10-17-00 Tuesday

~It doesn't matter if the beard is on the inside or the outside~
Dexter's Lab

Yes. It's time...for complain and whine. You know what he said to me today??? He said, "I don't know if I'm gonna be able to make it to your party..." I was this close to throwing a fit. Thank Heavens for Lisa and Aimee. Who were too quick to offer him a ride. I think I'm scaring him. Because he only said it as a reaction to me asking him if he'd be at Arbys tomorrow night...him saying "no...I don't have a car"...and then me offering him a ride. He's so scared. He's cowering in a corner...and I'm standing over top of him...with a gun to his head. I'm being pushy. And I'm almost doing it on purpose. PRESSURE!!! What else am I supposed to do? He knows...I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't hide how I feel. This is so terrible. But it's a blessing. Because maybe I'm not learning my lesson. I'm making the same mistake that I always make. And I'm gonna lose no matter how hard I push. No matter how big that gun is...it's just scaring the crap out of him. hahaha. I was talking to Lisa, and I said something about buying a gun...and shooting him with it. (at the most oportune time) he walked up and asked "shoot who?" and I said, "you" I am such a terrible liar. He knew we were talking about him. He said it the other day when he left the lobby..."ya, so you guys can talk about me now" and you know what...we did. But...my other option, is pretending like it doesn't matter. When it does. Acting like I don't care...and digging myself further into the pit of crushy/whiny/heartbroken mush. Rach said she was going to say something to him. She asked him about the party...he said he really wanted to go...he just didn't think he'd have a ride. I'm sure we can find a way to get him there...that's not the crucial thing. It's whether or not he wants to be there. Rach said she was going to make time to ask him about this whole...thing. And I don't know if that will help or not. I sit here, and know that the only thing that will make this better is if I sit down and talk to him myself. And sitting here, I feel like I could do that right now. But when I see him...mush. Not so much mush...more like anger. Because he can ignore me. He can look away. Makes me so upset that he suddenly has classes and things to do in the time we used to talk during breaks. Ok...it's gone too far.

~How many times can one girls heart be broken? How many?~

I'm still totally stoked about the party...whether or not Chris is there. (ok...that's a lie) I'm excited about Rob's surprise. And I'm excited about costumes...and seeing all my friends...(including some less than desired...some people I don't really know...some people that don't know me...and are only coming to my birthday party for free food or the band maybe...they might not even play) Not that I care. (I'm really stressing this careless attitude) Cause when I care...I get stressed. And when I don't care...or pretend not to...It's not so bad??? I'm stressin'. But yes...the party will be fun. I'm gonna dance, laugh, smile, eat, and not care. It's gonna be wonderful. I'm excited. And I can't think about anything else...except...

~open arms to understanding~

So ya. I would elaborate on my day. But...I'd rather not get myself into trouble. (I know...I shouldn't have, and it will never happen again) I'm holding Dan's toothpaste hostage. Talked to Andrea today, and she said there's a possibility they might not come to the party...and well uh, that's where I'll be keeping the paste. And that's where his birthday card will be. (is this funny at all? I'm trying to be funny if you couldn't tell) That's like the arguement I got into with some guy in the lobby today. He says Good Omens is sacreligious. They're reading it for one of the english classes...it's higher than mine...and I read the book on my own free will. blah blah blah. He made me mad. I'm over it. I don't know. I'm going to bed.

~Being funny and joking around...there's nothing wrong with that.~

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