10-31-00 Tuesday

~Not about to break like you do~

Let me just say, I'm annoyed. A little miffed. Maybe even pissed. I'm frustrated...but when am I not??? It only gets worse and worse...the harder I try. So even though it's a weak thing to quit...I think...considering the situation...it's the stronger thing to do. So, addressing the problem: After the events of today, and Aimee and my lunch conversation, I...I mean we have come to the conclusion that we've boxed ourselves in. This "group" of people that we tend to socialize with are extremely close-knit and antisocial toward everyone else. Especially The Posse. It's a very uncomfortable position...when you feel like you should be welcomed into a conversation and instead you're snubbed. For example, (since we spent all that time bonding with them) I figured we could join them in the lunch room and it would be cool. So we went in and sat down...but the only conversation between us and them was Aimee and Chris fighting (which went on all day) and Lisa talking to Chris. I tried to open the lines of communication 1st by asking Chris if he was going to join us for the Tonic concert (which I'm looking forward to even though I don't have any solid tickets yet)...he gives me a dirty look (that's ALL I've gotten from him recently) and says..."I don't know...maybe". So I tried again by making a joke about how something Chris said sounded like it was directed toward Aimee. He said "well, if someone is in a bad mood...they should watch cartoons" and I looked at Aimee and said, "hey...you should watch cartoons!!!" Chris looks at me, gives me THE dirtiest look. I wasn't impressed. Then they got up and left. They've got this "don't talk to us, don't look at us, don't bother us, cause we're The Posse" thing going on. So once they took off, Aimee and I (like I said before...a little miffed) went to Taco Bell.

~Some things are better left unsaid~

Topic of our conversation...just how shady all of this has turned out. I knew Chris before I knew Lisa and Aimee. He introduced us (kinda) and we just started hanging out. Things didn't get "weird" between Chris and I until Lisa, Aimee, and I were friends. (until he found out that I liked him) It went from us being cool and talking...to little to no conversation...to bitterness. I can't trust anything he says. I can't trust anything anymore. I don't know if what anyone says about this situation is true. Like...another example: we all (Lisa, Aimee, Chris, and I) walked out to Lisa's car this morning so Aimee could get her sociology. (Aimee and I talked about it later) but the whole trip...we were segregated. Chris and Lisa whispered about...Lord only knows what. And Aimee and I talked about how annoying it is when they do that. Later, Lisa tells us that they were talking about Brad...and how the whole Posse thinks that there's something going on with Lisa and Chris (they're not the only ones who've noticed) But why would they have had to whisper about it??? Aimee and I both know what's going on in that situation. We talk about Lisa and Brad ALL the time. SHADY!!! This is getting ridiculous. I KNOW that Chris doesn't like me. I wish he had the balls to just admit it so I can MOVE ON! Instead of believing I may have some slight chance if only I could become his friend. Lisa says, "we'll fix it". Fix what?!?! If he doesn't like me...there's nothing to be fixed. It's null and void. And I should get over it. But I can't because I still feel like a miracle could occur.

~The world is only temporary, everyone is scared that they'll be no one to...baby...baby...baby...you say this is your life. Well where is mine?~

I am the Queen of multi-tasking. Last night, I ate, dyed my hair, did my math, and did some laundry ALL at the same time. I was afraid I might have a pop quiz or something today. Nope...we just went over some stuff. Took a butt-load of notes. He told us to go over some crap. And that was it. The quiz is Thursday. AMEN! Cause I got so tired...(last night) I didn't finish my homefun. I can do that...tonight. Along with studying for an english quiz tomorrow. I do believe I'm going to go to the gym and work off some of this pent up frustration. It's better than going off on (most likely my brother) one of my family members. I'll go to the gym...but before I do that, I'm going to play with my car. (ok...work on it...but it sounds more...I don't know...satisfying when I say 'play') yes...work on my car. I'm such a boy. I need to figure out why the stupid piece of crap keeps stalling. I need to check my coolant and my oil. And pull apart the speakers. I think I blew one or possibly even two of them. (That's talent) I crank the bass...and the volume...roll the windows down and sing at the top of my lungs (usually because I'm pissed) so...they're rattling. It sounds like a whole lot of poo. THEN I'll go to the gym. I want to rollerblade today too. So much to do. (or at least to keep my mind off of things) I'm just soooo tired of thinking about all of this. It's just a bunch of useless words. No one reads them. No one understands just how upset I am. I was going to include a nice paragraph about how much I hate my family's chain of hand-me-downs...How much I resent my father...but I can't today. I'm spent. But that's what it is. words. that no one really takes to heart. because no one helps. I'm the strong one. I take care of everything. Well, I sure don't feel very strong right now. I'm gonna go work on my car.

~You took away all my anger...~

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