10-10-00 Tuesday

I no longer know what I was going to say. Now that the dust has settled...the smoke has cleared. After I found out, I had all sorts of questions I wished were answered. Now...I forget. Let's see, it was just an odd day. UVC was cancelled. So I had 3 hours before my next class. Sitting in the lobby with Chris, Amy, and Lisa...we decided to go to Kmart because we were all hungry. I drove...cranked John Reuben. I remember shouting out something like, "It smells like Pimp" when we walked past the cologne. I remember all the effort I was putting into paying attention to Chris. His words and actions. His reactions...I thought it was important...that maybe I'd see something. A sparkle in his eye...or maybe he'd just give me a look that explained everything. I don't know. We went back to school, and ate pizza in the lobby at Reed Hall. I love those girls. Amy and Lisa...they're hilarious. Lisa convinced Chris to join her for chorus...and they left Amy and I to talk. I couldn't contain myself any longer...and I spilled the beans. The cat is officially out of the bag. What I didn't know was that the cat was already unofficially out of the bag. Because I'm Captain Obvious. Because I can't control my blatant flirting. From what Amy says, Rachel told them about it. (she told Lisa and Amy) then...Chris interrogated Amy. He said he could tell she knew something...and finally figured out that what he suspected was true. He knew...almost the whole time. I guess I'm just used to silly boys who can't tell unless you're absolutely blunt. I thought I was being stealthy. I thought I had skills. Boy was I wrong.

~Pardon me while I burst into flames~

So Amy tried to convince Chris that he should go for it. (this was back before I even knew that they knew) He gave her the same line he gave me the one day when we were talking alone. He's so busy right now...and he wouldn't have time for a relationship. I...I can't agree with that. Because if he was really interested in being in a relationship...he'd make time. I would. If I knew that I had found someone...then I would be willing to make sacrifices. I'm a little too crazy about him. I'm a little too defensive about the situation. And this isn't helping. I can't make excuses...it's not my choice. That's the mistake I always make. I try and force people into things...but it's different this time. I've realized where the problem lies, and I WANT this to work. So I'm not going to intentionally screw things up. My head is spinning. I don't know what to think or feel. I couldn't pay attention in math...I ended up leaving early. I came home thinking I'd update, and feel a little better because I got things off my chest...but I ended up running out to Lowe's and Sally's Beauty Supply with Nicole and Rob. Trying...to put it out of my mind. And now...ugh. It's just a big mess. Amy claims that we'll "hook up" by my party. I just don't know. On top of that...I gave the URL to her...she and Lisa had plans to go home and inspect my journal after school today. Letting people read my journal...is starting to get to me. It never did before. But now...all kinds of people read what I write about them, and it just weirds me out. Like Dan...(who is no longer mad at me) Thank Heavens! (BTW, -I- did not take your toothpaste. Nicole did. and I'll get it back to you as soon as possible) I don't know what I would think if I were a guy reading some girls on-line journal that says stuff about me. I'd probably freak out. What do I expect anyone else to do?

~You have only been gone 10 days but already I'm wasting away~

This whole thing has just got me thinking...too much thinking...too much brain usage. Since it's my day off, I think maybe I should veg out in front of the television...or try and write some more...ok, writing isn't such a good idea. I happen to write a lot about how I feel. Maybe I should find something to eat. I don't have anything else to talk about. I did...but I can't think about anything else. Why can't this be easy?

~Will I ever get to where I'm going? If I do, will I know if I am there?~

HOME
CONFLICTS

Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com