10-24-00 Tuesday

~There are times when I can't seem to understand at all~

Well, spirits have returned. I'm feeling quite a bit better then before. Mostly because I've spent the past few days straightening things out with Chris, and hanging out with my peeps. Yesterday...was crazy. (ya...I had class) Lisa, Aimee, and I all stayed late to check out this thing...some music hour or something...it was Spanish flava!!! It was ok...it would have been better if this chick wasn't dying through the whole thing. I don't know what her problem was, but she had an inhaler...like every 5 seconds, we hear this raspy psssshhhh noise. Terrible. It was bad. Since Chris had told me the night before (at work) that we would talk on Monday, I figured after the show...would be a good time. So I walked up to him (and the Brad and Chris posse) in the lobby, and asked if we were going to talk. He's like, "My ride is going to be here in 5 minutes." So we didn't get to talk. That was kind of...I wasn't too happy with that. It had been on my mind too much. It was all I could think about. And the only way it would stop (or at least cool off) was if I had a conversation with him about it. I was complaining to Lisa...and finally just told her to call him and give him my number. I went home, and found myself lying in my bed...listening to emo (which is never helpful when you're depressed) So I called Aimee. She mentioned wanting to go shopping...so I figured we could call Lisa and do that. But she had to work. So I called Lisa to see what she was up to. She was editing her paper for english (I hadn't even started...) plus she had to go to work. So I was...blah. When Nicole got off of work, I had plans with her to go to the gym. So I ended up taking cake to James (after talking to him on the phone the night before...I just wanted to see him...I worry too much) Goo was there, and Audrey has chicken pox. So she kept touching me...and laughing like it was funny. She's a cute kid (sometimes) But I wanted to scream at her. It was totally not cool. And if I get pox...she's dead. Anyhow, I convinced the boys to join Nicole and I at Applebees after the gym. So we worked out...I came home to change, and she went home to change. I swung past James house and picked them up, then drove out to Nicole's and we went to Wal-Mart to drop off party pictures for 1 hour photo then skipped over to Applebees. THAT was an adventure. We were loud...and obnoxious. It was hilarious. Goo spilled a half a glass of water in Nicole's crotch. She wasn't very happy about it...and so he got the rest of it in his. She'd called my house before I picked her up, and my mom told her that someone from work had called for me. So I used the pay phone to call in and see what was up. Shannon said that Erin's schedule got mixed up, she had a banquet and they might need me to work. So I told her I'd call in today at about 4pm. (they didn't end up needing me though. Sean said he'd work) So anyhow, James asked our waitress for a balloon...we made the biggest mess. She was upset...but we left her a $10.00 tip. So whatever. Wal-Mart...(turds) didn't finish developing our pictures...so we had to wait until today to get them. (that made me mad. I wanted to take them to school today) Ok...let me finish last night.

~Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there. With open arms and open eyes~

So I get home...hoping that Chris hadn't called yet...or that he called and left his number so I could call back. It was like 10pm closer to 10:30, and mommy gives me the message. He called twice. So I call...and he's like, "Thank God you called!" I don't know...I think that was like false hope. I knew what was coming. But for a moment...I thought that maybe he'd changed his mind. So we dug deep into the relationship conversation...and I swear...it was word for word...the same exact conversation I had with Andrew a few months ago. Which made me feel like crap. I'm not learning my lesson here...and I'm reliving things like de-jah-voo. But it didn't finish the same way Andrew and my talk did. He's all for being my friend. And I'm happy about that. He's really...an awesome guy. And I think...just within these few short weeks...he's grown on me. I don't know what days at school would be like without saying hi to him. Or harassing him about being friends with Brad. I mean...don't get me wrong...I am in NO way satisfied with his decision. But that's just it...it was HIS decision. And I can't change his mind. I see his friendship with Lisa...and I really...wish I could be that close with him. He's easy to talk to, (kept me on the phone until midnight) and we have so much in common. He grew up on the other side of my neighborhood. Moved out a few years before I moved in. That's insane. We talked...about everything last night. I still...I can't turn off these feelings. But he's too important for me to ruin what's there. He made a point not to ignore us as much today...he even sat with us in the lobby (for about 15 minutes) then moved over to (one of the Chris' or Brad's) They had a huge "communicator battle" (The Communicator is like the school news letter...they crupled them all up and threw them at each other. Everyone in the lobby got into it. It was pretty crazy) then they (the posse) headed for the cafeteria. At least he's making an effort. I tried to explain to him that "being friends" means more to me than acknowledging someone is alive. I put a lot into my friendships. I care too much about my friends...and his friendship with me leaves much to be desired. I understand that he's quite dedicated to school, family stuff and such. I just can't live without chillin with my homies. and I don't see how work work work work work work work is beneficial. He'll hang with me...one day. We'll chill...oh yes. we WILL chill. (laugh) I told him that he could have the web address now...but I think it freaks him out. He doesn't want to read what I write about him...(silly boy) I don't think it's a big deal. If I did...it wouldn't be on the page. I leave things out. You wouldn't think so...but not only is my life THIS dramatic...but there are things I don't even put up here. *shakes head* and it sucks...(back to the Chris thing) and it blows. But I'm cool with it. In fact...while I was sitting by myself in the lobby, (doing my devotions) I found a few things that might be helpful to Kissifer. I wrote down some verses for him...and waited for him to get out of chorus. He said he'd look them up...(good boy)...and I walked to Galvin with Ben.

~I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it, let's walk away from this hell~

Ya...walked with Ben...talked about work...he's been working on campus...(and with me at gadzooks) talked about being tired. Then some chick standing outside Galvin says, "Hey I'll give you guys some stuff for free" or something like that...I assumed she meant drugs...and I shook my head and walked past her. Ben on the other hand asked "what kinda stuff?" she said, "c'mere and I'll show ya" and he's like, "uh (laugh) sorry, I gotta get to class." That was so hilarious. Stupid people crack me up. Ben does too...He was like, "ya whatever hoe." (not really but that's what I heard) laugh...sigh...*head shaking again*. So I about fell asleep in math...I was so tired. Tonight, I'm getting at least 8 hours. Even though I have my theatre mid-term tomorrow...and I haven't studied yet. I have to find the disk with my Hamlet paper on it from last year...print that sucka out so I can use it for the essay (sneaky sneaky) I'm not gonna write about something I've already read and written about. That's just dumb. it would be really stupid of me NOT to use this to my advantage. It's not like I really need a super good grade on this to pass. I've got an 'A'. But I'd like to uh...keep it that way. And since I can't seem to find a local play to see...I probably won't do that paper. So that's a big fat 'E' for me. and if that's the only one...no big deal right??? Unlike my math mid-term that I got back today...yup. I got a 'D' on that. Didn't even think I'd get that good of a grade. OUCH!!! I finally pulled off all of my stupid fake nails from my costume. UGH that hurt. And Aimee's twist-tie ring is cutting off my circulation.

~Is patience still waiting??? Will I wait on my knees too?~

So I drove past the high school today (at like 3:30) on my way home from school. Thinking Nicole wouldn't still be there picking up Rob. But of course...she was. Crazy Jon was there too. (we're such losers...hanging out in the high school parking lot) All the skater boys were wheelin' around. Jonas gave me a hug...and grabbed my behind...(he's not usually like that) AJ was there...and Matt. I wanted to say hi to him. (because I'm so glad that we broke down that wall at my party...he gave me a hug for cryin out loud) but I didn't say anything. He was talking to Dave...the new kid that looks like AJ. So whatever. I'm still happy about it. Nicole gave me my pictures...and I didn't find ONE of Aimee, Lisa, and or Chris. They didn't come out. So I'm hoping Aimee's pictures are good. I'll borrow them...scan 'em and put them up as soon as possible. There are a few good ones. But mostly Rob's hair cut...Nicole's dog...and Dakota (her dad's girlfriend's grandson) He's so cute. In his little Tigger costume. I love that kid. We (Nicole, Rob and I) went out for food. (I'm officially broke now) It was good fun. On the way home...Rob found a Cosmo in the backseat, and busted it out. Story Time with Rob...Kama Sutra positions for dummies. It was pretty funny. It has "degree of difficulty" and "wild rating" so you know just what you're getting yourself into. Positions like "The Sexual Seesaw", "The Randy Recliner", "The Erotic Accordian" (Aimee!!!), "The Passion Pretzel" Then Rob was talking about how he had a pretzel for lunch...Yes folks "The Orgasmic Olympics"...what will they come up with next??? Oh...and my next paper for english...the topic...is same-sex marriage. I'm so psyched. We were watching The Birdcage in there today...and I could almost swear Dominic kept looking at me...I'm paranoid now. Everytime I moved something...I turned a page in my notebook, and I could see him look over in the corner of my eye. grr. I don't...no. It's just not right. I was fine...just watching the movie...It's not like he's ugly...or anything...I don't know him...at all. I could be imagining things. Time to take a nap...get up for dinner...and then study. I'm exhausted.

~You always say goodnight.~

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