A vote of confidence
11-25-03
~You saw me lost and tredding water. I looked pathetic. I looked as helpless as a stinger without a bee.~
My computer is still on the fritz. But Tim informed me yesterday that he finally got around to making a site for his band. So I'm sitting in the hole. My brothers computer/playstation room. It's been closed up and the heat doesn't seem to circulate back here very well. Needless to say, I'm freezing my ass off. The need to get on the internet was so bad that I had to stoop to an all time low. And his keyboard sticks which is driving me insane. But I really don't want to know why. So I checked out Tim's bandsite. Several pictures of the members. Including the boy (Thad) wearing my old driveway t-shirt. I had completely forgotten my donation to the Good Thad. So I giggled like a little girl when I found that he was sporting the "groupie 4 God 4 life" logo. I'm like a proud parent. It was nice to get a glimpse of what those boys are up to though. Especially Tim. He's been telling me all about his physical appearance over the telephone but I was definately picturing a worse scenerio than what he was actually describing. I'm relieved that he doesn't look as scary as I thought. Still looking forward to their visit this winter. Now that it's seeming more like winter weather, got our first bit of snow yesterday, the anticipation is building. I really can't wait.
~I missed the best part can we please go back to the start? Forgive my indecision...~
*sigh* So it's been awhile and a lot of shit has taken place. (shiver...damn it's cold back here) We'll start with the typical topic. Guys...as for TJ, I think that's pretty much over. The month is passed and I haven't spoken to him in something like a week or so. We didn't talk about it at all. The one month theory was a bust. We rarely spoke or hung out through the duration. More than usual but it wasn't...it just wasn't. He's been incredibly busy with work. I've been torn between two jobs and scheduling hell. I work firsts at CIC and sometimes seconds at the Seal, he works seconds at the theater. So there was a total conflict of schedules. When I was at work, he wasn't and when he was at work, I wasn't. It just didn't go as planned. So...I guess we've both given up. I tried. Really I did. But it took WAY too much effort. Then there's Jeff...hahaha. I think that got blown out of proportion. Jeff was nothing. He was a blurry waste of time. I haven't spoken to him in about a month. He was working at the mall when I went to pick up my check last Friday but I avoided him. I've been keeping low profile these past few weeks. Slipping in and out of that place unnoticed. I just can't describe how I feel about that. Not at all. But of course, there's always someone else. I met someone. Greg is...an absolute doll. I've enjoyed his company so far. But there's always a catch. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with this one. He's completely infatuated with me. That's always a plus. But he's got some serious outside issues that don't involve me. And when I say "serious issues", I really mean it this time. A class A bad boy. Everything you could possibly think of HAS gone wrong or IS going wrong in his life right now. I'm not going to elaborate beyond that though. Because I'm not so sure how things will pan out. I'm not going crazy over him for several reasons. One of those is obviously mentioned above and another one is Tim. The thought of him coming out here to find I've jumped head first into some insane mess of a relationship isn't very settling. Although I made the decision that Tim and my relationship over the phone would not interrupt any possibilities of meeting someone new...I still have feelings for Tim. He no longer reciprocates romantically to me. And I'm ripped apart by the chance of something that could be exciting, new and good and something that was at one point in time but isn't anymore. I assumed that Tim's visit would bring back the mutual appreciation for each other that we once had. I wanted it to work out. I still do. But meeting Greg was like a breath of fresh air. Being treated the way he's been treating me was long overdue. I'm getting spoiled and I don't think I'm ready to give that up but he's asking a lot of me in return. It's complicated. And I can't describe it without pasting his problems all over the internet. So I'll stick with the confidentiality of my paper journals and close friends. We'll see what happens. We won't manipulate the situation. We'll just let things happen naturally. Speaking of complicated...I need to call Chris back. He's called me 4 times this morning and I've ignored the calls that I didn't sleep through. He's been trying to wedge his way back into the picture. But I can't help that I see him as no more than a friend. I listen to his problems, and I give him advice like a friend does. But he's dead set on winning me over. So I let him work on my car. Friends do that sort of thing. Help each other out when needed. Right? I keep thinking that I'm using him. But dammit, he knows how I feel about it. And I'm not budging. Not this time.
~Maybe we can meet again, further down the river. And share what we've both discovered and revel in the view.~
That's the update on my personal situation. The only thing containing any sort of excitement. More like stress...but it's the only thing that's entertaining enough to blab about. Work is work. It's also stressful but in a much more boring way. I've had the past few days off. Sunday, Monday, and today. It's been nice. I work tomorrow and then TURKEY! But I already had my fill of the bird on Sunday at the family gethering. I bailed out early. Felt bad for it but...I just don't feel very comfortable with the extended version of my family anymore. Not to mention the fact that I was bored to tears, needed a cigarette and my vehicle was sitting right there. So I jetted. Let's see, what else? There's some crazy drama going on at the house. Once again, I choose not to elaborate on that one. It's someone dear to me and I'd rather not devulge their private lives. I have a lot of shit to get done today. But unfortunately my lack of internet time lately is distracting me. I need to get something done. So...not much of an update. But it's here. It'll be awhile before it happens again. A LONG while.
~It's just a phase. It will be over soon.
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