11-18-00 Saturday

~choke my faith and stab my pride and tell myself that this is the last time...this is the last time...this is the last time I'll bleed for you.~

I'm so sick and tired of everything right now. I'm tired of covering up how I really feel. I'l tired of feeling the way I feel. And it's all manifested in my brain...I can't hold it back. I went off on my mother last night when I came home from work. Because she obsesses over all her psycho-babble...and she complains about how she's got all these psychological problems. I'm sick of it. She reads self help books and sits in ACOA chat rooms all damn day complaining to other people about how her parents were alcoholics and it's screwed up her whole life. She's co-dependent and my father blah blah blah. HELLO! I have problems of my own. I hate being in this house because of her new found co-dependency obsession. Because my brother is a "hyperactive" moron. Because my father just sits around and complains that his back hurts. If I'm not being yelled at, someone is. If no one is being yelled at, my mother is on the computer, my dad is asleep in the chair, Matt is playing some stupid nintendo game (screaming at the nintendo game...I don't think he actually plays) and I'm closed up in my room. Reading...listening to music...writing...doing homework...we all avoid each other. So my car's been acting up again. And I got bundled up to go outside...start throwing things around. My dad and his infamous saying, "What's wrong now?" and of course I say, "Nothing!" then slam out the door to put antifreeze in the damn thing. He won't do it. He's Mr. Fixes cars...supposedly knows what he's doing. Well, then why isn't my headlight fixed??? He happened to be outside the other night when I turned on my lights. Saw that I had a perdidle...you know what he does??? He hits the hood of the car and the damn thing comes on. But there is no way in hell I'm gonna get out of my car everytime I drive it at night. This morning...I don't even know what happened...but dad messed up his fingernail and he was pissed...so he was being lazy...asked me to get the pepsi out of the fridge for him (he was sitting 2 feet away from it) so I'm getting the pepsi for him, and I knocked over this little thing that always falls out of the refridgerator. Mom throws this little fit. And so I screamed "Gawd!" and then she threw a bigger fit. Dad is like "I'm sorry." and I'm like, "I wish I could, but I can't be sorry. I can't stand it here. and it looks like I need to find somewhere to go." But obviously there's nowhere to go.

~Preservation or predation as I'm reeling I don't know. Crumbled I spill out of your hand. I want to fall and you see it all and you'll just laugh when I say this is the last time...this is the last time...this is the last time I'll bleed for you.~

I'm sick of not having friends. REAL friends. People to talk to about all this shit that's gone down in my life. Beyond the surface things that I talk about here. My life doesn't revolve around dumb crushes. I have school to constantly worry about, a family that's falling apart...a faith that's slowly dying away. But I don't put those things here. It's not the place. I don't know who reads this, and I don't want the whole world to know truly just how screwed up I am. But I don't have one single person to talk to. As soon as I started school, and our schedules started to conflict, Nicole's resented me. I know she and Rob joke about it. "Laura's too good for us cause she goes to the branch". Rob said that the other day when we all went out shopping, and both he and Nicole laughed about it. That's totally not cool. I know she wasn't very happy when Tyler went off to school and started talking about people she doesn't know. But SHE chose not to go to college. And it's hard to jump face first into something like this alone. Sure, I talk to Aimee and Lisa. They're cool people. But we joke around...it's rare that we get serious about anything. I'm seriously struggling right now, and I have no one to turn to.

~Night is day and day is night again. and all that's eating bites with toothy grins. The pages of memory torn in twain where reconstructing lies could not contain. This is the way, is the way I fill your spaces now. It's the way, it's the way cause all that's been left for me is to fight to fill these empty spaces now.~

Kim tries to be cool at work. I was on-call today but told her about the play I have to see for class (the other theatre class is doing a children's play and our class has to write a paper about it) and she said that it was cool and she'd try to keep things under control...this time of the year...and such...it's quite possible for any store to get busy and out of hand. But I called and she said they didn't need me. That was before the fight broke out. After that happened I almost wanted to go to work. Then I figured Ben would be there. So I'd much rather stay at home in the far end of the house (the chilly end of the house) and mope. Eating the caramel corn cause there's nothing else and I have no money left to fend for myself. He came in the store last night. Not impressed. He insulted me. Just to be mean. Only I'm sure it wasn't intentional. Kim and I talked about this later after Tony left. How that group of boys is just collectivle too charming. And how Tony is hurting. Everyone can tell. His band is trying to kick him out because he's depressing. I wanted to give him a hug and say, "man I totally know how you feel. My friends ditched me when I was depressed too. I'm here if you need someone to talk to." But I didn't. That's another thing about those boys. They don't take kindly to charity. Anyhow, We switched names for our gift exchange in the lobby yesterday. There's 4 of us, so we figured out who has who. I got Lisa. And we also passed around a list. That way we won't have to ask what our person wants. But the three things Lisa listed...are pretty boring. Perfume...a cd...I mean, I put down a few cd's I'd like too. But I think I'm gonna have to create something surprising and original for Lisa B. This is gonna be fun. (why do I always try and make other people happy when I'm not) Grrr. It just seems like everything is going wrong. Like I can't get a foothold on the situation. I'm so frustrated. I just want to curl up in a warm place for a few days and let go. And as I've read over this entry, I see that nothing I do can really get the point across. Nothing can explain how much pain and depression is behind all of this. And I don't want you to understand. It's my problem. Not yours.

Another pill I'm to consume
-to make me learn to feel again-
is followed by another one
-to make me loose the same-
God if I could recognize
-the things that make me whole again-
and draw this air into my lungs
-remember how to breathe-
and so I turn to you my love
-for the solace that is there-
and offer any cherished thing
-for a slight reprieve-
I hoped that you might find me here
-and I could learn to smile again-
and as the balm for these wounds
-take away the sting-

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