excitability may occur...


09-17-03

~I'm not sick but I'm not well.~

I love my days off. I can catch up on all the stuff I was really getting into when I didn't have a job. Although I've stopped messaging on the boards. I think it was really getting to my head. There are a lot of strange people who hang out online. So instead of reading all the crazy talk from Mraz's fans, I just read his past few journal posts and reflected. He's such an insightful boy. Finally got the chance to pull up Launch dot com to see the new video. This is an artist...a person who I appreciate for so much more than just his music. I almost look up to him in a way. Like a successful big brother.

~My man gives real lovin' that's why I call him killa. He's not a wham bam thank you ma'm he's a thrilla!~

Now, I'd like to present a strange life situation if I may. There's only a couple of people that I unconditionally look up to and respect. My very few close friends would be a prime example. Just to make it a little more clear...I have this sort of a feeling for maybe 3 people total. So here's the point I'm trying to reach. I didn't really think that anyone felt that way about me. If they do, no one has ever really told me. Until today. Yesterday when I updated, I mentioned that my psycho X Chris called. Well, we thought it was him and I found out it was today. Anyhow, I've known him for 6 years. We had a silly little high school relationship for 3 months but never hung out afterwards. He calls me occasionally. For advice or whatever. But after all the crazy shit that I've been through, that seems like it was...nothing. It was a short blurb. If my life was a book, it wouldn't even be a chapter. So here I am, minimalizing whatever our relationship was or is, and he comes to me today...just to tell me how much I mean to him. So I feel like an asshole. I never really understood his side. He stopped by, and spills his guts. Here's the run down. We were talking about his current girlfriend. So I assumed this was one of those times that Chris comes to Laura for advice. He's done that before. But he explained that they've been together for a year. She's really attached to him but he says that his feelings aren't near the same extreme. I tried to tell him that sometimes relationships take a little work. If she's good to him...then he should take the time to try and remember why he was with her in the first place. This is about the time he stopped me. He said that before he stopped by, he got nervous. He decided to change clothes and put on cologne. He said he didn't care what I looked like. He just felt the need to make an impression. I'm sitting there in a pair of grey pj pants, a tshirt and a zip up hoody. Hair in a ponytail, no make up. I haven't even showered today. So I said, "you didn't have to do that. Look at me." He didn't care. He said that I'm beautiful to him no matter what. He told me that I've made such a huge long lasting impression on his life, that he can't even put into words how much I mean to him. He's always looked up to me...thought the world of me...He still wishes that we'd never broken up. But he has no hard feelings about it. His life, he claims, would be perfect if he still had me and no woman that he's ever met has ever given him the feeling of butterflies in his stomach but me. What do you say to something like that? I was pretty close to tears. It makes me feel special in a way but I can't return the favor. It was like...he told me how he feels about his girlfriend and that's how I feel about him. I don't have those extreme feelings. I hate to minimalize things again but the only time he really knew me was 6 years ago. I don't think he'd feel the same if he really knew me now. Maybe he would. Maybe he's got this perfect picture of me in his head and I've just never changed to him. Ya, I feel terrible about it but what can I do? My heart is lost.

~Sweet justice...~

I'm confused. I thought I'd given up looking for someone to fit my perfect standard a long time ago. But I've turned into this...machine. Programmed to automatically shut down when faced with someone who might be interested but doesn't mold to that list of criteria. I've been trying to cut out all of the unimportant things lately. Trying to get back to some simple, humble beginning so I can start fresh. Take a new outlook on everything. My health, my important relationships...If I think about it, a lot of the things that I was attached to at one point mean nothing to me now. No physical posession...you could take everything I own away and I'd be fine. Give me music, give me good conversation with my close friends and I'm happy. I guess guys in general just aren't important unless I finally come across the one that fits. It doesn't help that I know all of the guys who've attempted the "hook up" here lately. So there's not really much of a reason to date them and find out what they're like. I suppose I'd be more inclined to date someone I don't know than someone I do. But see, I have this theory. I don't think you choose love. I think love chooses you. Sometimes I don't think I believe that love is what most people think it is. I don't think it's passion. Passion is passion. It's not attraction. These are things that have their own definition. Love doesn't really have a definition. I looked it up in my handy dandy dictionary. It says: a fond, deep, tender feeling. That's a shitty guideline. I'm fond of the color green. Do I loooooooove green? No. So what is it?Honestly?

~I don't wish to know my ending. I just want to know when I've begun.~

I think love is a combination of every feeling imaginable. It's not just a fondness of something. I don't think it's possible to comprehend all the things that are involved when it comes to real, genuine love. I'll even look in the bible for this one. First Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." It's touchy...because there's no way I'm gonna mess with what the bible says. I think this is a decent idea but it just scratches the surface. I also think that love is different for everyone. So who knows. Ugh, I've spent too much time rambling about it.

~Is it any wonder how I missed your smile???~

Okay, since this really had no point. I'll just finish up with this. Ya, I feel like an asshole. I don't know what to say to Chris. He's a good guy. Just not the one for me. My heart is in pieces right now. I'm afraid to say it but the largest part, I left in CT. I'm messed up. There's no one reason. I just don't think I'm capable of having those feelings for anyone right now. Right. So I'm gonna get ready for my 5 mile walk with Laurie. Time to hop back into reality.

~heart to ground...~

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