Die young and save yourself...


10-13-03 Monday


~Is that what you call a getaway? Well tell me what you got away with cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish. I've seen more guts in eleven year old kids.~

I give up. Do you hear me?!?! I finally fucking give up! After several shitty attempts, on guys who aren't worth the skin they live in, I'm throwing in the towel. Have you ever heard of common courtesy? Like calling someone back when you tell them you will. Or maybe honesty??? If you're not interested, just fucking say so. Don't drag things out and make it stupid. Don't beat around the bush with your ambiguously vague comments. I'm a big girl! I can take it. I'd rather know what the deal is from the start. Make it short and sweet honey because I'm too damn old to play these games. If you haven't drawn your own conclusions yet...no, he didn't burn me. He didn't say anything worth hearing. In fact he said nothing at all. So I'm through with Jeff. Fuck you and your little dogs too! That's all I have to say about that.

~I'm sorry so sorry, your beauty...you're so vain. It drives me, yes it drives me absolutely insane. I'D EAT YOU ALIVE!!!~

I wrote a 21 page journal entry Saturday night. I was so frustrated with everything. I still am. With guy troubles, work, money problems, friends ie my lack of a social life. All I want is a good job and a good man. That's it. I'm not asking for much am I? I think I'm getting a hold on the job situation but as for love...I've dug myself into the deepest hole. And I've tried. But I can't even get past the first stages of friendship with a guy. Things just don't seem to work out. It's like a puzzle piece that doesn't belong in that particular puzzle. I can push and manipulate until my face turns blue but if it doesn't fit, you just can't force it. And then there's Tim. So far, he's been the one and only person who's stood by me. Even though it's a relationship based over the telephone and he's not always around when I need him to be, I can't seem to find anyone who comes anywhere close to his caliber. (Hey, he fucking calls me back too!!!) I love that man. I'm not talking about friendship love. I'm not talking about being "in love". This is a love that's so much deeper. A love like...like you would love the only person who really understands you. He is my comfort, my soul, my best friend and worst enemy to date. But it's just too easy to forget about that when he's 12 hours away and I can't see his face let alone remember what it's like to be held in his arms. Yes, Tim has his faults. He's a pothead though he'll deny it straight to the grave. He's a mental case. But hell, look at me. I'm a hopeless romantic-borderline love struck psychotic with no future plans and no fantastic qualities unless we're including best usage of the words fuck, damn and asshole. I'm definately NOT a knockout. Should I go on??? Na, I'm feeling a bit too vulnerable to pinpoint all of my tragic flaws. But see, those faults or flaws or whatever they may be considered, are things that make the two of us who we are. And he's the only one that I've really been able to accept for who he is. Granted, it took me awhile to tolerate some of the bahavior...but I don't know if I could love him as much as I do if even one of those things were missing. He just wouldn't be Tim. The Tim that I can struggle, fight, and shed tears with. Yet cuddle, share and make love to. He's my ultimate sacrifise. The battle lost but the war between my head and my heart rages on. Okay, I'm starting to sound pretty pathetic. As if I don't any other time. It's just...it's hard to relay your thoughts in this manner without sounding like a retard. But I've grown to realize that showing how you feel is a DISTANT second to knowing how you feel. I used to be pretty caught up on "showing" it. But now, all I want is to be with him again. Now that I know what's going on upstairs. Just to be...to have the chance to love him and hate him. To be there for him and take care of him. As long as it was with him, I would be satisfied. And if I knew he felt the same, I'd make it work somehow.

~How does it feel?~

As it stands, I'm at a loss. Stuck here in nowheresville surrounded by people who get their kicks out of knocking me down. The few friends that I do have...have lives of their own. Most of the time, I feel like I'm just intruding. I'm not happy. I'm definately not depressed though. Been there...don't like that much either. I'll admit, it's a little bit worse than this. Ya, a whole lot worse than this. I'm at the point where nothing else matters but me. Getting myself back to a good place. Where my world doesn't revolve around other people's petty shit. I talked to Tim tonight actually. I was feeling so horrible after the last 4 or 5 days of PMS induced pity me bawlbaby bullshit. Told him about this stupid guy. Just another guy to add to my blacklist I suppose. I explained my current thoughts on our personal situation. He laughed at me and told me to shut up and stop whining. Suggested a few things that I automatically refuted. And then said hey, you know what you need to do. I DO know. I need to get my shit together. Save every red cent and get my ass out of Ohio and away from the midwestern high school mentality. Then we moved on to less important yet more entertaining conversation. You know, I never notice the accent I picked up while I was out there unless one of my friends points it out (usually Nicole) or when I'm talking to Tim. That's probably why I don't like to talk to him while I'm around my friends. I'm sure they'd think I do it on purpose. But I get into the conversation and lose track of my pronunciation. I slip right back into the slang and twisted dipthongs. It's hilarious. We shoot back and forth like a tennis match. Even my attitude changes. I went from upset little midwestern girl to Miss thang east coast biotch in .2 seconds. He's the only person that I can insult (in a loving manner) and not feel horrible about it later. I stop saying "dude" like it's a common pronoun. I hate that word but out here, I add it to every sentence with ease. That's a tough topic to explain. I guess I talk here a lot like how I talk to Tim. I talk to myself in that manner. But I can't do it any other time. It's a horrible habit. I wish I could speak my mind like that every second of the day. It's not just an accent. It's an attitude. Then he played his guitar over the phone for me. There's this one particular riff that he made up while I was out there. It's so perfect. He never finished it but it's...it's beautiful. Talk about sentimental. Which he pronounces "sentamentul". In that short 40 minute period, he made me feel 100% better. That's what I mean when I say I love Tim.

~azwethinkweiz~

So I've been budgeting all day. Bored at work, I figured out what my paychecks are going to come to, how much I owe and how fast I can pay off certain bills. It'll take me approximately 6 months to get back on top of things. 6 months to pay off my credit card (I'm still paying for last years Christmas presents and it's almost that time again), 6 months to save any and every little penny possible. So I'm guessing that I'll be ready to pick up and move the fuck back to the east by next summer. Maybe early next autumn. Who knows what could happen by then but hell, it never hurts to try. And as of right now, that's the only place I want to be. But the grass is always greener. I know I know. And I don't care. I'm going to struggle wherever I am. It's the struggle that makes me stronger.

~heaven send hell away no one sings like you anymore.~

HOME
BACK

Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com