Blessed by your own ghost


09-21-04

~I woke up in the ditches, hit the light and I thought you might be there...but you were nowhere.~

In one month (since my last update) I managed to have my car completely totalled out, purchased a new one and put myself in 3x more debt than I was before. I got a new job, a raise, and soon a promotion. I got back together with my X boyfriend and broke up once again. It's been up and down and up and down. My head's still spinning. So, I started my new job about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Driving back and forth to Wapak hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. Actually, I quite enjoy the change of scenery. Leaving Lima at 8am and not getting back until 7, 8, sometimes 9pm. Working just enough to keep my mind off of other foul situations. Ryan and I got back together but that only lasted 2 weeks. He's a mess. There's no other way to put it. One minute he's tired of being in a relationship and "answering" to someone, the next minute he loves me and he wants us to be serious. 5 seconds later it's right back to where we started. I'm a little tired of it all. So we called an end to it. A very messy end. I was pissed. I'm still a little upset. Just now hitting the phase of acceptance. Hell, I can't change him. I can't "fix" him. We broke up not last Saturday but the weekend before that and he picked up the remainder of his belongings Sunday night after I threatened to throw them out. I bitched at him for the last time (hopefully). Just one last ditch effort to open his eyes to all of the things he's not only been doing to me but to his family and friends as well. I wouldn't feel obligated if it hadn't been for hours of conversation with his dad's girlfriend and a sloppy drunken night with Pat. (Mistake? Most likely) So he spent yesterday trying to fix things and apologizing to everyone. He left some money on the table at his dad's house. Talked to Pat and supposedly smoothed things over. Called me while I was getting drunk once again at Harry's. Playing pool with Jimmy, Drew and Laurie. I had to step outside so I could hear through the kareoke. It sounded almost like he was crying. Ryan does NOT cry. I've successfully made him cry once if not twice now. I'm not proud of that but it's proven that he has some feeling in him somewhere. So he apologized and while it's somewhat satisfying (after all the tears I've shed over this situation) there's still an empty, lonely, hollow feeling. I attribute that to waking up in the spoon position with a fellow lonely drunken/hungover soul last weekend. What a strange cycle.

~As I lay me down tonight...I close my eyes. What a beautiful sight. Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired of havin' to live without you but I don't mind sleeping to dream about you.~

So yes, I've spent a lot of time at the bar over the past week and a half. Just about every other night. We broke up that Saturday, I ended up celebrating margarita monday with some friends. Wednesday night I went to Harry's with Jimmy, Kory, and Kyle for pool and booze. The following evening I had cocktails with the girls at The Olive Garden then Saturday was the show with Kir at Harry's which turned into EXTREME drunken hilarity. Shots and cocktails and shameless inebriated flirtation. Jerked awake Sunday morning by a restless, snoring boy and slipped away silently to avoid the awkward "morning after". Then it was back to Harry's last night (Monday) for more cocktails and pool and good times with old friends. There's just no stopping me when I'm in this state of post break-up blues. Alcohol is not the answer! But I was going to go out again tonight before a situation arose with my cousin + 1 and the emergency room. Supposed to have tomorrow off but that could change at any given moment. So I'm staying in tonight. Cleaning up the disaster that's taken place in my bedroom since I've been too busy working and boozing it up. Picked up my new/used 2002 Jeep Liberty Sport last night. I'm in love! Is it wrong to be physically attracted to your automobile? Men do it all the time...right? I've already dubbed her my Sexy Beast aka The Sexy Bitch aka Mama's Whip. It's all black. Shiny black paintjob with a silver pin stripe. Black and grey interior. 4 wheel drive for those tough Ohio winters. 4 doors and back seats that lay down for tons of extra room. Fully loaded...she's a dream. A gas hog but...hopefully she'll treat me right and The Hellbeast is a tough act to follow. So I've sold out and joined the masses. I'm officially an owner of a Sport Utility Vehicle. How's THAT for shop therapy?!?!

~Bound to realize bound to all your petty lies...~

Hmm, well...if all goes as planned tomorrow, I have a hair appointment at noon. Haven't decided if it's time for a trim or time for something completely new. And if the haircut doesn't break the bank then I'll have my fake nails soaked off. A manicure is in order kiddies! As for the rest of the day...I'm sure I'll find something to do. Wash the whip. Finish picking up my mess here. Possibly have lunch with friends. (maybe a LATE lunch or early supper) Cocktails will be a necessity. I plan on catching up on some reading and if there's enough time, I may hit up a movie at the dollar theater. It's all pretty casual...I'm celebrating my liberation from men, stress, bad jobs, old junky cars, and all that holds me back from being 100% happy.

~You may be blessed by your own...you may be blessed by your own ghost.~


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