No excuses...


09-29-03 5:34pm

~Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?~

I think I'm stepping over the "somewhat interested" line. Just talked to Laurie not too long ago. She suggested that I invite Jeff over for a bbq at her place tonight. So I left him a voicemessage. I think I should beat my head up against a blunt object. Maybe beat a blunt object up against my head. I'm permanently retarded anyhow. It really wouldn't matter much. On the plus side...Mraz is doing half time on Monday night football tonight. Of course that's always something to be excited about. Whether or not I get a call back from Jeff. I have this feeling he's going to call and tell me to lay off. We hung out last night. He's a busy guy. A busy guy who already has a ton of friends and chicks all over his jock. So what's so great about me? Ugh. Hey, I'll always have James Dean.



I would have been happy to sit at home with my nose in a book. But Laurie is my advisor. And I have to do what she says. It feels like a scene straight out of the plot of this old movie with Steve Martin. Nobody will know what the hell I'm talking about but the movie is called Roxanne. It's based on a french play called Cyrano De Bergerac. Which is kind of a true story I've read. I'll explain. In the movie, this guy (the Christian of the movie) is trying to hook this girl (Roxanne) and so he uses Steve Martin's character (Cyrano), who's really smooth with words but not so asthetically pleasing, to talk to her. Ya...Laurie is my Cyrano. She's definately doesn't resemble him. Considering the fact that her nose is quite normal. I am the love stricken, attractive but not glib Christian and Jeff is my Roxanne. I might as well talk in code because I'm sure no one will understand what I'm trying to convey.

~It's [guys] like you that make me think I'm better off home on a Saturday night with all my doors locked up tight. I won't be thinkin' about you baby...~

I'm just a sucker. I'm not smooth with guys. I've said this before. So Laurie is trying to help me out. It's just not as easy as it seems. It's almost to the point where I need a wire and an earphone so she can feed me the right words to say. Shit I'm a loser. So...it's off to Laurie's once again.

9:20pm

So we convinced him to come over for food. I don't know...As I always do, I'm reading into things a little too much. I thought I had a friggin' revalation last night but...in my constant strive for acceptance from the opposite sex...I can't quite put my finger on whether or not he likes me. I mean...yes, he came over tonight. He's taken the time to hang out with me on both his turf and mine. Which could mean anything really. Maybe he's attracted too. Maybe he just has nothing better to do. But it's that laid back attitude that throws me off. As he was leaving tonight, I wanted to attack him. But I just can't...not without...some sort of idea of whether or not the feeling is mutual. So damn. This is getting a bit obnoxious eh? Ya, so I told Laurie after he left that the ball is most definately in his court now since I called him today. He's told me two or three times that he has this coming weekend off. I don't know if that was a hint or something. I don't know. But I have to work tomorrow and Wednesday...there's always the possibility of running into him there. So we'll just have to back off and wait and see. That's right, I'm backing off. Even though every sexually frustrated urge that's surging through me keeps screaming, "FLOOR HIM!" hahahaa.

~I missed the best part could we please go back to the start. Forgive my indecision...~

All for the sake of Mraz, I'm watching the football game. blah! There's only like 3 minutes left in the 1st quarter. But half time is still like forever away. I'm just not a football gal. I might watch the superbowl on an occasion...Give me a nice car race, the x-games, a soccer match, I'll even watch tennis. But football? nah. Something tells me that it's a little crazy to watch 2 quarters of a game that you can't stand just to see maybe 4 or 5 minutes of Jason Mraz. If that. Well, I guess I'm not really watching it. The tv is muted in the background. My renewed love of Incubus has me entranced by Brandon Boyd's voice. Life just wouldn't mean as much without the heavenly hum of his vocal chords. Which is why I keep telling myself that it's not a waste to wait through some lame ass sport just to be serenaded by Mraz. It's well worth the wait. Speaking of Incubus, after all my searching, I finally found the words that will surround my bleeding heart tattoo. "Honesty is a lonely word". It's short enough and yet it speaks volumes. Perfection at last thanks to the lovely Mr. Boyd. Not only does it address something that is definately important in my life, it also adds to the meaning I've been looking for behind the point of getting this tattoo. I wish I'd had the balls and the money to get the damn thing when I first came home from CT. I explain the point of getting this permanently printed on my body. The heart which has been pierced by thorns represents the pain I've dealt with through all aspects of love. And the lyric says it all. Someday...someday. Well, I'm off. Only 15 or 20 more minutes until Mraz. I have things to look up online and a book to dig back into. goodnight.

~Could you show me dear, something I've not seen. Something infinately interesting...~

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