Smiling back at me through my tears...


10-23-03 9:51pm

"...like a silent film character when you feel your true love would rather run away and be with the villain, little do you know that love was just kidnapped or borrowed, set up somehow for you to save them." -Mraz

Wow, I really needed to catch up on my reading. I backed off on my ridiculous fanatic obsession with Mraz quite awhile ago. The only thing I continue to do is read his journal. I'm sure I've said it a thousand times but he has a way with words. The way he writes...anything. Lyrics, posts on the MB, journal entries...I'm always thrilled to be sucked into what he has to say. I missed three updates in his journals this month already. Shame on me. Another thing I find interesting is that he doesn't call it a journal. Maybe it's not manly enough. That's what it's called on the main page of his site but he refers to it as a "newsletter". I like that...and I fear I may just steal it. How does "Betty's Newsletter" sound??? Silly I bet. But that's okay. *sigh* There's really no point to this post tonight. I'm just trying to keep myself awake for Laurie's phone call. I went to some Pampered Chef "party" at her mom's earlier hoping I could nab her for some talk time. You'd think I talk to her enough. We work together for cryin' out loud. But she had the day off while Kelli and I slumped around the office. If it weren't for Tracy's visit this afternoon, I highly doubt we would have accomplished anything. Speaking of Tracy...I think he hit on me today. hahahaa. I was bent over the filing cabinet pulling files for friendly reminder calls while we were discussing our ages. My birthday came up and he said, "oh, I'm such an old man." So I said sarcastically, "oh, you're old! HA! I just turned 22. I'm an old maid." He laughed at me and said, "hmm, to be 22 again. I'd get myself into trouble." Then I turned around to laugh at him and caught him checking out the junk in my trunk. Silly silly silly. Now that takes me back. I almost want to take a trip to Ft. Wayne to visit Chris. Just to see what he's been up to. What's up with me and perverted bosses?

~When I wake up and the day begins, do I hold my breath and count to 10 or will it be 3? We'll see. We'll see. It depends on which day of the week.~

C'mon Laurie...I talked to Tim tonight after work. Apparently they got an inch of snow this morning on his side of the states. I'd love to be there right now. Connecticut in the fall/winter is so beautiful. Although he was complaining because he's out closing swimming pools in this freakish frigid weather, I envy him. I think I heard a hint of jealousy in his voice tonight when I told him about my birthday escapades. He said, "I can't wait to come out there and meet these people you've been hanging out with." Not technically mentioned but more specifically, I'm assuming he meant Jeff. I was telling him about his touchy feely tendencies at the bar. And the fact that the only thing on that boy's mind is sex. Now I'm not trying to sound like the type of bitch who enjoys stirring up drama...but I'd almost pay to see that. Just for the simple fact that knowing Tim is jealous is synonymous with knowing Tim still cares. He's just not in any state to say it anymore. (at least not without a hint of sarcasm) Which makes me feel like my long distance efforts are assanine. But I like to think that our keeping in contact with each other, our new found appreciation for being honest with one another and relying upon this unfortunate situation for the love and attention we both really need is an unconcious act of accepting that we do obviously need this time apart but there's more than a slight chance that we could be together again someday. Lord knows I'm not banking on such a twisted, irrational inconvenience. Anything could happen. We're both still young and full of selfish hot air. But I know that I know him better than anyone I've ever cared to know. It's that complicated and yet that simple.

~Just as long as you stand...stand by me.~

And that's why I've taken his advice to heart. Yes, I love him. He knows it. But despite that, he still has the decency to realize that what happened between us may have been forgiven but it hasn't been forgotten. We're both continually doubting each other because it's easy to say things over the phone...and distance isn't kind. In fact, it's quite deceiving. Knowing damn well that if we were placed back in that very same situation, the outcome wouldn't change. Which is why I'm determined to set things right. IF, once I'm finally happy with myself and my own stability, I choose to relocate back to the ever wonderful state of Connecticut, I'll do it right. The reasons for wanting to be there may not change. Of course I'd love to be there with him. But I wouldn't do it FOR him. I wouldn't depend on him nearly as much as I did in the past. This is all a stack of if's and maybe's...and as I've said before, anything can happen between now and that point of my independence. Not only does the outcome rely on my situation but he's definately a large factor too. It's all just a crazy theory inside my head. Will it ever materialize??? I don't think that's up to me. There are too many possibilities. I'm getting to a point here I promise. All of this is why I don't feel strange for talking so much about other guys. It was Tim's suggestion to put myself out there. And although I don't think I understood it before...I was a little upset that he could tell me to go out and act like a single female my age should act. I guess I wanted him to be more protective of me. But now I see that it's a wise decision. At 22, we both have a lot to learn. I definately don't like to admit it. But I haven't seen everything there is to see. Maybe we shouldn't see everything together. But rather, share our richness of knowledge in the end.

~Maybe someday we can meet again further down the river and share what we've both discovered and revel in the view.~

Yes, Laurie finally called. It's gotten late pretty quick. When I started...it was barely 10pm. Now it's pushing midnight and I need to take a shower and get to bed like a good girl should. I was hoping she'd be more willing to listen to my bullshit stories from last night and today, then give me some of her neverending wonderful advice. But she's got a lot going on and needed me to listen to her for once. Reluctantly I complied. It's something I've always needed to work on. The give and take of friendship has been a troublesome responsibility for as long as I can remember. It's hard for me to relate to her sorts of problems. I can't empathize but sypathizing is my specialty. Listening to her in such a state of upset. And upset for a very good reason...humbles me. Because my "problems" are trivial in comparison. Dammit, I need sleep.

~Strange because I believe it is my future staring back at me...~

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