I guess that all you got is all you're gonna get...


10-27-04

~You called to say you wanted out and I can't say I blame you now. Sometimes you've got to fold before you're found out.~

You can think and plan and waste so much time expecting things to turn out a certain way...and it never seems to go the way you wanted it to. I've spent years of my life attempting to live up to everyone else's standards but when it all comes down to it, I'm a mess. I can't remember to send out my bills after I write the checks. I can't remember to bring my pants with me after I complained about them being wrinkled for a half an hour. I can't remember to take the envelopes with me that I set out in plain sight just so I wouldn't forget them. I can barely remember yesterday. So I guess I can't be upset about my friends forgetting my birthday. It really wasn't a big deal and I honestly don't care. The only reason I'm mentioning it is because it's just another example of forgetfulness taking place in my life. I would have happily forgotten it if I wasn't reminded by family. The point is, I and everyone else seems so consumed with things in general lately. I've been so caught up in everything Wapak...this job is taking a serious toll on me. I wish I could get more sleep. That would be helpful. But I don't have much time to spend on myself let alone others...by the time I'm out of work and back to the reality of Lima, the majority of the day is gone and I'm only left with a fragment which is usually wasted with backtracking because I've forgotten something again.

~Die young and save yourself...~

I'm in a rut. Nothing's gone my way in a very long time. No matter how much I struggle-I'm not getting any results, and that counts in pretty much ALL aspects of life right now. This isn't where I wanted to be at 23. That's why I've told several people that I'm not turning 23 yet because I'm still not done with 22. I really wish I'd stayed in school. I wish I'd done something other than get myself stuck in a life that doesn't require higher education. I want out of the duldrums. And for as much as I say that I'll go back to school eventually, I know I probably won't so I don't even put any effort toward it. It's a cycle that's deadend. That's pretty much my outlook as of this moment. Everything is a deadend street. I've been with Ryan for 8 and a half months (on and off lately) and since everything went the way it did, nothing's been right. Not really. It's been good. Don't get me wrong. I don't fully understand why but I'm happy just to have him whether or not I really do. That's mainly why it hasn't been...I don't even know how to describe it. We've had fun. We've been close and silly and stupid and everything that's important when it comes to relationships. I guess...I guess I know that he's not 100% happy and that doesn't make me feel very positive about my place in his life. He's not happy with himself or living with his dad. He's not happy with his cash situation. He's just generally not satisfied with anything. I know he's not completely over his 5 year relationship with Cassi. Their situation is tough. The way they split up...the years they spent trying to get it right...and here they are, 15 hours away from each other. She's living with her new boyfriend who's a jerk (or so I've been told) and she's not happy. He's not happy. I know they talk. He's told me. I know they talk more than he's told me (I've been told) and that's a little frustrating. Not because he doesn't tell me but because I don't have as strong of a relationship with him as I thought I did. The two of them went through a lot together and I can't compare. Sometimes it feels like he's just biding his time here with me until he can get his shit straight and get the hell out. And go back to Maine or Mass or Arizona or Buffalo...who knows. Wherever it is that he'll be happy. Sometimes it feels like he really wants to be with me and things will be great once all the smoke clears. But I'm afraid to ask. I'm afraid to stand my ground with him because I've learned from past experience that it gets me nowhere. He tells me he doesn't know what he wants and I feel like shit because I suppose I figure...if you don't really know if you want to be with me then why are you? Why do you keep coming back after we fight and break up? Why do you beg to have me in your life even if it's just as friends? I guess I'm just blowing more smoke right now. Out of frustration...because I'm not happy with my life either and he's the one thing I'm sure about but he can't say the same. I guess I'm jealous because everyone else has some sort of stability. Some fallback in their life. The good job, the dependable family, the perfect relationship, the great friends...that's what I get for relying on others. I used to say that all I had was me. What happened to believing that? But instead of listening to my own advice, I continue to be disappointed.

~As soon as you've got it you want something else...~

Maybe I just need to complain about something. I don't know. This is depressing. I have a job and I have family who tries to be there for me. A boyfriend who tries...I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Things get difficult. That's life. And I don't know why I'm trying to be positive right now. It's much too late for that. I guess I shouldn't take things to heart anymore. I shouldn't get so wrapped up in work that I take it personally. I shouldn't get so attached to guys if I know the ultimate outcome. I'm just setting myself up for failure. It's just a bad day.

~My stupid mouth has got me in trouble I said too much again...~

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