I am with you always...


11-28-04

~and I know that I still don't believe it's true. But I can't let you go and I don't know what to do. I'm still in love but I'm one of the million hearts you'll someday break.~

Soundtrack: Ultimate Fakebook, Further Seems Forever

I am a vindictive bitch. It's been a month. That's approximately 30 days. A lot can happen in such a seemingly short amount of time. In the last month I've experienced every emotion humanly possible. I know I've said that before but I discovered that there were more emotions than I knew existed. In the last month, I got promoted. I lost my boyfriend to not one but 2 different women. I've worked all but maybe 3 or 4 days. The time I have had off has been spent drinking or pouring my heart out to my friends. For the first part of the month, I was taking pills to get to sleep. Still having trouble with that one. I met someone on a blind, set up, quasi-date and found him to be the exact opposite of my last disaster. It was just too soon and too weird. So much in fact that I got a little tipsy and drove home only to find out a few days later that someone I knew died from a drunk driving accident. Reality check! Got yelled at by Laurie. She said she's going to kick my ass if I ever do that again. (That's an ass woopin' I could appreciate.) I've been permanently attached to my cell phone with my boss, my 3 closest friends, my X boyfriend's dad's girlfriend, this northwestern kid (stalker Thomas) who, I discovered, has a fascination with "older" women, (If you call 2 years, "older".) and the blind "date" guy. After giving Thomas the benefit of the doubt...I mean, it's not his fault that he's clingy and he's probably not aware of his stalkerish qualities...I found out that he's just as shady as my last boyfriend. Sneaking around behind the girl he was living with to hang out with me. He told me that they just lived together the first time he mentioned her. Last time I talked to him, he told me that they broke up and he kicked her out. Okay buddy, I've had enough. I've spent a lot of time alone. At work and home. Opting, more often than not, to stay in rather than going out. Smoked a hell of a lot of cigarettes. Contemplated breaking last years New Years resolution several times. But that's the one thing I've had the ability to resist. Watched a lot of sad movies and cried my eyes out. Found myself behind the wheel of my heaviest burden. Monotarily speaking that is. Driving to and from work everyday is a whole hell of a lot of time lost in thought. The tiniest things can set me off. A song...I'll start to think about what the hell has happened to my life. In such a short amount of time I've lost so much and I don't know how. I don't know exactly where things went wrong. But I've been unfortunately uncovering little things along the way. All of the blur has been slowly moving into focus. It's sad really. And this is the reason for the vindictive bitch comment at the beginning of this post. As always, you can't get out of a relationship clean in this town. You can't ever cut yourself completely loose. So instead of fighting it, I've been collecting the pieces and putting them together. I'm not any closer to an answer but this is what I've come up with so far. I got an e-mail from Ryan a couple of weeks back which was supposed to be an apology of sorts. Basically saying that the reason why things happened the way they did was because he's still f'd up over his last relationship. Not E but C. He didn't want me to get so attached to him knowing that if the possibility of getting back with C arose he'd take it and break my heart. First of all, I could be a bigger bitch than I already feel like and post all sorts of e-mails on here from back in April and May. He sent me so many little on-line notes telling me how much he loved me and how good I was for him and how he couldn't believe that he was with C for so long when she treated him so horribly. Well, I let this slide with a simple reply stating that I didn't accept his apology because it was too damn late. He's already broken my heart. (which led to an e-mail tennis match/bitch fight) But you know what, I'll admit that I went through the same sort of thing with Tim after we broke up and I moved back home. I couldn't date anyone exclusively because deep down I thought Tim and I were so fucked up that we deserved each other and we would eventually get back together. I could reference those journal entries on here if I wanted to. I know that people's feelings can flip flop. I know that abusive relationships can seem comforting when you're not happy with yourself. That's not the point. I'm upset because I'm watching from this outside point of view all of a sudden and what I'm seeing is extremely destructive. BREAKDOWN: his X on the East Coast happens to be living with another guy. She's pretty much using this guy the very same way Ry described she used him. He denies it now. Claiming she never used him. Giving her all sorts of imaginary excuses. What Ryan doesn't know is that while she's been telling him that she really wants to be with him rather than her current boyfriend she's been telling other people that she wants nothing to do with him and she's happy with the guy she lives with?!?! Fine that's fine. If he can't see that he's walking into a sketchy situation then fuck it. It's his own problem. In all honesty, it's all his own problem. But I'm so ridiculously passionate about all of this because I still care about him and I don't want to see him hurt. Anyhow, not only is his X living with someone and using them for all they're worth, so is Ryan. Since I caught on to his scam (whether he realized he was scamming or not) and called him out to the point where neither of us could take it anymore and we finally broke it off entirely, he's been living with E. Knowingly abusing the fact that this girl has feelings for him and just like me-she's doing everything for him just to pacify him and keep him happy so he doesn't run off again. Well, I don't think E knows about C. If she does, she's probably doing the same thing I did. Keeping her mouth shut because she's afraid that if she says something, she'll lose him. He HAS to know that this is going on. He has to realize what he's doing right? Or is he so fucked in the head that he can't see how ridiculously wrong he is. It's so wrong. By the time this is all over, he'll have his heart broken by C, he'll turn into a raging alcoholic, then he'll fuck E over and break her heart too. That's a rough prediction but it's just so fucked up. When not 6 months ago, he was 100% in love with me and over C. At that point, E didn't even exist. I'm just completely baffled by the whole thing. I don't know what to think. Someone told me they think he really did love me and right before things got to the point where he knew he couldn't get out without seriously hurting himself, he went after E. Someone who doesn't really matter to him at all. So he won't care if he hurts her when C comes calling. But I don't know what to believe. There are so many different emotions tied into it that my head is swimming. Part of me just wants out of it. Part of me feels bad for him because he's so twisted. Part of me hates him for what he's done to me. Part of me hates him for what he's doing to himself. Part of me is concerned because I still love him. But then again, part of me thinks he's just a lying no good piece of shit. I can't trust a word that comes out of his mouth anymore because I can't tell if he's conciously doing this or if he's honestly THAT fucked up and confused. I'm pissed off because he's treated me like shit recently. But then again, he may just be super defensive because he knows that everyone thinks that what he's doing is wrong. Whether it is or not, it's been his choice. I know he's not happy. He told me he feels alone. Not physically of course because E is there. But alone, inside. He has for quite some time. Through C, not at first with me but eventually he went back to feeling that way. I'm sure he didn't feel like that at first with E but from the e-mail I got the other day, I've drawn my conclusions. I don't know if it's something he needs to experience before really understanding that there's more to life than this. I just wish he'd leave everyone else out of it. It doesn't matter how lonely you are. You can't force other people to make you happy. It took a whole hell of a lot before I ever figured any of that out. And I'm STILL alone. But I can't compare his experience to mine. He's a totally different person. I can't say he'll come out of this completely reformed and ready to live out the American dream. I can't say anything. And see, now I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt again. I've been up and down. One minute I can let it go, completely understand his troubles and want to be there for him. The next minute I'm absorbed by my own hurt feelings and I want to rip his head off. I could ruin the little house of cards he's built with the push of a button. Thought about it. Thought twice about it. I've got an ace in my back pocket and I can't decide if it's right to cheat. When I see what he did to me and what he could do to someone else. When I think about how much he's hurt me and how easily I could be vindicated. I could get back at him for all the pain...I could give him a taste of his own medicine. As much as I want to, I really don't. I couldn't screw him over like that. No matter how badly I've been emotionally scarred. And you couldn't begin to believe how pissed I am that he still has that much power over me. But ultimately, I have to set that aside because it's just not my place. And it's obvious that I'm not done with this. I'm not over it as much as I'd like to be...I'm still really messed up about it. I know it'll take awhile for me to get back out there. I went through denial. I've been going through the "drowning my sorrows in the bottom of a bottle" phase which has been slowly progressing into the -mad at the world and planning my revenge- phase. And I'm stuck because I've been sucked into all of his issues by those who feel as though I should know about his every move. But next is acceptance and then I can finally be okay. And since I went through similar feelings after coming back from CT, I think I've learned the best way for me to get through it. It's wise to go through this alone (physically alone). It's better for everyone else. I could have slept around. I could have chosen some random sucker to listen to me cry about how shitty I was treated and then he'd try to live up to some impossible standard. Spoil me and treat me like a princess...Then I'd realize that I have no feelings for that person and break their heart too. I'd really rather not do that again. Especially with everything else that's happened. It's all just WAY too fucked up. As for everything that I've said and I'm about to say, I'll say once again, these are my opinions. This is my perspective. This is my journal. Look at it this way, you invite yourself into someone's house and get pissed off because of the way they've decorated. It's appauling. The curtains are striped and the couch is floral print. To you, this is wrong. But you have to realize, it's not your house.

~This is the last time that I'll try to reach you and my guess is that you'll just ignore it. You'll just ignore me. Without a passing glance. Without the slightest sigh. Without moving your hands. Without the softest cry. But I'll say, go your own way I'll be with you. Make mistakes and I'll forgive you. Home is waiting here for you when you return.~

On Dylan's death:

I don't feel right putting this into words. I don't feel it's my place to say much but I have to say something because I wouldn't feel right not saying anything at all. It would seem as though I were ignoring the fact that anything ever happened and placing my own petty bullshit above an absolute tragedy. I didn't know Dylan very well. Hung out with him a few times. He was Ryan's friend. That's how I saw it. Never really spent time with him unless I was with Ryan. Even still-it's overwhelming. I assume it has been for everyone. But I can't speak on this topic in any other view than my own which is very insignificant compared to many people who were much closer to him than I ever was. I thought first of his family. His girlfriend...Anything and everything you can possibly imagine, I thought about it. I thought of his friends. All of his classmates. An upperclassman died when I was in school but I never knew him. This is the second time Ry has lost one of his best friends. So I could never begin to compare my feelings. I thought about Dylan today. I've thought about him every day since I heard about the accident. But it was different today. I could hear his voice...I remembered when I first met him at TJ's. Certain conversations that we had...movies that we watched together...and I've cried a thousand tears so far. My heart goes out to you Dylan and to those who have cried 10,000 more tears. Rest in peace.

~I know that you're never leaving...never leaving me again.~

Email: holyrevelry@hotmail.com