So, without further ado...here's a handy table of contents. It's rather self-explanatory.
The
Olympics
Dealing
With Iraq
Organ
Donation
Clinton's
Scandals
American
Distribution of Wealth
Texas'
Death Penalty
You
Don't Know Jack(No...Not The Game)
Kitrana's
Horoscopes
Reverse
Peristalsis
How
to reach the editors and authors of The Yummylishous Innard
Olympicsby
Damion Justyx
Lets talk about the Olympics for a while, shall we? I like the Olympics and all, but do you ever think that they are a complete waste of time? I mean, where is the real competition? What do you really gain form winning a gold? A crappy piece of metal? Whoop de do...I think we have better ways to waste our time. Lets consider this for a second. Where is the fun in competeting in the Olympics? I propose something far more entertaining. We should improve the Olympics by adding a few events for one thing. Let's add The Special Olympics as a new event...need I say more? And how about spitting contests? That's enough intellectual stimulation to keep half of the world's populace entertained. What about projectile vomiting competitions? Wouldn't that make a fine addition to our already diverse athletic repertoire? How about computer gaming competitions...isn't watching other people play video games a lot more entertaining than doing it yourself?
"Enough already!" you say, "Surely you aren't serious." You couldn't be more wrong...I am completely serious. And guess what? I have more where that came from. It would really just amuse me infinitely to see more worthless people in the Olympics. Let's see more druggies, more crappy female hockey players, more people who haven't the foggiest idea what they're doing. "Why?" you ask. Here is the reason...what I'd like to see most in the Olympics is more skin...and not in the way you've been conditioned to think, though that could prove interesting as well. I'd like to see more skin removed, cleaved, burned, and generally mutilated. I'd like to see the Olympics return to their violent, horrible, sadistic origins. I'd like to see the losers die and the winners worshiped as Gods. I'd like to walk up to a stadium in which events are taking place and see a ring of fire, a pile of bodies, a blood moat, and steaks with heads on them. I'd like to see the Olymics turned into the death sports they were meant to be. This would also open the door for more cool events such as combat, and total war. If nothing else, wouldn't this be a mindless gore-fest in which people of all ages could revel? It may not be the best way to solve the Olympics abysmal popularity problems, but it might do something, and maybe it would appeal to the sick, twisted, evil side of all of us.
Now continuing with these trends of adding events and making everything as repulsive as possible, we can come up with some really neat combinations. How about a torture competition? The judges give each person a secret and see who divulges theirs first. Imagine this: Bob (from Canada) vs/ Steve (from the U.S.). Bob puts nails into Steve's hands in order to force Steve to tell his secret. Steve howls in agony and spits in Bob's eye, in obvious defiance of Bob's pathetic attempt at interrogation. Now it is Steve's turn. Steve takes a large piece of white phosphorus and puts it in a bathtub which Bob happens to be sitting in. Bob screams like a little girl for several minutes, and emerges from the bathtub with severe burns all over his body, but will not slip up yet. It is Bob's turn again. Bob puts Steve in the bathtub and puts electrodes in the water with him. Steve is obviously in great pain but actually bites his own tongue off in order to prevent the secret from slipping. After a brief break in which Steve stops the blood loss in his mouth, it is his turn again. Steve begins using a dull, rusty knife to tattoo a large red design all over Bob's more "sensitive" body parts. At this point Bob divulges his secret along with quite a bit of matter from both ends of his body...Bob doesn't feel well. Bob is cerimonially slaughtered, his body is thrown on a pile and his head is put on a steak, whereas the fans make graven images of Steve and worship him as their newest god.
This doesn't have to stop here. It can go on until we name every violent sport there is. How about hang-gliding duels? See how many weapons you can put on hang-gliders and how many people you can kill in no-holds barred combat. Or maybe street sweeper in which you must survive running through a city full of those who wish to kill you and survive? What about a fun game where you get to use unconventioal weapons creatively? Or possibly a competition to see who can cripple but not kill the most people? As you can clearly see, despite their current crappiness, the Olympics are chalked full of possiblities.
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Iraqby
Samuel Shrike
We are all cattle awaiting slaughter. Be it tomorrow or a month from now is irrelevant. We all see it coming yet we can do nothing about it. This is quite fitting, since after all, anthrax is a bacteria that most commonly affects cattle.
Every day, Saddam Hussein accumulates a larger supply of anthrax, which will eventually be unleashed upon the United States of America, and what will happen? Our bodies will pock and pustulate, riddled with infections that make acne look like beauty warts. What just is our government doing about this? Well, it sure is doing a good job of issuing empty threats.
The last time that the President ordered any hostile actions against Iraq was prior to the election. Since then, Saddam Hussein has been able to do whatever the hell he wants due to the fact that public opinion polls no longer mean anything to the President. He and Congress are too busy spending all of their time counting just how many secretaries he has slept with.
If our elected government officials don't care one iota about our currently pus-free bodies we must take matters into our own hands. We must rally together and use the powers of referendum, initiative, and recall, and if necessary, vigilantism. We cannot be satisfied until our government starts employing tactics that are worthy of the bully that the United States of America is.
For starters, we have to lay waste to all Iraqi national parks or monuments. Any location that gives them nationalistic pride must be leveled. It would be the equivalent of naping Yellowstone or filling the Grand Canyon with cement. Nothing major, just enough to annoy them profusely.
Instead of actually killing
anyone, we can flood their market with highly addictive yet potentially
dangerous products such as baby food laced with LSD. We could also drop
brick bombs randomly on low population cities. These measures are equivalent
to ripping the wings off of a pinned down fly. The beauty of nondevastating
revenge methods such as these is that it demoralizes the nation while preserving
a large portion of the population for work as human guinea pigs.
On a daily basis, the United
States government subjects innocent American soldiers to nuclear, biological,
and chemilogical experimentation. This is unacceptable, especially due
to the untapped human reserves in nations like Iraq and Korea.
If the Iraqis like anthrax so much, I'm sure they wouldn't mind subjecting a small percentage of their population to high importance scientific tests. These would include: What are the effects of anthrax on a man with one kidney?, or what are the effects of anthrax on an illiterate woman?, and of course, what are the effects of anthrax on a still developing fetus?
It is apparent to all of the
advantages of using our continually used power to kick the crap out of
a crippled and weakened nation. We exerted this wonderful ability in the
Philippines at the end of the 19th Century and look what it got us, a naval
base. Now we wouldn't be after economic pursuits, it would be for the pure
supremacist enjoyment that will come from subjugating an entire nation.
You might be asking, what
should we do with Saddam Hussein? Simple, we could make a Faces of Death
whatever the hell the number is, Saddam Hussein, in which we strip all
of the flesh off of his body and probe his sensitive muscle tissues with
rusty nails. We could then rip off his toe nails and burn the sensitive
skin beneath. We could remove his heart and replace it with a dead goat
heart and instead of closing up the wound, we could cut back his ribs and
cauterize the area so he can manually stimulate his dead goat heart for
the rest of his life. In fact, we could employ any of the tactics that
he employed upon American Prisoners of War during the Persian Gulf War,
but those would be too graphic to put in the video.
The reason that we haven't employed any of these measures yet is because the President is still trying to find the word anthrax in Webster's Basic Grammatical Dictionary. As soon as he does, he will realize that Iraq has threatened this nation with a biological weapon and not the middle section of an insect.
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Organ
Donation by Samuel Shrike
Every day, people die. Some
die in car crashes, others in freak accidents, but tragically, people die
daily of treatable medical conditions. We have progressed to the point
where we can transplant organs into individuals who would die without them.
Unfortunately, the lists of waiting recipients is too long, and there are
not nearly enough organs to go around.
The startling fact is that
our government is doing nothing to remedy this situation. Amazingly, there
are very simple solutions to this problem. In order to provide enough organs
for these individuals in need, we either have to increase the supply, or
decrease the number of people who need organ transplants. These tasks are
in fact easier than you think.
The first necessity is that
everyone upon death must donate their organs. Being dead, why do you need
them? Besides, upon death, you lose ownership of all possessions, including
your organs, so the choice is not yours.
This is only the beginning.
Even if every individual donates every usable organ upon death, there still
would not be enough to go around. This is why all crimes against society
must be considered capital crimes. If you put it in perspective, who would
be using the organs better, a convicted criminal or a victim of circumstance?
In order to preserve every organ, however, all executions must be by hanging
or beheading.
You may consider me a monster for these suggestions, but I think only of the unfortunate individuals strapped to heart and lung machines. They have difficulty performing basic functions, like breathing or eating. They deserve better than this. My barbarism is for their benefit. There are, of course, more moral methods of providing more organs.
The most pragmatic solution would be to set up organ breeding facilities, in which children are spawned and raised for the sole purpose of harvesting their organs. Being that they are created in test tubes, they do not fall under the protection of the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution, so there would be no problem with breeding babies and sacking their bodies for useful components.
A more experimental extension of this is that of subjecting the fertilized eggs to radiation. This will allow us to produce possibly two hearts or three livers per child. The advantages in a many hearted baby are immense. It requires less food overall to feed one baby with three hearts than three with one.
You may be wondering how it
is feasible to fund a program that requires such a large amount of money
to be invested in food or other nourishments. Simple, not all babies will
survive the strain of multiple livers or other organs. These mutants would
be either ground up or minced and turned into essentially a nutrient bath.
This nutrient bath is what the growing fetuses will draw their nourishment
from. Also, since only organs will be donated to the recipients, all waste
products from the baby, such as arms or legs, could be sacked and used
as a food source for the subjects. This process is self-sustaining. So
as you can see, there are moral methods for harvesting the quota of organs.
I will be the first to admit
it, it is quite possible that we will not fulfill the quota in a set year.
To be truly fair, we have to actually reduce the number of people on the
recipient list. You may consider education a viable solution, but it is
not.
First of all, the list should not be organized based upon need or even length of time of wait. Everyone applying for an organ must first take a standardized test, one that measures inherent self-worth. Those who can make a necessary contribution to society are placed near the top, those who can not near the bottom.
The necessity of this organizational method is rather simple. If someone on the top of the list is in desperate need of an organ and none are available, we examine the bottom of the list. Simply put, a person suffering heart problems may still have good kidneys or lungs. These can then be transferred to the individual who can use them better, because after all, standardized tests never lie.
Another method for bringing
organs to the market is to take advantage of the fact that all crimes are
capital crimes. In times of low quantities of organs, the government could
employ random speed limit generators, or other such ingenuities. Picture
this, you are driving at a nice rate of 45 mph, all of a sudden, you are
notified that the speed limit has been changed to 70. Upon reaching this
velocity, the random generator acts again, notifying you of the sudden
reduction to 25 mph. You get caught 45 mph over the speed limit and a grateful
emphysema patient receives your lungs. Such chaos will also ensure more
deaths due to traffic accidents, and hence, more organs for more victims.
The number of lives we will save on the recipient list is phenomenal.
The simplicity of this system
is what makes it so beautiful. I am sure that these solutions are quite
obvious, it was probably unnecessary for me to bring these to your attention.
If you are wondering how you can help to do your part, contact your representative,
tell them how you feel and suggest some of these measures. If we all work
together, these utopian ideals can become commonplace, and morality for
all will be benefited.
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Clinton's
Scandals by Samuel Shrike
As you are all well aware, President William Jefferson
Clinton has had an extramarital affair with every secretary beneath him.
This makes him completely unqualified to lead a nation, because after all,
one of the job requirements is virtual sainthood. In fact, no other President
in history has ever had illegitimate relations with a member of the opposite
sex.
Let's just examine the facts...Well, I can't think
of any, but there has to be some truth behind it all, because after all,
they are allegations. I could not think of anyone who would attempt to
dirty the name of a President, especially right before the State of the
Union Address, in which Presidential approval ratings go through the roof.
I may just be stupid, though. After all, haven't
we accepted spectral evidence in the past as worthy enough to meet the
burden of proof? I believe it was in a place called Salem Massachusetts,
with the reputable Salem Witch Trials. If it was enough back then to condemn
a person to their death, it should be enough now to discredit the most
powerful man in America.
I also have complete faith in the media. They have
never been known to make the facts fit the story, or exaggerate the slightest
detail. In fact, prior to the Spanish American War, the Spanish actually
were feeding Cubans to sharks.
As Americans, we need to be able to trust our head
of state completely, and what he does behind closed doors is all of our
business. In order to bring this respect back to the Oval Office, we need
to make a couple of changes.
First of all, every President must be castrated,
all forms of genitalia must be removed from their body. We need absolute
certainty of the sexual purity of the President. After all, a chaste President
is a productive President.
After this measure, we still have to worry about
sexual harrassment in the work place or alternative methods of sexual gratification.
That is why I propose that the President should be required to wear a straight
jacket and muzzle at all times, with the exception of when his job requires
otherwise. But dammit, he can still view pornography or imagine elaborate
sexual fantasies. In fact, how can we truly maintain the sanctity of the
Oval Office?
Fortunately, there is an answer to this awe-inspiring
question. As you sit here and read this column, scientists are in the process
of mapping the brain. Most basic emotional and physical sections of the
brain are already charted. It would not take much to place a computer in
the White House that monitors the President's cerebral functions. The instant
a sexual impulse is noted, the computer transmits a high frequency signal
to the receiver in the shock collar that the President will be equipped
with. And as long as we don't have an absolute pervert leading our country,
this should be enough of a deterrant.
In fact, why do we even need a human to occupy the
Presidency, we could computerize the government just like we have computerized
every other aspect of life. The beauty of this is that we would not be
removing power from the hands of the people. Instead of the two major political
parties being the Democrats and the Republicans, they would be the Microsofts
and the Apples. Every four years, these corporations would release another
pre-programmed candidate and the populace would cast their vote for which
program that they like better. It would also do wonders for the economy,
Pamela Anderson Lee would no longer be the largest buyer of silicon.
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Distribution
of Wealth in the United States by Damion Justyx
I want to talk to you today about a recent study that has come out in relation to our booming economy. Those who conducted this study seemed to think that when the economy gets better, so does wealth distribution. What they found startled them. They discovered that only 20% of the people control about 94% of the wealth...a fact the Democrats have been spewing for quite a while already. Somehow these people actually thought that when the economy improves, the working class' % of the wealth would go up. They seemed to ignore the fact that the employers' and owners' portions of the wealth would go up correspondingly.
Maybe I'm just misconstruing the idea the study tried
to convey. Maybe they were thinking that as the stock market improved,
so would the little people's grip on it. But they seemd to ignore the fact
that all the major stock-players are already in control of quite a bit
of money and are really, really good at stocks...they ignored the idea
that those who already are good at stocks will improve their wealth as
well. It seems to me that the all the study says is that nothing has changed
since the class distinction between have's and have-not's first appeared.
Excuse me for asking, but is it just me, or is this
completely irrelevant?!?!?!?!??! This seems to be yet another worthless
study and I'm praying that the government didn't fund it. What this does
demonstrate to me is that the rich haven't begun to abuse their position
of power enough yet. It really ought to be more like 5% of the people controllong
99% of the wealth. This is unacceptable. I envision a better future in
which all of us have been subjigated to do the rich's bidding. I mean,
it is their right isn't it? They have the money, the power, the resources,
and our pay-checks. Isn't it their responsibility to put us in our positions
of subservience? If they don't, aren't they slacking off?
Let's look at this objectively for a moment. Who
makes the world go round? The rich. Who makes the weapons with which we
kill? The rich. Who sells farmer's food at greatly inflated prices so that
I don't starve? The rich. Who becomes so power-hungry that they can become
cartoonish super-villians? The rich of course. Who distributes the "music"
that we can deafen and brainwash ourselves with? The rich. Who makes the
ever-unreliable computer that you are using right now? The rich. Who puts
up T-3 connections that are far more expensive than you can ever afford?
The rich. Who controls the petty amounts of money you do have or plan to
have? The rich! So you see that we really owe the rich quite a bit. Without
them we would be nothing. This is why I say that we must select a few trustworthy
rich people and give them all our money, in order to bring this ratio closer
to it's goal...5%people-99%wealth.
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Texas'
Death Penalty by Damion Justyx
I've been giving a lot of thought to this controversy
about Texas' Death Penalty, as many of you probably have been as well.
The only reason I even bring something this controversial up is my curiosity.
I mean, why is this a controversy? I guess I'm just a flaming liberal,
and a women's libber, but this is GOOD. Women have harrassed our society
for far too long about equal rights, and I for one am sick of it. Women
have every right to go out and die for our country, for their crimes, and
whatever else they want to do, though for the life of me I can't even figure
out why anyone would want to die at all.
Now, to bring this back to the Death Penalty, I
have got to say that this is really the best thing that could happen for
women everywhere, not to mention men. But maybe it isn't going far enough...to
truly attain equality, doesn't there have to be a perfect balance? So if
this is true, then shouldn't we kill one female for every male that is
excecuted and vice-verse? I think so. Besides, this is the ultimate in
crime deterrent. Not only will criminals fear death, but so will other
people, so they will inevitably try to stop other people from commiting
crimes in order to avoid dying.
Now consider the possiblities if every crime was
punishable by death. That would indeed create a very tense, but civil society.
Besides, when crimes are commited, we simply lose some more worthless people
from this planet. Big Deal...actually, let's consider that for a moment.
What if we simply took the Roman idea of Decimation...killing 1/10 of the
people randomly? What better use is there for Texas anyway? All they ever
do is excecute people, which makes them the perfect example for the rest
of the American people. What are they thinking anyway? Liberty is irrelevant
to everything...happiness can only truly be attained when a heavy-handed,
totalitarian government with jack-booted thugs deems you worthy enough
to gain it. It is the American government's right, nay, it's duty to interfere
with absolutely everything that happens in this world...what else is it
there for? What is Texas thinking wanting to kill criminals who brutally
murder innocents for no good reason? It is time for us to lay down the
law on that rebellious state...the swine think they can do anything without
the federal government's approval? Well, we'll certainly show them what
the constitution says about State government.
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You
Don't Know Jack(no...not the game)
By Jack Shite
When is stupidity the answer
This morning I went and asked a kid why the hell he was peeing on the wall. He answered by laughing and walking away. I distinctly heard the phrase shi...well I guess I can't put that in my column. I saw another kid who walked into my class, sit down, and start talking to a girl. After a while the teacher walked up to him and said, "Is this your study hall?". The kid promptly answered "no".
She then told him to leave? After a five minute triad,
where he called her some interesting profanities, he relented and left.
Then all of the kids in the class started to make fun of the teacher and
make some obscene gestures.
Now what am I getting at? I'm trying to say that
people are stupid. I can understand when a person does something for the
stupidity of it all, such as rolling around naked in the snow, but when
it comes to a gross desecration of public property or stupid reprisals
then it isn't harmless anymore. It is just plain ridiculous.
Why do we shamelessly desecrate things for the pure
experience. I see the normal everyday shoplifting, spray painting, toilet
papering, drug abusing, longed haired, overly stupid, illiterate, class
cutting, alcohol chugging, dog abusing, church hating, parent yelling,
swearing, horny teenage adolescent (and I use this word in the loosest
sense) human, and my respect for my generation just goes down the tubes.
It could help if at least some of my age group were semi intelligent, but
that isn't going to happen.
So why do we do stupid, asinine things that hurt
other people? Why? My answer is very simple. Because until we reach an
age when we only care about those damn kids who keep walking on our lawn,
then we will always do bonehead things for no apparent reason. Even when
we try to stop we can't. What we can do is make sure we ridicule those
people that do stupid things. Other than that all I can say is that my
swimsuit is on, and it's snowing outside.
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Kitrana's
Horoscopes by Kitrana
Aries (March 21 - April 19):Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz? Good, good, then you understand tornados... What? You don't live in tornado country? Makes no difference child, the stars say you will experience a tornado so you will... I suggest stocking up your basement with tomato paste. You don't have a basement? Well it was nice knowing you then.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): You have a very strong connection with that car... as long as it's not yellow. If you have a strong connection with a yellow taurus you will die tomorrow.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Remember that old show American Gladiators? Wasn't on of the gladiators named Gemini? He's hunting you know and when he finds you he's going to beat you bloody w/that big cue-tip. Lucky Days: 2nd, 21st, 88th
Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Hrm... What can I say about you guys? You're sign's name is unlucky. If it makes you feel better you won't die of cancer. Well maybe not. Unlucky days-> July 23 thru June 20. I suggest not leaving the house during those days.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): Luck days:tommorrow and yesterday. Go swimming too much and you will develope gills. If you ask your boss for a raise soon you might get it, no promises though.
Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22): Beware, your cat is going to develope chicken pox. On the bright side though you have so many lucky days i'm not listing them all. Good luck finding them!
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): You will have much free time (temps libra) but spend it wisely. If you go gambling you will loose money. Yesterday was your lucky day, next time read your horoscope first!
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): Your allergies will act up this month. Kill your mother and it will help. Give your friends puppies. Make friends with a virgo. Lucky days: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 of Feb.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): You must get online service, and it must be AOL. If you do this immediately AOL will only crash on you every 20 mins! Hurry before your stars get out of whack again.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): How can you have your pudding if you don't eat your meat!?! Fully embrace the fact that humans are the largest untapped food source on earth. Don't drink milk. Go snowmobiling in the summer. Your lucky day is December 24, send notes to Kitrana@aol.com.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): It is all good w/you ppl. Obviously water is your element so drink lots and lots and lots, but don't get caught. Solid things are bad, so eat your meat as bloody as possible. If you look into the stars and can find your constilation you will live longer. Good luck.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20): *snort* no
comment
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Reverse
Peristalsis
Dear Yummylishous Innard,
I
was just wondering, do you people have any sense of common morals, anydecency
or inhibitions with regards to what you publish?
-Sara via e-mail-
Dear Sara,
We here at the Yummylishous Innard are thoroughly baffled by your letter
to us. We are not sure what you
are trying to say and would like it if the next time
you have a complaint about our newsletter, you would express it in a mannerin
which it is comprehensible to everyone. Your letter was somewhat
enigmatic and it seems to us that we
have shown a great deal of restraint andself-discipline in everything we
have published so far.
-Damion Justyx and Samuel Shrike-
Dear Yummylishous Innard,
I
just wanted to tell you that your newsletter makes me want to retch.
It is the most vile and disgusting drivel
I have ever read. It honestly makes me want to
empty my stomach contents onto your shoes. Please discontinue yournewsletter
immediately. -Bob via e-mail-
Dear Bob,
We here at the Yummylishous Innard greatly appreciate your constructivecriticism.
We are always very careful in our article selection to make surethat no
people will be offended by them. We see only one problem with your
e-mail. Your name is Bob. We despise people
named Bob i.e. Bob Villa, Bob Dole, and
Bob Hope. At this moment, we are currently debating a Bob-bashing
article in the next issue.
We are considering such titles as Bobbing for Intelligence,Desperately
Bobbing for One Good Person Named Bob, or Brutally Killing PeopleNamed
Bob 101. In fact, given your name, we are wondering if you actually
meantany of your constructive comments or if you are just trying to hurt
us withbiting sarcasm.
-Damion Justyx and Samuel Shrike-
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How
To Reach US