10-03-00 Tuesday
~In your eyes...~
Today's Topic = Excessive Change
UGH! This has been...a day. Let me tell you. For all of you who are keeping up on my school schedule...it's my class/break/class/break/class day. Which translates to English/sit on duff in Reed Hall/UVC/sit on duff in Reed Hall/Math. So I did a lot of stuff...but then again...not a lot of stuff today. And it's so tiring. I'm spent. On top of that...Nicole and I went to ONU last night to drop off a cd I burned for Dan. He's a poor college kid. So I burned him a copy of Incubus. (my new favorite band) Anyhow...Nicole stole Dan's toothpaste. So I really hope he has some gum or something. She flat out told him that she was going to take something. At first she planned on yoinking his soap. But it's like a huge pump bottle. So while I was chasing Rob (Dan's cousin) down the hall...trying to keep him from catching her...she changed her mind, and ganked the Crest. *grin* I didn't get home until about 10:30pm. Then fell asleep. I don't know why I'm so tired. I slept good. Woke up once though...water...maybe that's my problem. I can't sleep all the way through the night. Anyhow...I get online a little bit ago, and find this big message on IM about how pissed Dan is. Because I was absolutely rude to him last night or something. I was joking around with him. Teasing a little. But I never meant to upset him. He really took me too seriously.
~We're at the top of the world, you and I. We've got a lot of time, and it sure feels right. Cause you reached in your pocket and pulled out a pass that says you can take me anywhere.~
So english...quiz. BAH! That's all I have to say about that. Then my first break. I hike over to Reed Hall, and sit my butt down. Then in walks Chris...no one ever joins me for that break. So I was surprised. Good surprised. He's so wonderful. He asks "questions". A lot of them. It's fun though. Cause he talks a lot about relationships. And his lack of experience in that department. Usually I'm the only one who talks about that. And I'm sure Nicole is sick of hearing me complain. But he was explaining how he's so picky...and his friends are always telling him that he should just ask out the next girl who comes along. My friends have done the exact same thing. I remember a conversation that Rob and I had in the lunch line last year about me being a "bitch" because I was so picky. That's just it though. It's not picky. It's just an over abundance of standards and morals. (that's my way of denying it) Chris...says the same thing. We're...like two of a kind. I wonder if people ever ask him why he doesn't have a girlfriend. I HATE that question. (I'm going to rant about him for awhile. So stop whining.) He's even moreso like me than Dan ever was. We're so alike...it's seriously frightening. While he was talking...and describing himself...I didn't even have to respond. Because he was describing me. Some slight variations...but generally the same...ya you get the idea. Have you ever met someone like that? It's scary. He says some of the sweetest things. But then on the other hand...he's always being sarcastic. Sometimes I can't tell if he's serious or not. I usually try to make my sarcasm as obvious as possible. Cause no one ever gets my jokes. They just get offended. *sigh* This is so terrible.
~Is patience still waiting?~
Terrible??? Because I JUST got through crushing on Ben. (I almost followed him into the guys bathroom today...I was trying to ask him a question...but he just keeps going. I hate that. When people won't stop to listen to you. It's rude...and ya. Another reason why I should not have liked Ben. He doesn't really care about one girl. And he won't give anyone "special attention".) and terrible because he (Chris) was talking about how he's so busy right now. With just starting school, and just starting a new job (HELLO! ME TOO! it's scary. I told you) he claims he won't have time for a relationship...and he said this all himself. I didn't bring it up. I don't know...I'm in pretty much the same boat...and I would drop everything for a relationship. Ok...not exactly "drop"...but I would make time. Just because...because.
Ya.
Because.
~Why can't you make up your mind???~
I'm so confused though. He was describing his first impressions of Alexandria, Rachel, and I. With Alexandria...he said something like, "She's just like 'ya. uh huh. (snaps fingers) that's right'." and Rachel...he assumed was pretty stuck up. I wouldn't say she's stuck up. She's nice. She's not your normal description of stuck up. Just cause she's blonde, and cute, and was a cheerleader in high school doesn't mean she's a snob. But when he tried to describe what he thought of me...it was more like...how he though I was just Rachel to a lesser degree. Not...stuck up or whatever. Which totally confuses me. Because...I don't know. I would just rather know whether or not he would give me a chance. Because I'm so sick and tired of stupid boys who claim they want one thing...and when that thing comes along...they turn up their noses. I'm sick of stupid boys. I'm sick of stupid crushes. I'm so ready to just be happily comfortable in a relationship. Either that...or to just give up. That sounds so sad. It sounds like a threat...I'm threatening myself now. But I mean...bouncing from having a crush on one guy to having a crush on the exact opposite of this guy...is just ridiculous. I don't know. I just feel really happy when Chris is around. Not over elated like Ben...and it's more comfortable, cause I already feel like I know him. It's just makes so much more sense. I feel dumb...saying things like that...when I have no idea how he feels about it. That's always the worst part. Not knowing. He's too nice. And too easy to talk to. Too much fun...seriously.
~To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold Utopian dream.~
Then...I had UVC...and we (Chris, me, and two girls he knows) walked over to Galvin. Alexandria wasn't there today. We had to fill out this retarded thing about marriage. I wasn't so cool with that. We had to write an essay about what we hope our "marriage" will turn out to be. What we expect from marriage...that sort of thing. I don't know what I want though. Just someone worth while. It sounds terrible. But I don't want to waste my time on someone who doesn't care. Laura and I left the room after turning in our essays. and we walked past Chris on the way out. He was still working on his essay. I don't know...I'm just too...in awe of this guy right now. Maybe if I just let things settle down before I go running my mouth about it. Even though I've already started that. mlah. *sigh* growl...I feel like crap. (I could sing this song earlier...now my voice is BLAH) Anyhow, we went back over to Reed for my second break of the day. And I blabbed to Rach about my morning conversation with Kissifer (that's his new lovely nick name) at the soda machine. Because his chick friends...Amy...and the other girl I forget her name, were sitting in the lobby with us. Anyhow...so I told her...and she's just...almost more excited than I am. She wants me to say something to him. But I'm still stuck on the "what do you say to a guy who's never dated before" thing. He made his way over to the lobby...eventually. And colored the whole time. We made fun of him for that. But instead of getting offended...he laughed, and joked about it himself. At least he can take a joke. They read my one poem...and tried to figure out what it's about...I don't know. I need to get my head straight. It doesn't help that I'm about to pass out. At least I aced my math quiz. That was just awesome. I'm glad that I'm still soing well in school through all this crap...
~Pardon me while I burst into flames, I've had enough of this world and it's peoples mindless games.~
I'm really upset about this Dan thing. I REALLY pissed him off. But he didn't say anything while I was there. I would have tried to make it better. I guess we were a little mean. And he doesn't know Nicole like I do. So I suppose she could seem a little overbearing. (if that's even how you spell that word.) I promise I'll return the toothpaste. I'll buy you an extra tube. He did make a good point though...I was late. Even though I tried to make it on time...I sped the whole way there. I didn't know he expected me to stay longer than what I did. 20 minutes...to drop off a cd. I had class this morning. And barely got myself up for that. We teased him...I wasn't TRYING to hurt his feelings. I swear...he changes his mind...so often. One minute...he and I are cool, and we talk on the phone...then the next minute...he's bashing me to my friends...then...we're cool again...and we go to the movies...but I never know where I stand with him. There's no cut and dry definition of our friendship. Because I used to have a crush on him...that he blows WAY out of proportion...and because he's hot...he's cold. It's so off the wall. Cause it's about how he feels...at any given time. I like being Dan's friend. I hate being his enemy. But it's to hard to be a good friend, and too easy to piss him off. I love him to death, and he can be the sweetest person. but he can also be extremely hurtful. I went there...blind. It wasn't a comfortable place to be in. It wasn't neutral ground. I didn't know the people walking around. I didn't know where the hell I was going. That was just a bad situation to be in. I didn't mean to upset him. *sigh* I wish I could go back and change the whole thing. I wish I could talk to him...without him being mad. So I could explain...or something. I don't know! AHHH this day is getting SO much better by the moment. And my headache is back. (I'm sorry Dan.)
~Isn't it strange that a gift can be an enemy isn't it weird that a privelege can feel like a chore.~
So the point to this entry...is excessive amounts of change...and if you didn't notice the theme throughout the entry...I gave many examples. I change favorite bands a little too often...Silverchair, No Doubt, Incubus...I change crushes WAY too often. Because I'll think I found what I was looking for...and shortly after I announce this so called "crush"...I find out I was wrong. and Dan...changes his mind...about how he feels toward me. I never know what's going on. he told me once that he doesn't care about anyone...and now...he's all caring...and upsettable. I'm just confused. I have a rough draft to finish. And between 90 million interuptions...a headache...and some random disease that just hit me all of a sudden (I'm so scared that it's from random big nosed club guy.) My nose is runny. My throat is scratchy. I feel headachy and yuck. This isn't helping. I'm just pissed off at myself now. Ok. I'm done.
~If I hadn't made me, I would have been made somehow.~
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