11-02-00 Thursday

~I forgot to tell you that I love you, and life's too long. I'm cold here without you...for I cannot find the words to say 'I need you so'~

Another day...But I'm proud that I can say, we've stopped fighting. The whole lot of us. After a couple days of hate-mail, and quite a few harsh words, we've moved on. Thank God. I'm so tired...and it's only 8pm. grrr. Not tired. Just drained. I have math homework, a paper that needs revised, and a theatre quiz to study for. But none of it is for tomorrow. I don't have math again until next week Tuesday (a good reason to do it now before I forget how to) I have theatre tomorrow...but the quiz is Monday. And my paper isn't due 'til Tuesday. But still. I shouldn't give myself excuses to procrastinate. Anyhow...things are back in order in the social scene at school. No more dirty looks...in fact, I gave him a hug yesterday and apologized. Aimee, Lisa, and I are back to our devious selves. It's great. I had a good day. Isn't that amazing. I talked to Crazy Jon...he's doubting himself. Last night at youth group, I found out that he and Amanda were working on getting back together. He seemed pretty sure of it at Arbys. But I remember when they broke up. In fact, I was the one he talked to about how pissed off he was that night at Matt H's graduation party. He called her 'the devil' many many times. I spotted him today walking outside of Reed. So I ran out to catch him and see what was up. He was headed for the cafeteria, and told me to come with him. So I tagged along. He said that yes, they were talking. But he also said that he was thinking about saying "screw it" to the whole thing. I think I caused him to remember walking back up to the bon fire that night and seeing her sitting on Evan's lap. I took off and went back to the lobby. A few minutes later, he came over to talk to me...(he was on the clock...working on campus! oooh!) and he said..."I'm seriously thinking about just wiping the whole idea." It's sad...I think she's like his first and only girlfriend EVER. He's a good guy. A little crazy...but goodhearted. I thought I liked him that night we talked. His brother thought he liked me. But he thought otherwise. Jon's cool. Confusing sometimes, that's ok though.

~I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do~

So we found out today that Brad knows that Lisa likes him. (silly silly silly) And (earpierce) Chris knew about it a week ago. (I still don't understand how he found out) For Lisa's sake, I just wanna sit that boy down (Brad that is) and give him a good talkin' to. Cause I don't want her to feel the same way I've been feeling the past few weeks. I just want to be like, "ok, you know what's up. and we'd like to know what's up with you. because patience does not exist here...so just spill". I know the guys have been trying to hook him up with quite a few girls. And he's snubbed several. The girl he liked...has a boyfriend. Lisa pointed out some blonde chick who likes him, but he doesn't like. So the boy's a bit picky. I'm scared and anxious. (for Lisa) So she shouldn't have to be...even though I know she is. This guy she's been dating, Nate...hahaha she's totally blowing him off. I'm talkin' SERIOUS cold shoulder because of her sudden interest in Brad. I tend to be the voice of reason. I wrote her a little note in theatre today that said, "Voice of Reason says: Don't get your hopes up". Cause that really sucks. Now why can't I give myself excellent advice like that???

~You're in the arms of the angels. May you find some comfort here.~

Get this! So my car speakers...are blown right?!?! And I said something to my dad about finding out how much it would be to replace them. (cause I was going to pay for it...only wait! I have no money!) I mentioned that what??? Like last week. I walk in tonight, and there's a set of brand new blaupunkt's sitting on my bed. (it's the laptop all over again) Sometimes I really hate my dad for trying to buy my love. But rattling speakers...are the devil. I just can't handle my music making a sound much like a dying animal. So whatever. I'm spoiled when it comes to crap like that. But if I want my dad to fix the car...like the headlight that's been out for oh...about a month. NO WAY! Or the fact that it stalls out a lot...NEVER! It's terrible. I always have to complain about something huh?

~Everybody's waiting for your entrance. So don't disappoint them.~

So last night after youth group...and once things died down at Arbys, I decided it was time to come home and edit my paper. I said my goodbyes, and walked out the door. Walking walking walking...ignoring what's going on around me cause I'd stepped outside a few minutes earlier, and the whole group of boys who've been truant when it comes to church on Wednesday nights were out there raising havoc. So as I was ignoring parking lot anticts, I hear someone say, "bye". I look around, and see Matt. (he actually came to church last night. I was so excited. I asked that we pray about it in small groups.) So I turned around and walked back to where he was standing, and talking to some girl. (I thought it was kinda funny that even though they were having a conversation, he said goodbye to me...someone he NEVER talks to.) I gave him a hug and said, "hey! I see you got your hair cut." and he was like, "ya. I don't like it." and I said, "it looks really good." then I said bye and left. For two people that have never really gotten along...I think, that was absolutely funtabulous. I'm so happy that we're busting down this wall. I'm glad Kir opened my eyes to the fact that just because he's having problems doesn't mean I should hate him. (Daniel also pointed that out to me) And when daniel defends Matt...you know something's up. Kir said that if anyone should have a grudge against Matt, it's her. He's hurt her more than anyone. And she's totally right. She also said that if no one is willing to be there for him, who's he going to turn to when his world falls apart? Not his boys. They're just as big of a mess as he is. So I told myself I wouldn't get mad at him anymore. Either Kir told him how happy I was when he was so respectful at the party. (I was so glad just because he hugged me. It just blew me away...that Matt of all people could look past our differences. I don't know.) Or he's reaching out. Either way, I'm too excited about it. Seriously. He's surprised me twice now. That just doesn't happen. Well, I'm tired...and I have to archive. So I'm done for now. God Bless America!

~and when we're done soul searching, and we carry the weight and die for a cause...is misery made beautiful right before our eyes...mercy be revealed or blind us where we stand. Will we burn in heaven like we do down here? Will the change come while we're waiting? Everyone is waiting...~


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