03-13-03

~and if you want me back, you're gonna have to ask~

God, why am I updating this fucking site? I don't even think He knows. To sort through my thoughts. Lord knows they're racing. I can't even think where to start.

~short stories with tragic endings~

Ok, for those of you who knew...I WAS in Connecticut. I WAS living with Tim. And for those of you who didn't know, I'm back. For those of you who don't know, Tim is my boyfriend...or kind of...at this point I don't even know that much. I know that I love him, and right now he's telling me that he also loves me. But that's always up in the air. For the past month or two, the whole relationship has been up in the air. And it's very hard to explain everything that's happened. I'll start...from the start. This is going to take forever. But it's only 2am. I've got plenty of time.

~i caught myself wishing you back, as i fight to catch you. anger wells inside me. i see me, frowning in your eyes.~

Ok, right after the last entry, Kyle and i broke up. I was a total bitch. that's another terrible story. and i'm not in the mood to discuss my poor behavior. anyhow, i don't even think i really mentioned tim...but he and i had a short stint when kyle and i broke up for about a month. *sigh* i guess i'm going to have to explain myself. dammit. i really hate everything right now. and i've smoked about a million ciggarettes in the past few days. it's disgusting and it's making me feel all kinds of sick. but...here it is. the fucking brutal truth.

I was with Kyle. Everything was ok. I quit Gadzooks to work for journeys. because eveybody knows all the shit that went down at gadzooks. Kyle was persuading the change. he knew that i was really unhappy at gadzooks. and both of us thought it was crazy, but possibly a healthy switch. I started at journey's as the asst. manager. which seemed to be really great at the time. the guy who was in charge (chris) was cool. and i thought it was funny that he kind of quasi-hit on me. i thought it gave me an advantage. well, not even a month into that job...chris decided that he was going to transfer to a bigger store. this is where things got hairy. he hit on me more. he said things that were too obvious. he told me that my relationship with kyle was a waste of time. and on several occasions, he made it clear that he had intentions of breaking us up. in the mean time, i was working all kinds of crazy hours, and spent most of my time in that store. mostly alone with chris. so no matter how hard i tried to ignore the things he said about kyle...i was starting to i don't know... listen and believe him. he said that kyle came around too much. that he was like a little puppy dog. and he said he'd had relationships like that before that were inevitably destined to fall apart. he made fun of him constantly. and no matter how much i tried...i just was not able to ignore it. he made offers. this was closer to the time that he left. little off handed supposedly sarcastic statements. so i would bring things up to kyle. tell him what chris said. maybe to make him jealous. maybe to get him to pay more attention to me. i don't know. finally i told him that he needed to chill out and stop hanging around in the store. what didn't help the situation is that the mall is like high school. everyone knew what was going on. everyone was in my business. rumors spread. very quickly. i was sucked into the things that chris said. and i thought about cheating on kyle with him. but chris didn't know this whole time that i knew what he was up to. now, at the same time...it was actually right before i left gadzooks, (you have to realize that when i first started at journeys, i was putting in my last 2 weeks at gadzooks. when i wasn't one place, i was at the other) well one of my last days there, these 2 guys came into the store. me and my big mouth...i told one of the girls who worked with me that i thought one of them was good looking. so more things happened. those guys came into the store on another occasion, and this time the girl that i had told recognized him, and said something to another girl who happened to know who the guy was...kind of. her boyfriend was friends with his roommate. God. this is ridiculous. well, she told her boyfriend who then told his friend (the roommate) who told the guy. (tim) sigh. ok, i finished up at gadzooks. and was working all the time at journeys. the closer it came to the time chris was leaving, the more he came on to me. until the fateful day that i got him to spill his guts. he told me that he'd liked from the day i started and that he was willing to cheat on his girlfriend (that he lived with...she had a kid) he told me that he'd had XXX thoughts of me in the back of the shoe store...and ya. i didn't know what to do. i hired a new asst. to fill my position when chris left (one of kyle's good friends at the time) and so he witnessed a bit of the drama. i tried to ignore chris, and instead...when i was looking for an asst. tim's roommate applied. so i ended up meeting tim. we went on a few ciggarette breaks together. harmless at the time. kyle and i had talked about going on a "break". it escalated to one night when there was a local show. and kyle had plans to go. then i found out tim and his roommate were going. so i thought it might be cool to hang out with some new people. that night, kyle was getting really pissed b/c i was talking to these other guys instead of him. (he was definitely justified. i don't blame kyle for anything) and chris's words were just eating at my brain. kyle and i went out into the parking lot and i initiated the "break". I was a bitch. Unintentionally. but i will admit that i was. i didn't think at the time...it looked like i was leaving kyle for some other guy. honestly i didn't know why i wanted a break from him. yes, i was attracted to tim. but i didn't even know him. so it just seemed stupid to me. i wasn't happy. but i honestly don't think i would have noticed anything was wrong if i hadn't had chris putting thoughts into my head. anyhow, that same night that kyle and i went on our "break", i ended up going back to tim's place. we talked a little. we were all tired. stayed up until like 6am. then finally, doug (the roomate) fell asleep in the chair and tim and i fell asleep on the couch. it was really strange. to fall asleep in someone else's arms. it was new and exciting...and just something different. and it was comfortable. i didn't even know him. there were several things that people had told me about him. but i didn't want to listen to the gossip. they said he was a jerk, and a huge pothead. but i figured i would find out about him...become his friend and make my own conclusions. we woke up later that morning in shock i think. we kind of joked about the fact that we "slept together" the first night. and then we started talking again. he told me to tell him something about myself. and i told him i was a virgin. talk about crazy. later he told me that i'd thrown him for a total loop. i ahd to leave. i think i had a dress sizing for my cousins wedding. so i went to that. i don't exactly remember what happened, but i ended up going back to tim's that night. we hung out for a bit. talked...until really late again. then i think i suggested i just stay over again. i don't know why. i lived like less than 5 minutes away. but this time, we slept together in his bed. thinking we'd done it the night before...and we were both adults. that was the first night we kissed.

~this is your freedom in a life of fallacy, with no last kiss and no goodbye~

ok, had a cup of coffee...and a smoke...and went pee. see, here's the part that sucks. obviously i couldn't lie to kyle. and i couldn't avoid him he was there. my friends were his friends. people split sides. some people thought i was stupid (ok a lot of people. even my friends) i didn't even care. kyle and i called it quits. we both cried. it sucked for me. and i know it was worse for him because he knew that i had someone else. but he still came around. he was my best friend for a year and a half, all my time was spent with him. so ripping us apart was hard. especially since we still talked to each other. i hung out with tim more. we got a lot closer. really close in fact, in a very short amount of time. i stayed the night there...we made the relationship official once we came to an understanding that he needed to stop smoking pot. (he was burning like ridiculous amounts. everyday.) and about 2 weeks or so into the relationship, we had sex together. and here's where i take the blame again. tim knew i was a virgin. and he kind of wanted to make sure it was something i wanted to do. and i said fuck it. at 20 years old, i had been in my longest relationship of a year and a half with a guy who was 3 years younger than me...and we just. never went for it. i'm not saying it wasn't discussed. but we talked about it more than did it obviously. so i actually slept with tim. i don't know if i regret it. now...that i look back, it was obviously of my own doing. but i was scared to do that with kyle. his mom thought we were having sex...and she scared the hell out of me. and it's not like we really had a place to be alone enough to be comfortable enough to go for it. there was just something about tim that made me fearless. so it was done. and at the same time, kyle started dating a girl named april (who hated me for the same reasons tim hated kyle) because we were still friends. we still talked. it made me jealous to see or think of kyle with someone else. i didn't have a right to feel that way. your own medicine tastes like shit i've learned. kyle found out about tim and i having sex. he of course was hurt even more. and i don't blame him for that either. and tim was pissed. he was so angry about kyle hanging around. that's when he started to lie to me. i asked him on a regular basis when he smoked last...and he would say "when was the last time i told you? that's when it was" i started to question him. because we didn't spend as much time together. i knew his roommate smoked. 99.9% of his friends did. and i couldn't believe him. i was at his place one night...and some of his friends from michigan were staying for the weekend. none of them really talked to me. they were too busy smoking and looking at tattoo magazines. and tim was basically ignoring me. we'd been arguing that whole week about kyle hanging around. and i was fed up. i told tim i felt sick (i did from all the smoke. the smell of pot really makes me want to vomit sometimes) and i went out and got in my car. on my way down the street, i paged kyle from my cell phone. he called back from his mom's house. i asked what he was up to. he said nothing. i don't know who suggested it. but i went over there. i wanted to talk to him. so we talked...and it was strange. i felt closer to him than i had in a very long time. and it got late. so he walked me out to my car. i sat down with the door open, and he kneeled down to say bye. it happened pretty fast. i must have made it seem ok, and he kissed me. and i was ok with it. it was the same old laura and the same old kyle. i will admit it now. i wasn't over him. the whole time...it's hard to give up someone you love. (i'm learning that again now) we kind of left the situation like that. up in the air. until kyle came to visit me the next day. (i'm commiting suicide right now by saying this) we talked about it...and decided that we weren't over each other. and we needed to work on that. i thought about it afterward. kyle thought the whole thing was funny. i was cheating on tim with him. maybe he thought it was his way of getting back at tim for taking me away from him in the first place. but much later it started to feel like the only reason why kyle wanted to get back together with me was because he wanted to have what i never gave him and gave to someone else instead. i don't know. anyhow, i don't remember exactly when it happened. the same day, the next day. tim came to visit me at work. i asked him again when the last time he had smoked. he said the other night. so i exploded. i went into the back room and kicked something. i threw a box of shoes...and he came back there. asked what my problem was. i told him that i couldn't tolerate it. and i told him to leave. i couldn't look at him. so he left. i told dj that i had to go on a break and i left. i got in my car...didn't know where to go, so i went across the street to get ice cream thinking it would make me feel better. but when i got there...i looked over and tim was sitting in his truck next to me. so we had a domestic dispute in the parking lot. i told him that i just couldn't deal with it anymore. and he said the only reason he'd done it was because he was so upset about me still hanging around with kyle. and we ended it right there. i went back to work. and later informed kyle that i'd broken it off with tim. he was eager to stop dating this other girl and get back together with me.

~silence only justifies this act of cowardice~

after that, i didn't hear from tim. kyle and i attempted to adjust back to some awkward state of normalcy. but it was really weird. he talked about us having sex a lot. and that really scared me. i could kiss him. but anything else...just made me really uncomfortable. we almost ended up having sex one night. but i stopped. and broke out in tears. because for some reason, i had become so attached to tim. i couldn't do it. kyle got frustrated. and we talked about everything so much. i thought everyone was out to get me. i posted an entry about the shit the girl he had been dating was talking. i was totally confused. and thought maybe i could make it work. i bought him a "promise ring" and gave it to him before i could have a second thought about it.

~i felt you slip away~

then i heard through friends that tim went home to ct to visit...and while he was gone, his apartment was broken into. so he was so pissed off about everything...he decided to just move back home. as soon as i found out...i was crushed. i didn't want him to go. i had no closure. and here i was with kyle, and unhappy. again. so i went to tim's the night that i found out he was leaving. it was his last night here. i got there...and he was stoned. and drunk. a total mess. and i felt like i had caused it all. when i was with him, all i wanted was to give him a good reason to make better of himself. and i was driving him towards getting worse. i finally convinced him to talk to me in private. his friends were being obnoxious assholes. one of them in a drunken stupor drove a dirt bike into the side of my new car and left a dent and a scratch. anyhow, we went out back and talked in between being interrupted by his friend who was helping him get home (morris) who made all kinds of comments to me. kept referring to women as "bitches" and just...pissed me off. tim and i were literally at each others throats at one point. hands around each others necks. i doubt he remembers much of the conversation. but it basically came to him asking me "what do you want from me?" i told him i didn't want him to leave. he said that wasn't possible. so he asked me, "if you could have anything from me right now, what would it be?" and i said it would be for you to give up pot. so i asked the same question back. and he jokingly said "for you to come to ct with me". he had told me early on in the realtionship that he loved me. i never understood how serious he was. so i said what would you do if i did? that stirred up the conversation. he said that kyle wouldn't be around to piss him off and set back his attempt at quitting smoking. he told me all about ct. and how much i would love it there. we talked until 7am and watched the sun rise. this was my awakening. i realized how stupid it was of me to cheat. and be deceiving (i had told him all about it that night.) i apologized. i decided that night how serious i was about tim. i did love him. i wouldn't have had sex with him if i hadn't. i knew i was wrong. and i wanted to make up for it. so he had to go. and we promised to keep in touch.

~take my hand and lead the way...~

he left...and i think i made it through 2 days. i e-mailed him. telling him that i wasn't happy. and things still weren't working with kyle. so we called each other. and talked a lot. learned a whole lot about myself and tim. he told me that i had to prove to him that i was serious about being with him. i should break up with kyle again. and i did the very next day. he gave me back the promise ring and i returned it that day. i think i was almost proud of myself. because i was strong enough to stop lying to myself. and instead i was taking steps toward something that i thought was what i really wanted. for once, i was trying to make me happy. instead of everyone else. (it's 5am now) so a couple of weeks went by. i hated everyday at the mall. i hated customers and shoes and my boss who would call me and ask if i was ok. i wanted to quit and almost did several times. especially when we sprung a leak in the ceiling of the back room. it was nonstop drama. i didn't see much of kyle. tim came out to see me. i was so fucking excited. he surprised me and came out earlier than what i thought he was. we spent a week together and everything was ok. we set everything aside. the lies and all the fucked up things we did. i can't even explain how happy i was. then i decided to go to ct and visit tim. as soon as my boss said something about giving me a few days off because i sounded really stressed out. i got airplane tickets and took the bull by the horns and went for it balls to the wall. visiting tim in his own world was amazing. it was almost like he was a whole different person. he was positive and happy. fuck he was elated to see me. and that made me feel so good about myself. we were attached at the fucking hip the whole time i was there. we slept together again. and it all just felt so right. i was in bliss. totally infatuated. and we were both eager to make promises to each other. if you come out here, i'll quit smoking. it's gonna be hard but i want to be with you. and i told him that i wanted to be like the perfect girlfriend to him. cook for him and play housewifey. it was just so good. so i came back. refreshed...and i had plans. i was going to uproot and lay everything i have at his feet. and i worked for another month or so then my boss offered me a transfer. it was the only thing that had been holding me back. tim's parents loved me. said he was the happiest he'd been in a very long time. and said it was ok if i came out earlier than what we'd planned. i could live at their house until tim got a job and we were able to move out. it was too easy. so i fucking went for it.

~is your heart still mine? I want to cry sometimes.~

the first month was excellent. it was just like when i came out to visit him. he showed me the area. we talked about plans for our future. within the first week, we were in a jewelry store looking at engagement rings. we were inseperable and it was the happiest i'd ever been. he was clean. hadn't smoked since before i had gone out there. i was so proud of him and our relationship's progression. his parents were wonderful. he was working on getting a job, and i was adjusting to driving and hour and a half to get to work. that's when we kind of decided that it would be best if i quit journeys. so i made up a lame ass excuse and with no notice whatsoever, i quit. this was around thanksgiving. i think i was jobless for a little bit more than a week. tims mom got me an interview at this podiatrist's office that she used to work at. plus tim found an ad for a full time sales position at a jewelry store. both jobs had normal hours. no 9 or 10pm closing. it was 9-5. so i ended up getting the sales job. it was kind of rough at christmas. i was working later. everyone extends their christmas hours late. but at least it was only until 9 and not 11 like it would have been at the mall. so i was gone a lot. this is where the problems started. i got lazy because i was working so much and i would come home and just pass out. no sex...i didn't do any laundry for a long time. i was bombarded by all these men who were purchasing engagement rings, and the one girl i worked with talked constantly about planning her wedding. everywhere i turned, people were getting engaged and married. so i talked a lot about how i wanted a huge fucking rock. most of the time it was jokingly. but i obviously intimidated tim. i guess i expected more to come out of our one trip to the jewelry store. but he still didn't have a job. and i was justifying the fact that i'd been neglecting helping out around the house for the fact that i had a job and he didn't. so he started hanging out with his friends more. i would call and he wouldn't be there. i would come home from work and he'd be gone. he didn't want me to go out with him and his friends. we were both being assholes. and we both thought we were right and unfortunately, we were both very wrong. he started smoking pot again. that was more arguments. many many more fights. he told me that i couldn't tell him not to smoke because i'd never done it before. so i did it. i thought it would give me some footing. but it just made me resent him more. i got so mad at him for leaving me alone one night. i was smoking a ciggarette with his mom. and i just totally spilled my guts. i told her everything we'd been fighting about and i ratted on him for smoking pot. she was really pissed. she told his dad. and they lectured him for hours. he hated me by then. because i was pulling him away from his friends and ratting on him to his parents and not being the wifey i had promised. but i felt justified because he didn't get a job...and he was smoking again. but i didn't have a choice but to deal with it. what was i supposed to do? leave? we got to that point 2 or 3 times. i was ready to go, he was ready to see me gone. but it always ended with me bawling for hours and trying to explain myself and attempting to understand why he was treating me the way he did. it got so bad...that he couldn't tell me that he loved me. in fact he told me that he didn't know if he even did anymore. so i would try and be defiant one day. cop an attitude with him. and then the next day i would try something new. i tried letting him do whatever he wanted. but it didn't help. i tried to convince him that he was wrong. and i was his girlfriend and he didn't even treat me that way. it was more like a strager who happened to live in his house and sleep in his bed. i was so hurt (still am) and i'd told the people that i worked with that it was very possible i could be leaving. i tried to figure out a way to budget enough money to move out on my own. but it wasn't possible. my boss went to the owner of the company and told him my situation. he offered me a 20% raise if i could show him a signed one year lease. but by that point i thought...i came out here to be with tim. and now i'm supposed to live by the skin of my teeth (even with the raise) so that i can see him...when he's not busy with his friends. i had no furniture. and it was just not an option for me. tim tried to push me toward getting my own place. because he'd decided that he never wanted to rent again so he was going to live with his parents for as long as it took to make enough money to buy a house. obviously, i wasn't welcome to live there that long. so i felt betrayed once again. no happy little home. plans shattered. i was crushed.

~in a world of despair our lives will end~

i'm so fucking tired now. it's 6am. and i've smoked 2+ packs of cigarettes since yesterday morning. sighing...but i have to finish this. on the morning of the 2nd...after fighting and not coming to any conclusions i called my mother and asked her to come out to ct and get me. she said she would. so it was done. i went to work and didn't say anything about it to tim until sunday night. i came home from work with a 5 page letter for him. but when i got home, he hugged me and there was doubt once again. i read the letter to him. cried through half of it. it basically said...i'm leaving. and there's only one way to change that. you have to tell me now that you can at least agree to some of the things i've asked you...and i need to see some action. i need to feel loved again. he said he couldn't do it. so...that was that. or so i thought. he slept on the couch. by wednesday, he admitted to me that i was right all along. he was letting pot run his life. and not taking responsibility for the things he needed to. but unfortunately, it was too late. i told my boss i was leaving. he'd already placed a $500 ad in the paper for my replacement. and my parents were already set on bringing me home. i think he waited so long on purpose. we had so many conversations after that. but by thursday morning, we had come to an understanding that this wasn't the end of us. we were going to be long distance sweethearts. he finally had a job interview that morning. and plans to go to his friend nick's house after the interview. he left (i had the day off) so i went back to the computer to fix the printer after he went balistic on it because he couldn't print out a decent copy of his resume. i fixed the printer...and then i got on the internet to check this roommate site i had attempted to hunt down a roommate on at the last minute. i figured it was in the history so i popped that open. and stumbled across a site called datenation.com of course i was curious. so i went to it. and i found a site similar to my roommate site. you create a profile only not to meet potential roommates. but to meet potential mates. i started shaking. i was already shaken up and confused as to whether or not i was making the right decision by leaving. i obvioiusly didn't want to because i've continued to love him through all the heartbreak i've had over the last 3 months.

~my blood runs cold. heartless in shame~

now here's where i did something that i can't quite decide was good or bad. it obviously embodies psychotic raging jealous girlfriend tendencies. which are usually kept under control unless otherwise evoked. in the log-in section, i entered his normal user name and password for the internet on the computer. and up pops this lovely little profile that he had created the day before while i was at work. he had messaged like 5 girls and saved them all in this section called your "black book". i looked at the girls profiles...bawling. and practically screaming. i read what he had sent to each one of them. things like, "you sound incredible" and "you're beautiful". all of them followed by a statement like, "we should hook up sometime." (this is making me sick thinking about it) so i'm in tears right. saying ohmygod. how could you do this to me? you're trying to replace me...and i'm not even gone. i freaked out. one of the girls had responded to him. and i deleted it. i deleted all the girls from the black book. and i checked him e-mail to see if the ones he'd left that address with had sent him anything. fortunately i didn't find anything. i didn't know what to do. i wanted to kill him. because all i could think was...last night. right after you had done all these shady things behind my back, you told me that you loved me and that everything would be ok, and we made love. (someday i hope i can laugh about this) i called his friend nick. figuring he might be there. but he wasn't. so i spilled my guts...bawling to nick over the phone. i could tell he was just as confused as i was about the whole thing. he said he would try to find out what he could. i should just forget about it. but i said that this was something that was NOT forgettable. nick said he would call me after tim left his place. he never did. they both showed up about an hour later. i had taken a shower. nick's windshield wipers were broken, and tim was going to help him fix them. tim went back to change out of his interview clothes. and nick told me that tim had told him about it. and said he had no intentions of really meeting any of those girls. (if you can believe it...it gets worse. not better) later on that afternoon, the first chance i had...i confronted tim about it. first he tried to deny it. then confessed. that it happened when he was mad at me. and once again, he had no intentions of hooking up with any of those girls (who all lived barely a few miles away) he said we should just forget it. act like it didn't happen. he was completely pissed off at me for "spying" on him. but what should i do now that i can trust him about as far as i can throw him? i was leaving in 2 days. whenever i could...i checked that site. for more messages from those girls. and intercepted another one. it was too late though. she had authorized him on her aol instant messager. i tried to forget it. but it was running through my head nonstop. it still is. we were ok the last few days i was there. still decided that we were going to continue to be faithful and carry on a long distance realtionship. he promised me he wouldn't mess with the date site anymore. i tried to believe him. he said he was going to delete the girl from his im. so i came home. not happy. but feeling a little more confident about the situation. so once i got home. i continued to "spy". I got onto the site again while i was on the phone with him. i told him that i was going to change his profile and told him what it said. "i have a girlfriend. no more messages please". after i got off the phone with him, i found that he hadn't deleted the girl from his im. he lied again. so that night, i made a fake e-mail address, found a believable picture of some random girl and created a profile of my own. jessiehunny. and i messaged tim on the datesite to see if he was still checking it. it would show up if he'd looked at it. plus i left the fake e-mail and a little message about how this girl was confused because she saw his profile the other day and it was normal, and now it said he had. a girlfriend. i figured that either he wouldn't make contact. or he would say yes, i have a girlfriend i'm sorry. the next morning i woke up to find that the message had been found (lie, he said he wasn't going to mess with the site anymore) but not only did he do that. he deleted what i wrote about him having a girlfriend. so i checked the fake e-mail and found that instead of messaging her (cause he knew he'd get caught) he mailed her. and this is what it said. "my girlfriend and i are going through a separation. she just moved back to ohio where she's from. she changed the profile. i'm sorry about the confusion. you're beautiful. and since you live so close, maybe we could hook up sometime." i was devasted. this is inexcusable. and shady. and it's causing me to be just as shady. i hate myself. and i'm starting to think that tim is nothing but a liar. so i called him at noon like i said i would. normal chit chat. what did you do this morning. oh you had your physical for your new job. cool. ok, i just want to clear up some curiosity. am i your girlfriend? yes. are we on a break or anything? no. ok...i found a message from another girl on that datenation thing tim. oh really? is she cute? ha ha real fucking fuuny. ya. she is actually. so did you message her? no. ok, let me clarify. did you e-mail her? no. you're lying. WHAT! tim, i'm jessiehunny. and i just caught you in another lie. a million of them in fact. he had nothing to say for himself. he apologized. etc. he said, so now we're even. excuse me?! ya. you cheated on me with kyle and i did this.

~no last kiss and no regrets. you don't deserve goodbye~

i tried for hours to sort out a good reason for this. it's all i've thought about. he still tells me that he loves me and he thinks that eventually it will all work out and i'll come back to ct. he told me again last night after i found that he hadn't deleted that girl from his im still. i asked him and he said he did. he changed the password to his e-mail. because now he doesn't trust that i won't spy on him. of course i will. until i can trust that he's not going to fuck up and cheat on me. this is killing me inside. i can hardly eat. i'm obviously not sleeping well (i've been up all night) i try to zone out in front of the tv. but i can't think about anything else. i'm seriously going insane. i can't stop loving him. he just continues to tell me that he still cares. and i'm totally falling for every word. i want to be with him. we've been through so much shit before. why can't we get through this. why can't he just listen to me and stop hurting me this way. i'm so confused. and utterly baffled. i don't know what to do. but wait for him to realize what he's doing and what he could lose. and just stop being stupid.