I know the pieces fit...


10-01-03 2:33pm

~You float like a feather in a beautiful world. I wish I was special. You're so fuckin' special. But I'm a creep. I'm a riddle. What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here. I don't belong here.~

I found my new life motto today while reading my horoscope out of some chick magazine at work. I have no idea who Frances Willard is but this person was quoted to say, "I will not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum." Mmm, so I've decided to live by that statement. Or at least attempt to. It's so horrible that I have to make a concious effort but...ya. I suck. Although, the tables are slowly turning for the better. I'm sure this is about the 1 millionth time I've mentioned this but, Laurie is working really hard to hook me up with that CIC job. She went above her DM's head and had his boss run my credit check. This would be the DM who is obviously gay and refused to hire a female the first time I tried to get my foot in the door. So my credit came out positive this time. We think there was a bit of a conspiracy cooking with this DM. I've got an "interview" on either Friday or Monday at the latest. Laurie says it's nothing to get siked out over. Basically I just have to meet the guy and fill out paperwork. Since Laurie is the MANAGER, I think it's her job to review applicants and decide who she wants to work for her. Makes some sense. But this dick gave her a hard time the last time she tried to pull the strings for me. Thankfully she pushed a little harder. Really, I just slipped through the cracks this time. She's talked to so many people about it that everyone thinks someone else approved it. Ah, it's good to have sneaky friends. So I'll be working fulltime (thank God) and I've decided to keep my parttime jobby at the Seal. Just for discount purposes. And simply because, as much as I claim to hate retail and the mall...I've been doing it since I was 16. It's easy extra pocket money. I still have a ton of bills to pay. All that really matters to me right now is getting back on top. I want to be back at the point where I was before I left for CT. Working hard, making money, paying bills on time, and looking for my own place. It's getting too damn stressful living in my parents house. Dad doesn't have a job yet so he's always on edge. Mom started her job but hates it. She's constantly complaining that she has too much to do. I refuse to give my dad any excuses. He's a grown man who's worked all his life. There's no reason why he shouldn't have found work by now. Mom on the other hand has been a professional homemaker for as long as I can remember. So on top of taking care of the house and her family, she has to work a shitty fulltime 3rd shift stock job just to keep everything somewhat sane around here. I caught her crying when I came home from work today. I'm not sure why but I bet the stress is getting to her. Which is why I think it's about damn time I get my shit together and get the hell outta dodge.

~You're never gonna find it if you're looking for it...~

I talked to Tim for an hour last night. He told me what he did this past weekend. The usual...party, get drunk, act a fool, smoke it up, band practice. So I told him what I did. fmp...well, I didn't really elaborate on anything. Told him about the show. He was upset that I didn't watch Supercharger play. I never really liked them all too much but he did so he assumed I would have stuck around for their set. Nope. I told him that I got drunk on Saturday. Ya, okay...so I left Jeff out of the conversation. Considering the fact that he sounded a little miffed when I mentioned ditching the show and going to Dairy Queen with 2 boys, I figured it would probably be best if I just didn't talk about any sort of interest that I may have in another guy. I can understand that it might bother him. I wouldn't take it very well if he told me he met a girl while hanging out at UHart with Thad. It hurts to know that someone you were so close to has moved on. But logically, it shouldn't matter either way. We both know that there's 800+ miles between us. Not only that...and hell, we couldn't make it work when there wasn't. I guess it's just because I do still love him. Even though we're both dumbasses. Even though we put each other through a lot of bullshit. I'll always love him so I choose to respect his feelings.

~Is that what you call a getaway? Well tell me what you got away with cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish. I've seen more guts in eleven year old kids.~

Not that Jeff should really matter anyway. The more I talk about him, the more it sounds like something serious happened and it didn't. I wish more had happened. I wish we'd had the time to sit up and talk for several more hours on Sunday. Truthfully, I know a little bit about him (from what he's told me and from what my little snooper Shannon told me) but I don't think he knows much about me. I don't even think he knows my last name. I doubt he honestly cares. I saw him out of the corner of my eye as I was walking past his store to exit the mall after work today. But I'm still trying to hammer the idea into my head of waiting for him to call me. My lack of patience tends to get the best of me but I refuse to stop in to talk to him. I refuse to let down my guard. I'm going to bank on will power. If he does call...we'll assume there's a bit of interest on his part. If not...than what the fuck ever. That's always a problem in situations like these. I know how I feel but I'm in the dark when it comes to what's going on in the other persons head. Which is the whole point of waiting for him to call me. I think I made it pretty clear...so it's his turn. I won't start to get worried until the weekend rolls around. Because I can understand if he doesn't call through the week. He's busy with work etc. But like I said in the last post, he mentioned having the weekend off several times. Weekend off = not so busy = time to call Laura. Right? hahaha. I'm so pitiful.

10-02-03 3:48pm

~Is it worth it? Can you even hear me?~

The days are dragging on and on. Will this week ever end? Sorry about the double update but I was working on it last night and got sidetracked. Then found that once again, my connection was fucking with me. So I couldn't get back into my shell to post. Hmm, let's see...things are coming together quite nicely on the job front. I stopped in to talk to Laurie about it today and she showed me the next 2 weeks schedules. I'm on them! FULL TIME! How incredibly exciting is that?! No more bitchy mall customers! No more hoochie bitches for coworkers! No more stupid mall security idiots hitting on me! Thank you Lord! It's going to be so much better with just Laurie, Kelly and I. We're all pretty laid back. I would consider us 3 of a kind. And I'm so happy to get back into a professional working environment. That's a lot of what I miss about Gem Jewelry. Feeling like a normal working female. Wearing nice clothes rather than jeans everyday. When I go into work at the Seal, I feel like a big slob. I thought all that money I wasted on suits was going to go straight down the drain. Now I don't feel so bad about paying off the rest of my Express card bill. I think this job is going to be quite satisfying. Okay, I'm done gushing over my new job.

~Please tell me when you're through. Cause I may not be through with you...I am forever. I could be never if that's what you want.~

I got called into work today. Completely forgot that Chris (the DM) was going to be there. So as soon as I realized when I walked in the store...it was all downhill from there. I hate minding my P's and Q's. I'm just not all about authority. On top of that, Emily decided to turn into huge authorotative bitch of the century. Okay Miss Lameass Assistant Manager who's never even run a store on her own. Sure, I'll be your little bitch for the day. Crack your whip. I hope they go right over your head and promote Kelly when Shannon quits. I rethought the idea of sticking around after taking this new job. Depending on whether or not I feel like it at the moment, and if I really need the extra money that much, I may just pull a Kim and quit for my happy little 9-6 desk job. Ugh, okay, I'm done bitching about my current jobby.

~and you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt and again when your head goes through the windshield.~

I couldn't fall asleep last night. After my late afternoon nap...er. It was horrible. I woke up this morning before the alarm went off. Eyes all puffy, back aching like a mother fucker. I don't think I've had one decent night's sleep since I came home. It's so hard to readjust to sleeping alone. I got too used to spooning. Oh...to be spooned. And I think about what Mraz said at his show. "I know what my problem is. I haven't been spooned in a VERY long time." So true. So true. Screw getting laid. Screw all that overrated bullshit. I just want some good ol' spoonin'. Give me a nice man to cuddle up next to and I'm satisfied. hahaha. So easily satisfied. Hell, a good back rub would be great right about now. But speaking of a nice man...still haven't heard from Jeff. I've been attempting to preoccupy myself. Numbing my mind with television. Well, not tv. I finally hooked up my dvd player so I've been watching dvd's nonstop. And I'm avoiding my book. It's just no good to sit here and read about unrequited love when you're feeling the way I'm feeling. Here I go again. I swear! Since I hung out with him this past weekend...it's all I can think and talk about. Son of a bitch! It's only been 3 days since I last talked to him. There's no need for this. Just no need. So...I'm going to finally post this and then do something productive for a change. Damn

~Just forget me. It's that simple.~

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