I am redemption...


10-03-03 5:18pm

~I am one step closer for you. Please tell me when you're through cause I may not be through with you...~

It's starting to get really cold outside. I'm almost upset. Because I spent so much time sleeping the days away this summer. I missed out on most of the beautiful sunshine. But the cooler it gets, the closer it is to my birthday. Should I really be excited about that? 22 isn't a landmark. It's not a big step like 16 or 18 or 21. I never took full advantage of those special birthdays. My parents threw me a sweet 16th party. It was lame. Channie broke her wrist and I ended up in the emergency room all night. I got my drivers license. All of my friends had theirs for awhile, and I had already been working at the mall so it didn't give me any wonderful freedom like they say it does. Nicole threw me the infamous 18th Halloween/Laura's birthday party. I was more concerned about this guy showing up that I had invited from school than I was about the party. And everyone else was more concerned about the Halloween aspect. When I turned 21, I was working at Journey's with little time off and planning my move to CT. I went out drinking that night but...it wasn't anything worth remembering. Besides the fact that I had just recently started smoking and I tucked my drivers license in my pack of cigarettes and threw it away when it was empty. Never said I was smart now did I? So this year...I think I have some pretty high expectations. Something phenomenal has to happen. I'm getting old. Time is flying right before my eyes. Sometimes I feel like I've missed out on a lot. I've always been too preoccupied with work or boyfriends...I haven't had the chance to appreciate the things I've done in these short 22 years. Something stupid always happens around my birthday. So I'm trying not to get my hopes up this year. No boys to worry about...just party like it's 1999! So the countdown begins. 17 days until my 22nd birthday! Let's hope it's a good one.

~so sick so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick...~

There are so many more things for me to be thinking about right now. Like the fact that I finally got my fulltime job today. Interviewed with the DM. He says I have a beautiful smile. Laurie, I thought you said he was gay!? I suppose gay men appreciate things like that more than your average straight guy. I think that was the nicest, most innocent, genuine compliment I've received in a very long time. Better than your typical guy at the bar. "CaN I sMacK yUr asS PerTy lAdY??" Better than my psychotic ex-boyfriends..."No girl has ever made me feel the way you make me feel." (when I was 15?!?!?) Get over it. He stopped by today. I didn't even get a chance to get out of my car before he was here. He'd been hot rodding around the neighborhood in his new toy. A nastly, torn up, smelly POS Nova. His pride and joy. So in all my niceness (a virtue...cough...a curse) I sat here and listened to him shoot off at the mouth about cars for 45 minutes. Another thing that guys will never understand. Most chicks could really give 2 shits less about your new project car. Especially me. My dad has been the resident car guy for as long as I can remember. I know all about cars. So you can sit here and speak to me as though I'm ignorant for as long as you want honey. It won't get you anywhere. I've always been one to shy away from car guys. They just don't do it for me. If I'd known 6 years ago that Chris would turn out the way he has...I wouldn't have bothered. I can change my own oil thanks.

~Thank the Lord and live without it...~

I had a nice long discussion with myself last night. My paper journals are like a best friend to me. Who knows me better than myself right? So I work things out through my writing. Clearing up my thoughts and preparing specific topics worth pasting here. It's like self motivation therapy. I'll touch on last nights discovery...



My mother always told me that I have a one-track mind. I never really understood when I was younger because I thought it was normal childhood behavior to want something and beg and plead until I got it or got sent to my room. Now I'm beginning to see what she saw. Ever since I hung out with Jeff last weekend, I've constantly been thinking about it. What did I do wrong? What did I do right? What did he mean when he said this? When is he going to call me again? At first I just thought it was stupidity and I was setting myself up for a HUGE let down. But the more I contemplate the situation, the more I realize why I've been overthinking everything. When we were simply sitting on the couch together watching a movie, I had that feeling. THE feeling. Now, good looking guys in general make me extremely nervous. I shake uncontrollably and can't seem to connect words into phrases let alone sentences. But it wasn't like that. My nerves had calmed and I'd become quite comfortable. But the more I noticed him slouching toward me. The closer he was and the more I caught him looking at me from the corner of my eye...the butterflies that had long retreated after endless nights of fighting with a person who I thought would never hurt me, reappeared with a vengence. I've dated a little bit since I've been back and none of those guys got anywhere close to giving me that feeling. All of them were decent in their own way but none of them posessed whatever it is that makes me feel so special. Kyle had it. Tim did too. I know it definately takes more than that to eventually work into a real relationship but it's what I always considered to be the initial most important thing and I had completely forgotten all about it. So I suppose this is a bit of a breakthrough for me. I guess rather than huffing and puffing over whether or not he's going to call me this weekend is pretty trivial considering the fact that he reawakened something inside of me that I thought had died.

~it's times like these when silence means everything.~



I'm almost proud of myself there. Instead of working myself into a tizzy over this guy, I've come to a place where I can respect what he did for me. It's funny how the tiniest things can mean so much. I think I'm starting to grow up a little. huh...maybe 22 isn't so bad afterall.

~Well let's just say I got what I wanted...~

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