10-22-00 Sunday

~I subject my noswe to the grinding blows and I watch my skin erode...~

The day after…big celebration…big party…and I'm so awful. Currently bawling. I feel like I've been trampled on. Completely in EVERY aspect of everything. There were good parts. Like Kir being home, and Matt being absolutely wonderful. Like my college friends actually making it, and all the hugs. But that's all just surface. I wish I could explain how awful I feel.

~If I had the power to look beyond and see all that I could be, would I change my tune, would I spend a lifetime looking for a friend like me?~

First of all, Dan…who signs the guest book stating that he WILL be at my party…well, he wasn't. And I'm tempted to let Nicole empty his toothpaste out into a plastic baggie like she wants to. Not only did Dan not show up…but neither did James. Mr. I'm gonna come as Johnny Bravo. I'll be there. He wasn't. That's extremely disappointing. Because I hear he ditched my 19th birthday party for some other party…like it was more important. He went to Kir's house later last night…but he couldn't show up at his ex-girlfriend\good friend's party. (or at least I thought I meant something to him) I WANTED him there. I waited for him to show up. I think this ticks me off the most.

~Won't you come back now, I'm a mess, reeling from the agony of bitterness.~

So ya, yesterday, while we set things up and stuff, Nicole and I were almost at each others throats. She yelled at me at one point. Cause I was trying to help her cut Rob's hair. I've never seen her so obsessive about anything. I think she went a little overboard with it. That's all she could talk about ALL week. But once things got started…we both cooled down. I still...I'm really bitter about that. Nicole and I have been awfully close. And I don't want to lose our friendship over stupid things. It's really awesome for her to throw me a party in the 1st place. But I'm bitter...and I just need to stop getting worked up about dumb crap.

~It's the safest path I take, it's the safest stand I make, I am all I am and nothing I should be. It's the safest sand I stir, it's the thickest line I blur, I am hardly the foundation I should be. but I am listening, I am hanging on your every word...~

Here's the worst part…and it gets even worse later…let me explain. So Aimee, Lisa, and Chris showed up. I was so anxious before they got there. I was talking to Kir about it…and she was just like "calm down". It was horrible. I haven't been that way about anything…about a guy…seriously…since Danny. That's insane. So they finally show up, and Chris was just all…kinda showing off…introducing himself to people. It just wasn't…what I wanted from him. He walked away, and we started talking about him like we always do when he's not around…and he comes back…and so we clammed up really quick. He sits down and says, "you guys think I'm stupid…but I'm really actually quite intelligent" Hinting to the fact that he knew we were talking about him. Later on, I sat down next to him and said, "I know you're not stupid. You know exactly what's going on." And he said, "no I don't." then I called him a liar. He kept "raping" Aimee. And that of course got me a little jealous…so I ended up wrestling with Rob on the ground…and then they were like, "well, we need to get going." So I walk them out to the car…throw a big fit about how it's gonna suck once they leave…Which turned into a weird conversation about…just stuff. And a battle between Chris and Aimee ended with Lisa and I ramming face first into each other. And then Aimee and Lisa tried to be slick and do the same thing with Chris and I. Lisa grabbed Chris' "boob" and when I did the same thing…he pulled away. So I called him Mr. Resistance. Which ultimately ended up in a conversation about how this whole "thing" has turned into stupid high school crap. And I told him that it wouldn't be that way if every time I tried to talk to him he didn't throw up this big resistance thing. And he tried to deny it. Then said he would talk to me about it Monday. (or whenever he saw me next) Aimee and Lisa said they were going to come into work and visit me…and Chris said he wasn't...

~In the dark, in the streets, I've wandered away from you. Chasing moonbeams and meaningless dreams, and wishing I knew that You knew what it feels like to be all alone.~

I wish I was hungry because this ham and cheese sub tastes really good…but I just feel heavy. And sick. Today, I went to lunch with Kir. Which was great. Because I told her how impressed I was with Matt's behavior. I really…feel so much better about that boy. So, Aimee and Lisa did NOT come in to visit me…but guess who did. I was putting a shoe back up on the rack…and I get down…put the ladder away. Slowly make my way toward the back to straighten the clearance racks…and I see Chris. (someone with him) I hit him with a shoe. And he introduced me to his friend Tom. (the guy who he goes to church choir with…I think he told me he was his best friend once…I don't know) But as soon as I saw him…I started shaking (worse than I usually do) It's so terrible. He was being…a little rude. Not really. I'm probably making that up. He made fun of me. I don't remember exactly what was said…but he quoted me from the night before. Something about hurting…and that ticked me off. They were making messes on purpose…but they cleaned them back up. It wasn't a BAD visit really until right before he left. He said he'd talk to me later…about "I think you know what." Then he just dives right into it. How he's so into his studies right now. And he doesn't have time for a relationship and how he thinks I'm a "really awesome person" but he likes the way things are right now. Being friends with all of us…or whatever. It was all I could to do to keep from breaking down right there. Not just because he put me on the spot while I should have been working. Not only because he totally ripped out my heart and spat on it. But because of this build up of stupid stressful situations that I just can't handle anymore. I tried to plaster a smile on my face…and say things like, "you're just making stupid lame excuses" but I probably turned red…and looked like I was about to burst out in tears. I said, "ok, you know what. We'll talk about this later ok?" And then he left. Thank God I work with compassionate people who understood why I wasn't so gee golly gleeful the rest of the night. Then…to top things all off, Becca came in a gave me a half a dozen pink roses. And a card that says, "Who says you need a man to make you smile? Love ya!" I almost cried. No one has ever given me flowers like that before. (Lord knows I've never gotten flowers from a guy) She's so awesome. But it was just bittersweet.

~I see every stain consumed by the flame, treasured the night when I whispered Your name. Out of my darkness I called and You came, sweet redemption.~

I don't know anymore. I'm so lost and tired of running into dead ends. I'm frustrated with myself. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I have no shoulder to cry on. No one to fix things…to kiss it and make it better. I'm jealous of Nicole's relationship with Tyler. And Laurie's relationship with Steve…even though I know they all have problems. I wish I had those kinds of problems instead of issues with self esteem and loneliness. I wish I could settle down and explore my faith. Instead of stressing over a guy who really doesn't care. (which sure doesn't help that self esteem and loneliness thing) I'm a rock. Or at least I was. I should be stronger than this. I should move away from all this negative feedback. But I still have feelings for him. I don't even know why. It was just that first time he told us about how he was in high school…that first time we really talked to each other. Something just clicked in me. And I fell. Because he's so special??? Because he could be wonderful for me??? But things click too easily. And rarely ever do they click on the other side of the rope. Do I seem like something I'm not. Because every time a guy describes what he really needs…every time I see something in a guy that tells me it could work, he always says I'm not what he's looking for. And I feel less and less desired. Less and less attractive. And more and more worthless. And I've been crying the whole time I've been typing. It's just not getting any better.

~You're a carcass dead from compliments, smitten by fearful lies, no one ever wanted to see you cry.~

Heartbroken

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