I'd eat you alive!


09-22-03 9:48pm

~I am rejection. I am redemption...

Ok, so fuck everything I said in my last post. You know...fuck everything I've ever said. I'm in a terrible mood. So thank heavens for people like Ben. I tend to be ultra witty when found in a negative mood. He's one of the few who can toss it right back at me. I needed that. We were discussing my new facial artwork. The inner-demons got the best of me on Friday. I got my nose pierced. Lord only knows why. I've been thinking about it for quite some time. Finally got the balls I suppose. It was something I had to do. For myself. Since there's no one to tell me no. No stupid boyfriends holding me back. No "important" jobs supporting the traditional establishment of anti-self expression. Whatever. It was an experience. I definately won't do anything like that again. Having a 3 inch needle stabbed through tender nose cartilage is something I'd only do once. You'd be surprised how many bodily fluids it can cause someone to over produce. My eye watered, my nose ran...and bled like a stuck pig. Laurie claims I drooled. But for the sake of my own embarrassment, I draw the line here. I'm the type who usually lives comfortably INSIDE the box. It made me think twice about the whole tattoo idea. I don't know if that'll happen now. I think I'll stay as far away from the seedy uptown piercing and tattoo parlor as I can. At least for awhile. Then again, fuck what I'm saying. Because I contradict myself everyday.

~It only gets better...~

Work sucks more and more everyday. Now that it's been established that Laura isn't getting her promotion, everyone has decided to take a massive crap on her. Let's make Laura sweep and mop the entire fucking store every fucking day that she works! Sounds like a great idea. Or wait, we'll make her do stock until her fingers bleed. I've finally remembered why I worked so hard to get out of the CSR positions in the first place. Because you can make everyone else do the bitch work while you sit on your ever widening ass and doodle little pictures with hi-lighters on the "people planner"! Okay, enough 3rd person banter. I was so tired this morning. All I wanted to do was sleep for 3 more hours. I got up late and drug my ass to work for what? $7.50 an hour...It's not enough for all the shit I've had to do. If only I'd had the cajones last night to tell Chris and his stupid friend that no, I did not want to walk around in the cold dark night with a couple of cooler toting idiots. Babysitting 2 drunken fools for 2 hours last night wasn't good for my beauty sleep at all. But I'm too nice for my own damn good. It's a mother fucking curse. OH! The foul language will be thicker than concrete in this post.

~You only get one life to learn. There's only so many brain cells that you can burn.~

I've been working in that store for close to a month and a half now. I made it this far without coming in contact with a certain X boyfriend and his certain chimp loving girlfriend. I thought the coast was clear as I clocked out and gathered my belongings this afternoon. I walk toward the front and look up to see the happy couple holding hands as they passed by. Just as I look up, he looks in and sees me. Beautiful timing. FUCK that! That was the last thing I needed to witness today. OKAY! I get it! Everyone is allowed to be happy except for me. Dually noted. So please refrain from slapping me with the ugly truth every second of every minute of every f'n day? This too is a curse. I'm cursed.

~Who am I to say this situation isn't great?~

This crazy chunk of fake rock isn't as satisfying as I thought it would be. Ya, so I fooled some old lady into believing I had a wonderfully rich and generous fiance today. It doesn't make me feel any better about myself. I know the truth. I know it's a piece of 2 carat glass that I purchased for $5 in a cheesy retail store and pasted on my finger like some goofy 12 year old. It's not detouring any of my lame suitors either. Another unsuccessful attempt at mental liberation straight down the toilet. So here I am...poor me. We'll listen to some sad music and overthink the possiblities as to why I'm still so mind fucked.

~So I lay my head back down. And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours. I pray to be only yours. I know now, you're my only hope.~

For the past uh, week or so, I've been talking to Tim about how excited both of us are for this weekend. Our wonderful "getaway weekend". It was supposed to be great. Hotel is booked, plans made, time requested off of work...I've been looking forward to some time away from home. 6 hours of open road...just me and some good music. I've been looking forward to spending time with him. To rediscover what I thought had been lost. To see if things really were okay with us. Maybe fall in love all over again and the fairytale would come true after all. What have I been doing to myself? I never seem to miss when it comes to getting my hopes up. I'm always right on target. He informed me tonight that he was thinking twice about the whole damn thing. Not second guessing the spending of time with me...he really wants to do that. But he doesn't seem to have the funds all of a sudden. For lack of a better term, I'm not surprised. I wasn't expecting it but I'm not shocked at all. Who knows, I may be going and I may not. Why do I continue to let myself get frustrated or disappointed by his behavior? This should be textbook by now. And what makes me think that things have changed that much? I'm setting myself up to take the fall once again. I'm watching myself from an outside perspective. I know what the outcome is...so why am I letting it happen? After I got off of the phone with him...sitting on the couch at Laurie's surrounded by our resident happy couple...I got pissed and drove home. I had a conversation with myself that tops the list of my current, typical, insane behaviors. I came to the conclusion that I'd rather endure extreme physical pain then feel the way that I did. The way that I know I can feel when the little world that I've created turns upside down. I'd rather chew glass...bathe in razor blades...slam my fist into a 6 inch thick piece of cinder block...I'd rather be shot in the foot. I'd rather be stabbed in the nose 9 million times with a 3 inch needle. This time, I'll make sure it hasn't been sterilized.

~Your voice it drove away all of the sanity in me...~

Once that conclusion was reached, I screamed at the top of my lungs, coughed up a large sum of cold and smoking induced slime, and felt a little better. A little. I'm good now. It's back to the drawing board. I think I'll stick to the original plan. Stay far away from the boys who are already messed up. I.E. Chris...Who still seems to think that calling me behind his girlfriend's back is okay. Chad mentioned that Clint is still available tonight at Laurie's. HA! Sorry, still not interested in the western civilization impaired. Maybe I'll go to church and hook up with suicidal turned good boy Elliot. AH! The options are endless. I'm going to bed. It's time I catch up on my beauty rest. Lord knows I need it.

~Go on and hold her til the screamin' is gone. Go on believe her when she tells you nothin's wrong. But I'm the only one who'd walk across the fire for you. And I'm the only one who'd drown in my desire for you. It's only fear that makes you run. The demons that you're hidin' from. When all your promises are gone, I'm the only one.~

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