10-11-00 Wednesday

~You want it out but you can't have it. It's in your face but you can't grab it.~

Do you remember that song??? Faith No More...wow...I used to dig that song. No wonder I'm a freak. I'm trying to think of important things I need to do. I know I have a math quiz tomorrow. And I'm not going to finish the home fun that was supposed to be done Tuesday...I'm gonna bomb it. I almost don't care. I mean, I just got home from youth group, and we were talking about death. I'm a little on the tragic whiny side right now. On top of that, a bunch of the kids said they just had this feeling that something bad was going to happen tonight. AJ came over to our booth at Arbys and said, "I'm really worried you guys. And I seriously think that if you don't have things straightened out with God right now, you should pray. seriously. Something's going to happen." So I'm just on edge. I wanna call Nicole and make sure she got home ok. Now I'm freaking out. Ugh.

~have you ever had someone steal your heart away, you'd do anything to make them feel the same~

So I'm on edge about that...and this math test...and just everything. It's cold outside, and my sneeze is coming back. I hate being sick. (man...Incubus used to be really wack...and Brandon had dreds...and a mustache. eww...Brandon would be the guy in the picture on the conflicts page) So here we go, I know you're all waiting for it...I'm just...and ya. He knows. And I get to see him tomorrow for the first time since I've known that he knows. But I don't think he knows that I know that he knows. Unless Amy and Lisa told him. I'm...ya...woo out there somewhere. My mind is wandering. It won't be weird. I won't let it be weird. Gosh...why do I fall for the guy who's afraid of girls? (why did I fall for a guy who may just be gay??? Why did I fall for a guy who is a pimp? Why did I fall for a psycho stalking freak of nature...Lord only knows.) So I'm still at square one. What should I say. To set his mind at ease...toassure him that...I don't know...that girls aren't scary. If I did that...he'd turn into a big pimp. He's too charming...I'd lose any chance...(laugh) ok, now I'm just trying to cheer myself up. (I'm just writing because there is nothing better to do...and I'll just dwell on it...somewhere else...so why not let everyone read about how much of a loser I am?!?! That's fun. It's exciting to hear you're not the only one.

~heartache came to visit me but I knew it wasn't ever after...~

So Lisa and Amy...were laughing about my page today. They said they skimmed over the journal looking for his name. For giggles...which is...pure comedy. I'm sure if it wasn't my dilemma, I'd be laughing at me. Rachel thought I was mad at her...she called yesterday to see, cause I said something in the last entry that wasn't clear. I think it's funny...that he knew...and that they knew...and everyone knew...except for me. grrr! I think I should have taken Dianne's advice, and just kept it under my hat. I can't...be discreet about anything. L-A-M-E! I need to get some sleep. I have to get up at 7am...so I can go into my english class, and watch G.I. Jane (we're doing a paper on women in the military...Why do we have to write about political stuff? I can't stand that crap.) then I have theatre...and we're talking about the Elizabethan Era...then UVC...and Chris...and break...and math. (poo, math quiz) I could say, ya, I'll look over my math during break...but I won't. I'll sit there...and try and act like nothing's happened, and inside...it'll be a big mix of feelings that I'm probably wasting. I just assume that...because I've been denied so many times...it'll happen again. I'm not prepared for that.

~the bitter taste is cumbersome~

But on a positive note...Natalie...had fun with bright red lipstick in Arbys tonight. And so did James actually (which is a bit scary...only an X of mine...) He kissed Justin M, me, and Matt H. He tried to get Kyle...but missed. Left big red lips on our cheeks. And Natalie...who has the hugest crush on AJ (which is going nowhere...cause AJ...just isn't havin' that) she was doing this impression of some lady on SNL...She kicks up her legs and shakes her head and says, "I love it IloveitIloveitIloveit!!!!!!" It's so hilarious. Then AJ strolls up, and she's got this big red lipstick all over her face...and she's grinning, then she sees AJ, and covers her mouth...oops. Yup, it was pretty darn funny. poor thing...there is nothing good on LAUNCHcast! poo. So anyhow, I'm off to go...bury my face...like an osterich. Sounds like fun. I can't wait until my party...I have a whole week...and I'm just too excited. I want to see these bands on the 13th too. I wish Kir would be home this weekend too. I wish she could go to this show with all of us. Kent asked me if I was going tonight at Arbys. I'll be there. And I'm dragging a bunch of people with me. I want to hear Tony's band. Emo...they do a cover of The Juliana Theory. I haven't even heard them yet...and I want them to play at my party. Tony offered...hmmm. I need sleep.

~Can you take me high enough to fly me over yesterday~

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