10-12-00 Thursday

~I don't want to let my life fly by. Do you ever stop, stop to wonder why...time flies by when everything is ok, it just turns out that life aint that way. Big decisions...overwhelming, and I know nothing's free.~

Metaphorically speaking, I think I officially turned the lights on today. My brain has been on hyper-drive since this whole crazy realization that I'm in excessive change mode. And I came to the conclusion that...I think too much. (actually, I KNEW that...) but I think so much that I cause myself to doubt. When I doubt...I change my mind...and I do that frequently. But I don't know how to live without being distracted by dramatic situations that I create myself. Life is boring without something exciting to think about. Like a crush...so who am I without these things. I HAVE NO FRICKIN' CLUE! and that's when the lights came on. I have a job...and I go to school. I write...but only about extremely emotional situations...which only happen when I create them. Then there's my current lack of faith...which ticks me off. There for about a month, I was on top of my religious position. I was doing devotions...and praying quite often. I was watching my mouth...and keeping track of what was important...then POOF! I stopped. I haven't done devotions since September...I haven't prayed...seriously...in awhile. I know it's still there. (my faith) but it's kind of...sleeping??? In between idiotic hyperactive episodes over my current crushes...I think about nothing but...stupid useless crap. I'm wasting time doing that...and not studying for my math quiz (which I bombed today)...I dwell...and analyze...and doubt. It's horrible. Like mental search engines constantly turning...but today...they blew up.

~Come on Understanding visit me for once today...~

As a whole...today was pretty crappy. I was a little miffed that Chris barely spoke to me. It was weird. He was...off in some other world I think. And he's now joined choir...so I won't see him...hardly at all. Or at least...we won't have a chance to talk...like we did...last week Tuesday I think it was. All of a sudden, there are large groups of people in the lobby. I don't like it. It's no longer quiet...and cozy. But it's not like there's any place else to go. Galvin?!?! huh...no. I need to find some activity to do in my spare time. Something to occupy those few minutes when I begin to see all the things I don't have. I should study. But I'm too easily distracted. I thought about bringing in my Bible...and taking care of devotions then. That's actually a pretty good idea. I think it's a plan...

~No one wants to spend eternity alone.~

So it's time for some radical change. I'm going to go from my usual bubbly hyperactivity...to a quiet introverted solitude. It's for the better. I assume I'll learn quite a bit. Am I crazy? Do I try too hard? What's my motivation people??? That's exactly what I'm going to figure out. ALONE

~Honestly not interested~

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