No one likes crazy people, and if someone gets cranky you'll end up in
one of those neat white jackets. You are not good at basket weaving, avoid
it. If you can't avoid it be sure to use bright colors and sharp
scissors.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You may encounter a time of dealing with explosives.
Always remember to cut the BLUE wire. In case of no blue wire, just
wait. It's probably a dud.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You can give yourself a pleasant surprise
with a moment of spontaneous behavior. Be sure to have protection
with you and stay away from matches. Fires are not fun things when they
decide to get too spontaneous.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You could really use a rest. Desert
your friends and family and head for the country. Bring a Nintendo
or something. Live it up. When you get back everything will
be perfect. Really. I promise.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Others don't welcome your opinions. If you
think you have something special to say, think again. Chances are
nobody wants to hear it. If you keep to yourself and work hard you
may graduate high school someday. If you have graduated *applause*
keep working hard!! You can maybe make it to the manager of the local
fast food joint!!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You must give up all of your earthly
belongings to truly be happy. Preferably send a list of your belongings
to our email and we'll tell you where to send them. Otherwise just
throw them all in the nearest body of water.
Ask
Doktor Pinko by Doktor Pinko
Keeping Your Labor Healthy
Q: Dear Doktor Pinko, Because of my unique geographical location and moral viewpoint, my only source of labor is local poverty-stricken children. The problem with this source is that it comes to me in a weak and sickly state. How can I keep them from dying?
A:Dear Loyal Reader, Thank you for asking a very important question, one I'm sure many of my readers have asked before. It's also a rather difficult question to answer sometimes. Because of these children's unfortunate circumstances, they are stricken with a wide variety of problems. While lice may be the problem of children in one country, diphtheria may be the problem of children in another. Here are my tips for optimizing your workforce:
1. Oftentimes, the problems of your workforce is that they lack time to exercise, because of their rigorous work schedule. The best solution to this is to work them harder. The harder they work, the better shape they will be in.
2. Another common problem in the workforce is malnutrition. To prevent this, you must insure that your workforce gets the food it needs to stay healthy. Doing this while maintaining low costs can be a very difficult challenge indeed. The optimum method is to give them a mixture of gruel and hot-dogs, at least once a day if they are working a twelve hour day, or three times a day if they are working longer shifts. The hot-dogs contain many beneficial animal parts that are ussually ignored, such as the hooves, tails, and other assorted parts, not to mention the organs and lots of cartillege. Combined with the many high-energy, low-cost ingredients of gruel, you have a very cost-effective method of feeding your work force. To decrease downtime in production, I recommend feeding in shifts and optimally, using feed-bags and troughs where possible.
3. Finally, your work force may suffer from many treatable diseases. It seems silly to let them die from such silly illnesses, but vaccines and treatments can very costly. I recommend taking advantage of the Red Cross and other charities, as they provide free service generally speaking.
Good Luck keeping your work force lean and efficient.
Doktor
Pinko's Predictions by Doktor Pinko
Not too long ago, North Korea launched a missile. This wasn't surprising, really. We've known, or at least assumed that they had missiles for a while now. The really odd thing is that they launched it.....seemingly with a target in mind. This wasn't your typical third-world bottle rocket. This was more like an actual, semi-dangerous missile.....it went more than a few yards. In fact, it went even more than a few miles......this sucker went clear across JAPAN! It went from North Korea all the way across Japan!!!! That has got to be at least 100 miles! Given several decades of development, experts estimate that these missiles could damage the United States.
Even more startling to many people will be my predictions. First off, by the time North Korea's missiles can damage us, it will be a non-issue. This must be explained, obviously. To begin with, let's look at whom North Korea is threatening, Japan and the U.S., the last bastions of Capitalism. Who is North Korea not threatening? All of their Commie friends, namely the former Soviet Union, China, Cuba, and the European Union. Now the reason this will be a non-issue is that with the advent of wide-spread internet usage and anger about HMO's, the U.S. will rediscover its red roots, and I'm not talking about beets here.
We have already taken the first steps towards this noble system by suing entire industries in order to distribute their profits more fairly between us. The people have shown their displeasure with big business bastards in the cigarette and gun industry, and have decided to make up the financial losses they have suffered at these exploitive people's hands. Once the government collects on these lawsuits, they will have more money to redistribute to the people through social security and welfare, not based on greed, but on need, the only true moral worth striving for. Another step has been taken by instituting a welfare state, having an official minimum wage, and by adding more regulations to the production and trade of all things.
With more internet use, several things will happen. First, we add an entirely unexploited industry to the chopping block....E-Commerce. This can be taxed or sued as we wish. Second, we now have more access to people's private lives than ever before. By using file-sharing, not to mention government paid hackers, imagine how we can help the proletariat. The next steps of the government are obvious. So obvious in fact that only a product of reactionary conservative media such as yourself would not recognize them immediately. The fact of the matter is this: the conformity factories of the imperial pigs will have to be shut down. The government will accomplish this under the guise of keeping children safe from gangs. Then, instead, they will be sent to government facilities to continue their education in a manner more fitting of progressive socialists, thus allowing the future to be safe from greed. Next, the government will take over the news media, under the guise of keeping the press free . . . after all, they were trying to undermine confidence in the government...a form of treason...and in time of national emergency, or a clear and present danger to the U.S., the first amendment may be suspended. Next, the government will sue the computer industry for damages in the form of money it has lost due to deficiencies in their products. Whether or not they actually have lost anything will be irrelevant. The industry will settle, because it will cost less. Next, Auto-makers will be sued, followed by the steel industry, then the petroleum industry, and finally the furniture industry. By suing so many industries the government will institute a perpetual threat of being sued again. Essentially, this will cow all the industries of the United States into doing exactly as the government tells them. The next logical step is five year plans. With a fixed production schedule, the industries will feel safe that the government won't sue them. Obviously, the final step will be to openly amend the Constitution, seeing as it is a horribly outdated reflection of 19th Century greed, written and signed only by entrepreneurs of the time. This will make the conversion to communism complete. So thusly, North Korea will have no reason to attack us.
This of course, is our goal, and so there really is nothing more
to be done, except wait for the next threat to appear. Right now
I predict China, then Iraq again, and then Russia, then probably Brazil,
then Sudan(yeah, they're still mad about that factory we blasted to hell),
and then maybe Monaco, and finally California. If you really want
to know why I predict these countries to be hot-spots, e-mail me at DoktorPinko@hotmail.com.
Otherwise I have to go write some propaganda.....and I'm tired of talking
to you anyway. So in closing, since Japan has Godzilla, North Korea
doesn't stand a chance.....in short, place your bets on Japan kicking the
bejeezus out of North Korea.
Reverse
Peristalsis
"It's Scary. You guys scare me. When
does the next one come out?"
-Tommy K.
-Well, Well, Tommy....it was nice hearing
from you, and we appreciate your interest in the newsletter, but we really
don't try to frighten anyone, or at least that is what our attorneys have
told us to say regarding the alleged child-stalkings.
-Ed.
"I don't agree with your political views, but
your blue lightning pic is pretty cool."
-Garret via E-mail.
-We here at the Yummylishous Innard always
appreciate positive feedback, especially pertaining to our political views.
We are however, quite baffled as to your approval with our selection of
animated gifs. We all thought that they sucked. Why else would
we have changed them for the second issue? Because of your obvious
imbecility about our choices of pics, we aren't sure whether or not your
opinions of our articles are valid either....we find it most distressing.
-Ed.
Damion
Justyx
SamuelShrike
Jack
Shite
Kitrana
Cyrus
Midian
Doktor
Pinko
The
Editors in General
