09-23-00 Saturday


~You're the words that come out easy and I am speechless at best~

I got up early this morning because Dan told me he was going to spice up his radio show just for me. For those of you who don't know, Dan is a DJ at 94.9 The Buzz, and his show is Saturdays at noon. I listened to him last week, and the music was good, but Dan was pretty boring. So he told me he'd spice things up. Anyhow, I took my shower, and as I was getting ready for work, I tuned in. The first thing I hear is this growly voice saying, "The Buzz rocks Godsmack!". Laughing...rolling around...tears...ok...it wasn't THAT funny. But I didn't think he'd really do it. Then he started talking about calling in and requesting things. "no really people. I'm serious. Call in and request...I'm lonely" So I called...(giggle) and laughed at him. And told him that what he was doing was far better than the last time. He told me he'd play No Doubt just for me, then I asked if he'd play Incubus...and asked if I was asking too much. He said I was...but he played both...FOR ME!!! That made my day. Amen to Dan! Everytime I started getting depressed today, I thought about this morning, and smiled. Dan, you're the bomb. My day was generally good just because of Dan.

~Everything comes tumbling down~

So my second day of work...and I was right. The only direction left was down. (right, left, down...too many directions in this area) Moving on. I prayed last night that I wouldn't have to work with Ben today. And what happens??? Oh! He was there. And not only did I have to work with him, I had to close with him. It was Ben, Kellie, and I all night. And Sean...who wasn't working...stopped in the store like every hour. I don't know what that was all about. But they decided to pick on me. The New Girl! Not Ben...Sean and Kellie. She doesn't even know my name. She kept calling me Sarah?!?! They would all be in the back of the store, talking to each other. And I was stuck in front. They know each other...and can talk to each other. Sean and Kellie stared at me for 5 minutes while I was straightening. I went back to the counter and said, "I would ask why you're looking at me funny. but I already know I'm a dork." TOUCHE! It was really uncomfortable. I tried to talk to both Kellie and Ben. But I'd start a conversation...and it would dwindle off to nothing. It was almost pointless to even try. Kellie is off in her own world. I know the whole time she was probably making fun of me...And I know I'm being negative. But I started ragging this morning. And that's a good excuse. I've been cranky. Sure. But I haven't been rude to anyone. I don't want to feel this way.

~The closest thing to perfect but the farthest thing from me.~

I knew it would happen. Working with Ben is only making things worse. He's so...quiet. He only says things when it's absolutely necessary. While I, on the other hand, say things whenever they pop into my head. I probably sound like a complete idiot. I can ramble about anything for any amount of time. I'll talk, just because the silence in the store was grating on my nerves. I'm not used to these people, so I can be comfortable with their silence. Mainly because when I'm quiet, I know I'm thinking. And if they're quiet, I think they're thinking about how much of a babbling fool I am. At least I admit my flaws. I feel so paranoid right now. Cause I know that this crush on Ben...is growing slowly. I don't want to have a crush on him. I know how easily my feelings can be hurt. And I know how these boys are. If Ben doesn't already have a girl. (I have no idea. I'm not Chris. I don't stalk him) He probably doesn't care much about accumulating one. And even if he does...I highly doubt he...ya. That's my lack of self-esteem right James? I doubt...everything...consisting of me and boys. I doubt boys in general. None of them ever...like me. I feel so inadequate. Poo. He was trying to be all buddy with me. He shoved me with his elbow...he tried to wipe white out on me. It just makes me wonder if and what Danny has said to him. I know Danny knows of my site. He's read the journal. I'm not sure if he still does. And Ben is like his best friend. So I'm sure he'd tell him all the stupid girlie middle school crush type stuff I've been whining about for a month now. I really wonder. But I'm too embarassed to ask. (grin) I lack the stability in relationships past to be mature about that sort of thing now.

~I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it~

Ironic...I've been listening to The Juliana Theory a lot lately. And I was chatting (one of the rare times he spoke to me) with Ben...and he mentioned working for them here. Checking local radio stations...trying to get them to play their stuff. He told me that when I told him why I was having a good day. And I told him that because he told me he was having a bad day...cause his back hurt from moving equipment at a show last night I think. He's in Danny's band...As the Ruin Falls. *sigh* I miss the good ol' concert days. Taunt...(giggle) I was scary obsessed with Danny those days. I'd really rather not think or write about that. Anyhow, as I was saying...nevermind. It's just ridiculous whiny buttjunk.

~Will I wait on my knees?~

I really don't have anything else to talk about. I'm a little sad right now. I hope I don't have to work tomorrow. I'm on call. Which means I have to get up an hour early...and get ready, and call in an hour before I would be scheduled to go in...and they'll tell me if they need me to come in or not. I don't want to work tomorrow because I have a play to read for theatre on Monday. I have Math that's due Tuesday. And 2 editorials to read. I highly doubt I'll have time to do all that though. I also wanted to have a BBQ tomorrow. I invited James and Goo. Haven't seen them...and I need hugs. I need to just curl up and cry. Cause I know it'll happen sometime before the week is over. Why not now? Good Night!

~You say this is your life, well where is mine?~

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