Just one more time...


11-4-04

~Everything's feelin' unclear. I wish it was raining cause I hate every beautiful day.~

It bothers me when people are sympathetic. When I'm in the state that I'm in momentarily, usually I'm happiest alone. But when forced into situations...people...the general public...friends...family etc. see the numb unsmiling look on my face and assume something is wrong. So the questions pour out of their mouths and I suffer through the story or choose to make up some ridiculous lie. Some haven't asked, some accept a brush off, some want details and honestly...I'm this close to insanity and I'd rather sleep through the next few months. A hybernation of sorts.

~She's saying goodbye. She's wasted all her lonely teardrops...~

Halloween was here and passed. I can think of many things that scare me now far more than Halloween ever did. I'm a big baby. Not afraid of the dark in most cases but when it's late and dark outside as I'm leaving the store...I have to walk about 30 feet from the back where the light switches are to the front where the only light left on is. Often I find myself briskly walking back to the front. Tonight I ran. I'm sure if anything were to happen and the boogyman popped in for a visit, someone next door at the dollar store would hear me scream. It's lame I know. Sometimes when I'm washing my face in the sink at night, I'm afraid to look in the mirror afterward. Not for the reasons you're assuming. There's no fear of my own reflection minus make-up. I've accepted those flaws. No. You know in movies sometimes you catch the reflection of the killer or the ghost in the mirror. Ya. That freaks me out. I hate it when people sneak up behind me in the bathroom. I'm liable to judo kick the shit out of your ass if you do that. Spiders give me the heebie jeebies. Stairs that you can see through. The one with no fronts just the top that you step on. Ya. BIG fear of falling. But I guess what scares me the most is being alone. The whole idea of alone bugs me. Solitude is fine. I enjoy spending time by myself when I know there's someone within earshot. When I know that once I want someone there, there is. Sitting in the store alone all day...monotonous. I start talking to myself and that's just crazy. There's too much time to think about all the bullshit in my life that I can barely accomplish anything of importance. When I'm all alone, I see things out of the corner of my eye. I hear things that normally I wouldn't pay any attention to and come to the conclusion that my store is haunted. I contemplate things like the end of the world. I go through my budget in my head and try to figure out a way to take care of business and finally move out. This is getting out of hand.

~Couldn't sleep last night my ears were ringing in my head. Best friends with the boogyman. I may be better off here dead. Runnin' on empty once again too tired for tears I dread. Sink deep to those magic dreams while I blast off in my bed.~

Had THE most awful ending to another shitty day. As I was preparing to close down the store, something happened and the surge protector decided to take a massive runny crap. It took me 15 minutes of crawling around on the floor unplugging and replugging, turning things on and off, and banging my shoulder on the corner of the metal cash drawer to figure out that all I had to do was hit the reset button. So I left and got a call from Nicole. She was headed in my direction on her way to Dayton for a spontaneous trip to visit Laurie. She begged, pleaded, and threatened me to join her. But I punked out as usual. I'm the worst kind of friend. It was 6:30 and I was this close to putting myself out of my own misery. Who thinks I'm depressed? I'm really not. I'm perfectly fine. Just need a damn break that's all. I need a vacation from life. Or maybe just a streak of good luck. I need to win the lottery or that monopoly game. I need to physically injure myself in a place that doesn't hurt but requires serious bed rest so I can lay back and let everyone baby me. I need to meet a delicious man who falls hopelessly in love with me and in a whirlwind romance, sweeps me off to a land far far away where we live happily ever after. *shakes head* OKAY...let's come back to reality for a moment. Where was I? Yes. I'm a shitty friend. Sometimes I can't help it. I just don't want to do anything but sit here. Stare off into the television. Drown out the sounds of mom's computer game and Matt's video game with SugarCult. Inhale disturbing amounts of nicotine and wallow in whatever it is that's made the day less than worthwhile. So I came home, fed Teeny (my new kitten) who's the most adorable creature...the only thing that's brought a smile to my face in quite awhile. Dammit! I knew it! I knew it! I AM going to be the crazy old woman with a shit ton of cats! Ugh. Anyhow, caught up on some Mraz journaling and discovered a paragraph that sparked my interest. I'll quote:

"There’s a popular phrase used in the studio. In fact, it’s probably the most frequently used saying in the recording industry. It’s also relative to my life, on a loop. It’s, 'Just one more time.' This 'one more time' theory of relativity haunts me, not only in the recording process, but in my love life as well. My phone number is in constant consideration of being changed, thanks to the ex-girlfriends in my life calling me up and playing the producer role and laying into the old 'just one more time' philosophy. Everything was perfect except for that one part in the middle. Lets go back and fix that and move on. Just one more time and we got it. Wow, great ending, but let’s do one more for insurance. Could you give me a little more energy at the top? Just one more time… Sorry, I screwed that up. One more time… One more time…"

Point is, I found myself at the same intersection with Ryan. We were on and off again so many times I can't count and everytime I went back into the situation things didn't change. They didn't get better. But glutton for punishment, I wanted to do it "one more time". I can get it right this time. I can ignore the fact that you're hanging out with some chick that you slept with while we were broken up. I can be okay with the fact that you're not willing to grow up. I can pretend that you want to be with me even though you've pretty much told me that you just don't want to be alone. I can be okay with it. I can accept that you're not willing to compromise on ANYTHING. You're selfish and needy and never give anything back. Not emotionally not physically. Nothing. Just one more time though we can work this out. No. I could give and give until I had nothing left and nothing would have changed. He's blamed everything you could possibly blame his behavior on. It's his friends, his X girlfriend, the way he was brought up, his parents divorce, he's a procrastinator, he's not the type to show his feelings. Blah blah blah. Bullshit. It's not that you don't show your feelings. It's that there are no feelings to show. The only things that spark interest in him anymore are video games, baseball, hanging out with his friends and playing video games/watching baseball or talking to the X or the one who he slept with a few months ago. Well hoorah! There it is. I'm bitter and I'm jealous and I'm pissed off because I invested 9 months of my life in stocks that took a nose dive after the first 3 months. I didn't learn my lesson the last time. I made the same mistake and now I'm regretting our fight on Monday and wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut so I wasn't sitting here alone wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Here he is...and here I am. I'm in love with an asshole who doesn't love me back. One more time.

~We come crashing down...~

HOME

Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com