Hi guys! Welcome to my excellent crap report reviews page!! On this page I have written some excellent reviews of crap reports. That's because I'm excellent!!! Bye!!!!
(The reviews are presented in the order I read the reviewed reports, which is generally the order they appear on the news page, not the order in which the events reported on happened.)
[20:02pm] Spanner squashed Clouseau (Liwei Deng)
Spanner reports: Liwei Deng is down; two minutes after the game commences the target is gone. Death by boulder... well in the form of an inflatable pumpkin anyway!
A ha! A ha ha ha! Yes--yes--Death by boulder... well in the form of an inflatable pumpkin anyway! My god man! You're a fucking comic genius!! Just imagine that -- he was KILLED by a boulder, but REALLY it was just an INFLATABLE PUMPKIN!!!11 Talk about irony!!!!!!!!!!!1111
And kudos for the psesuudusdoynm as well! Spanner!! LOL! Maybe that's because you "FIX THINGS"! BECAUSE YOUR AN ASASSIN! LOL!!!
Deadeye reports:
Deadeye would like to anounce the elimination of target number 1, Jocy Williams. The dastardly deed was done during a meal at Pizza Express at 9pm precisely on Friday October 18th. The victim was brutally murdered with a knife by stabbing in the back and slitting of the throat. The blood flowed and mingled with the wine as the assassin stoleaway into the night to locate target number two...
Nice one Deadeye! The 'elimination' of 'target number 1'. Fuck me! You're so down with the pro assassin jibba-jabba! But the incredible reporting skill doesn't stop there! Oh no!! Take a look at these COMPLETELY NON-CLICHED PHRASES THAT HAVEN'T BEEN USED BY APPROXIMATELY EVERYONE TO EVER SUBMIT AN ASSASSIN'S REPORT EVER:
Arvicola Terrestris reports:
"My nose whiffled. I could feel the season change, and knew that autumn was once more upon us. I sniffed again - blood was in the air. Ancient, uncontrollable instincts awakened, even in me, the humblest of herbivores - I had to kill. I was visiting that night, and the urge overcame me again. But I could not kill my host there - it would be impolite. After I had taken my leave, however, surely etiquette did not constrain so much. So I contrived, and I planned silently, whiffling all the while. I decided that I should create some pretext for returning after I had departed, so I did. Upon my return to "collect" what I had "forgotten", my host kindly opened the door. As he turned away, I slid my claws - never before used for such a task - into his back. My bloodlust satisfied, I collect my belongings and left."
Well, what do we have here? That's right: another incredible masterpiece of style and originality!! If there's one thing more exciting and interesting than pretending to be an assassin for your assassin's reports, it's pretending to be some sort of hideous anthropomorphic aminal -- and Arvicola Terrestris has sure got my blood racing with this report! Blah blah seasons change. Blah blah upon us. Blah blah blood in the air, ancient, instincts, awakened, I'm a humble herbivore (READ: VEGETARIAN FURRY).
Look, buster. I'm sure it's nice that you're a furry, but do your private habits really need to spill over into your reporting? You've obviously got so much talent that it's a shame to let it go to waste!! Blah blah my host kindly opened the door. Yeah, great. How fucking original. 90% of reports in which the target opens the door have are reported as "my host graciously opened the door". It's not dramatising. It's putting extra tedious words in your already tedious report to make it seem like you're a witty, a-ha-ha-ha debonair assassin furry. A ha ha ha etiquette!! A ha ha ha claws! A ha ha ha pretext departed forgotten kindly satisfied belongings impolite contrived whiffling!!
[11:25am]The Milky Bar Goat reports:
Returning from a shopping trip (buying some lovely bread for my lunch), I noticed a rather obvious, huge, colourful bomb on my door. Using my cunning skills, I ignored it because I noticed the detonator had fallen off. When I left two minutes later to go to see my friend, it had gone! I wonder who it could have been?
Your "cunning skills"?! LOL!!!1 Next you'll be using your "trusty cap gun"!!!!!!11
Orion reports:
On the off chance that my target would be in, I wondered round to her staircase. Climbing carefully to avoid being heard, I heard footsteps behind me, so I quickly hid in her bathroom. When the person opened the nearest door to me, I could see that this wasn't my target, but the door of my target was wide open. Seizing the opportunity, I went in and knifed my victim to death, leaving her friend to wipe up the bloodstains.
What I'm sure was a thrilling non-stop rollercoaster ride of adventure for you, Orion, sadly translates to a ho-hum, shut-the-fuck-up wheely bin trundle of disappointment when retold, especially since NEARLY EVERY REPORT EVER SUBMITTED IS IN THIS EXACT STYLE AND HAS THESE EXACT EVENTS OCCURRING. Bloodstains?!! LOL! At least it wasn't the bedders who hilariously had to clean up!!
Blank reports:
Blank here reporting my first kill. Heeran Buhecha meet with an untimely demise this afternoon at around 14:00-15:00. Having gone to Trinity Hall, i was stopped by the porter who asked if he could help me. After showing him some i.d. he kindly pointed me in the right direction. I slogged my way up to the top of the staircase and located my target's room. to my surprise, the door was open and my target in. I ducked round a corner to check to make sure I got her name right. when I came back round, i found Miss Buhecha and two friends leaving the room. I said "hi, i'm looking for heeran?" to which she raised her hand and smiled sweetly, a smile which was quickly replaced with horror as she realised who I was as I drew my weapon. She didn't make it to her door however and recieved four rubber bands to the back for her trouble. All in all, she took her death very calmly and with a smile.
Great report, Blank!! I especially like your use of the following phrases, which are possibly the most thrilling, non-overused phrases I have ever read in the description of an assassination:
Sergeant Pepper reports:
Just to let you know I was unceremoniuosly killed today by gunshot to the head by someone calling himself James, with an American accent. I'm sure his report will tell you more.
Nice pseudonym, Sergeant Pepper! Where the fuck did you come up with that one? SERGEANT PEPPER?!?! That is so zany I almost used an upside-down question mark!!!1 Your real crime, though, was your use of the FORBIDDEN WORD "unceremoniously" (which you spelt wrong). Do you know how many times I have seen "assassins" describe their death with the word "unceremoniously"? Nor do I, but the number is EXTREMELY FUCKING LARGE. THINK OF A NEW WORD TO USE WHEN DESCRIBING YOUR DEATH. OF COURSE IT'S UNCEREMONIOUS. THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S AN ASSASSINATION AND NOT SOME SORT OF CEREMONY-FILLED RITUAL KILLING. Thanks for your time!!
Adroit reports:
1720 hrs - After avoiding schoolwork for an entire afternoon, I had worked up a hardy appetite, but found to my horror that there were 40 minutes left until the canteen opened. I decided that I could use some action as an aperitif OF MAYHEM!!! (insert comedic drum sting or spooky spy music here, your choice).
1725 hrs - Arrived at Queens College, outside the room of designated target. Upon knocking on the door, there was no response. Due to the lack of a light on in the room, I was not surprised. I sneaked over to the bench in the suite to wait for the target to return.
1729 hrs - It dawned on me that waiting for the target involves patience, which I do not possess in the slightest.
1731 hrs - I looked at my watch, sighed.... Shuffled my feet a bit.
1732 hrs - Only one damn minute has passed! No way in hell!!! You've got to be kidding me!
1735 hrs - Decide to use the loo.
1736 hrs - Target and a suitemate enter the door, just as I am leaving the loo. I introduce myself, as I do not recognize them, and they introduce themselves to me. I leave the suite quickly, unholster my gun, then step back in to speak to Tom. Leaving the talking to my trusty rubber-band gun, a decisive argument is made with a hit to the head. Upon informing him that he is, in fact, dead, I left the college for the safety, warmth, and food of Emma.
Congratulations, chumpwad! You have the great honour of being the first person this term (but, no doubt, not the last) to describe their weapon with the word "trusty"!! Nice one!! Wait -- wait -- I'm about to collapse into unstoppable laughter because it's SO INCREDIBLY FUCKING IRONIC THAT A RUBBER BAND GUN, WHICH IS IN FACT NOT A LETHAL WEAPON, WOULD BE DESCRIBED WITH THE WORD "TRUSTY", WHICH IS TRADITIONALLY APPLIED TO LETHAL WEAPONS SUCH AS REAL GUNS!! And it's doubly hilarious because YOU'RE PLAYING THE ROLE OF AN ASSASSIN, WHO WOULD INDEED USE A LETHAL WEAPON THAT MIGHT BE CONSIDERED TRUSTY!! HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! HELP I CAN'T STOP FUCKING LAUGHING BECAUSE YOUR RUBBER-BAND GUN IS TRUSTY!!!
HAAA HAAA HAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, your report is exceedingly dull and pointless. Next time when you're considering what to write, why not consider only relating events which are unusual or in some way of interest?
[22:08pm] Sdavros assassinated Triniti (Francine Ihenacho)
Sdavros reports:
At 22:08 on Friday night, Sdavros stabbed Francine Ihenacho in the abdomen to claim his first kill of the game. After the target foolishly identified herself to her assassin, Sdavros drew out his weapon and brutally murdered her, in her own room....
Do you see what you've done there? You've used the phrase "brutally murdered" RIGHT AFTER THAT OTHER CNUT JUST USED IT. Drew out weapon, blah blah, foolishly identified, blah blah. Great work asswagon!
