Aint nobody's business but mine and my baby...


09-27-03 1:59pm

~I wanna rock with you. All night...Rock the night away...~

Listening to:
Michael Jacksons greatest hits
Damien Rice
Salt n Peppa
Incubus: Morning View
Mraz mix

I hate wireless! Everytime I try to update, my connection is f'd. I can't talk to my friends on IM because it boots me off every 5 minutes. Arg! So obviously, if you didn't put 2 and 2 together...since it's Saturday, and I'm posting, I'm not in PA. He cancelled. I just reread my last update...and it almost sounds like I was mad about the whole thing. I suppose I was a little pissed off at first. The idea of taking the time to make all those plans and then wasting it really got on my last nerve. But I thought about it and...it was for the better. I'm broke. I couldn't have afforded the trip myself. So maybe it was a good thing. Plus...there's a completely different situation going on that needed some attention. Long story...but I'll tend to that in a moment.

~You know I'm bad. I'm bad. You know it! And the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again. Who's bad?~

Here's a bit from the offline posts that I've been working on.

Tim cancelled on me for this weekend. He told me Monday or Tuesday that he didn't think it was going happen. Lack of funds etc. At first, yes I was a little pissed about it. I'd requested time off of work, made all kinds of plans...I was really looking forward to it. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like bad timing. I'm broke myself. I get paid tomorrow but it won't be enough to pay my bills, set up an insurance plan, and pay for gas to get to PA and back. Not including food, cigarettes, and gas for the next 2 weeks. Once again, I jumped the gun and got overly excited about something just to get my hopes up at the last minute. When Tim finally told me that it was definately cancelled, I'd had a horrible day at work and got a little bitchy with him. So he thought I was totally pissed off about it. I wasn't. Honestly. So I ended up calling him back later to explain myself. What a mess. What an unnecessary mess. I'm not mad about it. A little disappointed that's all. It's done, and I don't feel like making it any bigger than it was.

~Don't throw yourself like that. In front of me. I kissed your mouth, your back. Is that all you need? Don't drag my love around. No. Volcanos melt me down. And what I am to you, is not real. And what I am to you, you do not need...~

So Ben invited me to some local show on Friday night. At the time, I was still banking on my weekend trip to PA. So I said I wasn't sure if I could go or not. Well, as soon as Tim told me it was off, I got excited because I could attend this show. I was kind of hoping the tickets for Taking Back Sunday wouldn't be sold out but they are. It's too bad. I mentioned the local show to Tim...I was trying to convince him that I wasn't mad and it wasn't a big deal because I had other things that I could do. But rather than reassuring him, I think it upset him a little that I bounced back quite gracefully from his negative news. I was more upset about my bad day at work than anything else that day. It's been a crazy week.

~Here i go here i go here i go! Again what's my weakness girls? MEN!~


You may be wondering, why has it been so crazy? That's the long story I was talking about. ugh. I don't even want to get into this but...I was working...one day early this week. Took a smoke break. Perfect timing. I ran into this guy out back. He told me he works at D.O.C right. I'd talked to him once before. No big thing. But Shannon, queen of capital mall gossip, told me his entire life story. I hate it when things like this happen. Because the bits and pieces she gave me peeked my interest. So when I ran into him this time, it was like a smack to the face. We had a decent conversation. He seemed to be a pretty awesome guy. Jeff...is almost alarmingly attractive. So attractive that it caused my shakes to kick in. But all nervousness aside, I was taken aback by his openness. It's rare to find such a physically appealing guy who's also painfully polite and easy to talk to. Not only does he slightly resemble Steven Jenkins from 3eb, he posesses some...no, scratch that. He posesses ALL of the things that I've been writing and talking about nonstop since I reevaluated my taste in men. He rides motorcycles. He rebuilds them in fact. Specifically Harley's. He has tattoos AND piercings and he's good friends with the guy who owns the parlor where I had my recent piercing done. He gets all of his ink for free! Must be nice. He smokes...obviously since that's how I ran into him. He's ambitious, and he smells so nice. For cryin' out loud, he's not a fuckin' wigger! And as far as I know, he's not suicidal. Bonus! Big bonus. Needless to say, I was impressed. So later, I mentioned the ordeal to Laurie. I've recently appointed Laurie as my official relationship advisor. Considering the fact that I'm a dumbass when it comes to guys. I figured it would be an intelligent move to put my love life in someone else's hands. Anyhow, when I told her she said, "Okay, so don't fuck this one up. You HAVE to ask him out." Easier said than done. I'm not good at this. I'm just no good at pushing things along. I've taken the well beaten path of letting things happen naturally for so long...it's almost absolutely impossible for me to back track and learn new dating methods. This may sound a bit cocky but I've never really had to ask a guy out before. I'm a nice enough person to accept a date when asked. No matter who it is. I mean, I went on a date with Channie's little brother. I went on a date with Crazy Jon once. But since high school, I've never taken the initiative to actually put myself in the position of rejection. I don't take rejection very well at all. I suppose that's because of my lack in things like self confidence but...I didn't need it before. I've been happily settled in 2 relationships for the past 3 years that didn't take any serious work on my part to get either one of them started. So ya, I think I got my point acrossed. Right, so I relied upon Laurie for suggestions of witty banter. She's exceptionally good at that. It ended up taking more work than I thought. But we successfully invited him to the show. It turned out to be quite complicated actually. Which made me a little edgy all day yesterday. Back to the story. We talked to Jeff Thursday night. I ended up going to the mall again Friday afternoon to pick up my check. As soon as I step inside the front entrace, TJ calls my name from Subway. Detour #1: So we bullshit as we usually do. I told him about the show. He told me he got a part time job at American Eagle...woo ha! Because he thought the manager was hot. Then he finds out that she has a boyfriend. C'mon TJ! Let's hit on chicks who are single for once. Sucker. I walk out of there with all intentions of heading straight for the moist porpoise. But I'm sidetracked once again by Jeff. He waves me into his store...and the nerves kick in immediately. But I tried to keep it cool. I'm just a big asshole. I swear. Ended up giving him my cell phone number so he could get a hold of me for the show. Yup...he's got the number. Then I got my check...as I was walking out of the mall, I ran into TJ again. He saw me talking to Jeff and informed me that he knew him somehow. Didn't have anything bad to say about him. But he said he was going to go in there and tell him to stay away from his ex-girlfriend. WTF?!?! So I confronted him on that statement. How long have I been calling whatever it was with TJ and I..."whatever"? HE was the one who wouldn't put a title to it. So why the hell is he trying to claim that I was more to him than I really was? More to him than he would allow...It shocked me that he called me his ex-girlfriend though. So for that month that we were hanging out...and I got to know him...okay...but he knew NOTHING about me...that was a relationship? I'm sorry, it doesn't count. At least not in my book. But whatever. I thought he was just joking. So I went through an ordeal at the bank. I hate the banking system. I don't believe in bank accounts. I work hard for that money (cough cough) why would I hand it over to some fucking stranger...first of all. Secondly, I hate dicking around with balances and withdrawls etc. It's just a pain in the ass. Anyhow, Ben called to inform me that the venue for the show had been changed. So I was starting to worry as to whether or not Jeff would show up since I told him it was at a completely different place. I called TJ to tell him about the switch and he says, "oh, well I'm not going anyway." What? He was pretty excited about it when I talked to him before. So I asked why. Well, Mr. TJ decided to be funny and told Jeff to stay away from his ex-girlfriend. I fucking hate this town. It's so small, everyone knows everyone else and everyone is always in my fucking business. He thought he'd pissed Jeff off. Which is why he decided not to go. But what he probably did was confused the hell out of the guy. Ugh. People, for once in my life, I'm trying to be a normal person. I'm trying to hang out with a guy that I find attractive. On my own terms...but 9 million people have to stick their nose in it and fuck things up...so that really pissed me off. But it's TJ...and he has a tendency to do things like this. It's no excuse but if I consider him a friend, I should accept the stupid things he does. Right?

~I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind...~

...show rolls around. No call from Jeff...so Laurie and I went anyhow. As soon as we pull into the parking lot, Jeff calls. He got stuck at work. But he'd come when he got out of there. Ya...$5 for that? What was I thinking? The first band sucked. Whoever you are, you sucked. Sorry but you did...Jeff called back a little after they started. Showed up after we'd been hanging out in the parking lot. That's how exciting it was. I made the mistake of telling him one of the bands that was. Supercharger...It's a complicated mess but he has a vendetta out against these guys. So he refused to even stay and watch the other bands. After all that work...after all the planning and stupidity...he bails. But he invited us back to his house after the show, gave me a hug out of nowhere, and left. The hug was nice...a little unexpected but him leaving was just disappointing. I thought it would be an excellent place to hang out and get to know him. I was so wrong.

~Blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground.~

Well, Laurie and Nicole were all about ditching the show and going straight over to his house. They're all for hooking me up and stopping the "Laura is single" madness. But I'd already wasted the money on the show. I wanted to at least spend a little more time there. On top of hearing that the third band was going to be awesome, I wanted to stick around and hang out with some of these people. I hadn't seen a lot of them in quite awhile so I thought this was my chance to catch back up on what's been going on. It was mostly local scene kids. A bunch of boys who think they have their finger on the pulse of all underground hardcore/death metal/emo music. A bunch of boys who seem to think they're the shit. They think they're original, but in all actuality, most of them need to lay off the black hair dye and take a shower more than once a month because they all look like the same person from behind. Plugs, girls jeans, black t-shirts, dyed black hair...*sigh* I could do that too. I could dye my hair black, get it cut like the latest chicks death metal style. Short in the back, tapered long in the front, parted to the side with most of it over one eye. But I don't. Because I take some pride in the fact that I don't feel the need to look exactly like everyone that I hang out with. Shannon already tried to get me to do that when she told me to represent the edgy crowd to bring in that demographic of business. I never did. I thought about it but I just can't sacrifice myself. Not that much. So the longer I stood there talking with these people, the more I started to think "Laura, you just don't fit in with this crowd anymore." Although I did take a minute to walk across the street to Dairy Queen with Pitka and Steve L. Those two aren't so bad. I talked to AJ for a bit. He tried to convince me to stay but...I really didn't want to. Laurie and I picked up some alcohol and went to Jeff's.

~I'm not just a song anymore. I might be the whole damn score. I might be realin' in your head while you're sleepin' in your bed at night.~

Nicole showed up after we'd been there for awhile. He's really not much of a host. Nothing really amazing happened. We didn't really talk much at all. Watched some Vin Diesel movie...played with his dogs...I noticed that the irony of the evening was ridiculous. The similarities between Jeff and Tim are ridiculous. First of all, the show that we were supposed to hang out at together was located at the very same place where Tim and I hung out for the first time. It was almost the same exact show. Supercharger...although Tim liked that band a lot, Jeff on the other hand hates them. Went to Jeff's place after the show...went to Tim's place after the show. Jeff has 2 english bulldogs that he breeds. The whole time I was in CT, Tim and I talked about breeding english bulldogs. We almost bought one. There are more...I don't feel like listing. Anyhow, so we sat around and played with the dogs...ya. That was about it. Steve got off of work early and came over. I felt kind of rude. I mean, yes, Jeff invited us to come over but we weren't very entertaining company. And we brought more people over like we owned the place. I don't know. Nicole decided to take over all conversation, later claiming that I wasn't talking enough. She asked him all kinds of questions...where did you go to school...what year did you graduate? This lead to discovering that he's 26 years old. Then he asked us our ages. Like I want to tell some 26 year old that I'm only 21. Almost 22 but still. He probably thinks I'm this little youngin' with a crush on Mr. older responsible guy. Finally, both Laurie and Nicole got tired and left dragging Steve along. I felt strange for sticking around. A bit unwelcome. I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose but...I don't know. We watched parts of Jaws. I tried to carry on some coherent conversation. He mentioned a talk he'd had with Shannon earlier that day. She told him that half the girls who work at Wet Seal think he's soooooo dreamy. Yuck. I'm sorry, but I never went that far. I don't know what he expected me to say. "oh yes, I want you so bad. I can't contain myself. No one can. We all think you're God's gift." I hadn't heard anyone else from that store say anything about him. The only thing I said was that I thought he was hot. Then all of a sudden that turns into, "Laura wants this guy." He was cool and everything. A little too laid back almost. Like he didn't give a shit about anything at all. He said that he talked to TJ. And that whole stupid thing...he told him that he "wouldn't talk to his ex-girlfriend". I don't know what that means but he was talking to me. ugh. He just seemed like he was trying to pull off this attitude like I don't care. You're here in my house, and it's cool to have company but I really could care less. He made it pretty clear that he's got a lot of "chick friends". Well there's something that I really don't care about. I have a lot of "guy friends" and I'm not announcing it to the world. (except that I just did) Laurie and Nicole are the only females that I really hang out with. In fact, I prefer hanging out with guys because it's less drama. I think Laurie, Nicole and I only get along so well because we've known each other forever, they're married off and they know I may be the single one but I'm not trying to take their men away. It's just silly. The whole night made me feel like a lameass single and desperate little girl and that's exactly what I've been trying to avoid. There was no reason to feel that way but...it's me and I do that. Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against this guy and I'd gladly hang out with him again. But I'm not all about some casual careless thing. If I'm going to actually start a "relationship", I'm going to be serious about it. So I left not too long after my girls left. He walked me out the door. No hug this time but he did tell me that since he called my phone from his, I have his number now and I should feel free to call him. Well, he's got my mother fucking number too. Call me old fashioned but...damn.

~oh things are gonna happen naturally. Taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side and balancing the whole thing. But often times the words get tangled up in lines and the bright light turns to night. Until the dawn it brings a little bird that sings about the magic that was you and me...~

I think I'm just being negative because it was an uncomfortable situation...and I didn't really get the chance to open up and be myself. I'm a freaking basket case when it comes to guys. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I need COUCH TIME! So I went to the mall again today. My day off, and I'm hanging out there like a damn mall rat again. But I had good reason. Needed to talk to Shannon about the possiblity of me taking a FT job at CIC with Laurie. More stupid complicated shit. She didn't care to listen to that. She wanted to know what happened on my big night out with Jeff. AHHHHH! So I explained that no thanks to her, and no thanks to TJ, it was okay but didn't go as well as I'd thought. Aw, poor Laura. Whatever. I went down to Walden's and bought a couple of books. I'll just convert back to my book worm nerdy self. No more laying myself on the line. It's an awfully uncomfortable place. I can't help that I'm a big dork trapped in a hot body. HA! It's a curse. Just like the sign on my forehead that says, "losers welcome". I'll cover it up with my books. So that's the plan for the rest of this weekend. Dig deep into the world of Emily Bronte and F. Scott Fitzgerald. God I'm a nerd.

~I don't wish to know my ending. I just say, I wanna know when I've begun. I wanna know when I've begun. I wanna know where it started from because I feel like I'm spinning. I feel like I'm spinning. The world well it falls apart I said it falls apart around me. And you pick me back up. And you pick me back up. Oh you're gonna pick me back up and you get me high.~

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