Scandalous 101


10-26-03 4:59pm

~Does it kill? Does it burn? Is it painful to learn that it's me that has all the control...~

This is a neverending dramatic story. I can't believe just how abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous it's gotten. Yesterday, I worked with Laurie until 3 (closing early on Saturdays is the shit). The whole day we discussed plans for the evening. She was going to Toledo for her mom's counsin's "panty roast". A party celebrating her divorce. The invitation read something like, "Lisa's divorce is final and there's only one thing left to rid herself of her X. She's going to burn every pair of panties he's ever seen her in. Join us for this celebration and bring a new pair of thongs size 7." Granted, it's an insult to the institute of marriage (cough cough) But it sounded pretty fucking hilarious to me. I hadn't made any plans. I'd called Jeff and left him a voice mail much earlier in the day...sarcastically informing him that he sounds like an asshole on his voice message. He hadn't called me back. Determined not to get stuck in that stupid cycle again, I said, screw Jeff and this endless phonetag bullshit. I made plans to go with Laurie to Toledo. She came over to pick me up around 4:30. Since it had been raining all day, she wanted to leave a little bit early for road conditions and such. We drive around this curve not a half a mile from my house and see this really nice F150 parked on the side of the road in the grass. There's this huge wooded area...we called it a forrest when I was younger but it's not. When we got closer, we realized that the truck wasn't parked there. It was smashed into the edge of the woods with a good two foot tree trunk embedded into the grill. Some kid was limping around outside of it. So we stopped. This poor 16 year old kid had been speeding around the curve, slid across the wet pavement and fishtailed up the curb and into the tree. His hand was bleeding, he had glass stuck in his hair, he was limping around trying to shake off the shock of the accident. It was so horrible. I let him use my cell phone to call his mom. Apparently, an older lady from my neighborhood had stopped before us and drove home to call the police. She just left this kid stranded alone after barrelling into a tree in the rain. Modern technology lady! Everyone in the world has a cell phone but you? I wanted to give him a hug so badly. Car accidents are extremely scary. I've been there. It sucks. But we tried to keep him calm until his mom showed up. Discovered that he wasn't the only one involved. He had a passenger with him. Another kid from my neighborhood...who took off in the direction of his house after it happened. We drove past him before coming upon the wreck. These boys were lucky to be alive. The front and back windsheilds were busted all the way out. There was a big dog cage in the bed of the truck. I imagine that's what broke the rear windshield when he ran into the tree. If that thing had hit any harder, it could have come all the way through and impaled one of them in the back of the head. He told us that he wasn't wearing a seat belt when it happened. But the bag opened up and kept him from running his head through the steering wheel. This tree was maybe a foot or two away from the cab. They seriously hit hard. The cops and emts showed up, and the kid who had taken off rode back to the scene with his mom. I used to ride the bus to school with him. He's only 2 years younger than me but I can remember when he was little. He looked like he smacked his face against the dashboard. His nose was bleeding and he had several cuts around his eyebrows. The first kid's mom finally came and Laurie and I left. Feeling like we did our good deed of the day. I guess Laurie's witnessed quite a few accidents that she wasn't involved in but that was my first. Insane! Later, I discovered that the boy I'd let use my phone had bled on it. And somehow, he got blood on my hand. It's just completely horrifying to see something like that. It's on television every second of every day but for it to actually happen to someone you know...it's scary as hell. Inches away from death...and all you want to do is call your mom. The person who gave you life. It gives me shivers because I went through the same thing when I was 16. Only I wasn't driving a nice F150 with airbags and safety devices. The cops told me that if I hadn't had my seatbelt on, my head would have gone through the drivers side window. Probably would have thrown my ass out of that piece of shit Cordoba. Needless to say, it left quite a bit for Laurie and I to talk about on the way to Toledo.

~This shit has made us crazy and we must get out...~

It's really fucked up...that things can go from such an enlightened perspective on life and the world around you...something else happens and you're right back in the selfish simple minded view of what's going on in your own life. Forget about the 2 boys who just about died 20 minutes beforehand. Forget about all the important things going on in other countries, other cities, towns and suburbs. Half way to Toledo, Jeff calls me. I don't really want to jot down the whole conversation but...just to get the point across...
J-What's up?
M-Not shit. You?
J-Just got home from work and crawled into bed. Remembered to call you back...
M-Oh ya? I'm on my way to Toledo. You should have called earlier.
J-Oh. Toledo? What are you going there for?
M-Party
J-oooh. Frat party???
M-Yeaaaaa. No. Laurie's cousin is having a party.
J-Oh. I see. Well I was going to ask you a question. But nevermind then.
M-You were, were you? What?
J-Nothing. You're going to Toledo. It doesn't matter now.
M-No really. You started it so finish it. What were you going to ask me?
J-Well, I figured since I was going to take a nap, I should call and invite you over for some cuddling. Maybe some spooning.
M-You're kidding! Laurie turn around! I could be spooning right now! (all of this was said in quite the sarcastic tone)
J-(laughter) You're with Laurie?
M-ya but dammit, I'm missing out on cuddling and spooning! Damn! That's too bad.
J-It is too bad.
M-Hmmm, ya. Sorry. I guess we'll have to do that some other time huh?
J-Oh we will. Cause I still owe you 17 spankings from your birthday. (He gave me the first 5 at Bdubs Tuesday and said he would save the last 17 for a more private setting. WHATEVER!)
M-Riiiiiiight. I forgot about that. Well, It's a raincheck then. I'll call you later okay?
J-Alright. Later.

~Hypnotized by the words you say. They're not true but I believe them anyway...~

Confuse me?! Come again. Was that an offer? Was that a blatant offer? Or was it just another ploy to get me in his bed? This boy is just too damn smooth. Let's lure her in with the one thing that no woman can resist. The sweet romantic idea of intimacy...you can't tell me he didn't have some crafty intentions behind that one. After all that talk about how beautiful I am and he'd loooooove to find out what's underneath my clothes. Give me a fuckin' break. Oh, I won't say it's not tempting. Hell, it's been awhile since I've had some attention like that. QUITE AWHILE! But c'mon! What kind of a girl do you really think I am? So at first when I got off the phone, Laurie and I went through the girly giggly -ohmygoshhewantstocuddlewithmeheeheehee- bullshit. And that's all I could think about throughout the entire evening in Toledo. Not to mention the fact that the "party" sucked ass. Met a couple of cool people but they were all chicks. The guys who attended this "party" were either over the age of 35 or total drunken Toledo-trash, hillbilly, underwear sniffing morons. Literally...underwear sniffing morons. It was lame. We left early. Partially because it sucked but also because Steve called from BG to have us pick him up. The guy that he rode to the football game with was being an asshole and wouldn't take him and his buddy Ryan home. Before we made it to BG, I caved and called Jeff. He'd slept for awhile and got up to go out and eat at Damon's. Told me to call him back when I got back into town. We snagged the boys off the side of Wooster road (they'd been walking toward the highway in the rain) and headed home. We got off of 75 and I tried calling Jeff but got the voicemail. Fuck that shit. I hate getting anyone's voicemail especially his. He seriously sounds like a complete asshole. "This is Jeff, I can't get to the phone. Leave a message and I'll call you back." It doesn't look like it sounds all typed out like this. But he says it in THE MOST cocky asshole tone of voice. Knowing damn well that he won't "call you back"...I hung up. I could picture it. He was sitting at home watching a movie with some random girl, looked at his caller id to find my name pop up and said, "I'm not answering that. It's just some psycho chick who calls me all the time." Shades of our evening chillin' on the couch...and it enrages me. I know I can't trust this guy. I don't trust anyone but he tops the cake because I know he's playing all sorts of games with my head. Probably 12 other girls heads too. But dammit he's smooth. He's got a line for any situation. It makes me sick to think that there are people out there like him. Yet I fall into the trap over and over and over and........

~And I don't trust you cause everytime you're here your intentions are unclear. I spend every hour waiting for a phone call that I know will never come...~

I tried to convince Laurie to go out with me. But she was dead set on going home to crash. She told me, "you need to get a hold of Jeff and go hang out with him tonight. Collect on that raincheck." I don't know why she seems to have this blind faith in such an obvious game player. She dropped me off at home and that's when I remembered that TJ bailed on me for my birthday. So I called him. He said he would go out. He felt bad about the other night. I had to drive out there and pick him up though. But that was cool because I just really wanted to go out. Drink a bit and forget about how lame that party was. By the time I got over there he had called Cathy and Jeff (different Jeff...the one he tried to hook me up with awhile ago. But now he's dating TJ's best friend from high school, Cathy. Right. All caught up on that now. I shouldn't have to go into such depth. Who reads this anyway?) I had no reason to dislike this girl. But the whole thing that happened when I was "hanging out" with TJ...when it seemed like he was trying to make me jealous with her and vice versa. It wasn't on purpose. But...hanging out with her for the evening didn't sound so appealing at first. Considering the fact that he's told me several times that she hates me or whatever. Why? Who knows. I never said anything or did anything worth hating me for. Personally, I detest the drama of bitch fighting over guys. But, to my surprise, she was really nice. She and Jeff seem quite the happy couple and we actually had a pretty good time the four of us. Ya for no mo drama!

~What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head. You should know better. You never listen to what I said. Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat. Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did...~

Jeff and Cathy got up to play a game of pool and left TJ and I to carry on a two way conversation. Here it is again. I'll regret everything I've said here later I'm sure. It was one of the issues that TJ and I had while we were hanging out quite a few months ago. He used to read my journal. Don't know if he still does. But he didn't like that I blasted the ins and outs of whatever happened with us on the internet. Understandable. But he knew that I had this journal the whole time. I never hid it from him. I think the root of the problem there was the fact that we didn't talk about anything pertaining to what was going on. But I wrote about it and he read it. It's easy to misunderstand someone's thoughts when your simply reading them rather than discussing them. And if you go back and check, I've made it a point in the past to stop writing about whatever relationships I was a part of. I never wrote much about Kyle and I when we started getting serious. I didn't even update when I was with Tim. This is because, when my relationships get to that point, the drama sotospeak...the exciting things worth writing about...stop. And I choose not to share the intimate details of my personal life here anyway. Plus, when I'm in a relationship, I have someone to talk about these things with. There's no need for thinking and overthing through my actions. It's the crazy silly shit that's fun to write about anyhow. Not relationship banter. So if anything had ever been serious with TJ, I probably would have stopped writing then as well. But it didn't. So I didn't. Which upset him. I don't know why. It's not like anyone really reads this trash anyway. But it did upset him. And I apologized. Dammit, I'm not apologizing now. I write what I write for a good reason. This is me, sorting through my thoughts and refining my theories. I would be a mental case if it weren't for the journals that I keep. So I'm going to say what I have to say and deal with the reprocussions later. Where was I? Right, so Cathy and Jeff slipped away to play pool. It used to surprise me when TJ asked about who I was dating. We really don't hang out much anymore. And when we do, it's large group settings and we don't talk to each other besides a "what have you been up to" here and there. But he's asked me on quite a few occasions now so I just assumed it was something to talk about. He asked me about Jeff (the Jeff I've been bitching and complaining about not Jeff, Cathy's boyfriend) I told him that we weren't dating. We've hung out a couple of times. Nothing worth getting excited over. No, I haven't slept with him. I explained that he's been pulling the "I don't want a girlfriend right now" line that TJ used to pull on me. And we laughed about that. Then he told me that when he found out that I was hanging out with him, he starting asking some people who know Jeff about what type of person he is. That was a really confusing run on. TJ asked his friend who also knows Jeff about Jeff. There. This other guy (their mutual friend) said that Jeff is a bastard when it comes to chicks. A fuck and run type. Which I'd already figured out on my own. Basically, he's a womanizing player. Yes. This has been established. Now, this is one thing that I appreciate coming from TJ. Ya, we've got Jeff warning me about "Dirty David" but I took that with a grain of salt because I knew he was just trying to make sure I wasn't hanging off of some other guys ball sack. He wants me all to himself right. HA! I don't know. That's what I assume players want. For all the ladies to be 100% infatuated with them yet they've got a harem tripping over themselves and one another just to have a moment with the owner of the ball sack that they're hanging from. If that made any sense to anyone else, I commend you. I'm inexperienced with these so called player types. Anyway, I respected that TJ was looking out for my wellbeing as my friend. That's not something you get everyday in my world. Then he started in with a conversation about regretting what happened with us. He said he's been thinking about "us" a lot lately. Eh? Come again? It really seemed sincere though. But if it wasn't, I'm gullable enough to believe the whole innocent act. Has he really been thinking about me? We just joked around about it but later during a different conversation about going to see Scary Movie the following night, (which would be tonight) he invited me to come along with him and the couple who were hanging out with us at the time. When I said, sure why the hell not...he said, "it's a date then." I blindly walked right into that. Don't get me wrong, I can't help but feel flattered when any guy asks me out on a date. It's a rare occurance. But dammit TJ! We JUST talked about the whole thing that Jeff was trying to pull with me. Which is exactly the same thing that TJ pulled quite a few months ago. Granted, I don't think TJ was trying to get me into bed with him then. But still, like I've said many many many many many many many times before, I just can't trust anyone anymore. My guard is up and I hate to say it but it's gonna take a whole lot more than simply asking me on a date in a tipsy whirlwind moment, to prove to me that we're not going to repeat April's chaotic episodes of irrational nonsense.

~Look for the girl with the broken smile. Ask her if she wants to stay awhile...~

So yes, I am going to the movie tonight. And yes, I suppose it is a date. That's what he called it and I accepted it as that. So that must be what it is. Right? But I have no expectations. Although I'm hoping I get a few moments to talk with him about what I'm thinking about the whole thing. This time, I think it's better to get things out in the open from the start. If TJ has now decided that he actually wants to date me, I'm fine with it. I have nothing against it. I did it once (kind of half assed). But I refuse to make the same mistake twice. And since none of this has been written in stone just yet, I'll move on to today's discussion with Shannon. She woke my ass up at 1 o'clock this afternoon. Questions about my CIC schedule. She didn't know how to read it. Once that was cleared up, she asked about my birthday and what was going on with Jeff. Holy Hell! It never ceases to amaze me just how nosey everyone is. Especially when it comes to my personal life. Honestly, is it that interesting to hear about every conversation I've had with some guy? That's why I can't believe anyone would take the time to read this. But, I gave up on respecting the privacy of myself and others and I gave up on trying to escape the gossip pool. I dove right in. Started with what happened on my birthday and got cut off around the phone conversation about spooning. She got busy and had to let me go. But she told me to stop in the mall and get my schedule and we'd finish talking then. It took me awhile because I couldn't stop thinking how stupid it was for me to get out of my warm bed just to drive to the mall and get a schedule that she could have given to me over the phone but I got up and showered, ate something, and went out into the cold. By the time I made it out there, she'd gone home early. Lord only knows why. So I called her from my cell to yell at her for leaving. She told me to finish my story so I drove around the back roads of Elida because I didn't feel like coming home where everyone here would listen in to my conversation. As I'm explaining the rest of the damn stupid ass story, I ended up telling her pretty much everything. She told me that it sounds like I'm getting played BIG TIME. So I asked her what she would do. WHY in hell would I ask for Shannon's advice you might ask. Because I'm tired of being played for the fool with all these womanizers and jerks. So I figured I'd go to the source of all knowledge and experience of the player/whore relationship. The queen of gossip. The master of lies and deception. None other than Scandalous Shannon. (I didn't just make that up. It's her nickname from highschool) And I'm sure I've spelled it wrong and I'd spell it right if I could find my dictionary in the utter mass of mess and destruction that is my bedroom. But...moving on. So she takes me through the basics of what we called Scandalous 101. Using Jeff as her example, she told me what I should do and say when he says and does the things he's been doing recently. How to play the game right back you see. Now, I've never intentionally fucked with anyone's head before. I probably won't even do it anyway. This is definately the first and last time I'll ever ask Shannon for advice. But I think it makes her feel good to "help out" and be involved in whatever it is that I'm doing. This is our relationship. She's like the big sister I never had. The one that I really don't agree with but still look up to because she has things the way she wants them. No matter what means it took to get there or how many people she had to step on. Anyhow, she made me pinky swear over the phone that I wouldn't call Jeff. She said the first step is to let him come to me. And although I tried and failed with that before, I think she's right. I really don't have the patience for game playing though. And unfortunately, this is a battle of minds and wits. A battle between the master of playerism versus a gullable girl with an attitude. I'll probably be slaughtered...but at least I could say that I tried...I don't know. It's just a waste of time. She also asked if I wanted any advice on what to do with TJ. But I said no. Honestly, I think his intentions this time are innocent. I'm not letting down my guard just yet but we'll see. Speak of the devil, he just called about the movie. Ugh, I need to eat something.

~Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe.~

1:50am

You know...sometimes I could really kick myself in the ass for saying the things I do. I didn't even walk in his door before bringing up what I wanted to talk about. Okay, exaggeration. I sat down and ate half of a large order of Micky D's french fries first. Let the kicking commence. I almost feel bad about bringing it up. I feel like an asshole. But when don't I? I asked if we were considering our trip to the movies tonight an actual date. Which was a stupid question. But oh, it gets worse. He said it was up to me. Okay? So then I find myself explaining why I asked. "well you said last night..." I felt like a dumbass for even bringing it up. I just can't leave well enough alone. He tells me he doesn't really like talking about emotions and such. Ya, I figured that out a long time ago. But I was only asking if it was a date or not. So I said something like, "well it's not like we didn't date before right? We turned out ok as friends afterward. So what's this going to hurt?" He agreed. I think we came to the conclusion that it was a date. I'm not sure. He said something about actually wanting to be in a relationship with someone. Which surprised me. He says he's really matured in these past few months. With living on his own and being promoted at work. It seems like he's getting himself on track. Which is exactly what I've been so caught up in myself. But here I am...Captain can't drop it and leave it at that. I come up with this queer ass analogy. I was listening to Nada Surf earlier today. That Popular song. He's never heard of it. That didn't help. But the guy says something about dating one person for only a month because it gives you a chance to date around and find out what you're looking for. Which reminded me of this movie Sweet November. Then again, it's one of my favorites and everything reminds me of this movie. But that made me think that TJ and I only "dated" or whatever for a month. When he mentioned wanting to be in a relationship, it got me thinking. (This is how my mind works. It probably sounds like insane babble but it works for me.) I brought up the movie. The plot is something like, the lead chick has a terminal illness and rather than cutting herself off from dating, she's decided to date guys for one month. There's a whole seperate side plot about how the lead guy character is horrible with relationships because his job consumes his quality of life and she wants to help him overcome that...but that has nothing to do with this. There's a line from it that I can't remember exactly but he asks her why only a month and she says, "because it's long enough to be meaningful but short enough for feelings not to get hurt." Or short enough not to get attached. I don't remember. But I'm spilling this retarded story to TJ and he's looking at me like I'm a moron. I was trying to get to the point and he asked me if I was dying or something. hahaha. Dammit I'm no good at this shit. The terminal illness thing had nothing to do with it either. I was just trying to explain that we kind of dated for a month before, so why not attempt to do it again. Set the month limit, or anytime before the month is over for that matter, so either one of us can bail if it's not working out. Since we did end up okay before, if one of us were to bail, I don't think either of us would be extremely heartbroken. And I think he understood what my ridiculous roundabout story meant. But right at that moment, Cathy and Jeff showed up for the movie. I didn't think I'd get an answer when the door opened but he said inconspicuously...so as not to let his friends in on what we were talking about..."ya. That sounds like a good idea."

~Things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do...~

So that was that. We went to the movie and then sat around the apartment watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy waiting for D to show up so he and TJ could go dvd shopping. It was hilarious as I was walking out the door though. He asked what I was doing tomorrow and I said I have the day off. So he told me he'd call me or I should call him. Then he asked, right as I was leaving, "do you still update that internet journal?" hahahahahaha. I told him I do. And then he asked what the url was. "it's what? angelfire something. I'll have to read it later." shit. I found that to be quite entertaining because all I could think about was what I had written earlier today. What can I say? This is what goes on in my head. It's not fact, it's often contradicted. You can read about what I was thinking last week and how I changed my mind 10 times the very next day. It won't get you anywhere. You can go back through 3 years of my constant nonsense and it still won't get you anywhere. You can read my poetry...in fact, I think there's one about almost every guy I've dated within these past few years. And even THAT won't get you anywhere unless you're Tim or Kyle. I was pretty obvious with the titles of their poems just for the purpose of personal closure. This is what people don't notice about me. I don't hide things. You could ask me anything and I'd answer honestly. If any one of my X's wanted to know which poem was about them, I'd tell them. They suck, because I can't write for shit anymore, but whatever. It's pointless to try and keep secrets around here anyway. This town is so damn small and everyone knows my business no matter what I do. I've found that it's less appealing for them if I just tell the damn truth in the first place. Makes things boring and less of a challenge you see. So I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'll bare my soul if you ask. You can step on it (I'm used to that) or you can respect my openess. Makes no difference to me. But I guarantee I'll be more likely to respect someone in return if given the authority to speak my mind in the manner I choose to do it. And I'm rambling. I guess the point I'm getting to is, I won't disrespect anyone on here unless they've disrespected me. Often, they don't know that they've disrespected me...or that this damn thing even exists. Usually, I'll write about it, and things are resolved within the next day. So it doesn't even matter. It's just a way to vent frustrations and think through things before acting anything out and getting myself into trouble. So instead, once in a great while, someone reads something they didn't want to hear and they get upset. I'd much rather deal with that. (since it hardly ever happens) then not taking the time to think and write about what's going on so I can clarify my thoughts before opening my mouth and pissing people off. It's a crutch. A bad habit. I know. It's addicting like cigarettes. I guess I must just have an addictive personality. There's no good explaination. And I'm tired of trying to make one up. So I'm going to go to bed now. Eat first because I'm still dying of hunger. Then sleep. Until late tomorrow afternoon. Yes. That sounds good to me.

~You may be blessed by your own ghost.~

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