Late October Review
October twenty-fifth 2001 (four days post 20th birthday shock) A summary of the entire month...
"I don't want to talk to you anymore; I'm afraid of what I might say. I bite my tongue everytime you come around, cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground."
~Incubus
09-24-01
I've recieved 2 e-mails about the last entry...one happened to be a lecture from a parent. And the other, congratulated me for having the balls to be honest and for saying what I feel. (and obviously what others were also feeling). I'm not trying to stir up controversy. I'm not trying to make parents mad because I don't happen to like the way their son is treating people, including me. I don't like being accused of "not doing my homework". Especially when someone's opinion happens to be a bit jaded or biased because it is...after all, their son. And I really don't know what a certain "boy from Marion" has to do with any of this. I'm not holding anything against Casey's mom. I'm sure she has good reason to stand up for her son. But no one should accuse me of not getting my story straight when their story couldn't possibly get any more crooked.
I do know that Casey has lied to me on several occasions. He's lied to me about Kyle...and he attempted to lie to me about Finish Line. But it's hard to lie to someone who knows the manager personally, and who was told by the manager...that it wasn't Casey's size...or his ability to work that got him in trouble. His sales weren't up to par. He didn't quite grasp the concept of retail, and his customer skills were poor. (granted, these things can be learned over time) But he tried to tell us all that he was the best salesperson that N8 had, (no, that's Kevin and Mara) and that N8 told him that he'd be management in no time. He thought that just because he was covering a manager's shift meant that he had manager's responsibilities and that he would be running the store. I've been working in retail for almost 4 years, and I'm just now getting promoted to management. I don't think he understands everything that goes into a job like that. He's knows nothing about loss prevention, shrink, inventory control, visual merchandising, customer relations, or good quality salesmanship. No one wants to deal with a kid who's got an attitude. Certainly not one who screws up the schedule one night, and then doesn't show up for work twice. I'm not sure on Finish Line's policy, but where I work, the rule is, 3 strikes and you're out.
Am I wrong because I insulted Nicole's boyfriend? maybe. But that had nothing to do with her until she made petty references about me to a mutual friend. I attempted to show her that she shouldn't blindly believe the things that Casey told her. And when several of her friends have been pointing out the truth, she ignores us and casts us aside. Like we have no idea what we're talking about. When she wasn't even there.
I witnessed her break up with Tyler. I was there for most of the relationship. And after it all happened, I believed what Nicole told me. Tyler was a liar and she couldn't be with someone who didn't believe in God. Which made me believe that Tyler had decided no longer to believe in God. Later, I talked with Tyler, and found out that he was sick of being persecuted for everything he did. He didn't stop believing, his beliefs changed. Now I can see why. I'm not saying either of them were right or wrong. They both did right things, and they both did wrong things. I still consider both of them close to my heart. And that's why I've said the things I have to Casey, and that's why it hurt when I heard what Nicole had to say about me. It has nothing to do with getting my story straight, or Mike. (I honestly have no idea how that came about. It's totally off base here.) I do have my own problems to deal with. And I'm dealing with them. But when someone I've considered my best friend is getting herself into a situation, That's my problem also. (or at least I thought that's what friends were for) I was concerned...and that's called friendship.
As for continuing a friendship with Nicole, I consult our past. Because if you don't learn from it then you're destined to repeat it. When I had a tough schedule to work around, she left me out. And for the past 2 years, I've been overshadowed by her other best friends. I don't even think I've ever heard her call me her best friend. It was something more like, "my friend Laura" or "my other best friend." And there are plenty of other past experiences with her that I'm fighting to forget...
"From now on I'm gonna start holding my breath when you come around and you flex that fake grin; cause something inside me has said more than twice that breathing less air beats breathing you in."
10-20-01 Sweetest Day
I've been bitten by bugs from my past. Lately...people I used to think I knew. Like this guy I dated for a very short time my senior year of high school. He hit on me. It was a sad sad thing. He looked me upa nd down and said, "nice shoes." I couldn't help but to think about how much I wanted to bash his face in a couple of years ago. Instead of being flattered, I was just bitter. James and the Rockhold's stopped in the store (where most of my time is spent). They didn't really have much to say. I'm worried about them then again, I'm not. I know they're big kids now. They're supposed to be able to take care of themselves. But I miss them. Mostly James of course. I miss the old James. It's been such a long time since I've had a talk with the old James. I've been falling backward. I'm not moving forward as I should have been once I graduated. The plan was to go to college, finish the last four years of my schooling as quickly as possible, then move on with my life. Get out of this house and away from these people. That's slowly turned into impossible. I'm in a bit of debt. I have a job. Supposedly with a great chance of promotion. And that was great two months ago. But now I'm thinking it's not such a good idea anymore. I love where I work. I love the people I work with. But how long can I work there? How long can I continue to make diddly squat and be happy? Not too long ago, I thought I was pretty darned independent. Now??? Definitely not. I couldn't move out on my own. It's next to impossible. I can't finish school if I'm living on my own. The way it's looking, I won't end up going back until I finally do get promoted. That could be months from now. And I think if I don't get promoted by the first of the year...that may just be the end of that. Eh? I think today is the most depressing Sweetest Day in the history of Sweetest Days. (Ok, I needed a bit of drama.) Tomorrow is my 20th birthday. Sadly yes. I'm sure there are more pathetic cases of adults living with their parents. But I'm living mine. Which makes it much worse. Here's why I'm complaining. It's Sweetest Day. And my "Sweetest" is stuck at his mother's house staining her deck for her. Then, she "surprised" him with a night out to his dad's band's show. He's thrilled. And so I get a whole day of no Kyle. Plus, tomorrow on my 20th birthday, I'm going out with the girls from work to see a movie (even though I'm totally broke). Kyle is closing. So I won't see him until tomorrow night. It's painful to be without him for so long. And worse yet...on my birthday.
"So from now on I'm gonna be so much more wary when you start to speak and my warm blood starts to boil, that seeing you is like pulling teeth and hearing your voice is like chewing tin foil."
10-25-01 Post 20th birthday stress
You'd think getting older would be exciting or something not quite what it really is. It's growing up. And honestly I'll be the first to say that I'm just a kid in an even bigger kid's body. I don't belong in the grown up world. I wanna play. And do the things I missed out on. Now that I have a job to pay for it myself. It doesn't seem to work that way. I'm 20 years old. That's like 140 in dog years! Which is just too freaking old. I'm too old. And I'm not even old enough to drink legally... I know, I make no sense. I have no sense, so how do you expect me to make some? Since I've bored you with 2 other entries that I wrote a long time ago (just was too lazy to put them up) I'll only say a few other things. I went to see Riding in Cars with Boys. It's excellent. And BIG props to Incubus. The new cd is so awesome. Incubus is currently my most favorite band. (you were right Kyle, I do like them more than you. So HA!) One more thing...Kyle and I are STILL together. Yes, it's true. And happily so thank you. It's 8 months this Saturday. (I'm patting myself on the back for this one) Have a good weekend. I'll see some of you at the show on Saturday. Headliner...and Matt/Tony's new thing...once again, the name escapes me. 8:00pm in the building by Elida Elemetary.
"I wish you were here"
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