An agonizing stroll down memory lane.


11-14-04 midnight

~Alright STOP. Pajama time.~

Typically, before I start to type out all the bullshit going on, I try and create a theme of sorts for the entry. The last one I posted a few days ago was...I don't know. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Empowerment maybe? Digging deep down past all of the horrible things that may be taking place and finding some positive reason to keep going. And this is where that whole manic depressive thing kicks in. I was fine. That night, I felt pretty good about where I'm headed. Well not tonight. That's for damn sure. I was so excited about tonight. Had several different plans set up. Options for the one night of the week when I'm absolutely sure I don't have to get up early and report to work. And I failed miserably. I fail at single life period. I don't even like going out anymore. I don't like parties. Don't like the bar scene because either way, I run into someone and the evening is ruined. So Laurie called and informed me that she finally got this roll of film developed from almost a year ago. She had JUST finished up the last few pictures. I thought I was bad. It took her almost a whole year to use one roll of film. Anyhow, I dropped by there after work to check out what sounded pretty hilarious. Ya, pictures of her New Year's 2004 party. All of us all drunk...pictures of Greg and I...me with much longer, much darker hair and a big drunken smile plastered on my face. Pictures of Nicole after I kicked her off of the couch, crawling upstairs to go pee. Pictures of the dogs, the cat...and a month later, pictures of Ryan. So I was washed over with memories of how shitty things were with Greg and those first months with Ryan. How relieving it was to be in a normal relationship. How crazy and happy we were. Our first real date on Valentines Day. It was great. So great in fact that I told Nicole that same night that I was absolutely sure that Ryan was the one. He was it and I was ridiculously happy. How did it get so fucked up so fast?

~It's all in my head. I think about it over and over again.~

So Laurie, her mom and I went to Bluffton to check out locations for Laurie's wedding next fall which I've been asked to participate in. I got to thinking about all the photos I've collected the past few years. I bought an album to put them in but never took the time to sort through them. After 2 calls from Thomas (which I didn't answer) I decided it was best to stay away from Nat's since he seems to have a neighborhood watch out for my jeep. We didn't even make it back to town until close to nine. By the time I got Laurie back to her house (tenish) I figured I'd come home and use my cappuchino high to do something constructive. Cleaned up a bit. Picked up 9 million pairs of shoes and put them away. Found a pair of Ryan's socks, threw them away and took out the trash. Fed the cat, sat down for a break and pulled out my pile of pictures. Beginning with the end of Kyle and I, moving from the end of Gadzooks, through the span of my time at Journey's, cousin KiKi's wedding and my first experience with the curse of the bride's maids. I found that roll of film in the bottom of an old briefcase. Strange...developing film from over 2 years ago. Pictures of Tim dressed up for the occasion. The Jason Mraz show after I moved back from CT, Nicole's wedding, us dinkin' around and CIC, several of Nat's parties, the beginning of Ryan and I, Shannon's wedding, more parties, Kelli's baby balloons, my crashed up neon, the rental, the Jeep and eventually the end of Ryan and I. The progression of Ryan and I on film was very obvious. The first pictures of him and his beautiful smile. The two of us hugging. It was apparent that we were happy together. Then the smiles begin to look fake...forced. And finally, pictures of our last efforts to keep ourselves busy. To keep our minds off of all the shitty things that had happened a few months before. Not even photos of us. Pictures of pumpkins we sat up 2 nights carving. We played board games, watched TV, movies...the world series...video games...and when the ideas ran out, so did we.

~Sooner or later it's over. I just don't want to miss you tonight.~

So I finished sorting, put all the pictures in their cronological places, closed the book and put it away. What more can I do? 4 years of my life gone. Countless relationships failed. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing but a book full of smiles that have long faded. No happy ending. I don't take pictures anymore. And I won't. Until I find something worth remembering.

~Take a risk, take a chance, make a change and break away.~

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