10-29-00 Sunday

~Open up your eyes, don't let your mind tell the story. Open up your eyes, just let it go.~

So much to complain about. So much to write...ya. Yesterday...was the big plans for the Posse Party. And I was on-call at work. So of course (because nothing ever goes my way) I got called in. So I called Lisa to tell her that things were ruined...I was extremely upset because the night before...Kim told me that they wouldn't need me. Anyhow, Lisa and I tried to make the best of it. The plan was: I would call her cell when I got off of work (try to get off as soon as possible) and they would come out and get me. So I weasled my way into getting off an hour early. I call the cell, and she's like, "sorry, we don't want to drive a half an hour to come and get you." So I was like, "nuh uh! I'll call you when I get home" (cause by this time I was really upset...and I wanted to throw something) Ben talked me into going down to Cinnabon to get him one...this was weird. Earlier he had mentioned it, and I said maybe I would. Then when he asked again as I was leaving, I stood there...expecting him to give me some money or something to get it for him. and when he didn't, I figured he'd pay me when I brought it to him. So I went down there, got the stupid cinnabon. Came back and handed it to him...and waited...then I was like...screw this...I've got to get home and call Lisa. So I bought Ben a frickin' cinnabon. I don't even think he had any intentions of paying me back. So I am now officially Ben's bitch. (this makes me really mad. Because if he knew...or maybe still thinks I like him...and he thinks he can get away with crap like this...I'm sorry...but no. I don't have the money for it. But if it was like, "hey...I'm broke right now...but I'm starving. Laura's my friend, and she'll hook me up." that's ok. I mean...that's totally cool with me. But I really don't like it when people take advantage of my generosity.) Anyhow, I drove home...cursing the whole way. And I called Lisa. She's like, "so drive out here. It's not that hard" and I'm sure if I wasn't a frickin' idiot when it comes to directions, it would have been ok. But I could get lost in a wet paper bag. Seriously...it's THAT bad. I knew that Kenton was a straight shot down 309. So we made a deal. I would drive a half hour by myself down 309...into Kenton...and they would meet me at the Dairy Queen which is right inside town.

~It's the way he looks at you. It says to me, "this isn't over." From the outside looking in, you say there's nothing sacred here...nothing sacred. You can bend but you can't break.~

So ya. 4 people met me at the Dairy Queen. Lisa, Aimee, Chris, and Brad. I was impressed. But then I found out from Aimee (as we were driving out to the party) that it was because the party was pretty boring...Once I got there, I completely understood. The Posse was there...and a few other people I don't know. Other than Aimee and Lisa, there were two more girls there. (From Kenton) So eventually we ended up standing around this big hay roll out in a field. Most of the time, we gossiped and whined about how we're losers. Lisa complained about Brad, I complained about Chris, and Aimee complained that there was no one for her to complain about. It was butt-frickin' cold. We were all whining about that. And so we went back down to the bon fire. The party...honestly was extremely lame. I thought mine had turned out pretty bad. But this was like...exceptionally boring. I'm sure it would have been better if Chris had talked to me. I was very upset because he stood there, and took the time to introduce himself, and try to make conversation with the two random girls who were obviously not interested...they walked away from him. They practically ignored him. I felt bad...and I wanted him to pay attention to me. So I was glad they treated him poorly...but I mean...it sounds terrible. But what do you expect. Everytime I tried to get close to him, he ran away. I've hung out with guys...most of my life. So I'm pretty comfortable when it comes to co-ed situations. And when I was trying to get him to...I don't know...fight back? I was messing around...and I grabbed the flashlight that he was holding...and he tugged back at first. But then he just gave it to me. So I gave it back and said, "well that's no fun". Now compared to the same situation with Brad...well, he fought back. I grabbed the flashlight, and he pulled on it...wouldn't let me have it. I noticed that I was doing the same thing as I was with Chris, and stopped because...ya. I didn't want that from Brad. I wanted -Chris- to...be friendly. I was explaining to Lisa and Aimee, that I don't know where the line is between us. I don't know what's "friendly" and what's "flirty". I can't help my tendency to be flirtatious with him...even though he rejects it. But what is friendly to me...may seem like flirting to him. I felt weird when I put my arm around him...but at the same time, my other arm was around Lisa. It wasn't cool at all. The whole night...I just wanted to sit on his lap and be warm, or hug him, or give him a piggy back ride, and be how I am with Rob, Goo, and James. I wanted him to accept how I feel and also accept the fact that I'm willing to wait for our friendship to grow before acting on those feelings. I wanted him to be cool with me like he's cool with Lisa and Aimee. I don't want to mess things up or make things worse at all. But I want to have fun with him. I'm capable of being friends for now even though everytime I see him...my heart melts.

~You wanted more, more than I could give...~

Moving on. So we ended up back at the hay thing...and Brad told this story about losing his pants...it was the funniest thing...because he got really quiet and whispered the story. And when we got obnoxious and loud asking him questions like, "why didn't you just get a new pair?" and "Where did you go to find them?" He stayed calm...and said, "save your questions...there will be a Q&A after the story". It was so hilarious. I totally understand what Lisa sees in him. He's absolutely adorable. And to be honest, if Lisa didn't like him...once I got all discouraged about Chris, I probably would have gone after Brad. Because in many ways, Brad and Chris might as well be the same guy. Which brings me to another upsetting part of the evening.

~I don't know when I got bitter, but love is surely better when it's gone.~

I was talking with Aimee...while Lisa and Chris were whispering about Brad, and Aimee said something that I had thought...but chose not to voice. Here's a little history: Lisa told me that Chris had a crush on her their junior year...and told her after it happened. So Aimee says, "You know, I think Chris still has a thing for Lisa." and I agreed that it was possible. Many things point to its likeliness. Earlier that evening, Chris' advice for Lisa was to just chill and not say anything to Brad (why??? Why not let Brad in on how she feels? If he doesn't know...nothing's going to happen) They are extremely..."flirty" with each other. This brings us back to what's flirting and what's friendly. But I mean...it's so obvious...that other members of the posse asked him if there was something going on between them. (When I was hovering around him...they didn't even notice that -I- was the one with the interest) Anyhow, Aimee and I decided that if we were to ask Chris, he would deny it. So we pulled Lisa aside and confronted her with it. She went off. And in some ways, I think she should look at it carefully and maybe ask him about it. But I totally understand why she got mad. The same thing happened when Andrew accused me and James of being that way. I was completely confused and upset about it...but I chose to look at things from his perspective, and I talked to James about it. We then set ground rules...and made a joke out of it by not touching each other for a week. So ya. That wasn't one of the better parts of the night. I took quite a few silly pictures. I lost my camera like 90 times. The best part...was when Aimee and I were standing next to the fire (Lisa and Chris were whispering about whatever, and Brad was sitting in a chair next to us) Aimee looks over at me and says,
A:"You know what I could really go for right now...and you're gonna kill me..."
L:"What?"
A:"You did hear the 'you're gonna kill me' part right?"
L:"ya."
A:"I could really go for some alcohol"
L:(laugh)
A:"You're not gonna kill me?"
L:"no...I think it's funny. You know what I could really go for right now...and you're gonna kill me"
A:"what?"
L:"A man-whore" (laughs)
Brad...does this shocked reaction thing...he looks at me...and then grins. Then I said,
L:"Would you like to be my man-whore Brad?"
B:"yeee...well, I don't know"
It was so funny. Later on, Lisa, Aimee, and I were all sitting in the chairs, and Chris and Brad were standing by us. I don't remember exactly what happened...but I said something about Brad being my man-whore, and made a gesture for him to come and sit on my lap. And he did. It was pretty darn funny.

~Never miss the water til the well runs dry. Never miss the sun til it leaves the sky.~

I don't know if I was trying to prove something...but I felt the need to be rude to Chris. I felt like a jackass after I did it...but I told him to talk to the hand. (at first it was kinda funny) Just because it was like flashback to the early 90's...but then I just...felt awful. I did other things I mean...but I didn't mean to hurt him. I don't even know if I did. I just sent an e-mail to Lisa asking for his e-mail address. Since it's so hard for me to explain what I'm attempting to do (even though he's fighting it every step of the way) I figure I'll either try and tell him in an e-mail...or just give him the URL...and let him read for himself. I know it freaks him out though. I wish it was different. I just feel like I'm running out of options. This "friend" thing isn't working out as planned at all. and I'm at wits end trying to decide whether it would be weird for me to call him and ask if he'd like to join me on an excursion to develop my pictures...whether he's totally say heeeeell NO! or if he'd make up some excuse why he can't...like me having to come and pick him up or something. (because no matter how big of a deal he'd like to make it...it's not a problem for me to drive out and get him. If it was...I wouldn't offer. If I didn't want to spend time with him...I wouldn't ask him to do things with me. Like come to my party...or come to youth group...) It's so frustrating. But...ya. I went to the Posse Party. And I have another roll of film...so hopefully *crosses fingers* my cousin won't be upset if I use her scanner again. I want to get them up asap so all of you can see my crazy college friends, and awesome pictures from my party. (my scanner is gay) I'm out! word!

~Love is overrated, love is hard to find. Love is overrated in my eyes.~


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