09-28-00 Thursday

~to know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold Utopian dream~

It's 10:15pm...I just got home from work, and I have a paper to finish for English tomorrow morning. But I can no longer hold it in. I'm going to burst! OK, So today...Thursday is the one day of the week where I have all 4 of my classes. So it's my long day. But to make it even longer...my car decided it was going to be ghetto this morning...the gauge on the dash (the cold/hot thing) flew over to hot on the way to school. So I barely made it there. I figured I'd call home and see if I could devise a plan with mommy. well, that didn't exactly happen. This is what did. English...boring. (Quiz day...ewwww) Theatre...blah. (quiz...ahhhh) UVC...this class is retarded. BAH! Then my break. I was so occupied during my break that I totally forgot about my phone call. I ate a few combos...and drank a mountain dew. (I think the caffeine started working again. I stopped drinking soda for like 2-3 weeks, and suddenly I've been drinking dew again...and I get extremely hyper.) Either that, or it's just when that guy is around. OK, let me explain. "that guy" is the one I mentioned before. He was in the lobby the one day when I saw Ben, and I was shooting my mouth off about it...he was telling me that I should talk to Ben...cause I could be passing up a good chance. Anyhow, we ran into him the other day in the service building...we were exiting the book store...and he was walking in the front door. I think that's when it really hit me. Since then...I've been weighing options. Ben...good looking...can be sweet...sure whatever. This guy...absolutely beautiful...clean cut...talkative. You get the idea. Have I ever had crushes on more than one guy at a time? I always thought that was impossible. grr. I'm confusing myself. Ben has this edgy thing going on. He's funny...but this guy is too. So ya, he was in the lobby again today. And...I don't know. He was messing around with Rachel. He lied and told her his name was John. Then finally admitted that it was Chris. (ya...I know...Chris...ahh!) But he's hilarious. and really smart. (Remember all that time I complained about wanting someone I could have an intelligent conversation with...) He did this whole "getting aquainted" thing. He told us about himself. He works...in the mall. (like me...) He doesn't drink!!! (bout time...) He claims he's a dork. But I'm tellin' ya, nobody is a bigger dork than me. But we went through that the first time I talked to him. He just has this whole...thing about him. But ya, he threw his drivers license across the "twister area" it landed directly in my lap. He's like, "check that out." So I did...and the picture...looks NOTHING like him. I guess he was pretty chubby in high school. And he wasn't popular. (I wasn't either. but he looks totally GQ) He goes, "ok, I wanna get your opinion on something. I've never dated anyone before...what do you think about that?" I was shocked. But I think it's awesome. He's pure...untainted. It's really sweet. The first time I saw him, I was like, "No chance! He's WAY outta my league." But he's down to earth, and sweet. Not at all like I thought he'd be. He IS kinda cocky though. But it's funny. I can be that way too sometimes. *sigh* Onward

~so you the illest (alright alright), and you the dopest (ya,whatever), and you the flyest...man why you tellin' me this? in one ear and out the next all I'm hearin' is, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah~

So I worked tonight. I was late, cause I putted my ghetto car home...and sent mom on the mission for antifreeze. Anyhow, I called Kim to tell her I'd be a little late, and she said she'd call Ben and see if he could come in early. So I'm thinkin' "GREAT! After all this crap, NOW I have to work with Ben" Then I decided that this self esteem thing is really starting to piss me off. I deserve a hot guy. But Ben...is a weird story. I think if Chris hadn't stepped into the picture, I might be a little upset about this evening. But I'm totally cool with it. Let me explain. We were a lot more friendly tonight. He's really a cool guy. And he knows...I could swear he knows. (about the crush that is) It's obvious. Cause I AM the captain of obvious. Plus, he said something about how Danny was supposed to have my job...But Kim covinced Rodney that to hire me. And I said, "well, if it was Danny, then it's ok" and he says, "ya...cause it's Danny" and I was like, "I love Danny." and he looked at me funny. So I elaborated. "Like a brother." and he's like, "so you HATE Danny." and I go, "no. I love him to death." I can't explain something like that to someone who has no idea of my side of the story. Danny is and always will be a big part of my life. I have to love him. It's like...I HAVE to love my little brother...even though he's a 13 year old punk with the mouth of a drunken sailor. His occupation is anything and everything WWF. Danny...is a punk. But I love him. cause he's Danny. (I don't want to talk about this at all) Anyhow, the point is...Ben and Danny...are best friends. (I think...I'm pretty sure) so...Danny told him...everything. Right, so...Ben went out with some girl tonight. And it doesn't bother me at all. I teased him about it. He was talking to her on the phone, and Kim's like, "BEN'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND!" I said hi to her. and talked really loud about how Ben is a pimp. He was pimpin' tonight. Nicole and Natalie came in...and bought 4 purses from him (they were on sale, and he was trying to get EVERYONE to buy one) but she came up to the front where I was standing and says, "you know, the only reason I bought these, is cause he's totally hot. If it was a girl, I wouldn't have." I told him...and he didn't believe me. I asked why. And he said, "I don't think girls find me attractive." So I gave him the 'ya right' look. and he said, "what?" so I'm like, "You totally have this cloud of charm following you around." and he's like, "nah...it's just my breath." (laugh) what a punk. After he got off the phone with...Leslie? No it was Lindsay. He walks out from behind the desk...and does this little...'I'm a pimp' dance. It was hilarious. He knows he's hot. I hate guys like that. They're always arrogant...(cough cough...DAN!) But he's still awesome. (both of them) CRAP! It's 11pm...I still have to finish that frickin paper! But I'm NOT done.

~Step into the party the place to be. You know the crowd is packed and people lookin' at we...what they want me to do is come through and have a little fun, John Reuben a little bit lanky, a little 6 foot one. Havin' a good time everytime without a care. Look at me I got crazy fluffy little Jewish hair.~

So Kir called me before youth group last night. And we made this slick plan. She was going to call the church at exactly 6:33. And I was supposed to just pick up the phone in the hallway outside the fellowship hall. So I speed there...almost late. And try to gather some peeps to talk to her. I get Crazy Jon...and pull his hobblin' crippled butt out to the phone. It rings...and I thought twice about it...but did it anyway, "Kirsten Carroll Hotline!" She cracked up. It was great. So I left the phone with Jon...and ran to find some more people. Daniel, Kip, Pearl, Leslie, Kenny, Erin, Dianne...there were more. So she got to talk to all her friends at group. YA! That was cool. then Leslie tells me about the evenings special surprise. It was Dianne's birthday. (totally didn't know) Her small group was to sneak out into the kitchen during 'Better is One Day'. So we get out there...and there's a cake. We came out singing...in front of a (not SO large...but big to me) group of people. Natalie and I both said something about Dianne. About how awesome she is. I love Dianne. I just wish Kir could have been there for that. She probably would have said something far better than me. It was still awesome. Then...the other phase of Kir and my plan...was to talk to Matt. Not pry. So I walked up to him at Arbys...and said something like,
"so Matt, have you talked to Kirsten since she's been gone?"
"No."
"You should give her a call or something"
(in the most annoying tone of voice possible) "I don't have her number at college. And besides that, it's FAR away!"
I looked at him. Stunned. Cause he's always rude to me. But it's never been that bad. I was digusted. So I said, "I can NOT talk to you." So I huffed away and sulked in arbys. Daniel came over...and I told him about it. (he's always been good for Matt-bashing) But he told me this story about how all he wants to do is be in the ministry. But God told him no. Because he didn't realize it...but he was treating people (like Matt) with a snubbish attitude. So he'd decided to change that. He accosted me for saying "I hate Matt" and I was just like, "I can't help it. I know it's wrong. But he's such a jerk" and he was like, "so just dont talk to him." and I said, "I wouldn't...he's just...he knows that the path he's taking is wrong. But he doesn't care, and he won't do anything about it." and Dan was like, "well, you know that having hatred toward him is wrong..." BAM! Below the belt. But it was true. I can't tolerate matt's behavior. He's out of control. Smoking in the non-smoking section at Arbys. AJ threw all the ashtrays away. (that was funny) But I realized that I've been contradicting myself a lot. I haven't figured out why yet...but I will. It's ridiculous. So, everyone left early. I was really upset. So James gave me the 'call me' signal before he walked out the door. But Natalie, Nicole, Becca, Daniel and I sat around pretty late and talked. When we went out to the parking lot, James pulled up. I haven't seen him...or really talked to him...since I started school. So I ran over to the car and attacked him. It was all hugs...and it was just so necessary. I needed that from him. He asked what was wrong. I tried to explain. But it wasn't what I needed. I just needed a good James hug. I NEEDED to cry. But I didn't. I got the hug though. Lots of them actually. oooh! funny story! I was working tonight...and Kelly came in (his girlfriend) So I was like, "Hi Kelly!" It was great fun. She said hi then tried to ignore me. She hates me. I should sick Daniel on her.

~you do something to me that I can't explain. So would I be out of line if I said I miss you?~

So, to sum this all up...I'm really starting to adore this Chris guy. And I think if I see him...anytime between now and next Wednesday, I'm going to invite him to youth group. More than anything, I want Nicole to meet him. The 'not a thing' with Ben...well, it WAS a thing. And I blew things out of proportion. (that's my job) but...it's blown over now. I still think he's hot. (devilish grin) but...he...and I...nope. It just wouldn't work. He'd be a wonderful friend though. A VERY attractive friend...(smirk) I love Dianne. I love Kir. I love Danny. I love James. I love Kim. I love love love Nicole. Amen!

~Makin' fresh vibes, bringin' fresh songs man we keepin' it fresh hopin' ya'll come along goin' HIM HER HE or SHE!~

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