10-13-00 Friday THE 13TH!!!

~Some things are better left unsaid~

I should have known today wasn't going to be so good when I woke up at 5 o'clock in the morning...got a drink of water...went back to bed and had the most odd dream. This is the dream...I was working...in a shoe store...and Kim was my manager...and Kenny Mortimer was working with me...and he had a twin. (if that's not scary...I don't know what is) I walk into the back room of the store...and it's like an abandoned party...it was weird. Then I was driving with Nicole...to a Wallflowers concert. (???) I don't even like the Wallflowers. Anyhow, half way through the show, I stepped outside and was leaning against this pillar...I look over, and see my parents. Then I was back on the road driving again...only alone this time, and I get to like a coffee shop, and go in, sit down...look next to me, and there's a Barbie doll sitting on the table. So I pick her up. Then look across from me, and see Kyle Norbeck. He asks if the Barbie is wearing a Hurley bathing suit, I look at her, and she is...he gets this grin on his face, and takes her...and walks away. I woke up. To the sound of Hootie and the Blowfish. (don't know why I remembered that...probably because I was like, "Ugh!" and turned off the radio really quick)

~Shut your mouth, hold your tongue~

I went to class, and ya...it was class. Took my english quiz...it was easy. Went to theatre...prof wasn't there...so we watched the first hour of Hamlet...which I've seen. (Mel Gibson and Glann Close) I told Aimee and Lisa that they needed to come to the show tonight, and they should bring Chris. I shouldn't hae said anything. Cause they were like, "maybe we'll come...maybe...maybe we'll talk to Chris". I should have figured that meant no they weren't going to go. I shouldn't assume that just because they're cool and all...they really want to hang out with me anywhere other than the lobby in Reed Hall. I shouldn't ask people things at all. Because I get my hopes up far too easily. (I'm sure they tried...I'm just disappointed that's all) Anyhow...came home...left again...cashed my check...went shopping at the store that I work in. Bought, a new pair of Candies jeans (too expensive...but cute) a t-shirt, and the Puma's that I've been drooling over since I started working there. I stopped in at Rite-Aid to try and find this glittery eyeshadow for my costume...but couldn't find it...instead, I got Dan's birthday card. His birthday is tomorrow I think. (If my memory serves me correctly) I'm just glad that we're over our last little quarrel, and that he'll be at my party.

~to see you when I wake up, is a gift I didn't think could be real.~

So I worked...with Kim, Sara, and the new assistant manager Shannon. She's awesome. So hilarious. I love her already. I was antsy...didn't want to be there. Laurie came over...and I wanted her to go to the show. She figured out a way to be there...but Steve had to come. So I was elected "driver"...If Aimee and Lisa were coming, they were supposed to meet me in the parking lot after I got off work. They weren't there. (I wish they'd e-mailed me or something.) Nicole was...and we sat and waited for Laurie, some chick she works with, and Steve to get finished. So they got in my car...and Nicole led the caravan. The whole time...Steve commented on my music. I couldn't tell whether it was positive or negative...but as soon as I mentioned it was white-boy Christian rap, he went off on some thing about how he's heard that name before...and may have met John Reuben. Finally, after some crazy mishap with the wrong road...we found the warehouse behind Tuttle construction...it was weird. I said hi to Ben, and Danny. Looked around for others...went inside...grasped onto Nicole...because it was dark...and uncomfortable. Saw Tony's band. Casting Shadows. They're good. I like it a lot. We missed Matt's new band. But after the dirt settled, Danny's new band came on...THAT was an experience. I've never heard anything like that. It seemed almost...psychotic. It sounded like some pounding...a lot of feedback...and someone being tortured to death. It was cool...(giggle) the guitar player...Ryan I think...Nicole used to think he was cute. But after the evil-looking faces he made combined with the strobe light...she was like, "uh...he scares me". She leaned over after maybe 2 of their songs. and says, "do you smell pot??? I think someone just lit up" We agreed to leave. It's just not something I want to be around. It's disgusting. So I gathered up my posse, and we headed toward the car. This is why I'm pissed. Because Steve always has something rude and awful to say. He was blasting Sean (a guy I work with) he happened to talk to Laurie...he didn't even know her name until tonight...Sean doesn't have a thing for her...and Steve needs to get over it. Then once we got in the car, I heard him say something that sounded like 'James'. That sets me off. I can't help but to defend him. But I didn't hear what Steve said. I was driving...like a crazy person...cause I no longer wanted them in my car...kissing in my backseat...and me up front...with some chick I don't know. They were comenting on my driving...and all I have to say is that if they didn't want to be there...than I didn't want them there. I turned the corner too fast...or slammed on my breaks. Do you know why??? Cause I was uncomfortable in my own car...in my own skin. Not only that...but (and yes I'll admit it) even though I tried not to get my hopes up about the possibility of seeing Chris, I did. And then I didn't see him, and I was just...really in a not so tolerable mood. I love Laurie to death. But tonight...I just didn't feel welcome...not only that...but I can never tell anymore...whether or not they're being friendly...or they're making fun of me. I just can't tell...and I don't know if I can trust that relationship anymore.

~I will hold you close if you're afraid of heights.~

So yes, I wish I had the chance to see my friends from school tonight. I wish they'd come to the show and saw just how awesome some of these boys are. I wish they were there to fill my car with good laughter, and some sort of comfort. I wish Chris had been there. The evening would have been 100% better. Because I might have had the chance to speak to him...and confess my problems...and maybe clear our so called slate. I could have asked him why he was so tempermental on Thursday. And why he won't let me in. Now...I won't see him again until Tuesday. and even then...I don't know how or what I should say to him. I'm being extremely negative...and I feel so left behind right now. I don't know why. I feel rotten. I hate that I can't deal with Steve. and I hate that I can't deal with my own problems. I just keep adding more to the list. (mentioning my disillusionment with Laurie's boyfriend is only going to piss her off) This isn't getting any better. I want to take it all back now. Is that ok???

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