I'm still waiting...


10-28-03 7:22pm

~I'm raisin' to optimistical fortune and toastin' it twice. And i'm sitting high on an any time any day night. And I laugh at cryin' my eyes out. Well isn't it nice?~

I wasn't going to update for awhile after my last outburst. I was going to keep to myself. Just in attempts to express the feelings going through my mind, I'll quote a short passage that I highlighted awhile ago in The Beautiful and Damned. "I'd feel that it being a meaningless world, why write? The very attempt to give it purpose is purposeless." I've really enjoyed the way that F. Scott Fitzgerald writes. He was a very descriptive writer. Often using colors. He just...breathes life into reading. (and not surprisingly, he was a libra like me) Anyhow, back to my quote. I never thought that life was meaningless. In fact, I've always imagined that everything has a purpose and everything happens for a reason. I read a book a long time ago, maybe my sophomore year of highschool, called The Celestine Prophesy. That book made so much sense to me at the time and influenced the way I see things. Like I said, everything happens for a reason. And this book was based on the theory that there's no such thing as coincidence. I took that to heart. I think that the things you do, say, feel...the people you meet everyday...all have purpose. You learn from these things. You grow. But after going through what I wrote the other night and realizing how petty and meaningless all of it was, I thought I was trying to force meaning upon these events and people. Give them a purpose that wasn't necessarily correct but rather, made up in my head. I've been really confused by everything that's happened lately. It's all been so random and up in the air. Nothing is solid or definate anymore. Which is unsettling for me because I'd prefer stability over this anyday. I really think sometimes when a situation gets out of hand like that...I try and make it better for myself by turning it into this fascinating story where I am the victim the villain and the hero. The antagonist AND protagonist. And unfortunately, that only makes it worse. Here's an example for you. Today, an average day. Not unlike any other Tuesday. The center was dead. Typical for a Tuesday plus we had some pretty foul weather which would have kept me at home in my warm bed if I didn't have to work. So I don't doubt that's what everyone else was doing. Laurie went out early to pick up lunch. Well, I'd run out of cigarettes this morning so once we finished eating around oh...1ish, I was craving the nicotine. So I went out to replenish my source. There was a crew of big brutish men ripping pavement up in the parking lot which prevented me from leaving through a convenient exit. I had to drive around the back of the building to the stop light on the adjacent street. So much work just for a pack of cancer right? As I pulled up in the left turn lane at the red light, traffic was moving slowly around the corner. So shivering from this premature coldfront, I look up and see a familiar face. Yes, this is a small town. But not THAT small. Damn. I think it would be more likely for me to make it through at least ONE day without seeing someone I know. Without seeing someone who is somehow involved in the constant dramatic evolution of my current situation. This happens to me all the time so I don't know why it continues to bother me. I saw Jeff's brother. I only made it to approximately 1:30pm this afternoon without being reminded of the stupidity. Now, thinking in the Celestine Prophesy mindset as I usually do, I imagined that there has to be some reason why I met Jeff. Clearly not to date him. Whether or not that's still an option, it's no longer a possibility. Especially not after our conversation last night. No matter how crazy Shannon is, she called every single line he pulled. I think I shocked myself when I spit his game right back at him. But I didn't like the person I became while talking to him last night. All I want is to be honest and straight forward. With everyone. I don't like judging people because I know I'm not the finest example of a human being. It was so frustrating though. Because my first instinct is to protect myself. And since I know the things I know about him...I've witnessed his game first hand. I caught him red handed in the midst of all his lines, he mixed himself up and changed his story. The "no girlfriend' story that I've heard him repeat a million times. I turned the tables on him. As he was playing it all off like he wasn't coming on to me when he suggested I come over and cuddle with him...playing it cool like we were buddies and I should have known he was just joking. I agreed with our "friendship" and tried to convince him that I had no motives behind hanging out with him other than making new friends. He called my bluff. So I innocently explained that originally, I thought he was cool and we could hang out. See if anything else would happen. But I told him that he made it clear with his "no girlfriend" speech so I figured that was that. We were just friends. He didn't like that idea. Just as I suspected and just as Shannon predicted. In less than a second, his story changed. In that slick flirty tone he says, "It could happen. You never know. (changes to a philisophical know it all voice) Because I believe that you won't find it if you're looking for it. So it's not that I don't want a girlfriend. I'm just not looking for one. If it happens, awesome..." No. That's not the story Jeff. The story I heard a million times before I made it obvious that I was no longer interested is that you think the world is out to get you with this reputation you've given yourself. So you're trying to break out of that label by being a good boy and not dating anyone at all. He made several mistakes last night. And I caught them all. It doesn't even matter whether or not he's doing it on purpose. If he knows he's a player and thinks he's using those skills on me or if he thinks he's justified in his reasoning and irrational logic. He's wrong. There's one thing that he said during our little phone conversation that's still bothering me though. After I told him a few of the stories I'd heard about him, he said, "well I've heard some shit about you too." Oh HAVE you??? And what's that? I don't think he was expecting me to inquire but I felt the need to defend my good name. He paused and mumbled something like, "I hear you enjoy men." What??? "I hear you're pretty easy." holyhellholdthephonehereMr.reputationasawhore. Excuse me?! I didn't even ask who he could have heard that crock of shit from. Because I knew he made it up. I said, "oh that's funny. Because I've only slept with 2 guys in my ENTIRE LIFE!" Neither of them even live in the state of Ohio ass! Personally, I think that's a pretty good number considering the average number of guys most females my age have slept with. I should look that up for some statistical proof. Holy shit, he's got a lot of nerve. And when he uttered my favorite words before hanging up the phone, I knew that I wouldn't talk to him willingly again. "I'll call you back later". No. No you won't. And I won't be calling you either. Later, I came home from work and sifted through my mail. Just as I always do. But what do I find? A lovely little postcard from DOC declaring, "It's time for your eye exam!" It could have been ANY other piece of thick parchment solociting ANY other business. Why Jeff's store? Why again am I slapped with another reminder? As if I don't beat myself up enough for letting his lines get to me. So why then? What is the purpose for meeting Jeff? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe just to call attention to the King of all creeps for future reference. So I'll know when I've come in contact with a bottom dweller. A literal EYE EXAM. Open up and see Laura. You've officially been played.

~Call me a bitch cause I speak what's on my mind. Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled. When a female fires back suddenly the tiger don't know how to act. So he does what any little boy would do. Makin' up a few false rumors or two...~

10-29-03

This wireless connection is killing me. So it's return of the double update. But the mood has changed since last nights rant. I apologize for that, and I promise that I won't mention Jeff again. Unless otherwise provoked. After a long boring day stuck in that stuffy office...I almost fell asleep at work today. The held check report took me 2 hours. 2 fucking hours of account numbers and dates jumbled in my brain. Highlighting and crossing out pages and pages of customers. I don't think I've had more than 5 hours of sleep the past few nights. It's just too damn hard to relax after work. So here I am, drinking Mountain Dew and smoking cigarette after cigarette in hopes I'll wake up since TJ called and requested my presence later. Then Laurie called to remind me it's OC night. I had forgotten all about it. I'm not bailing on TJ for a television show. I'll just have to find a way to multitask. We're such geeks. Last night was the season finale of the Joe Schmo show. We had a little party. It just doesn't get any better than taco salad, nachos, Joe Schmo and your closest girlfriends. And tonight was supposed to be me and Laurie glued to the screen, drooling over the two beautiful male leads in OC.

~Take a deep breath and say it loud. Never can. Never will. You can't hold us down.~

10-30-03

I'm horrible. I ended up bailing on Laurie and the season premier of OC last night. Hung out with TJ instead. I won't be speaking much on that topic anymore. Out of respect for his privacy I've decided not to talk about it. She wasn't mad though. Said it wasn't even that good. All the hype...and then disappointment. I wasn't out very late last night. We played DDR in TJ's parents basement for like 2 or 3 hours. Maybe that's what did it. That game...I didn't think I'd like it but it's hilarious...and exhausting. I slept in this morning. Didn't even hear the alarm. I probably turned it off in my sleep. It's my body telling me that I need to go to bed at a normal time for once. So I raced out of my nice warm sheets, threw on some clothes, called Kelli...I'm horrible. She got stuck going to the bank when it was my turn. No shower, no makeup...I went to work and only ended up being like 15 minutes late. The best part is that my DM showed up unexpected around lunch time. I was busy helping a customer when Kelli informed me that she saw his car pull up. So I ran back to the bathroom to change out my nose ring. But the retainer that I bought the other day is a gauge too big and it hurts like a mother fucker to shove it through my poor unhealed hole. I stroll out of the bathroom, my nose is bright red. I'm sure he figured out what I was doing. But he didn't say anything. Thankfully. Now, Tracy isn't intimidating at all. Not like any of the bosses I've had in the past. He's short, like my height...and built pretty small. So when I wear my heels, I tower over him. He doesn't raise his voice. In fact, he's almost soft spoken. Doesn't really say much when he's around. It's almost like he's not worried about our business when he visits. Just the physical appearance of the center. He complained about the bathroom. Kelli just finished painting it the other day and we hadn't hung the towel rack or the toilet paper thing back up yet. He freaked out and hung them up himself. He almost shit a brick when the refridgerator kicked on. Ya, it's loud. It's about a million years old. Bitched about the stamps getting ink on the counter...just stupid shit. His cell phone rings every 5 minutes. THE most annoying ring ever. And he talk to some unknown entity on the other line the whole time he's there. Then he gives us a list of things to do and jets. I don't blame him for not sticking around very long. He drives here from Toledo (I think) once a week. Maybe that's what bothers me about him. Every other place I've ever worked...the DM doesn't give a crap. Only comes to visit if it's absolutely necessary. Hell, Tiga only came to my store twice in the 6 months I was in charge. He sent Chris in his place several times. Which sucked because of the situation between Chris and I. But I guess it was better than listening to Tiga's hot temper. HE was intimidating. The guy was like 5 feet tall...but he was crazy. Constantly bitching at me over the phone. But he had good reason. Our store didn't run numbers the way they had planned. Lima's not a good place for that sort of store though. I told them that before I started working there. They didn't understand why I didn't want to work on commision. Maybe because I knew we wouldn't sell shit. God I'm glad I no longer work for that company. Especially now that I see all the idiots they've tried to replace me with. No one can run that store the way Chris and I did. No one cares the way I did about that job. They've all been coke addicts and slackers. I've heard from quite a few mall employees that they've gone through at least a dozen managers since I moved away. That's a new manager for every month that I was gone and since I've been back. And I hate to say it but if I hadn't left, I'd probably still be running that place. Ugh. Let's not talk about business anymore. Dull.

~Pull like a punch and burn like a cigarette...~

Okay, this is fun. Tomorrow is Halloween. YA! And we're dressing up for work. Woo Hoo. But I haven't thought out a costume yet. Laurie's going all out. Purple spiked up hair, fake sparkly eyelashes, and black lipstick. Some crazy outfit. You get the idea. Kelli on the other hand is dressing up like a farmer girl. I'm supposed to do her hair in the morning. Me...I don't know. Something involving a pair of comfy jeans. I'll be "girl in a pair of jeans and a hat". I did think about running out and getting an actual nose ring with a chain that would connect to my ear. Then put on some of Laurie's black lipstick. Lots of black eyeliner. Lord knows I have enough black clothes. I could be goth for the day. But no. I don't really want to frighten my customers. I'll stick to tame and nonthreatening. I used to be totally into Halloween but not so much this year. Not last year either. I was too consumed with moving. I like to be pretty on Halloween which defeats the purpose. I want to be a fairy or a princess. I've already been an angel. I don't enjoy looking scary. If I wanted to be scary, I'd get out of bed and go to work like that. pj's and all. Bedhead, no makeup. Hey! That was me today! I still have no idea. I'll have to think about it for awhile.

~Afraid of love's embrace...~

Hmmm, oh! So tomorrow night after work, Laurie, Kelli and I are going out. No particular destination yet. But I'd like to knock a few back. Work hard, play hard. Right? Steve's going to Columbus for Jinx's annual party and so we're gonna wyle out. I think Laurie mentioned Thirsty's. So we may go there. I just talked to TJ and he's meeting up with some friends at the Twist n' Shout. Kelli likes that place so we might stop in there for a bit. I hear Harry's is pretty hoppin' on Halloween. And TJ said Matt is having a party at his house. Steve is the only one who really enjoys Matt's parties though. So I doubt we'll go there. THEN, Saturday, I have to work until 3. But Laurie has this whole "double date" plan cooking. She's trying to hook Natalie up with Clint. So Laurie, Steve, Natalie, Clint, Nicole, Casey and possibly Kelli and Jeremy are all going out Saturday night.

~I know that you're never leaving. Never leaving...~

Tim called me this afternoon. We weren't busy so I took a smoke break and talked for a bit. He's so excited because his new band, Doubting Thomas, is having their first show tomorrow night. They got together after I left so I never got the chance to see them play together. It's strange though. Tim's the front man. Who would have ever predicted that? He's so introverted. But he's not even playing guitar anymore. He plays...just not with this band. I can't picture it. Little quiet Timmy taking center stage and screaming his head off like he used to in the car. I can't even imagine. We've talked about when they get "famous". hahaha. It's so silly. I told him that I'll be his down ass chick. The one who was with him before all the glamor. The one who takes care of his 10 expensive tricked out cars and million dollar mansion while he's off on tour having drunken, drug induced orgies with PlayBoy bunnies. All that fun rock band stuff. hahaha. We were just being goofy. It's funny when we talk about it and even moreso when I write it out. He told me I can be his personal assistant/ #1 groupie. Ya, we're geeks. But he was so excited about this show that he went out and bought a new mic. Damn, I wish I could see it. I know I'm still a part of his life. For pete's sake, he called me just to tell me he bought a new microphone. But I'm not there to actually take part what's going on. It's good though. We have such a love/hate relationship. I've been thinking a lot about it lately. Obviously. And I know that we make wonderful friends. It's unconditional. But when we add the emotions of a commited relationship into the mix, it just gets messy. I don't know. But I do know that I'm not capable or ready to pick up my life again and move out there. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that again. I've got all sorts of things to do here yet. But as for now, I'm content with having what we do still have. This wonderfully honest and silly friendship. And I can't wait for his visit after Christmas. I can't wait to see him. And to see Thad! Oh my! I didn't know how much I really enjoyed about the boy until he wasn't there to entertain me anymore. Damn that kid is funny. I just want to party with them and chill like we used to. It'll be a good time. A situation that I'm not putting much thought into right now. Because I don't know what will be going on with me by then. I really hate those 3 words. -I don't know- But I say them an awful lot. huh? I still can't believe Tim's the leadman in this band. He would get nervous just playing his guitar in front of me. Let alone taking away the one thing he could hide behind and handing him something that projects his voice so EVERYONE can hear it. I'm so proud of him. I think he's really overcoming a lot of his fears. And growing up all at once.

11-01-03


~No hype, no gloss, no pretense...Just me, stripped.~

I am so fucking tired. And I'm finally starting to understand why Laurie and Nicole never wanted to go out when I was only working part time and they were working their asses off everyday of the week. I feel like an old woman. I should be young and vivacious. I should be able to go out after work and party until the bars shut down then get up the next day and do it all again. Nope. We went out last night for Halloween. Yee ha! Man, people around here...never cease to amaze me. It was crazy. Not exciting...bar hopping in this town is pointless. Unless you know a bunch of people who frequent that scene. I don't. I don't care to either. I just want to go out and have a few drinks with my friends. But it was crazy. Last night's plan was to bar hop until we dropped. We didn't make it very far. Went to Player's. That place is so horrible. There's nothing to do there but make conversation. No pool tables. Some dart boards but they were being used. It was packed full. Mostly older folks. Just not entertaining at all. So we went to Thirsty's. A little better. The pool tables were taken. But Jess and Laurie both used to work there so they know all the employees and regulars. Nicole, Kelli and I just sat there bored while they chatted with bartenders and such. We stopped in at the 24 hour Subway (the only thing that rocks in Beaverdam...it's a huge truck stop town. And the Flyin' J kicks ass) then we went to Matt's for a bit. See, that used to be the scene that I was a part of. It's changed and evolved so much now that I barely know any of them anymore. Not my thing. But Kelli also used to hang out with them. She ran into Ben's little brother Jon. They talked quite a bit. It still shocks me that she and I (and Laurie and Nicole for that matter) all went to the same local shows in highschool but we never met her. Talked to Natalie. I love that girl. She cracks me up. Ran into this girl who worked at Gadzooks with Nicole and I for awhile. Fawn...I only remember her because of that name. She was interesting to talk to. Then we went to leave, and I practically had to rip Jon's fingers from Kelli's arm. He put his arm around me and said, "I know I know you. I've seen you several times. What's your name?" and I told him. He's like, "ya, I bet I've seen you over at Steve's." Ya. You have. But even better still, I made out with your brother! No, I didn't say that. As long as it was funny in my head. That's all that matters. So after Matt's, we went to Harry's. That's when shit got crazy.

~And all we heard is repitition....~

As soon as we pulled into the parking lot, I thought, God, I hope Jeff's not here. That would just MAKE my night. Walk in, pay the cover, went to the bar and guess who's circling the pool table. None other! I was perfectly fine with ignoring him. I figured there were enough people there...I'd blend in. So I waited in line for a chance to order a drink. Next thing I know, he walks up through the crowd acting like he didn't see me. So, I smacked his arm to get his attention. I know he had to have noticed us standing there. 5 chicks...the only group in the place not in costume. He's met both Laurie AND Nicole. Dammit! I said I wasn't going to talk to him OR about him anymore. (smacking myself...) So, I got his attention and said hello. Gives me another of his infamous hugs...bleck. The boy is drenched in cologne. ALWAYS. I could stand 4 feet away from him and still walk away reaking of the shit. It used to be nice. It was a nice scent. But now that I have such a distaste for the guy, the smell makes me sick. He was off on a supposed mission. Scotty had abandoned him. So he ran off as usual. Got my drink and started to follow the ladies out into the open area outside then I ran into Cathy (TJ's friend) and we talked for a minute. I look around and all my girls are gone. Luckily, Kelli got sidetracked by some guy she used to know. He was playing pool at the tables by the bar. Jeff appears out of nowhere again and we spoke briefly about what we'd been doing that night. It was obnoxious. He's all, "so what brought you guys here?" And I told him we came to make fun of all the nut jobs in costumes. He says, "ya, I came for this (raising his glass) and this (points at the pool table)" Then he starts in with "But this girl keeps calling me because she wants to come out and party with Scott and I. She's only 20 and needs an id." Jeff, I don't fucking care about your hoes. Seriously. So I laughed and said, "that's what you get for being available. I come out to chill with my girlfriends. Not some lame ass losers who hang out here on a regular basis." Don't think he took the hint...But by this time, I was thinking about how I had made plans to meet up with TJ at the Twist n Shout. It was about that time so I scuttled off to find Laurie, Nicole and Jess. Leaving Kelli to talk to her friend. Laurie said she was about finished with the evening's festivities. She didn't want to go to the T & S. I called TJ. He was at home and didn't really want to go anyway. He was only going to stop in and make an appearance for the friends he had promised. Not a big disappointment. We stayed a little longer. Jess saw someone she wanted to talk to. And the rest of us sat down for a bit. We headed for the door and just at that very moment, I turn to my right...there's Jeff once again. He says, "hey! I'm leavin'". So are we. "oh that's cool. I'll talk to you later then huh?" He gives me another hug. But all I wanted to do was bust him in the jaw. So I said, "Probably not. You never call me back when you say you will." He gets this look on his face like he didn't realize. "when didn't I call you back?" Oh let's see!? Ass! You seem to conveniently lose your short term memory quite often. I gave him a dirty look and said, "right. Whatever." Then laughed, rolled my eyes and walked away. I shouldn't feel this bitter about the whole thing. I mean, I guess I can explain. I don't think that Jeff is the reason. It could have been anyone. It just happened to be him. I think it just pisses me off that I met a guy who I thought was pretty cool. I thought he had some potential. Attractive in his own way...we have some things in common. And of course, I find out that he's a complete asshole. So it's not particularly Jeff. And it's not his fault either. I asked for it. Now, I'm not letting him off the hook, I still want to smack him...but it could have been any guy with those qualities. I'm sure if circumstance had been different, and I was back to my old self again, hanging out with him as friends would be fine. I've had quite a few guy friends who act like that. I never hated THEM for it. Hell, that was Nati a couple of years ago. It still is Nate. But I just don't hang out with him anymore. It wouldn't be so bad if he hadn't run his game on me. If he'd been cool from the beginning and made what he wanted clear. Instead of the hot and cold bullshit. I thought I told him pretty bluntly that I wasn't into stupid games. I can't help that he thought he was slick. That he could use his smooth talk and convince me that I wanted to be his fuck buddy. I'm just not into that shit. And I saw through it. Just like I have in similar situations before. It just...It got to me this time. Shouldn't have...but I'm so sick and tired of all of this. Is it so hard to find a good guy? Not a game player, an asshole, or a moron...just a good guy.

~I keep goin' right back to the one thing that I need to walk away from.~

On that note, work was insane today. Busy busy busy. Tim called and even though I was just as excited to hear his story as he was to tell it, I had to cut him off. Kelli and I planned to be out of there at 10 after 3 but we weren't expecting the last minute rush or the time it took to do our week ending paperwork. Quarter after 3, the damn phone rang again. Restricted??? It was Jason S. This guy I hung out with in highschool...ran into him awhile ago at a party and he asked for my number so we could smoke together. It was quite awhile ago...shortly after I came home...because I've pretty much stopped smoking since then. He called me the night of the toga party. Fought with Nicole about showing up...So I was surprised that he called again. I didn't recognize his voice. But when he told me who he was, I couldn't help but laugh. "What's up Stoner!?" I was busy writing letters for late customers so multitasking, I carried on a short conversation with him. He said he thought about calling me awhile ago but didn't because he didn't think I liked him anymore. It's not about "liking" Jason. He's an ok guy if you don't bring up the topic of religion. A little fucked up in the head...but that's nothing new. I have nothing against him. So I said, "no. that's cool. I don't hate you. Got no beef honey. What did you want?" He just wanted to talk. Don't know why. Said something about us hanging out some time. I told him that was cool but not at 3 o'clock in the afternoon when I'm in the middle of trying to close up shop. Got to talking about my job...but I was in a rush so I cut him off. "hey, I really gotta go. I've got to finish this and get the hell outta here. Why don't you call me back later when you wanna chill." Random...what's the deal with this random shit? That's what I'd like to know. It's cool. Don't get me wrong. It's surprising to hear from old friends like that. And I'll chill with him. If that's what he wants to do. But J is like...smokin' isn't just something to do. It's LIFE. Whatever. It's whatever.

~I'd give you my life if you'd give me yours somehow...~

11-02-03

Finally got the damn internet up and running so I'll post this today. I went back and read everything I've been jotting down in wordpad for the past week. So stupid. It makes me wonder why I do this at all. I think I need a break from the page. I'm going to update the poetry section after this though. I was writing last night at 2 o'clock in the morning...something hit me suddenly. I haven't been able to write anything in so long. It's still not good. I'm just not impressed with my writing anymore. But it felt good to write again. I fell asleep in the chair while watching some old jackass re-runs and woke up to the sound of my mothers disappointed voice. "Laura, did you know you were supposed to work at Wet Seal today?" Shit! Yes I did. Ugh. I got up and rushed around to get ready. When I finally got through to the store, Shannon tells me she already called someone in. She wasn't even mad at me. She gave me my schedule for the next two weeks. I think she figured out that I really don't care about this stupid part time gig and it wouldn't even matter if she wrote me up for missing a shift or not. She's probably more afraid that I'll quit when she needs all the help she can get. Christmas is coming up fast...she needs someone who can turn out stock quickly. Lord knows I've had enough practice with that. I honestly don't care either way. Ya, it's an extra paycheck. Gas money...cigarette money (speaking of that...I'm out). But I have a fulltime job. I don't NEED this second source of income. I'm sticking it out though. Because it's good to help your friends. Not that I'm helping...especially not today. Today, I have a list of things to do. Including: cleaning up this disaster of a bedroom, calling Progressive to see if they can hook me up with some car insurance, and calling a bunch of my old credit cards to cancel them. I'm debating on whether or not I should cancel my jewelry store card though. I want a pair of diamond earrings SO bad. It's dumb. First of all for me to waste the credit on something so frivilous and superficial. Secondly because I REALLY need to pay off my important credit cards. And most importantly because I now know that all this jewelry store sells is crap. Thanks to my job at Gem, I'm too damn picky when it comes to nice jewelry. I can picture it now. I'll go in there...and it's in the mall which is so great! I hate the mall. But I'll go in there and insult all the little people who work there and seem to think they know what their talking about. Ya, cause the diamond ring that I purchased there over a year ago...I wasted $150 on. It's not even worth $30. I'm such an asshole sometimes. I shouldn't be buying something like that for myself anyhow. Will power. That's really what I need. Christmas is coming. Buy gifts for friends and family not yourself dummy. In fact, I think I'll send something to my old friends at Gem this year. I miss those guys. Fuck! I hate the holidays.

~Forget all your apologies...~

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