~somethin' crazy, somethin' strange about the way I'm lazy and how I go about givin my time and how I reason.~
So I made Dan feel good about himself. And he made my day better on Saturday. I'm very happy about that. I gave him wonderful advice...about his radio show. And he said he felt like an actual dj. Plus, his plead for callers...got him 4, including myself. He claims his voice is an aphrodesiac. (laugh) I told him he had a good radio voice. I just know these sorts of things. AND, he made this trip to BG to see a girl...who he's really into. And he says they hit it off. GO DAN! I love making people happy.
~You do something to me that I can't explain.~
Today started with theatre. My ONLY class on Monday. Then I came home...and ate. Found that there was nothing on TV. My Aunt was visiting my mother...and I asked if we could rent videos. So thank heavens we didn't get into another argument about how renting videos is ridiculous. Instead...I got 3 Keanu movies. (smirk) I shouldn't be so pleased with my obsession. But I suppose this one is better than violating a poor innocent boy who wanted nothing to do with me...and/or dreaming about a skinny, emaciated Aussie. It's better than the one guy that I liked only because he faintly resembled Dan. Or the soap opera guy who kinda looked like Andrew. This is just Keanu...a 30 something year old bass playing actor. He's like twice my age. It's so sad. I'm so pitiful. The movies were good though. If that's any consolation.
~No one wants to spend eternity alone~
I was reading one of Kir's last entries...and it got me thinking about Danny. I wish, more than anything, that she could have the same sort of conversation that Danny and I did not so long ago. (with Matt) It was the most satisfying closure. For quite some time, I stated that the two situations were similar. Kir hated me for it. I understand that a lot of things were different. But I also found that the similarities were shocking. And the fact that Matt still is, and always will be a part of her life...is most definitely parallel with Danny and I. I love that boy. And I honestly miss his constant presence. But that conversation that we had...cleared everything up. I never thought he gave a crap about me. Or the fact that I would do just about anything for him. But he asid he did. That was enough. Knowing that he cares. And knowing that if it came to it, I could go to him with...whatever. In that situation, I'm thoroughly satisfied. But my point is, I know that at some point in time, God will grant Kirsten the same.
~Come on Understanding, visit me for once today...~
So...like I was saying...about satisfaction. It's something that I lacked the other night. When I was leaving work...Ben let me out the door, and said goodbye. And I just...I anted to say something...anything to him. But I couldn't. I barely waved over my shoulder.
I walked away.
Because it was easy.
Because I just can't figure out...whether or not he's going to do the same thing that the last 3 or 4 guys have done. The same thing that Danny did. It's got me worried. And I know...that if I want something...I should ask for it. And I know that the only way I'm going to find out...is if I take that chance again. But I'm afraid. Of wasting those feelings...of handing them out...and coming back with a hand full of crap. I don't want to ruin the seeds of friendship that we've barely planted. I don't want to scare him away. It seems like you have to be blessed to have someone like him in your life. And on top of this...he's a lot like Danny. Only less social. I find it extremely odd that he's the "lead singer" in this hard core band. He screams...yells...growls at the top of his lungs, in front of groups of people. But when he's one on one...it's a completely different story.
~I know you're probably used to bein' alone.~
I want to share things with him. I want to have that sort of connection. But I wonder if it's cheapened...because maybe I just want a connection...with someone. I question myself like this a lot. Because I know I have the capabilities to care about others. Sometimes too much. And I know I can share with others. But I've never had someone "special" to really care or share with. I've said it before...I lack experience in the relationship department. And I want more than anything to be exposed to a fully functional REAL relationship with someone. My problem...is finding...someone.
~As soon as I figured out that you wouldn't be there...as soon as I figured out that you didn't care. I try to do what's right, I try to keep an open mind. I try to do what's right but you're so unkind.~
So stop looking! I've tried that. It's almost like an addiction. Like my mom...I say, "so why don't you chew gum instead of smoking?" "tried that." "Then how about just quitting cold turkey?" "tried that too". Honestly. I'll say to myself, "Hey Laura, you know you're setting yourself up for this. If you'd stop looking so hard, he'd be at your doorstep." But that really doesn't help. It breaks my heart. And the last thing I want to do, is get my heart broken, and drag someone else down. (someone else being Ben) It hurts, and I'll try and explain it to him...he won't understand...he'll think it's his fault. Then feel guilty. When it's not really anyones fault for not being interested in another person. I think I'm thinking too much again. That's my downfall. My tragic flaw. (not that I'm any sort of hero...) Over-analyzation. Let things flow. Give up on the hunt for "the perfect guy". Give up on hunting period. It's a grotesque sport.
~honestly not interested~
So I got this random e-mail from Kir. Telling me how much she wished she could give me a hug. (I'm in desperate need of a good hug) It was just...tear jerking. It was an instant cry. Usually there's something leading up to the cry. Like a sniffle...you know? You can feel it coming on. Welling up in your temples...but this was a split second bawl. I wish I could explain the message. But it was personal...she was reading something about grief, and it reminded her of me. (which tells you something) And she felt terrible about the way she had pushed me away...and I just...cried. Because all I've ever wanted from her was equality. I've always felt below her level...of intelligence...of life experience...and I felt left behind. Because there was always Yvette and Jen to run to. When I wished she'd tell me her problems...she told them. And I don't know why...but I never gave up. I didn't even realize what I was doing...when I sent that package. It was my way of reminding her that I'm still here. And this may sound selfish...but sometimes I wish someone would do that for me. Nicole buys me random things all the time. Which is close enough. I think she's bought both my birthday and Christmas presents already. That's just crazy. I haven't started shopping yet. (no money to shop with) Anyhow...ya.
~Here's another speech you wish I'd swallow. Another cue for you to fold your ears.~
*sigh* yes...it's so close...yet so far away. My birthday is next month. Approximately 23-30 days away. I'd rather not do the math. What do I want for my birthday you ask? What do I want for my 19th birthday? Well, Since I usually ask for a boyfriend. But never recieve one...I think I should decide on something a little more...acquirable. I want hugs. Maybe a few kisses. But mainly hugs. And not just ANY hugs. I want the good ones. (oops...I typed "the god ones") No cheap hugs for my birthday please. I prefer solid hugs. Arms tightly wrapped...sqeezing off my circulation hugs. No generic substitutes. Just a little lovin'. A little nookie to satisfy that craving. Then I'll be good to go. Or if you're not much of a hugger...you could always get me a Jag. I don't ask much. Do I? (evil grin)
~Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine. But a fail to kiss is a fail to cope~