Too much time has gone...


10-18-03 Saturday 3:31pm

~A beautiful girl can make you dizzy. Like you been drinkin' jack and coke all morning.~

It's this close to funny. I'm entertained by the dumbest things. But it was such horrible timing...it's ridiculous. I had copies of my schedule for CIC to drop off at The Seal last night after work. And I needed to make a stop at Hallmark to buy a card. Speaking of that, happy fuckin' Sweetest Day bitches!!! Anyhow, since I decided not to be a pussy by sneaking around through back entrances and such, I waltzed right in through the front doors of the mall. I did pick up the pace a bit. Hustled as fast as I could past DOC, made my left around the jewelry store then left again into Sealville. Thankfully, I made it there without any complications. Dropped off the copies with Emily and hightailed it out of there with my mind set on Hallmark. I didn't make it past the information center before catching a glimpse of familiar face. Mr. Kyle and his lovely companion to my right. But, considering the fact that the boy refuses to speak to me, I pushed on without so much as the blink of an eye. It's still hard to see someone that I shared so much with and realize he has no desire to even acknowledge my existence. A year and a half I put into that relationship. It may have been worthwhile if he spoke to me at the very least...but now it seems as though it was a year and a half wasted. Ya, and it's my own damn fault. Anyhow, I rushed into the card section of HM and picked one out quickly. By this time, I just wanted to get my business taken care of and get the F outta there. Not a minute later, standing at the counter, I looked out into the hallway (as I tend to watch my own back. I'm paranoid. What can I say...) and watched Jeff walk past. Thankfully he was headed in the opposite direction that I would be going once the chick finished ringing up my purchase. Oh, and just for the record, cards are fuckin' expensive. When I walked out the door, I might as well have been sprinting. The thought had crossed my mind...but I'm not one to embarrass myself just for the sake of not getting caught in a sticky situation. I figured that since he was behind me, I couldn't see him and therefor he could not see me. Determined to get out of that hell hole, I tried. Really I did. But I couldn't make it out the door before running into Dan and his roommate. So I stopped to make quick of the conversation. That didn't work out in my favor either. I ended up talking with them for several minutes about my nose piercing, introductions to the roommate...I can't even remember his name, partying for my birthday, shoes, etc. And then explaining why I was wearing a massive fake engagement ring. At one point, I looked over my shoulder to check if the coast was clear...saw Jeff almost right behind me and turned back around in utter disbelief when I noticed that he was walking right past without as much as a hello. He walked out the front door. And what a relief that was. I was a bit disappointed that he didn't say anything but then again, why would he? I ended up inviting Dan and his buddy out for a few drinks next Tuesday night. Birthday hell...I mean party...Then, as I was backing away and saying my goodbyes, Dan gives me a hug. What the hell is up with guys and hugs all of a sudden? They're nice. Don't get me wrong, but shit! I saw Nate the other day...I haven't seen him in over a year and I didn't even hug him. I hung out with Nate WAY more than I ever hung out with Dan. I don't know. I used to hug everyone like I'd never see them again. But it's weird to me now. I used to be one of those girls who would attack someone I hadn't seen in only a few days. I hung all over my guy AND girl friends. It's just not something that I do anymore. When I was with Kyle, he was always around...and if it wasn't him, it was Mikey or Ferda or someone else. And Kyle didn't care because he knew they were all good friends. I guess I got too used to being in CT with Tim...and there wasn't anyone that I knew well enough to hug or whatever...let alone Tim's jealous side. He would have ripped me a new one. Okay, enough babbling. Where was I??? Right. So, that was wonderful. Let's see how many people who aren't speaking to me that I can run into in less than 5 minutes? This is why I hate the mall.

~I love the way you roll excuses off the tip of your tongue...~

Work is going well. I don't know how I did it but I forgot how much time a real job takes out of the day. It's good. I think it's good because it gives me less time to waste on thinking stupid nonsense like that last paragraph. Instead, I spend my hours off simply being me. Still hanging out over at Laurie's on the occasion. We watched Identity last night. I've been talking to Tim when his schedule, my schedule and Verizon permits. He really has a way of making the bad things disappear. I decided to spill my guts and tell him all of what I had to say about him in the last post plus some other things that I wrote in my notebook. But rather than telling me what I want to hear...like some crazy plan for us to be together again...he was completely honest with me. He said he's still really messed up and doesn't know what to say to me about coming out there again. Trust me, it's not a decision I want to make right now either. After our last experience, it's hard to look on the positive side. He's still on his me, myself and I kick. I hate to say it but it's really good for him right now. So he suggested that I try going out more. Be the me that I was before I had my heart ripped out. He told me that I shouldn't have to try as hard as I have been. And he's right. If I wasn't so caught up in trying to impress the socially adapt...or hiding behind this wall of insecurities, I would have met a million great people by now. I guess it's time to stop acting like an asshole and avoiding the general public.

~It's guys like you that make me think I'm better off home on a Saturday night with all my doors locked up tight. I won't be thinkin' about you baby.~

Kelli's talking about hooking me up with one of her friends who goes to school at BG. Or this other guy who works at Ruby Tuesday. (she works there on and off) This is what I said to them today at CIC. Hook me up, don't hook me up. Whatever. I honestly don't care anymore. I don't have the energy or the patience for it and I'm just not all about that right now. There are bigger and better things on my mind. It could happen or we can all just go out and have a good time. Either way, I'm happy. Should it be that hard to convince your friends that you're not as desperate as you seem?

~What I am to you is not real. And what I am to you, you do not need. And what I am to you is not what you mean to me. You give me miles and miles and mountains and I ask for the sea...~

Today, I got off work early. The thought was stuck in my head that, I need a change. All these things inside are changing so I should change something on the outside too. I got the idea that since I just got paid, I should cut off all of my hair and dye it some crazy colors. Ok, not CRAZY. But enough so that it's an obvious difference. I drove all over God's green Lima and found nothing. No one was open and the places that were open were too busy with some stupid late homecoming hair do's. It was ridiculous. I called 2 places and drove to 3 others. Back and forth across town...what a waste of time. And the icing on the cake! (isn't that an ironic statement...my birthday is what? 3 days away.) When I finally gave up and decided to go home, I was driving down Cable headed toward Edgewood and I passed Kyle as he was turning into the Toys R Us parking lot. I fucking hate this town. Could it get any smaller? So anyhow, I came to the conclusion that, I just shouldn't do it. Someone is telling me that I shouldn't cut it off. Like Samson or something...I don't know. But I do need a trim at least. And I could use to fix my roots. It's so superficial. But dammit! It's about time I do something for myself. I'm a frickin' girl okay! Let me be girlie every once in awhile. Ugh. Speaking of that...I need to get in the shower and get ready to go out tonight. Ya! I think I've finally convinced Laurie to go out with me.

~I am rejection! I am redemption!~

10-19-03 1:05am

Convince...drag by the hair...eh. It's the same thing right? We went to Ruby's. That was wonderful. I had a glass of red wine and the most erotic slice of cheesecake I think I've ever eaten in my life. It was like sex on a plate. No joke. Then we split from Nicole and Casey and headed over to Harry's. Why are old, fat, hairy men drawn to places like that? There were maybe 3 good looking guys in the entire bar and 2 of them were playing pool at the table next to us. But did I have the balls to talk to them? Nope. Saw my old high school lit teacher. I still cracks me up that I'm running into these people in bars. So...had a drink there and then ditched out for a trip to Bdubs. Don't think I've ever been there on a Saturday night before. It was packed. We noticed the windows were rattling as we walked in. I apologize now, cause I'm still a little tipsy. Damn, wine hits hard. I'm dyin' here. whew. Okay, we picked a booth right next to the dj stage...area...thing and settled in for some conversation. What's my favorite topic? Hmm, I wonder. I couldn't help but check out Mr. dj. He was spinning AFI AND the White Stripes. If I'd been standing up, I would have tripped over how good looking this guy was. Like a long lost relative of Brandon Boyd. Damn. I tried not to make it absolutely obvious but holy hell! And I caught him looking at me a few times...so the anxiety kicked in. Laurie was getting pissed. She'd finished her drink and wanted to go home. But I was stalling. I would have been happy just to sit there and look at him a little longer. But she really wanted to go so she inspected his left hand. No ring. And then told me to talk to him. I said, "mmm, sorry. Not drunk enough for that." So she told me to either talk to him or we were leaving. Which would have taken a bit of work on her part because I drove. Here I am in all of my glory. Lacking every social skill available. What do I say? She didn't know either. So she said, "well why don't you give him your number? Write it down and give it to him and we'll leave." Steve handed me a pen. So I ripped a piece of paper off of something in my purse. "your name is Laura. Start with that." she says. hahaha very funny. Damn I suck. So I wrote down my name and number. I can't believe I got that far. Then she's like, "okay, we're gonna go stand over by the door. Give it to him and we'll go." They left me there...abandoned me. ugh. Well, I mustered up every speck of confidence inside, stood up, leaned over the partition, got his attention and gave him the number. It was like a lame version of the sucker punch. Or a hit and run. A drive by for fuck's sake. No words exchanged...based purely on physicality. I practically ran outside shaking like an addict in withdrawl. "You didn't do it did you?! I didn't think you would." Hello! I did. Then she's like, "damn that took some serious balls." Right. It takes large sums of scrotum to hand someone a piece of ripped up paper and run in the other direction. Need I mention the fact that my mother went to a shrink for years just to be diagnosed with "social anxiety disorder". It must be genetic. So besides the stupidity of tonights prime time event, I guess I am a little proud of myself. Baby steps right? Slowly slipping back into some state of normalcy. hahaha I love how I can blast all this shit all over the internet. Tell the world how big a mess of a loser I am. Why not. I think I'm going to take my sloppy half inebriated ass into the other room and curl up in the chair. sleepy sleepy sleepy sleep.

~I'm sorry that it had to be this way.~

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