Don't let it go to your head...


10-11-03 Saturday 4:05pm

~The truth is that you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.~

What the hell is going on? Sometimes I could kick myself so hard...here I am, trying to focus on what SHOULD be important. Finally starting to get my priorities back in order...my priorities...psh. *sigh* Okay, I had this all thought out on the trip home today. But now that I'm sitting here, I'm drawing a blank. The plan for this week was simple. Get through it without dying. Right? Jeff was out of town. So I was going to work and sleep. Get used to the new job. Maybe hang out at Laurie's. Nothing out of the ordinary. I've been trying to keep to myself. No partying...keep everything as simple as possible. Now that I'm out of the mall (well, pretty much) there's no gossip bullshit to worry about. It's just me and Laurie and Kelli. Work...eat...sleep...ugh. Let me start over.

~I can't choose. It's only you...~

So I followed the plan. I've been really good. And it took forever but the week is finally over. Now why was I in such a hurry? Well, obviously because I live by the idea of work hard, play hard. And I knew that Jeff was back this weekend. So I was banking on keeping my mind preoccupied with work until he returned. Yes, I'm interested in this guy. I'm fucking losing my mind. But instead of my usual behavior...tripping all over him and calling constantly...getting worked up over nothing...etc. I decided to cool off and let him come to me. Well, it's backfiring. How in the hell could it backfire?! I stopped in the mall last night to pick up my check. Saw him as I passed, noticed he was busy with some customers and chose to wave and make my exit. I thought that it was appropriate. He saw me. He waved back. I told Emily last night that I would come by today after work (at my REAL job) to drop off a copy of my schedule just in case Shannon would need me to work one night or so. Well, I got there. Walked up to the front entrance and there he was. Outside smoking and talking to 2 random girlies. Okay...I had no idea who they were nor do I really care. But just as I suspected, he's got quite a following of groupies. I don't even want to get started on that but to me it says that he's highly in demand. I don't particularly like that about him. It makes me feel less than adequate because...if he's got all these girls to pick from, why would he choose me? Anyhow, I said hi as I passed. I didn't mean to interrupt their conversation but I also didn't want to involve myself in such a group of females. He said, "I thought you weren't working at the mall anymore." So I told him that I still was...but not really and went inside to tend to my business. Dropped the schedule off super fast in hopes he would still be outside. He was...and the girlies had vanished. So I stopped for a minute. Here's where I'm lost for words. I explained my reason for stopping in at the mall and said, "so you're back huh?" He said he got back last night. Then, he asked why I hadn't called him. What??? "well, you were out of town." and he says, "ya, but that doesn't mean we couldn't talk or something. It's not like it was long distance." Huh? "ya, but I thought you'd be busy and I didn't want to bother you. I've been pretty busy this week myself." I'm such a dumbass. If I had known that he had the time and wanted to talk to me, I would have called him like the telephone was a lost form of communication. Then he says...and this isn't exact. I like to quote in general ideas rather than verbatum, "I'm pretty burned out. Running on no sleep. Pulled an all nighter last night because we had a bonfire at the house....well, I gotta get back inside. You DO have my number right?" and he looked at my phone (my NEW celly...I caved and bought a pretty little flip phone. It's been clipped to my purse. How cute!) I said, "yes I do." So he's like, "well call me then." I felt like such an asshole but I said, "are you going to be busy tonight?" as he was walking away he yells acrossed the parking lot, "Probably not." So I told him I'd call him later. *sigh* Shaking commences....I get in my car and blast Blindside as I speed outta there looking back in my rearview mirror to catch him watch me drive away.

~My God you look heavenly~

And what do I have to say about all that? Cause you know I have to say something...What the fuck is my problem? In all of my effort to stay focused and avoid seeming like a desperate fool, could I have neglected the basics of developing a relationship with this guy? Am I really that numb? Am I really that stupid? Cause I haven't done this in awhile. At least not in the proper way. I don't know how to even begin a normal sort of "dating relationship". I'm not even 100 percent sure if that's what he's going for. He might just be cool with hanging out or whatever. And that's fine...but I'd like to know what the hell his intentions are so I can clarify the thoughts that are swarming through my head. For sanity's sake. But I'm stuck in this position of assumption. If you're wondering what it is that I'm assuming, here it is. One of two things...either he is honestly interested, thought that I was too and now he's confused because my current behavior has made it seem like I really don't care. OR he's one of these guys (for lack of a better example) like TJ, who just enjoys having girls calling all of the time because it makes him feel wanted. I suppose there could always be the 3rd option. He thinks I'm cool to hang out with on the occasion when his brother's not around and he needs someone to sit and watch movies with him. (hahaha) I don't know. But it's at the point where I'm about to rip out my hair if someone doesn't take the bull by the horns and set this matter straight. So, I'm off for the rest of the day...and I'm off tomorrow. I told him I'd call, and I will. I have made NO plans for this weekend. I purposefully left it open because I thought I'd attempt to get a hold of him. This is the new and improved plan. Right now, I'm going to hop in the shower. Yes, literally hop. Once my freshness is complete, I will then apply some face paint, fix up my large mass of hair, and call Mr. Jeff. I'll leave a voice mail if necessary but I'm hoping he'll be available this evening so I can make an ass out of myself. I can't stand the runaround. So I'm going to lay my cards out and pray he has something good to tell me. There's no easy way to do it but it needs to be done and I don't think he's the type to bring up an issue of such caliber unless it was forced. Definately not trying to force any issues but I need something. Some substance...some purpose. If it's pointless for me to be calling him just to hang out over there and feel unnecessarily out of place, than why put myself in such a position? I don't want to involve any feelings unless there's damn good reason. Thanks to certain influences in my life, I'm just no good with trust, I can't handle the possibility of failure, and I'm lost when it comes to relationships. Dammit. Why am I such a moron?

~face to palm and mouth to tongue...~

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