Here are some of my complaints about computer hardware (these complaints map to a lot of goods, especially consumer electronics, so extrapolate as you see fit).

• Poorly labeled parts and ports. Tiny labels, poorly and eccentrically oriented, with no contrast, on offset or sunken surfaces are the norm on the outside of PCs, when they should be the exception. (Worse, the family VCR has labels that are -- no joke -- black on black and less than 1/8 of an inch tall.) This is just on the outside of the computer, the place where even folks afraid to open their cases are expected to plug things. Worse by far is the labelling on the inside of the case.

  For instance, at a show I attended and helped set up in August 2000, there were several machines for which it was necessary to clear the password in the BIOS. This required taking out the cables (of course) then taking the case off the computer (see below) and moving a small jumper (with pliers, since my bluntskull fingers aren't up to it) from one set of pins to another, reconnecting the peripheral and power cables, restarting the machine, clearing the password, powering down, (don't forget taking off the cables ... again) replacing the jumper in its regular position, replacing the case, and connecting all the wires. Again. Nowhere is this jumper labeled, at least nowhere comprehensible to me. Of several experienced computer people present, only one knew where the jumper was and that it would clear the BIOS, and we all worked for the hardware manufacturer, at least indirectly. The PCB of a typical motherboard is covered with marks which may be useful in manufacturing but which constitute noise to the average user, because they hide the few useful bits on the board. Most of the ports are labelled either not at all or so obscurely that they might as well be unlabeled.

  (One solution, and something I advocate generally as well for any complex product, is to store at least the most important documentation in ROM on the motherboard itself, say a PDF of the important jumper locations. Some sort of "Hey, tell me what you know!" command triggered by a connected device, for instance a laptop, could transfer at least that to the puzzled humans.)

• Poor documentation. Apple has probably the best documentation of any mainstream hardware manufacturer, though many companies (Dell, Compaq, IBM) have tried to follow their lead, and have been dragged by the nose by companies like Microsoft to even color code their labels and ports. I often don't agree with Microsoft's design decisions, but at least they're trying and getting some things right. Most other manufacturers have documentation written from the point of view of an experienced user (wrong primary audience! Experienced users will always have other channels of support, it's the naive and foolish out here to guide!), or attempt to address the needs of new users but do so in a way that discourages them. We're still talking about the "good" manufacturers here. -- the name brands people pay a premium for. When it comes to the no-name components, forget it. Most of them are written in something that is neither English, nor Spanish, nor Chinese, but a mostly impossible collection of words which appear to have been translated and mistranslated multiple times by listless, malicious robots.

• Horrible connections. I've already mentioned the poor labeling which makes the back of a computer a nightmare to those who don't know instinctively not only what a PS/2 port looks like, but which of two identical holes gets the cable for the keyboard and which gets the cable for the mouse. (I concede that USB ports are --slightly -- better). Beyond the labeling, there are the ports themselves, which are near-universally lousy both for their placement and design.
  • Placement, first. Most computer cases of both the "desktop" or "tower" varieties feature ports in just about the worst possible place: namely, flat against the rear panel, squeezed into a relatively small part of that surface. This is bad for several reasons. First, because as some ports are filled, others become obscured and difficult to reach. Next, because it means that in order to not squash the connectors, the computer must sit at least a few inches forward of any wall or barrier behind it. Third, since many computers end up pushed as far to the rear or side as possible to save desk space, the entire computer must be rotated (or more often, achingly semi-rotated) in order to access even a single port. The otherwise horrible Compaq designs which feature a front mounted USB port win my grudging respect for at least that one obvious thing. Sony does a slightly better job of it on some of their overpriced machines by also featuring a FireWire connection on the front, more recently some low-end makers like eMachines have put ports there as well. Finally (or perhaps not finally, but it's too depressing to go on), placing connections all on the rear means that even devices which operate in front of the monitor have connections draping awkwardly around and behind it to reach their ports. Think keyboards, mice, external devices.

    Here's my answer to that, though it would require some clever engineering: truncate the rear of the case (imagine a line drawn 5 inches down from the top edge of the case's rear meeting one drawn across top panel 5 inches from the rear. That would give a nice surface (35 square inches) much more easily accessable from nearly any angle.

    (Ironically, the squashed-together ports and doodads on laptops are actually better in this regard, just because a laptop is generally used directly in front of the user, and can be easily turned around or tilted to any angle for easy inspection / reading of ports and placement of cables.

  • Design. Too many ports are too similar, not only to other ports, but to translations or reflections of themselves. Trying to plug a PS/2 cable into a PS/2 port in a dark room (or into a partly-connected computer under a desk) is ridiculous. Finding a light source to tell where the pins are, then trying to maintain the orientation as you determine which side has that little thicker hole to match the little thicker pin is anything but fun. Some cables are textured with a flat stripe, or (my favorite) a few little dots, but the stripe and dots are not joined in most cases by a matching indicator on the case. And so they are useless. No -- worse than useless, because they're almost helpful, and so shout out their idiocy.

    Whoever thought of a round computer port should be tied up with CAT-5 cable, anyhow. What shape is the most ambiguous possible when 2 planes need to be well-aligned? It's not the square, the hexagon or the triangle: it's the circle! Round! Perfect match at all angles, including all the wrong ones! Round is bad here! No round! And most of the possble angles are wrong. Serial cables are slightly (only slightly) better in the matter of shape, since they at least have a narrow side and a wide side. Even so, the difference is suprisingly tough to ascertain and match with cable end when the port is not in full view in good light. USB ports are a bit better, but those two can be confusing when not in good sight, because an upside down usb cable end is still very close to the right size, but will not fit on until inverted.

• Awkward case design. I'll start with one design which is less horrible: the Apple G3/G4 case. These machines have large swinging doors, and intelligently assembled componenets. I still managed to cut my finger in installing a Zip drive into one, but on the scale of horrible to merely bad, there are so close to merely bad that I praise them effusively. Besides the relatively good access to the componentry, when closed these cases have handles to effect easy carrying. The handles are more pretty than comfortable, but I'll take that over having no handles at all. At least some thought went into the creation of those handles.

  Beyond that G3 / G4 case (proprietary to Apple and not OEMed for PCs, though I wish someone would risk a worthier lawsuit than for taste-alike iMac rip-offs), most computer cases are awful. The most you can say is that externally they do a mostly adequate job of hiding the componenets from sensitive eyes. Instead, they substitute for what could at least be an interesting view of the componenets a bland beige, grey, white or black box adorned with useless trim, function-destryong curves, chintzy bevels and nothing whatsoever to recommend them. As noted, they place the ports on the rear of the case, even when it would be feasible to place them to the side, to the top, to the front, or (heck, be crazy!) anywhere at all with a breakout box (the best solution). What I'd like is a breakout box which attaches to the PC in the same manner that a "docking station" attaches to many notebook commputers.

• The guts, if anything, are worse in typical computers than the outside would hint. In fact, getting to the guts is a painful chore. Cases held together with philips head screws? Lunacy. All external connectors on devices not installed in prisons, mental wards or kindergartens should be manipulable by unaided, human-sized hands. That means thumbscrews, toggles, sliding bolts -- whatever it takes to get rid of the need for obnoxious and easily stripped screwheads. The rise in popularity of panel-sided cases is at least a good sign.

  The insides of even otherwise passable cases (that is, ones with little chintz, no outlandish bevel and with panels that are removeable without swearing) usually are plenty to make up for any good the outside may have done. The placement of drives within a case usually involves fits that are too tight for comfort, and plugging in power-supply cables which not only take far more effort than they ought to be seated properly, but which soon wrap themselves (along with the associated data cables) into a Gordian knot no sane person can view without itching for a nice broadsword. Often, these cables bareley reach their destination (from power supply to power socket, or between a drive and its associated slot on the motherboard) even when unhindered. Start adding them together, though, and a logic puzzle of the same breed as "can you fit a penny on this table?" manifests itself. The answer is Maybe -- if you pay special attention to the order you connect things (esp. since data cable access is often blocked for all but a surgeon's hand once you plug in power cables to a drive) and ignore those little creaks and groans of bending metal. I hope you remembered to put in all your memory. Also, you might want to check the poorly written manual to find out which banks you can put that memory in, anyhow.

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